I can't make friends no matter how hard I try and I'm sick of it

College Confidential Community
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<p>I've recently started college at a pretty big university (which I shall not name, or name anything in this post for that matter for various reasons), and I've only been here for about a month now... And my problem is, I can't make friends. I just can't. I've done everything in the book: joining clubs, sports, talking to people on my floor, talking to strangers, talking to people who I wouldn't normally talk to... but no dice. One of the reasons I decided to come to such a big school was so that I would have plenty of opportunities to make friends because I've had a bit of trouble keeping friends in high school, and while you might say "it's only been a month, you should keep trying", it's extremely discouraging to look around and see that literally everybody else is talking, eating, studying, tossing a frisbee, whatever, with someone else and not having anyone at all to look forward to.</p>

<p>Let me explain a little bit of background to put it in better perspective. I grew up in a very small grade school. By 8th grade, there were only 9 kids, so by default, we were all pretty much best friends. But high school came around and things changed. We all kind of ended up at different schools. Some of us broke off right away, so I only had about 4-5 solid friends left. No big deal. Made another friend freshman year of HS who was actual a neighbor of one of my other friends, so even better. As high school went on, they all got into drinking and weed and all. And while I tried drinking the first time with them, I never enjoyed it. So I guess naturally they invited me out less and less because I never wanted to do what they did. To this day, I don't drink much at all (was completely against it at one point, now I do it only when I feel like it. I have never EVER wanted to fall for that peer pressure crap), but now I've fallen out of my friend circle because 1) I was never up to do things they were doing and 2) being at different schools than me, they've gotten into other social circles.</p>

<p>Ending up at a smaller high school myself, I ended up meeting new people fairly quickly though because, well, everyone knew each other. It was always nice being in school because everyone always seemed like your friend during the day, but then outside of school nobody ever invited me anywhere. I assume it being for the same reason my other friends separated from me, because everybody wanted to party. Every now and again, I'd be able to get a few guys together and get something to eat or just chill in someones basement, but those nights I lived for were the ones everyone else thought were boring. And those events/parties where everyone in my class would go to? Never invited to those either. By senior year, I had tried to enjoy myself more, and try to initiate plans more with other people, but they've failed so much that I eventually just gave up. I spent another summer alone, went out maybe 5-6 times max. I was really just looking forward to getting out of town, and starting over at college. Let me tell you that my parents/family only made it worse most of the time.</p>

<p>I was always close with my siblings and parents, but I couldn't wait to get away from them the most. I don't even miss them for the most part now. Every weekend my parents would ask me if I made plans (as if this time I was actually getting out), and I would say no, to that they would start naming a bunch of people who I should call up or whatever and wouldn't leave me alone about it, to which at that point it would just make me so made that I would just avoid them for the rest of the night. They tell me they don't want me locked up in my room all day (as if I wanted to), but they are also STRICT about me and my older brothers drinking. They don't even want me associating with people who do it. They found out about some kid I was friendly with, and now they always tell me they don't want me near him. They don't want me hanging around people who drink, yet they're telling me to have a social life in HIGH SCHOOL (oh, the irony). They probably think I'm a loser for not having a social life, but I don't even care what they think anymore now that I'm in college.</p>

<p>Now that I'm in college, it's not the brand new social life that I thought it would be. What bugs me the most is that when I was at orientation, the guides literally told us to "get involved" like it was the school's motto. "Join clubs" they said, "You'll make all sorts of new friends" they said. I joined a few clubs and sports I thought I'd be interested in, and I still don't feel welcomed anywhere. I approach people, try to be nice, try to seem interested in them, (which, for me, is a huge step out of my comfort zone because I'm a very quiet person) but they don't seem to be interested in me. That or I find that the other person is not my type, or someone I don't "click" with. The people in my building are nice, but don't seem to share the same interests I do. My roommate also doesn't seem to be very outgoing or willing to hang out with me either. While I've always been quiet and for the most part don't mind being alone, on the contrary I'm very LONELY. And I've been able to deal with this for most of high school, I did my work, I exercised a lot, and I looked forward to seeing people in school everyday. Most days I'm able to live with it, but other days I just get angry and sad. I want to cry like a baby sometimes. It's kind of weird to say, but I have no other way of venting my anger. Exercising helps a little, but only does so much. I can't live with it anymore, just getting through the week doesn't work like it used to. I'm sick of it. I normally keep myself together pretty well, but I'm slowly going insane. I can't even get school work done anymore (even though I did great in high school) because I am bored with the quality of my life. I've never had suicidal thoughts, however. I do not see it as a good option under any circumstance, although you could say I am depressed. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm discontent with just being content. I've gotten through a tough period in my life only for my life in college to be exactly the same so far. I don't want to go through another four lame years because I have no friends. When people say that college years are the best years of your life, I genuinely want that to be true. I don't want to get into the real world and have nothing enjoyable to look back on. but at the same time I don't know how to tackle this problem.</p>

<p>Sorry this was such a long winded rant. I did this just to get everything off my chest to make myself feel better... And now I just feel worse. Any advice would be much appreciated.</p>

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<p>There seems to be a lot of college students who come on this forum feeling they don’t fit in at college for one reason or another. I’m sorry you are having a tough time. Is there a counseling center at your school? It would probably be beneficial if they had a group session for you and the other hundred freshmen who feel the same way you are feeling. I promise you are not the only student who feels friendless. Are you living in the dorm? Stay in the clubs you are involved with, be diligent with your attendance, and you’ll make some acquaintances. </p>

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<p>I’m sorry your college social life hasn’t been what you expected or hoped for. If it’s any consolation, you are not the only freshman who feels that way, regardless of how it appears. Best advice I can give you is to find a community service opportunity that will help you feel useful and give you a reason to be involved with others. If you don’t already have a part-time job, that can be a good way to get to know people as well. Midterms are probably coming up, so approaching some classmates about forming a study group is an option.</p>

<p>I’m glad you are exercising, as getting some endorphins going is important. Getting some counseling would also be helpful and is usually readily available on campus. Hang in there; it’s frustrating that it takes time to find your people, and you may need to hang out with some of the people you don’t feel are your type – they may surprise you.</p>

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<p>If you read around these forums, I bet we have had a dozen students (at least) post something similar in the past few weeks. Give it time, and keep doing what you are doing. If you are staying in on a weekend night, leave your room door open (and maybe play some music, but not super loud/annoying). Someone else staying in might stop by. </p>

<p>Look into whether you can join any kind of volunteer organization on campus. Volunteering week in and week out is a good way to get to know people. Or help organize some big campus event. If you are political, there is probably a lot of activity right now in your campus Democrat or Republican clubs (campaigning, etc). Look into the Greek organizations on campus – not all are party organizations – on some campuses there are frats or co-ed Greek groups that don’t have houses and are all about service activities. Do you have any interest in the campus paper? They might need help, and that is a good way to meet people (long evenings in the newspaper room trying to come up with snappy headlines… one of my fondest memories!). Or go volunteer at the theater department to help with sets, costumes, lighting, etc. Those groups spend a lot of time together and bond pretty well. Do you have a job? Another way to spend enough time with people to get to know them well. If your hall or dorm does offer an activity that isn’t partying, try to attend. Do you have people you know from high school on campus? Get together with them – you might click with their roommates or friends. My best friend from college is someone I met because a high school friend of mine met her at orientation. </p>

<p>If you are still struggling at the end of this year, look into changing your housing options. If your campus has co-operative housing, you might try that (I lived in co-op senior year of college, and it was a great way to meet people, just wish I had found it sooner). Or if there are special interest houses on your campus, try those. You might consider substance free housing – at some colleges those are tight-knit, multi-age groups living in those dorms/halls.</p>

<p>Don’t stress too much. So many students expect friendships to somehow form immediately when they get to campus. Keep working at meeting people, and you will eventually find a group. </p>

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<p>First off, hugs to you. I know this has got to be really difficult…you sound smart and caring and witty…all of the traits that people need…I’m just really sorry you are going through this. Everyone’s practical advice is spot-on…but I just wanted you to know that you have our support. </p>

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<p>Hey, it’s great that you are explaining your perspective. You are helping others see similarities and helping parents like me understand their children better. My student - Freshman - is experiencing something similar and now, thanks to you, I know what NOT to say! I am not sure about the solution, but getting excellent grades will get you looked at for interviews when you graduate and adult life is very different. I suggested to my child that living at home and commuting at least gives you family, but now I see it more clearly through your eyes. Family is the most important, so keep close to them and tell them honestly what you typed here. Then they will lay off and you will have a comfortable place to just be you. As you progress with your major, your work load will get harder and there will be more specific major-related activities to join. I guess you kind of answered your own questions in a way. Just settle in a little longer and be on your own within the larger university and see what happens. Focus on grades. If it still feels too lonely after two more months, then plan to move back home for a local university and work. I know for my shy kids, jobs provide social chatter while earning money! You get away from home a little bit and get financially ahead for a few extra things. Keep us posted and share more as you go along. Stay strong!!</p>

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<p>Oh. You know I can’t say I was friendless in high school (at least not the last few years) since I had a gang of really close friends like the ones that I had always wished for. We all were very dorky (all of the guys love to play Magic, my best friend’s girlfriend is an anime freak, and then there was sasster (hope she doesn’t read this she’ll recognize the nickname)). But that’s not my point. I kind of…sort of…chose the one college where I absolutely know no one and where we all like to stick to ourselves rather than socialize (techie school). I do miss my friends allot and probably feel just as lonely as you do since I am really losing contact with them cause we are all too busy.</p>

<p>Friends are that one person that you bother even if they think you are weird at first. Try to be who you want to be. Ignore the stares of feelings of “they don’t like me”. Don’t ever think that. If they obviously don’t like you then shrug and move on to the next person. Don’t be depressed and it will get better and it is too soon to jump to conclusions. It feels that way at first. Make a vision for yourself. Pick a role and say “I wanna be seen as this” and play it and it will work. Mine is “I wanna be seen as that secondary character in the background that always laughs and just has that much more fun than the main one.” It doesn’t mean change to fit. Just being you can be hard, but it’s actually very nice to feel free. Find things you love and have in common with other people and talk about it. Fight about it. Debate about it. Joke about it. You will feel more comfortable. </p>

<p>And as to end my very exhaustive comment (my comments usually suck, but I like giving them anyway :slight_smile: ) my name is Silver (yes, really, no one ever believes me) and if you are ever up to a deep discussion about anything feel free to comment back. And please don’t ever think of committing suicide over feeling lonely. (i’m not gonna say anything else about suicide, touchy subject, but yeah) Us other lonelies give you kudos and wish you luck and if I knew you rest assured I would already be bothering you and you would be giving me that funny look, too. </p>

<p>Everything will be okay, life is awesome and so are you. Don’t forget that. </p>

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<p>Just let me say there is nothing wrong with you. It happens to many people at various stages in their life and there is no logical explanation. However, things do get better. Lean on your family and remember they are your friends. Secondly, you have to find places where you can make friends. What are your passions, what do you love to do? If you know that you can find like minded individuals joining groups with the same passions as you. Otherwise keep trying things until you find your passion. My child does not drink either and that can make it more challenging but there are many others like you. You are likely to find nonparty animals working a part-time job among alot of people your age or in a ministry on campus. This is where my child has made a number of close friends. Also, look into taking an acting class where you can learn to be comfortable in awkward situations. Study groups are also another excellent place to meet people. If all else fails transfer, but you really need to do your homework to figure out if it is a fit for you. </p>

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<p>The OP hasn’t been on CC since the day the post was written.</p>

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<p>@MaineLonghorn‌ darn it was a <em>whispers</em> tr*ll?</p>

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<p>@silvermightedm, not necessarily - it could have just been someone venting and neglecting to come back to check on his thread. I just hate to see people spending time to write a thoughtful post, if he’s not coming back to read it.</p>

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<p>@MaineLonghorn‌ true dat.</p>

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<p>Maybe he made a friend!</p>

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<p>If you try too hard to make friends, you won’t make any friends. It’s simple as that. All you’re thinking is make friends, make friends, and make friends. But you’re totally forgetting and ignoring the whole idea and concept of FRIENDS. Making friends is a natural thing, you have a conversation with them, things flows naturally, then you’re friends. If you keep thinking, how do I have a conversation with someone so they can find me interesting and become buddies, then you never will. You want to know the biggest secret? YOU HAVE TO BE YOURSELF. Social skill is very important too. Observe people with lots of friends, observe the way they talk etc. Now I’m not saying you have to be exactly like them. But observe “popular” people because they must have something that makes others wanna be their friends. I know some kids have lots of friends because they are very nice, of course people wanna be around nice people. They always give out compliments and are lways willing to help. Which makes people happy, then they wanna be your friends. Some are very talkative and knows how to keep a conversation, people can’t be friends with you if there’s nothing to talk about right? Also you have to be outgoing to have more friends. I mean naturally outgoing. You will get the hang of it. You have to be YOURSELF, be NATURAL, if you try too hard it’s not only gonna appear fake, but you’ll annoy and creep people out. Now keeping friends is a whole another thing. Be creative and original, and friends will naturally come to you. Be the person that makes others think that, dang that dude’s’ cool, I wanna be friends with him.</p>

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<p>Just chill out a bit. Don’t try too hard fitting in or something. You won’t need fake friends, will you?</p>

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Aww, I’m a college freshman going through the exact same thing for the exact same reasons. It’s awful, isn’t it? hugs Anyway, I’m going to try to make friends this semester, but I will transfer in the fall if the soul-crushing loneliness continues and my credits transfer correctly. I suggest that you consider doing the same. I’ve been seeing a counselor and she told me it’s the school that’s the problem; different schools tend to have different personalities. And even if you don’t end up transferring, applying to other schools will make you feel less like you’re trapped in this crappy situation. Good luck; I wouldn’t wish this torture on anyone!

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