Hypothetical Worst First Line for an application essay

I was very young when I was born.

Out of all the schools my parents picked out for me to apply to, your University is definitely their favorite.

Unlike most of your applicants, I am so much more than my grades and scores.

“I have known since I was six years old that Harvard was the college I wanted to attend.”

I am certain that the time I can spend out in the sun in Palo Alto will make my hair blonder.

Cheerleading is a perfect metaphor for life, except it’s even better.

I am sure glad Pot is legal in your state because I plan on smoking a lot of it once you let me in.

(Best if sent to a school in a state where it is not legal).

The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries.

When someone says, “pull my finger”, don’t.

Wanna hear a knock knock joke?

My autofill is acting up, so please substitute “stormy night” for every occurrence of “Stormy Daniels.”

An admissions officer rides into a bar on a donkey. Bartender says where did you get that jackass? Donkey says Yale. No but seriously…

“In the beginning, when God created the heavens and Harvard, and Harvard was without form or shape…”

As I stared down the dusty, rutted, dirt road toward the crude, sun-baked brick medical center where I would begin saving lives in one short hour, a small boy, barefoot, wearing a torn T-shirt and cargo shorts, tugged shyly on my sleeve and asked, “Are you the new doctor?”

Second sentence (okay, technically not part of this topic): “Yes,” I replied, “Yes, I am. I am here to help you, your family, and your entire community,” and (I thought to myself) “and this entire part of the Western Hemisphere.”

“My situation is really unique …”

Drip, drip, drip, the water from the reddish brown corroded faucet dripped.

I don’t like your essay prompt so I am going to write about something else instead.

In order to show how committed I am to attending xxx, I am making no other applications.

“The reason that I did not take precalculus was so that I could fit AP psychology and human geography in my schedule.”

“The reason that I did not take [foreign language] 3 was so that I could fit AP statistics and economics in my schedule.”

“The reason that I did not take physics was so that I could fit AP biology, chemistry, and environmental science in my schedule.”

I am applying under your Early Decision program and am seriously considering actually attending your school.