I would show D2 a group of schools that are affordable and have her area of interest. She may come to the same conclusion as you have.
My two kids are very different. Each has her own strengths and weaknesses and I am proud of them both. I often ask myself how my kids can be so different given that they were both raised in the same house. I can’t complain and am happy that they are very close. As they get older I am noticing that they are both learning from one another.
AGREED, but can only leed the horse to water cannot make her drink. Every logical reason to go, focus on her/their future, ends with “how will we see each other, I dont know what I want to do, xxxx doesnt want to go to school, I have to work”.
Then the alway familiar “I dont know we will figure something out. It could always be worse, right?”
She is a adult cannot make him or her do anything and they dont want to do anything more than get by it seems.
“Within your financial limits, your second daughter should start off making her own list of schools. If the school D#1 goes to is on it then that is a great option.”
Agree. IMHO there is a small advantage of having D2 go to a different school than D1, if only so that she doesn’t feel that she is still trying to keep up with older sister, and also so that if D2 does better than D1, then D1 won’t feel bad about it.
My D2 never had any interest in going to the school that D1 went to. There was an overlap of one school that they both applied to. Both got in and neither went there. They will make their own paths through life.
@hannuhylu I’ve seen that sort of thing in a relative. You can’t want it more than they do. But love is not conditional. A kiss and long hug, “yes dear, I will always love you and you will work it out”. Not a loser, tripping and stumbling along to the beat a different drummer.
@TQfromtheU,
I agree 
hence the conversation every 6 months.
My kids sound a lot like your kids OP. There is almost no chance my son, who seems a lot like your D2, will apply to any of the same colleges as my daughter. My son will apply to colleges he is interested in. Why not let D2 do that also? You said YOU want her to go the same school as D1. Maybe that school isn’t right for D2. In your shoes, as long as she isn’t in any danger of failing or not going to college at all, I would leave her be. Let her figure out what is right for her.
Totally different kids! Of course it makes sense because dd20 is adopted and ds18 is not.
dd20 has a personality disorder, same one her birthmother and half brother have, and major depression disorder. She is an awesome athlete but even with all our support and encouragement puts herself down. Is on meds (again) and has seen therapists etc. She turned down scholarship to play soccer, turned down academic scholarship and ran off with a guy after hs graduation. Came home and has had a series of guys, dropped out of CC and trade school but is finally holding a minimum wage job (7 months there now) and has applied for a summer class at the CC. She wants to go to a very small college but we will see. She has never been able to be away for more than a week without wanting to come back because everyone is mean, etc.
ds18 is focsed, top 12% of his class (would have done better but dd’s issues definitely hurt him his first couple of years in hs) and was accepted into every college he applied to. Will be a freshman at an OOS flagship in the fall studying animal science/pre-vet.
I think you have to let your daughters make their own lists within financial limits. You could say that you would want her to at least visit dd1’s school but let her decide.
“I always say that when I had one kid, I thought I knew something. Once I had three, despite so much more experience, I knew very well that I didn’t know much at all.”
So true @compmom. Some people have only one kid and think they are expert. Sometimes I jokingly tell them to have another kid. On the other hand the difference between siblings ought to be smaller than that between different people, by definition. First kids have too much attention and inexperience from parents.
I guess I understand that you feel that D#2 has a better chance at getting in to the school that D#1 attend, than other schools of the same quality (or reputation?). And that she would not be happy at a school with lesser quality (or reputation).
I have no idea if that is true, but if it is, then she might want to include D#1’s school on her list. But have a list, because everyone should feel they are making a choice It is up to her whether she includes higher ranked or lower ranked schools (if she feels rankings are important) on that list. As long as they can be paid for.
Overall it is good to avoid trying to fit a kid to a school and better in the long run to find a school that fits the kid
So D1 is a rising college senior, studying engineering at your state flagship.
D2 is a rising high school senior with no interest in engineering.
I don’t see what the issue is with regards to D2 attending the same school. They won’t overlap (unless D1 is doing a co-op year), and D2 won’t have classes with D1’s professors in the engineering school. No one will think it’s odd for a kid to apply to her state flagship regardless of a sibling there, and it will be large enough for D2 to find her own niche.
So if it’s affordable, D2 likes it and has the scores to be in the range for it, why wouldn’t she apply there? Is she saying she won’t go just because her sister did? If not, put it down and start forming the rest of her list. What other instate options has she?
^ There. And the flagship is one of the greatest, right?
My kids are the same age (same hs grad class). Couldn’t be more different if they tried (one is adopted) and they didn’t want to go to the same college. That was fine, but neither could ‘claim’ a school and ban the sister.
Many (many many) siblings go to the same flagship because it is the best bang for the buck. I went to the same one, at the same time, as my brother. We never saw each other. Ever. I could see his apartment from my apartment, but I never saw him.
I assume that the ‘flagship’ mentioned by OP is large. There will be no overlap unless the two sisters want it (same sorority? Same dorm? Same clubs?).
I don’t see a problem.
I have two kids who are both very smart and majored in the life sciences. However one is very intellectual and conceptual and thrives on bench lab research; the other has always been an experiential learner who wants to apply concepts to her field. They needed different high school ECs, different colleges and different types of summer internships.
OP, does D2 thrive in an environment that is different than her sister? I will also add that my younger one always felt like she never measured up to the older sibling that she idolized when younger. Making her way in her own college and in her own interesting career prospects has been good for her sense of worth.
So, totally projecting my kids onto yours, help the younger daughter find something great about these other colleges that she thinks may be beneath her. In my family we talked a lot about the benefits of being a top student in a department and the opportunities that would come with that. My younger one ultimately did not go that route but every few months she brings up the other college and wonders what it would have been like.
Our kids are alike in some ways…but very UNLIKE in most ways.
One got bachelors and masters degrees in music performance and works as a freelance musician. He is our free spirit kid.
The other kid majored in engineering and biology undergrad…much more the scientist…although that kid is also a great musician.
Both are kind, organized, and happy.
In terms of college…none of the schools on the musicians list met the criteria for the engineer.
I have twin dds and they are as different as night and day. One is a super hard worker and a planner, the other is a last minute finisher and prioritizes a party over work.
They are going to school hundreds of miles apart, and profess that they will not miss each other.
My two kids were radically different in personalities, intellectual skills, and interests. Their college application lists were 100% different – not a single college appeared on both lists. #1 was oriented toward economics, social science, and quantitative reasoning (math). #2 was oriented toward art, design, and (later) environmental/sustainability issues.
They (and we) composed college lists that suited each child’s tastes and preferences. They attended very different schools (UChicago and RISD). One college was 200 miles west from our home, the other was 700 miles east.
Thanks everybody for the input. Yes, the instate flagship is very large and D1 and D2 would not have any overlapping year. D2 just does not want to be compared with her sister and she is super sensitive about that. She wants to try a couple need met privates. Sure I will let her do that as long as the schools are affordable. She does have the scores and GPA within the admission range for those reach school, but you know the admission rates are very low for those. We will see in less than a year when D2 ends up going, but it has a very high chance to be the same flagship. If that is the case, there are still a lot of rooms for her to do everything different from D1.
Just another parent saying my two kids are polar opposites of each other – it is as if the same set of traits got re-arranged in completely different ways, even in terms of their physical appearance. One is a deep reader who will sit for hours on end immersed in something, a strategic thinker, very social, athletic but not a super star. The other is a reluctant reader, natural athlete driven to succeed in his sport, learns by doing, happy to be at home or in a small group of friends. Though they both visited some of the same schools, their lists had no overlaps and they are each thriving in their respective environments and couldn’t be happier.
By the time the younger one was about 12-18 months, we realized that what worked with the first made not a bit of difference with the second, so we had to develop a new approach for the younger one. Even when we thought we had it figured out, they still kept us hopping – the non-risk taker took many as a teen, while the one who pushed every limit as a kid became the easiest teen in the world. I’m hoping it all settles out in their 20s.