It’s always been a dream of mine to pursue higher education. In my own opinion, I am very much qualified to attend a university and fulfill this dream, but there is one thing holding me back. The thought of leaving my family is absolutely terrifying and incites sadness whenever I think about doing so. I’ve tried to counter these problems by only applying to public schools in my home state that are driving distance from my house, but it’s not enough. No matter what I do I would experience this same hindrance. As I’m composing this question it’s 5:30 in the morning and I’ve been up crying since 4. If I’m like this now imagine how I’d be on my first night in college and when my parents drop me off. I’ve had these horrendous visions of not making friends with anyone because they’re annoyed by me and not being motivated to do anything because of how much I miss my family. I know many kids are nervous when they embark on this journey, but I sincerely feel that basing some colleges on whether or not they have good places to cry is not normal. How do I work with and ideally alleviate these feelings before going off? I’m not asking to be diagnosed; I would just like to hear some advice and personal anecdotes that could serve to help me.
Oh my gosh, your feelings are SO NORMAL. For the past 18 years, you’ve been a kid living with your family, your primary role being son/daughter. Going away is an anxious, scary, stressful process. But it’s going to be amazing. You worked so hard in high school and now you deserve to continue pursuing success in life. The first few days will be very nervewracking and sad. I post about it all the time here, but I was sooo homesick the first month of college. I cried, I called my mom every day, I missed our weekend pizza and Saturday Night Live and coffee routines, I hated it. But after a few weeks, I slowly realized I was getting into a groove. I got busy with classes, I joined clubs, I made friends, we watched movies and went to events all over, I fell in love, I started to feel successful, everything fell into place. And now, I, the person who cried all the time that I hated it here, now miss college so much and cried at the thought of leaving. You don’t need to be diagnosed. It’s normal. You’ll be great!
Are there colleges near by where you could attend but live at home? A community college, maybe? This seems like it would be the ideal situation for you, at least to start with.
Maybe look for somewhere that doesn’t require you to live on campus. Having the comforts of home (ie: a real house/apartment/condo) feels a lot less foreign than a dorm and can make the transition easier.
College is a wonderful interim adult step. You grow. Your family will miss you and at the same time be proud to watch you gradually take charge of your life. Call home everyday just to chat. It is fine. I wasn’t homesick and lived at the other end of the county, but chatting with my mother while I did my makeup and hair my first year was fun and prevented stress from developing. Home is still home. You can go back during breaks and they will love hearing about your new experiences. I don’t think you plan to live with your parents forever and college is the preparation for independence.
Hey!!
To be really honest, I was like you too. Although I go to a college with one of my best friends from high school, I was actually afraid to be so far away from home and from a lot of my friends in a big city (Philly).
However, it’s only natural. I’ll just give you my experience and hopefully you can learn something worthwhile from it LOL. When I got to campus and moved into my dorm, I made sure to call my parents at least two or three times a week. While they expected me to call everyday, I told them that I was just too busy to keep up with calling them daily. Instead, I would just text my mom to let her know how I was doing. Beyond that, you can go home on the weekend or during breaks (like fall break, thanksgiving, spring break, etc.) and you can tell your family about your experiences. Since I live off-campus with my sister now, I’m not as homesick as I was last year. I think the best thing you can do is communicate with your family through phone calls, text messages, or even video calls.
It’s up to you what you wanna do to keep in touch with your family. Don’t worry though because they’ll always be a phone call away. Hope this helps and best of luck! You can do this 
I was terrified to go away to college for all the reasons you stated. Thank God for my mother who made me go. I never would have gone if the decision was left up to me. I was so homesick the first 3-4 weeks although I worked very hard to hide my feelings and only cried in private or silently in my bed at night. I only had two roommates during my four years of college. The first was the one you get by chance that the school matched me up with. We had nothing in common but stayed together the first two years and are still friends today. You know what is really sad? As adults are still friends an all these “hundred years later” (we live on opposite coasts), we have shared with one another how we both felt the same way when we started but were pretending we had it all together. We’ve had a few good laughs about that and are both sorry now we didn’t confide in the other so we could have helped one another. My second roommate was a friend who we chose to room together and we are in touch on almost a daily basis although we live in different states. My classes were amazing. My professors were amazing. The food was good enough. I played a sport as a walk on but sadly didn’t try until my sophomore year after I watched and decided I was good enough. I missed out on a whole year because I was too shy and afraid I would fail. I tell my own children to not let that happen. I tell them to put themselves out there and go for it. To try things so they don’t miss out like I did. I think the reason why I read CC is because I loved college so much. I see so much of who I was in your post - push yourself. You can do it. Let yourself grow. Force yourself to grow. I also tell my own senior in high school that by the time he actually goes off to college he will be older and more mature than he is now. Every six months at your age makes a difference. Good luck!
Why go away? You mention schools that are within driving distance, why not look at them?
Sure, we all need to grow up and leave the nest. But not everyone is ready to do so at age 17. None of the milestones of growing up happen on an exact schedule-- we didn’t learn to walk or talk in complete sentences or ride a bike at the exact same age. The same is true with leaving the nest-- not everyone is ready at the end of 12th grade.
So, sure, apply to schools that will let you go away; it’s always a good idea to leave your options open and it’s only November. But also include some schools that will enable you to stay home… maybe one or two that will allow you to transfer, like a CC, and some others that are solid 4 year options.
For what it’s worth, I didn’t go away to school and neither did any of my close friends. We all stayed home, attended CC together, transferred to a local university together, carpooled, worked together, vacationed together and had the most fabulous 4 years together!!!
Not everyone can or should go away to school for a multitude of reasons. It’s OK, it’s normal, it’s part of what makes each of us unique. And being close to your family is nothing to be ashamed of.
So leave your options open, and give yourself the time of 4 or 5 months to make this decision.
Listen to the advice given so far^^^.
It’s okay to be scared.
It’s okay to want to live near home.
It’s not that big a deal where you go or how you got there.
Go to a CC to get your feet wet. When you are ready to move on, you will.
You don’t have to go away to school to prove anything to anyone. The paper they print your diploma on isn’t geographically-linked to any area, so stay home.
You are wise to limit your applications to colleges within a short drive from home. Add in some hometown options, cc or local universities also. This will give you options, and you do not have to decide until late spring of senior year.
Have you ever spent a week away from home? Sleepover camp, sports clinics, dance competitions, etc? Finding small ways to practice bits of independence can build your confidence.
Practicing Adult Lifeskills (laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, budgeting, part time job, navigating in a strange city) is a proactive way to funnel your nervousness into productive activity.
You are getting some great input. If you haven’t been away ever, do practice a bit, as @powercropper suggests.
One thing to remember: you are up in the night in a panic about something that is almost a year in the future. You are in a stage of life where you are doing a LOT of changing and growing.
How you feel today - anticipating an unknown - than you, a year older, with a specific college (that you have been to), with specific housing (that you have seen), with specific things you are looking forward to.
As you can see from the posters above, there are many students for whom this is a big, challenging leap. Remember that 1) you will NOT be the only one and 2) the universities all know that this is a big transition, and they do a lot of small and large things to make you feel welcome and at home.
Also, consider including a few smaller colleges (start with the Colleges That Change Lives) that really focus on being inclusive communities, where ‘everybody knows your name’.
Your feelings were the exact same as mine a few months ago. I’m a freshman at a university 1,600 miles away from home, and my Thanksgiving break just ended actually (still teared up a bit when I hugged my parents goodbye, and I’m sitting alone in my dorm feeling somewhat homesick right now).
A few days before I had to leave for college, I was also like you. I stayed up all night to cry. I’m pretty sure I cried once or twice every week for the entire month of August. However, after classes actually started, I didn’t even have time to think about home. I joined some clubs and made friends, which kept me busy even on weekends. I video called home a bunch initially which really helped, but now I don’t call that frequently.
The advice I’m gonna give is probably cliche and repetitive, but it helped me, a big anxiety-ridden crybaby, so I’m sure it’ll help you at least a little! Make friends and join clubs. This is a must. Orientation is a great place to start. I met my closest friend (and most likely my roommate for next year!) at orientation. Friends and clubs will keep you busy, guaranteed. Call home often. It’s likely that after classes start and the assignments/quizzes/exams/projects start piling up, you won’t even have time to feel homesick (not trying to scare you here ). Don’t shut yourself in your room on the weekends; even if you’re not a partier (I’m 100% not), try to hang out with friends if you and they don’t have extra homework/studying to do. Something as small as aimlessly walking around campus together goes a long way.
And remember to think about college as an extended vacation. There’s Thanksgiving break, winter break, spring break, and after all that, summer break! Plus, if you don’t live as far as I do, you can always visit on weekends. You’re not stuck there forever. Also, I don’t know if this will help you, but I set countdowns for breaks and looking at them always cheers me up (24 more days until I get to fly home for winter break!). Hope this helps and good luck with transitioning to college!!!
I’ll be honest with you. I’m not a very emotional guy. But I cried during the first week of college than the last 10 years of my life combined. It wasn’t so much that I was sad, I think I was just very overwhelmed, nervous, and a little insecure. The crying made me feel more insecure. But before long, things adjusted. I think humans are built to adapt. There are certain junctions in our lives that everyone goes through. Before you get there, you cannot imagine going through it. I didn’t think of myself as a college student for weeks. But eventually, and not as long as you might think, everything normalizes. Sure, you’ll miss your family, and some weekends will be worse than others. But they’re only a phone call away, and perhaps a drive every now and again.
College is a huge step in your life. So large that it is hard to fathom how you’d deal with it. But when the time comes, you’ll naturally step up and make the best of your opportunity.
Good luck at college, you’ll do great!!!
Read my pinned post at the top of this page: http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/2016222-to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc-p1.html .
Yes, your feelings are normal. My daughter had a terrible time settling in at college, and now, as a sophomore, loves her school and has great friends. Her living at college five hours away was the best thing we could have done for her, and she knows it.
On the other hand, I lived at home through six years of community college and State U. It worked for me, and I had a fine time during those years, but if I were to do it over again, I would go away to college. I missed out on making great friends and creating a network for future jobs. I am a very outgoing person, but I literally did not make one friend at my college. It can be hard to do at a commuter school, because often, students at commuter schools do not make an effort to get involved in campus life.
I think you should consider a few things, rather than staying awake crying about something that hasn’t happened yet, and may not happen for several more years. As I mentioned, commuter school can be very sterile and boring. If ALL of your friends plan to go off to college, make an effort to cultivate new friendships, either at work or by involving yourself in the college. You should think about the benefits of living away from home: increased maturity, independence, opportunities to meet a lot of new people and get involved in activities that you might have no access to at home, internships from getting to know professors, and those same professors perhaps writing recommendations for grad school, etc…
You are going to be an adult and leave home at some point. The great thing about going away to college is that there are plenty of breaks and you will find yourself home a lot, especially for the first couple of years. It’s great to experience the freedom, fun, responsibility and camaraderie that college offers. On the other hand, it’s great to save money by living at home while at college, and there is no big upheaval.
Part of me thinks you need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get out of your comfort zone. But if you attend a college very close to home and make plans to go home every weekend, I advise against doing that. Kids who go home all the time do not fare well. It is very difficult to form friendships when a student is never around on the weekends. If you envision that kind of experience, you might be best staying home and commuting.
Great posts to read and consider. Set yourself up to have multiple options in the spring, and then focus on the present.
Constant worrying, crying all night, losing sleep, can rob your present life of joy. There is fun to be had, and precious memories to be made during your senior year.
Find a way to compartmentalize the college application process, come up with a set, vague answer to well meaning relatives and friends about your future college plans. You can opt out of detailed conversations about college, and this is one time you don’t need to be completely honest with every single person who inquires about your future.
I turned 29 (way too many years ago) and spent EVERY single day for an entire year dreading turning 30. I had built up this fear and it was completely out of proportion (I had no relatives who died at an early age) and I wasted a solid YEAR of my life obsessing about my age. And then, I turned 30, felt no different than I had at 29 or 28, and the Regret hit me hard. Why had I wasted my time worrying about age?
If you need help with your concerns, tell a parent, a teacher or guidance counselor, a pastor, or other trusted adult. Counseling can be helpful to give you ways to balance your emotions. If your parents are pushing hard for you to make college decisions now, you need to be honest with them about your stress level. If parents don’t let up in pressure, or don’t support your request for counseling, try again with other trusted adults.
When thinking about college, everything is new to you. New room, new teachers, new friends, new food. It is scary, especially now when you may not have visited or don’t know anyone. As you get accepted, and then maybe visit accepted students day, and then orientation, and join a FB group for your class…then you feel more comfortable.
But is your the usual amount of anxiousness? or more than that?
Do you have social anxiety?
http://socialphobia.org/social-anxiety-disorder-definition-symptoms-treatment-therapy-medications-insight-prognosis
Is that why you don’t want to leave your family?
If so, consider that when choosing a school.
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/2007642-students-with-anxiety-choosing-a-college-p1.html
This is totally normal. My advice? If you’re not ready right now DON’T GO! I thought I had to get away and I regretting every second of it.
There’s no rule saying you have to leave. Take a semester or a year going to school at home to get adjusted to college, then transfer somewhere ‘bigger’.
Or, try going away. If you hate it, there’s no shame in transferring back home.
Everything is scary, but nothing is as bad as it seems. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you’re not ready.