hows this for the commonapp for YALE

Colleges and Universities A-Z Yale University
1

<p>Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you</p>

<p>When I was seven years old, I thought my life was truly going to end abruptly. Full of stress, I distinctly remember thinking, “Well, this is it for me.” I was experiencing the most harrowing, series of moments in my life, or so I had thought.
On a harsh, boisterous fall afternoon, my parents invited friends over; everyone sat in the den, talking about a capacious variety of “non-interesting subjects.” Discomfort had penetrated throughout my lethargic body. I looked to my brother, Chris. He was biting his lip uncontrollably and his eyes raced around the room, I knew he was feeling the same agony. We both gave each other surreptitious looks, asked to leave, and grabbed our baseball gloves.
Never before did such bitter winds feel so delightful. We played catch, agreeing to reserve ourselves(which meant no spinning, throwing between the legs, or behind the back). We threw to each other at short distances, but later expanded ground, inevitably breaking our impulsive agreement. We continued throwing the baseball haphazardly until it struck and shattered the tail lights of the visitors’ car. Prompted by the same fear I had, Chris darted into the house and went straight to his room.
I stood outside for an hour, contemplating what kind of story I was going to fabricate. My thoughts hurtled in every direction as my stomach clenched with respite. Soon after, I came to the conclusion that the jaded grass nearby would be my consolation, not a counterfeit story. I appreciated the sharp, crisp grass for all it was worth. As I lay, as cursory and narrow as it may sound, I remembered everything that had been enjoyable because I thought it would all be expropriated.
Then the front door opened, I saw everyone saying their good-byes. The guests looked in bewilderment, wondering what I was doing sitting on back of their car, planted like a rock. Their stares discomfitted me, so I budged and they lightly chuckled. They just chuckled. They were amused by my bashful embarrassment. They told me not to worry, they didn’t even want to know how it happened. The burden had been lifted! I caught my breath.
My parents took me inside, only asking, “How did it happen?” I explained, they noticed I was visibly upset, and then they smirked. As they gauged my reaction, they said, “It was only a tail light, be thankful it wasn’t a window.” I was ecstatic by their reactions but I admit, that tail light was much more than a window to me, it was my life.
Had I already reached the paramount impasse of my life? Hardly. Sometimes things can be blown out of proportion. I came to the realization that you can’t always worry and agonize over the most minute details. Many times, anguish and stress are products of the imagination, which sometimes proliferates and amplifies the suffering. The “big picture” has to be within sight, and “inventing the truth” will only serve to smear it.</p>

<p>Are their any grammatical errors or awkward wording (besides tabbing)? I JUST wrote this essay today and it needs to be in school by monday for colleges, please, ANY ADVICE WOULD BE LOVED. Please grade on a 1-10 scale. THANKS A LOT</p>

2

<p>uuuummmmmmmmmmmmm.................... 4. yea-- you TRIED WAY TOO HARD. those big words don't make you sound any smarter. i don't really like your topic either. anyone could have written an essay on a similar subject; pick something more important. i honestly don't believe that this day had a huge impact on your life, sorry. i think if you choose a better topic and use words that make you sound like yourself - A PERSON - it will be much better. good luck.</p>

3

<p>ok, just stick to the comments that you got on the p-ton forum. take out all those ginormous words</p>

4

<p>i agree with harping...it sounds like you overused the thesaurus</p>

5

<p>Yeah, you posted this on the Princeton board and it got torn apart - you thought applicants to a superior school would treat it any better? Hehe, just kidding. It really does seem overdone, though. The wording, which clearly isn't natural for you, will definitely turn off the Admissions Committee.</p>

<p>I agree with Harping...I give it a 4.</p>

6

<p>In the future, instead of cluttering several boards with your essay, consider posting it in the College Admission forum, where most people post their essays for critique. There are lots of people there that are more than willing to edit your essays and provide feedack.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

7

<p>vivaldi..lolll...your funny..</p>

<p>" honestly don't believe that this day had a huge impact on your life, sorry"//my teacher to pick out a moment in your life that wasnt earth shattering..but one that u remember..thats what i did..but im not sure if it had a huge impact on my life..i think it coulda shaped my life..ehh could i just show u the essay?..if u dont mind of course..</p>

8

<ol>
<li>In the beginning, it wasn't immediately obvious what you were stressed about; you had to dig deep into the story to get there. good or bad?</li>
<li>"I remembered everything that had been enjoyable because I thought it would all be expropriated. " ummm, put the SAT dictionary down, please. that phase has passed :)</li>
<li>exactly what is the significant achievement? breaking a tail light? NO. I don't see this anywhere in the essay. I don't see what you learned as a result of this incident and/ how you've grown since then. I think they want you to relate the mentioned incident to yourself.</li>
<li>Maybe 7 years old is too far back to have a significant moment. this isn't always true, though. My essay mentioned something that happened when I was 11, but it tied in with the rest of the essay. you might have had a life-changing experience then; try to think harder. breaking a tail light... :(</li>
<li>You're basically telling us the story. Show us. I know know, you hear that all of the time, but it is so true.</li>
<li>There are some descriptions that I personally don't care for: *"Full of stress; boisterous fall afternoon; stomach clenched with respite; as cursory and narrow as it may sound" *</li>
<li>I think the ending is weak. :(</li>
<li>I hope I don't sound mean, I'm just giving an honest critique. I give it a 3.</li>
</ol>

9

<p>Wow...I didn't expect my 4 (well, Harping's, too) to seem kind...</p>

10

<p>sounds pretentious. "Discomfort had penetrated throughout my lethargic body." redo. too much detail, but cute i guess. more reflection? or even, something completely different, something more life-changing. it would just turn me off in general f i was an admissions officer</p>

11

<p>I agree. It sounds to me like the essay equivalent of icing - unnecessary and overpoweringly sweet. I hate icing.</p>

<p>My only advice to you for this essay is not to use it - I don't think the experience, or your analysis of it, is altogether unique.</p>

12

<p>not necessarily an overuse of the thesaurus...simply chose the incorrect words. you can make a dressy sentence impressive but only if people actually think of your words in that context. You used a lot of words with Greek and Latin roots. This makes the essay sound esoteric and makes you sound removed from the whole thing. Try sprinkling in some good old Anglo-Saxon.</p>

13

<p>Disclaimer: Please don't be offended if I say something rude, but I tend to eviscerate papers when I edit/comment/etc. I'm only trying to help.</p>

<p>Well...it's all right, I suppose. Actually, no, I got bored reading it and stopped. Sorry. But think of all the essays the admissions officers have to read. If I, a 17-year old girl with nothing better to do but calculus homework, got so bored that I stopped reading it in order to do solve a calculus problem, then you need to do something festive with your essay. Try some soy sauce. That's pretty festive.</p>

<p>p.s. - Using the right-click "synonyms" tool doesn't make you look any smarter. It just makes your essay seem disruptive and incongruent.</p>

14

<p>I think that winkalink et. al. would not be so bored if you cut out all the modifiers. Not only does it sound forced and awkward, but the more immediate result will be for it to read more quickly. This is big for essays, because they are reading so many, if yours moves quickly they like it.</p>

<p>Good luck buddy.</p>