<p>Before the holidays, I completed my first semester of my sophomore year at a state university as an out-of-state student. Before Christmas, I received a letter stating that I was suspended from the Spring 2014 and Summer 2014 semesters due to my academic standing. </p>
<p>I have been lying to my parents after every semester; I have been telling them I'm getting A's/B's when I am really failing multiple classes and getting low grades on the classes I pass. When I got my first letter stating that I was on academic probation after my first semester, I kept it from my parents, thinking I could make things better on my own. Every time they bring up school, I give a very broad answer and change the subject, so much to the point that I am surprised they have never caught on.</p>
<p>Although I didn't really excel in high school (ended up with a 3.2), my parents have always been very adamant about grades. I know when I tell them, they will be completely blindsided and very devastated, especially because they have paid for 3 semesters of out-of-state tuition and they sent me to an expensive private school for middle/upper school.</p>
<p>They think I am going to back to school in about a week, but I obviously am not. My question is how to tell them. We are going to our lake house this weekend without my brother so this is the time. I am thinking I might write a letter and leave it for them to read one morning; I honestly do not think I can utter the words "I'm failing college" to them. I also clearly have some deep personal issues I am just starting to come to terms with, which is also something I need to talk about with them. Is it a bad idea to write a letter?</p>
<p>“Mom and Dad, I have a problem. It’s not going to make you happy. I really need your love and help to get through this.”</p>
<p>I think you edited re the letter? </p>
<p>I cannot believe that you have maintained such an air that they have no clue that something is going on. </p>
<p>If you think there are “other issues” then you may want to lead with that. “I’m have problems, problems personally and in school, and they’ve asked me to take a leave of absence.” </p>
<p>I am sure your parents will be upset, of course. But hopefully your wellbeing is the paramount thing and once righted you can make a go of it. </p>
<p>I’m sorry. This will probably sound blunt, but please know I am not trying to sound nasty.</p>
<p>It’s time you grow up and take responsibility and the first step is facing your parents and TELLING them. Leaving a letter is the coward’s way out.</p>
<p>You’ve dug a pretty deep hole by lying/misleading them, but I’m guessing that this is not the first time you have not been forth coming about grades. I went through that with both my kids (fortunately not at college…at least not yet) and I know that your parents will be upset, but they love you and once the initial anger passes they will want to help you figure out your next step.</p>
<p>I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. It must be tough. </p>
<p>I actually would talk to them face-to-face about it. You owe them that much after they’ve been paying for your education. It will most likely be awkward and emotional, but you’ll feel better that you told them in person. Plus, even if they read a letter, they’d confront you about it anyway. </p>
<p>Approach it in the way that you’re seeking help. Admit that you messed up and wronged them by lying, and also, ask for their advice. They’re your parents and will certainly want to see you get better and succeed, and this is just an awkward road bump on your way to that. </p>
<p>You really need to tell them face to face. As a parent I would be more upset about the lying than the academic suspension. Many students face academic difficulties and ultimately find success.</p>
<p>I like your idea of the letter. That way you can express exactly what you need to say. Be sure to convey to them that you value their support and understanding. Life creates some bumpy roads and we need to be able to rely on each other for support. In our family, when the going is rough, we say “Take one day at a time.” If you deal with this in a mature, responsible manner, you will be able to work it out. Be ready for a few fireworks!</p>
<p>I think you should tell them face to face but understand if you want to do a letter. You aren’t the first to flunk out of college and won’t be the last. Good luck.</p>
<p>I agree with Boymom. I would be much more upset about the lying than the failing grades. If you had been honest with them earlier they may have been able to help you find the help and resources that you needed, or helped you leave the college that was too difficult for you so that you could have gone to a cc until you learned how to succeed in college.</p>
<p>Perhaps one approach would be to write a letter, but then sit with them and read it aloud to them - that way you will have something prepared to fall back on if your emotions leave you speechless.</p>
<p>Lost, I’m deeply sympathetic. I’ve been on both sides of this. I know how it goes. I know about the denial, I know about the lying, I know about the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you finally face up to it, I know about the sick feeling in the pit of your parents’ stomachs when they find out.</p>
<p>You’re going to end up having to talk to your parents about this. And it’s really hard. The letter is a good idea, because it means that you’ll get this difficult process started, and that’s what you have to do.</p>
<p>I hadn’t thought about the KKmama, I might just to that. I understand that it would be better to come clean face to face, but I know I would be at a loss for words and I wouldn’t get the chance to stay the things I wanted to. Thanks for the responses, I have not told one person about my situation and I appreciate/need the advice.</p>
<p>I was going to basically write everything Cardinal Fang did so I’ll just say “ditto” and leave it at that. It sucks, it’s hard and you will feel some serious relief after you come clean about it all.</p>
<p>They’ll probably ask what you plan to do0 for the next year…any ideas you’ve had that you’d want to share?</p>
<p>I am so sorry. Many of us can relate to the whole “I’ve dug a pit for myself and how do I get out?” feeling. But I know from experience that the best way to do this is to come completely clean. Apologize for lying first, because that is far worse and far more hurtful than failing classes. Write down what you want to say, even if you choose to speak to your parents in person. Not only will it help to have a “script” to go by when things get emotional, but writing down your thoughts will help to clarify them before you open your mouth.</p>
<p>Your parents will be hurt and possibly angry, but don’t let this stop you from doing the right thing. It’s the only way to get a clean start. Shame is a really awful feeling, but it does have a cure: total honesty and a resolve to do things right.</p>
<p>Most likely your parents are going to be heartbroken…for YOU. They’ll be sorry that you didn’t come to them earlier. Hopefully, you’ll all figure out a strategy for determining what went wrong and a plan for moving forward. best of luck to you…pulling for you!</p>
<p>Use the letter to outline all you need to say, but you still need to do this face-to-face at some point. Do your best to take your parents’ understandable possible negative reactions
with some grace. </p>
<p>Out of curiosity, have you figured out what has been causing the academic issues leading to the suspension? If not, you need to figure that out to avoid repeating this in the future.</p>
<p>I think some of the reasons why my grades fell quickly is because I just wasn’t ready for college. I wasn’t that excited, I wasn’t really pleased with my high school experience, and I wasn’t ready to be put in that kind of environment. My biggest regret is not taking a gap year to work/travel so I could find myself. I struggled a lot my first semester figuring out who I want to be as a person and where I want to go in life; and I never had the chance to explore those questions because I wasn’t truly happy at my school. I don’t even think about those things anymore because I don’t want to face my past. </p>
<p>I’m planning on getting a full time job during this spring semester and maybe save up for some traveling this summer. I can be readmitted to the university next fall, but I don’t even think I should go back to that situation. Plus, my dad will most likely not be willing to pay out-of-state tuition after all of this. But I obviously don’t have the grades to transfer to a school in state, so maybe ill have to start over at a CC this fall. I’ve thought about taking CC classes right now, I just think I need to focus on exactly why I failed school before I take any more classes. </p>
<p>The reason why I started lying was because I was scared they would immediately pull me out of school my second semester. I also just kept denying my situation, I did not want to believe it. I thought I could get out of my rut alone because I used to in my past. There are some things I have never felt like I could tell my parents, and that includes my academic struggles and some personal struggles.</p>
<p>Your plan sounds good. I agree that a latter or at least writing it all down is a good idea, and yeah you will need to face them at some point. Maybe hand them the letter and go out for an hour and come back or something, so they can digest the info calmly.</p>
<p>I’ll tell you my son was in a similar situation and I am not proud of my first reaction which was anger and upset and lots of yelling. But when I calmed down we were able to figure some things out together. (Heck I personally had your conversation with my own parents back in the stone age and trust me they weren’t happy either…but it blew over and I went on to school after a break and did very well).</p>
<p>A friend’s S didn’t have a great first year so he took a year off and did Americorps, the one where they respond to domestic natural disasters. He is back in school now and doing very well.</p>
<p>Oh boy… this is the kind of thing that gets harder the longer you lie. I’ve been a parent at the other end of similar (but not so drastic news), and it is tough indeed. Writing a letter sounds good for planning purposes. Have it available if needed, but I think try to talk face to face. </p>
<p>At this point forget about the traveling next summer. Instead consider a plan to work and to at least partial payback to your parents for the wasted semesters.</p>
<p>I don’t know what your family’s financial situation is. IF they’re very affluent and won’t “miss” the money spent, then they may handle this better. However, if they struggled to pay for 3 semesters of college (or worse, if they took out loans for this!), then they’re going to be very angry because they “went without” while paying for school. IF they have to pay back loans then, gosh, they’ll be super angry. </p>
<p>I hope for your sake that paying for college wasn’t a big burden for them. </p>
<p>I understand all of the feelings that you are going through because I was in your shoes many years ago. I made my bed and I felt I had to lie in it; I never did tell my parents or even my closest friends, I just enlisted in the military. I paid a 4 year penance for my mistakes and when I returned to college after my discharge you can bet I was a 4.0 student! I absolutely am not suggesting that route of course!! Take a look at the graduation rate for your school and other 4 year schools and it will be clear that you are just one of the masses that end up on a different route than they started as 18 year olds. I think a letter is perfectly fine…it will even give your parents a chance to react and think before they sit down with you. Of course they are going to be angry, shocked, disappointed…you say that you don’t have a specific plan B right now, and you don’t feel you want to start at CC this coming semester, so you are going to need their support and advice to figure out what to do next…tell them that…tell them you know that you were wrong not to have come to them a year ago…oh and go get a job, like tomorrow. Best of luck and hugs to you.</p>