<p>As I await the results of my son's ED application, I realize that I know more about the college plans of dozens of strangers on CC than the vast majority of my son's friends (because he says they do not discuss it) or my own friends' kids, because parents at our HS feel in competition with each other. Is this common?</p>
<p>I also realize that over a dozen people on CC have given more helpful advice to me for my son than our GC has. Thanks to you all!</p>
<p>Parents of many kids at my D’s high school are extremely secretive about the college process. They don’t tell anyone where their children are applying, how they’re doing, etc. This is not just the parents of kids aiming for the top schools, either. I’m fine with that, and I understand it on some level. I thought it was a bit over the top until the athletic director told us in a team parent’s meeting that he’s anonymously received some pictures of school athletes in compromising positions (holding a beer at a party in violation of athletic code, for instance) that had been photoshopped, presumably by a competing athlete or his/her parent. If people are competitive enough to doctor a picture to get a kid in trouble with his high school coach, I don’t even want to think what they might stoop to in the college admissions process. I think those families are few and far between, but I guess you never know which ones they are.</p>
<p>Same experience, yabey. Though there was a rare parent willing to talk about it a bit-I was always ready, but most people didn’t seem interested. Though I can say one thing about CC, people are much more willing to share information anonymously–and after the fact. Even I, who am willing to give more information than most people want, find myself sharing information much more readily now that my son is already attending the school of his choice. People don’t want to lose their competitive advantage, or let others know where their kid got turned down. Human nature.</p>
<p>Same experience here also. There was zero discussion among parents (or among students for that matter) at D#1’s competitive private HS. Things were a bit better at D#2’s somewhat less competitive private … but that was probably because the GCs were of very little help!</p>
<p>I understand anyone not wanting to invite more competition for their child–especially if it is your first choice and someone else’s safety.</p>
<p>Why parents would not want to reveal interest in large state schools is harder to fathom.</p>
<p>I have to admit that I confide in cc’ers more when it comes to school matters. Parents I know are just too competitive. There’s definitely more information on cc - from across the country.</p>
<p>In my case, my daughter actually applied herself more in school than her immediate circle of friends, so she got excellent grades. She also has extra-curriculars and is applying to schools that her four closest friends aren’t and don’t have the stats for. So I really don’t discuss it much with those parents. I don’t want to make it look like we’re bragging or rubbing it in.</p>
<p>High school parents are secretive because…</p>
<p>1) they want to minimize the chance that another student will apply to the same competitive school (fear the other student might get accepted).</p>
<p>2) they don’t want to later have to admit that “Johnny” didn’t get accepted to Elite U.</p>
<p>3) they don’t want to appear “braggy” when talking about stats, ECs, awards, etc</p>
<p>Do any high school parents not talk about it because they think it’s just their childs business to share…? That would have been what I would have guessed from my family but my mom didn’t know any of the other parents when I was in high school.</p>
<p>I’m not terribly friendly with the other parents. Nothing against them but my friends are from a different group of people, not my kids’ friends’ parents. Plus, I don’t know what other people’s finances are and I don’t think it’s very nice to talk about a college search when for all I know other people’s finances are driving the decision for them to send their kids to comm college or to wherever they can get the most money.</p>
<p>In general, if other hs parents ask me first then I willingly talk about it. But since D is a recruited athlete and will likely end up at an Ivy, it can be awkward. Consequently, I really emphasize the pain-in-the-neck stuff about the process so that later when they hear that D actually got accepted they will remember how much work it all required. Hopefully, that will squelch any envy and if not, at least will give the jealous sorts some time to come to terms with the information. My thinking is that being secretive with them now would only make matters worse later when the HYPS bomb gets dropped. My fear is that even if I say nothing, the news will be made public by the AD, coach, or sports writer. I always say something nice about where their child is looking, as in “Oh, I heard College X has a beautiful campus!”, or “That sounds like a good choice for your D, since their ________ program is excellent.” But I’ve been on CC a lot lately blabbing because our GCs aren’t very knowledgeable, and other CC parents have been very helpful to us.</p>
<p>My kids went to a Catholic high school, so maybe that creates a different environment. Many parents know each other, many are from similar socio-economic backgrounds, and many have high expectations for their kids.</p>
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<p>I was in a similar situation which can be very awkward. I have one friend who has a child a year older who had similar stats and also applied to very competitive schools (and is now attending one) so she was my “go to friend” during the process. I am now in that position with a friend who has a child a year younger.</p>
<p>As I mentioned in another thread, I didn’t find the CC discussions until after ED was a done deal.</p>
<p>CC is a great outlet for parental anxiety! And you don’t have to wonder how far a “confidence” will go, either - or that someone who doesn’t like you/your child is sneering about the kid’s chances to a roomful of other moms (bad memories - don’t get me started).</p>
<p>The first time through, a friend and I leaned heavily on each other for information and support. Our kids, who’d been friends for years, had similar qualifications but very different interests and goals. Even a relatively uninvolved parent needs to vent about the kid who won’t start an essay until the morning it’s due, or a GC who sends the application to the wrong school, or whatever setbacks inevitably happen.</p>
<p>With my next 2 kids, I was fairly confident about what the process entailed; plus, I’d found CC and knew I could get what I needed here. (I’ve recommended CC to many friends, but several told me they were intimidated by or couldn’t relate to the high caliber of students and the emphasis on mega-selective schools.) I did try to serve as a resource or a listening ear for a couple of friends whose kids were classmates of my daughters. It was complicated because one mom was really over-involved, seeing nothing wrong with actually selecting her only child’s schools herself. My d’s stats were quite a bit stronger, and I had to watch what I shared carefully because the mom saw anyone with higher SATs and GPA as, if not an actual threat, at least an unwelcome reminder that very accomplished students are competing for admission at top schools.</p>
<p>CC is so much better than becoming embroiled in those college-process discussions in the cantaloupe section at the grocery store. Some parents see it as part of their job to find out where the “competition” is applying, and, if possible, undermine those efforts with a few well-placed negative comments. It’s fascinating to observe - wishing I’d become a sociologist so I could get paid to study it!</p>
<p>many reasons why I would rather confide in CC parents rather than HS parents:</p>
<p>D1: competitive public; I got very tired of people saying to me, “Your daughter is only applying to there?” “Why would she want to go there?” I also do not pick my friends based on my children’s friends so my closest tend to have kids of different ages which is great!!</p>
<p>D2: less competitive private; she is a junior and I am not friends with any of her friends parents; haven’t even met a large majority of them…given that my daughter is at a lower academic level than most of her friends, I think this is a good thing…I’ll stick with my CC buddies, especially those on the 3.0-3.3 thread (who I hope hang around for the next couple of years!!)</p>
<p>My sons both told me they rarely talk with their friends about college plans. If I remember from S1, there is much more talk in the spring as kids sort themselves out. Ironically, a parent of my S2 friends called and invited me for coffee a couple days ago. She and I talked much about what our boys were doing regarding college, the visits we had gone on etc. When I told my son about our coffee conversation he had no clue that his best friend had visited colleges and had no clue about much of the stuff his mom and I talked about. Then again, we don’t have “college warfare competition” here in the hinterland.</p>
<p>Any talk I’d participate in would be definitely small talk (“where is your child looking?”) where no one would be expecting a real run-down of chances or anything else and the social expectation was that no judgment would be passed other than a generic good-luck-to-him-or-her. IRL, I’ve only discussed my kids’ situation with a few relatives, two close friends (neither of which have kids in their high school) and my SIL who has a hs senior right now going through it. And I would distrust most of the “advice” casual parents in our area would give, anyway. I much prefer the advice and sophistication on CC.</p>
<p>Our S is a junior and talks to his peers a lot about college plans. He has found the seniors a great resource and they especially have been helpful to him. He has several friends (including one close friend) who are looking at more selective schools. The one close friend’s parents took both boys on a great NE college tour this summer. We will discuss our S’s plans with that family because they know a lot that we don’t! I would never discuss plans with anyone unless I knew them well. I would also have to know them very well before I admitted being so addicted to CC :D</p>
<p>I don’t mean this snobbily at all, but most of the parents around here are local to this area and just don’t have a mindset that extends past the state. They wouldn’t get the concept of looking all over the country, and many of the places that are winding up on the kids’ short-list are places that they wouldn’t have ever heard of. And given that 1/3 of the kids wind up at the local comm college for financial reasons, finances are driving a lot of the decisions. I just am not going to have a lot in common with them, so what’s the point? Why should I drop that D is interested in, say, Bryn Mawr when they wouldn’t know what that was from a hole in the wall, can’t figure out why you’d send your kid to the East Coast and couldn’t afford that kind of school anyway? I don’t know, they’re very nice people, but I just don’t see the point. They are approaching their searches from a whole different set of parameters – can I afford it, does kid like it, does it have good sports teams that we can cheer, is it close by, will there be other kids from the school who have gone there and liked it.</p>
<p>I share more on cc for most of the reasons stated on here, except I don’t really feel like parents at my ds’s school are hyper-competitive. I know a lot of people, and I just figure everyone’s story is so different and I think we just are all happy in our own little worlds. I have a good friend with a senior son who lives in another state, and we share everything – scores, essays, scholarship offers, etc. It’s wonderful. I have a good friend here whose ds goes to school with my ds, and we’ve shared list of colleges and philosophies behind them but not a whole lot more. Not sure why. I have a larger circle circle of friends, most parents at ds’s school, but they’re so gossipy that I don’t tell them much!</p>