How to recover from several depression-related crashes and setbacks?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Apologies for the length of this background information.</p>

<p>I did fine in high school, though without any focused activities that would've given me specialized skills, and I had been slipping slightly in academics by the time HS was done in 2008. (I had latent depression and thought about suicide often, but I didn't really get help.) Ivies, etc., didn't like me, as my lurking on this forum had warned, but my state universities did, so I went off to Berkeley in the fall thinking I'd get a handle on my depression and become more productive with school.</p>

<p>Things only got worse. I started to withdraw from the business of life not that long into the fall semester despite only a minimal course load. (I pulled a 2.5 with one NP over only 13 units.) Clearly this would require medical intervention, but I managed to stay in denial and put off using the counseling center until about a month into the next term, when I was so far behind and so distraught I had to withdraw and return home to seek treatment (which I did). </p>

<p>I attempted community college courses the next fall--same thing happened, though I did at least hold one 5-10 h/wk job. A slate of four courses slowly became one, and I only passed the last one with a C. Somehow I got the idea that home was part of the problem (the Central Valley is quite depressing itself) and headed back to Berkeley for spring 2010. Crashed again, and this time I was even more acutely depressed and suicidal (I was escorted off the Golden Gate Bridge one grey morning, though I didn't intend to jump then).</p>

<p>Meds have flattened me out a little bit, but life and school only seem futile right now, and I kind of wish I had called it quits on life sometime earlier. Re-entering school will be awkward if I'm behind where my age (19 now) suggests I should be, even if this adviser who withdrew me is correct and I can conceivably get a degree (economics) in 5 semesters due to units from AP exams.</p>

<p>My occasional optimism is easily dwarfed by the realization that I have set myself back financially (student debt, lack of meaningful work experience and employment opportunities) and academically (forgotten, lost, or never-learned study skills, math, basic econ theory, writing proficiency, etc.), not to mention all my other defects. I've tried to start some productive habits--exercise, outside readings (only of social-sciency nonfiction, though, not actual literature or academic stuff--fail.), using lectures and material posted on OpenCourseWare--but none of these will stick.</p>

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<p>What sort of concrete steps should I take right now in order that I may return to school and manage this illness as efficiently as possible? Or is this enough of a lost cause that I should instead find the courage to get rid of myself for good?</p>

<p>I appreciate any constructive advice.</p>

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<p>My advice is to get into or remain in treatment with a licensed, experienced mental health professional (social worker or psychologist), and to also be assessed by a psychiatrist for antidepressants. Often the best way to treat depression is a combination of therapy and medication.</p>

<p>It also will be important to find out what kind of depression you’re suffering including whether or not you’re bipolar since the medication for bipolar disease can differ from the medication and treatment for other types of depression. </p>

<p>Because you’re struggling with an illness that could be fatal, I don’t suggest getting advice from strangers on an Internet board. Professional advice would be best. Turn to professional advice to figure out how to return to school and manage your illness. Typically college counseling centers are not equipped to address the type of chronic mental illness that you have. They tend to provide short term treatment only, so it probably would be best to get professional help off campus.</p>

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<p>Thanks, Northstarmom. I have professionals (a psychologist and a psychiatrist) here at home (the same ones I saw after my first drop-out as well), but they don’t seem to be helping me get out of this mental state too much. (Perhaps I’m at fault somehow, but do you think I should look into switching doctors again anyway? I will also try to determine if this is some sort of a bipolar disorder instead, though I don’t recall being particularly manic, or if there is a chance that a thyroid problem is involved despite a recent test result of normal.)</p>

<p>This thread’s intent was to seek supplementary advice, e.g., from other students who may have found ways to overcome similar hurdles and make up that lost academic progress.</p>

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<p>I’ve struggled with major depression since high school too. I did so poorly in high school that I didn’t even apply to colleges because I knew I wouldn’t get in anywhere. I ended up going to community college. The first year I was so full of apathy and self-loathing that I got a 1.5 gpa I think. Got put on academic probation. Second year, I started exercising a lot and lost a ton of weight, which in turn boosted my self-esteem, which made my depression disappear. I got a 3.0 first semester and a 3.3 second. That period of my life was so wonderful. But then some stuff happened at home (beyond my control) and my living situation got a little crazy. I developed serious anxiety and my depression started creeping back . . . six months later (present day) it was full-blown scary suicidal depression once again. Right now I’m mostly ****ed off that it’s back, because I thought it was gone for good. I’m transferring to a four-year in the fall and my grades are wretched so far. I’m worried that I’m going to fail them all and my admissions will get rescinded . . . but it’s so hard to make myself care enough about school right now when my mood is so crazy and unstable. I also am starting to think I have some sort of bipolar because I’ve been having highs and lows. I’m not on any meds right now, haven’t been since I graduated from high school in '07. Before that I had been on many different antidepressants and I just got sick of none of them working so I stopped taking them. I refuse to take mood stabilizers ever again. Hah, I didn’t set out to give you my life story or anything but I hope it helps a little to know you’re not the only one.</p>

<p>I can give you some tips that have worked for me, take them or leave them. Make sure your sleep schedule is regular. I’m betting it isn’t. Just try to go to bed/wake up at the same time every day. Lack of sleep can really heighten symptoms of depression. I’m glad that you’re trying to exercise. I know it’s probably the last thing you want to do right now but it will help a bit. I definitely don’t think 19 is too old to go back to school. Who cares if you’re a little behind? The way you write makes it clear that you are pretty intelligent. Don’t sell yourself short.</p>

<p>I can’t really tell you how to do well in school while going through depression like this. I did terribly when I was that depressed. Put all of your energy into overcoming the depression and at least being able to function. Once you’re “cured” the academic aspect will not be as hard for you because you won’t have this much apathy. As for doctors/meds . . . they didn’t help me overcome my problem. I went through it alone. But I can tell you that it was the most painful, horrendous experience to live through and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Also it is a pretty dangerous thing to do when one is suicidal in any way. Try giving them a few more chances. If you still aren’t clicking with them, you can always try switching doctors again. Do you have a supportive circle of friends/family that you can rely on? Opening up to people might help (but try to open up to people who have experienced mood disorders, they are more likely to understand what you’re going through).</p>

<p>I hope my response helped you in some way. </p>

<p>If you want to talk further on AIM or something, PM me.</p>

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<p>“but they don’t seem to be helping me get out of this mental state too much. (Perhaps I’m at fault somehow, but do you think I should look into switching doctors again anyway? I will also try to determine if this is some sort of a bipolar disorder instead, though I don’t recall being particularly manic, or if there is a chance that a thyroid problem is involved despite a recent test result of normal.)”</p>

<p>First, explain to your doctor and therapist your concerns about your progress. See how they react. Perhaps, for instance, you’ve made more progress than you realize or you haven’t given medication enough time. </p>

<p>I am assuming you’re on meds because usually a combination of meds and therapy is what best treats depression.</p>

<p>Have you had a physical recently? That would be important, too, including getting lab tests to check your thyroid and other things that may be contributing to your depression.</p>

<p>Another thing to do before switching doctors/therapists would be to ask for a referral for a second opinion.</p>

<p>Sometimes it can take a while for professionals to recognize someone is bipolar because some people who are bipolar only get depressed, not manic, and the cycles can be very far apart. Unfortunately, this can affect treatment because the medication for regular depression differs from the medication for bipolar.</p>

<p>Exercising regularly, having regular sleep, eating healthfully, and avoiding alcohol/drugs – all can help you function better.</p>

<p>Saying all of this as a person who has chronic depression (medication totally changed my life! I wish I had gone on medication decades ago, but during the 5 years I’ve been on it, my life has been so very different in a good way!) and who used to work in the mental health field (I don’t currently work in that field, and am not licensed, so please don’t take my comments as professional advice).</p>

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<p>I don’t have much advice, because I’m going through the same thing myself. But know that you’re not alone.</p>

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<p>Wow, CC censors the word “p iss?” hahaha!</p>

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<p>Keep in mind that treatment often takes a long time. Be patient, keep working. I agree with the eating, sleeping and exercising advice from enchanted.</p>

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<p>I really hope this doesn’t happen to me when I’m in college…</p>

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<p>Thanks for your advice. I’ll try to create and stick to good habits for those three items. Obviously I should also try to get a job (despite 18% unemployment locally) and earn at least a little money. </p>

<p>How should I proceed academically, though? I’ve been thinking I should try finishing up some lower-division classes at a community college for the summer and the next two semesters, and then return to Berkeley in summer or fall 2011. Is there anything specific I should do to ensure readiness for classes after such a long absence?</p>

<p>@Recharge: I hope it doesn’t strike you as well; if it does, though, ignore any inhibitions you may have about seeking help (from doctors, tutors, profs, advisers, etc). Do that sooner rather than later and you reduce your risk of catastrophic failure.</p>