I don't belong

Parents Forum
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<p>NoSoccermom, I’m sure your husband doesn’t appreciate it when his patients get medical advice from strangers on the internet. And with that in mind- you should be very careful before telling someone that they should or should not seek medical treatment (including pharmaceuticals if that’s what’s indicated based on the symptoms and a diagnosis.) Your husband would be appalled that someone would decide based on a stranger’s input that they can manage their diabetes without insulin. Maybe they can and maybe they can’t. Your husband would be appalled that someone would decide to stop steroid treatments because too many kids take ritalin (as if that’s relevant.) Your husband would be angry if someone with MS stopped taking their meds because the shots are painful and hey, it’s all in your head anyway and you should just get a grip and change your life.</p>

<p>You should stop practicing medicine on the internet.</p>

<p>OP- the decision to take an anti-depressant is one which you should make with the help and advice of someone who is licensed to practice medicine, not some doctor’s wife bloviating on a message board.</p>

<p>NoSoccermom- shame on you. You are talking to a teenager and you aren’t doing so with a smidgen of compassion or expertise in mental health. Back off.</p>

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<p>Ah, so what was good for you is automatically good for someone you have never met, haven’t treated because you’re not qualified, and have very limited knowledge about. Got it.</p>

<p>The OP needs to be seen by people who are actually qualified to evaluate her and advise her on her options. Medication may or may not be appropriate for her, but that determination should be made by someone who actually knows what they are talking about.</p>

<p>Sometimes it takes a bit of searching to find the right therapist, the right doctor. Don’t give up yet, OP.</p>

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<p>FWIW, my brother worked his azz off to get into a prestigious six-year med program. It took him less than two weeks to drop out of it and change to electrical engineering (note - he had no pressure to become a doctor by the way, he thought it was his true calling until he found out about the work necessary).</p>

<p>He’s a hardware engineer (which ended up being a very difficult major) and an EMT part-time. Don’t know if he would have been happier to be a doctor, he is pretty good at pontificating without a medical license.</p>

<p>As for the OP - yes, maybe you are depressed, maybe you are clinically depressed. But really it sounds like your major issues are situational - lack of support, feeling trapped, think you can’t do things you thought you could. Would anyone feel different in your situation?</p>

<p>When I was growing up, I had an aunt who I felt I could go to if things really hit the fan. She was good about giving advice when I wanted it, and shutting up when I didn’t need it. If there is anyone you can think of in your life who could help you in that way, please reach out to them.</p>

<p>As for “your mom will skin you alive” - how real is that? Will she throw you out of the house? Will she disown you? If you pull up your britches and take a year leave (not qutting yet) from the university, and ask to come home, will she say “no”? Part of maturity is being able to make decisions, even if they are unpopular or risky.</p>

<p>If there is something seriously going on in your family, could you maybe get a job in the town you are going to college in, and try to get your own place?</p>

<p>The thing is, if someone gives out scholarships, their order of priority is for students to succeed, but if they don’t, give up the scholarship so someone else can use it. But taking a year of leave, if you can according to university rules, might be a good idea. I do suggest NOT giving mental health reasons for it, because it may be more difficult to return. I love “family issues” as a catchall excuse.</p>

<p>The reality is, colleges do want to retain students, especially students like you who have so much potential. I do not know what might turn you around, but I have students who have taken my freshman classes two, three, or more times, and THEN they finally got it, then they understand how things work.</p>

<p>But if you need to leave college to begin to be happy again, somehow you need to convince your mom of this. Medication or counseling will not make the reasons for your pain go away. It sounds like it is not the right time for you to be in college, and I hope somehow you can convince your family of that.</p>

<p>Is it possible for you to start manifesting that plan, to take a year off, in your mind? What you would do? Would you work, or would you take one or two community college courses? Or would you visit someone or somewhere (if you can afford it)? What do you see yourself doing if you had time off from college?</p>

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<p>@Blossom: No shame on me - shame on you for your assumptions. My physician husband is appalled that others are telling the her to seek drugs because drugs are not always the answer to depression unless there is seriously a chemical imbalance. So other posters are just as much to blame. But seriously, she can’t just go out and get the drugs, so my opinion doesn’t matter - she still has to convince an M.D. to write a prescription. Our good friend is a child psychiatrist and agrees that there are more children on meds than necessary. And I know of people who were put on anti-depressant drugs and it worsened their condition. Maybe drugs are fine in your life, but they can wreck havoc on those who don’t really need them. She should change her life and wait a year, then check with a psychiatrist. It seems to me that her mom is the real issue here and she is not supporting her mentally as a mom should. Take the mom out of the picture, and things could improve without even needing drugs. </p>

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<p>I should also let you know that my physician husband manages the development of vaccines and drugs so he knows the implications and people shouldn’t be flippant about just turning to drugs for help. Although drugs have their place in society, they are often overprescribed.</p>

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<p>Nobody here is prescribing. The rest of us are encouraging the OP to seek counseling and get an objective view on his/her issues.</p>

<p>Nobody is flippant about turning to drugs, nor should you dismiss the OP’s issues as “just the mom”.</p>

<p>How the heck do you know? </p>

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<p>My spouse’s nephew is 8 years old. He has been on anti-depressants for several years - go figure, his parents got divorced when he was 5 and he was sad. And for some reason, counseling seemed to make things worse.</p>

<p>YMMV, but the OP’s situation is just that, a situation. It might be a severe situation, but it is a situation.</p>

<p>Talking about “taking mom out of the picture” - I had to stop talking to my mom for months while in college, every time we talked I ended up crying and miserable (and there I was doing pretty well socially and academically at an Ivy). My boyfriend said stop calling her, stop answering if she calls. It really helped me cope, and she learned not to freak me out every time she called.</p>

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<p>The original post is heartbreaking and I think her mom has caused her depression. NoSoccerMom is right about society turning to drugs to fix unhappiness. People turn to alcohol and drugs to solve their problems and issues worsen. People turn to prescription drugs and get addicted. rhandco’s advice is rational here. She should change her environment and move away from her mom and figure it all out. When my dad died, my life improved; don’t be around toxic parents.</p>

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<p>You definitely sound depressed, and medications can pull you out of that so that you can determine what part of your challenges might be depression and what might be life problems. Please consider something like Lexapro. The antidepressants are all a little different, some sedating and some more activating. A primary care doc can prescribe them but it might be good to see a psychiatrist if possible. I think that therapy only works for some: my family members avoid it but meds help them a lot.</p>

<p>One of my kids was depressed (bipolar 1) called me from school to say she needed to leave, and I was fine with it. She recovered but still feels traditional college is not for her. Whether you are bright or not, I would, if I were you parent, support you looking for other paths. Try National Outdoor Leadership School (I know two people who have recovered from depression doing expeditions with them). Look at community college certificate programs in the medical or other fields. There are still jobs that involve apprenticeships. Do you like working with your hands, woodworking, cabinetmaking?</p>

<p>I really get passionate on the subject of the indoctrination in our country on the necessity of college for everyone. There should be more options that you can feel good about.</p>

<p>That said, when you feel better, you may want to do school. But keep in mind that half of college students these days are not “college age” or on residential campuses. And there are many nontraditional ways to finish, online, low residency, one class at a time, and so on. </p>

<p>I know some really successful people who were “a mess” in their mid twenties. Just get some help, and know that there are other viewpoints out there besides your mom’s.</p>

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<p>I don’t think we should be practicing medicine here. I think we can help by explaining what the different professions actually do, but it’s on the OP to seek treatment from professionals. That’s what people here are recommending. If the OP is 18, the mom has no say. </p>

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<p>I don’t think anyone has suggested buying drugs on the street. Of course medications are obtained through physicians. </p>

<p>As the child of a parent who committed suicide, who could have been helped with medications, and the parent of a child who inherited his condition and almost also died of it, I take possible depression very seriously. Her life has been changed by medications. My other child is on insulin: I see no difference.</p>

<p>Many of the comments of the original poster are so down on her(?)self that I would say this goes beyond situational. And at that age, it can be hard to see a way out of the tunnel. I see this kind of situation as fairly urgent, but each of us brings to the table what we have experienced in our own lives.</p>

<p>SSRI’s are not addictive and I don’t know anyone who abuses them. They are very different from, say, Adderall or Xanax. There can be some withdrawal for sensitive people. But they can be life-saving. Using one for a limited time just to boost a person out of a real depression is one option.</p>

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<p>First, you get your mood stable by working with a psychiatrist and psychotherapist that are well-matched for you. Shop around. After your mood is stable, you’ll be in a good position to consider back surgery and further education (surgery during school doesn’t mix). Working for a gap year/s while you develop a degree of “separation” and independence from your mom (and family?) is definitely something to consider. Once your mood is stable, eventually you will come to enjoy some people and be attracted to some subjects, issues, places, trades, careers, etc. From that point, you can move in most any direction that’s possible for you. Perhaps a trade, or a degree, or a job. You know, most jobs seem to require customer service and/or office skills with management and marketing under it all. Perhaps that’s a baseline from which you can find a job. Just today I saw an entry-level trainee customer service job for a big insurance headquarters. Just need HS. I’d recommend avoiding retail as it’s become abusive to the workers. Consider 9-5 type office jobs. Those can lead lots of places. </p>

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<p>If you read what the OP said " the therapist said I was depressed and should see a psychiatrist and get on meds." she’s already had a mental health professional evaluate her and recommend meds (with psychiatric approval). Anyone suggesting this is not randomly pushing drugs but is suggesting she follow through on the medical advice she got but her mom rejected for her–“She was against it, and said I’d be fine once I got back into school.” Mom’s approach hasn’t worked out on either medical issue, so please find good medical doctors, not someone who wants to you do school and ignore your health.</p>

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<p>I just joined CC because I’m searching for college info, but had to post here because this is close to home for me. I was once suicidal due to my dad’s verbal abuse, favoring my brother, and my mom’s controlling yet complacent parenting. I withdrew from friends and merely existed. I needed guidance but they figured I’d find my way on my own. They both made it clear that I was a failure because I didn’t try hard enough in school and got A’s and B’s instead of all A’s. And they treated and still treat me like I’m an idiot, never listening to my opinion. I married well and am raising my children and avoid my parents when I can. Parents have a big impact on children, and they can actually make a child depressed if they hammer over and over that the child isn’t good enough. Is it clinical depression? How are we to know what is going through the person’s head by reading her posting? It’s not difficult to convince a therapist you need meds - question is, do you really need meds? A therapist told me I should try meds. Parents do have a huge impact on the happiness of children. My mom still nags and still argues with me for the sake of arguing and I’m 51 years of age. You can’t change your mom, but you can avoid her. Just because she gave birth to you doesn’t give her the right to abuse you. I was clearly depressed due to my family life and I am glad I didn’t end my life or I would not have experienced the joy of children. And no, I never needed meds - I just needed people to feel loved and I found that in my husband and children.</p>

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<p>I find it difficult to believe the therapist said to see a psychiatrist and “get on meds”. Perhaps he/she said the OP had enough symptoms of a clinical depression to warrant an evaluation by a psychiatrist. </p>

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<p>Or the therapist said to get evaluated by a physician (endocrinologist? lots of other disorders can mimic depression if the body chemistry is out of whack) and the mom interpreted that as “get on meds”. I have a friend who was nearly suicidal due to Hashimoto’s- once her thyroid was under control (via meds, sorry to the anti-med crowd here) her mood disorder disappeared.</p>

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<p>You wrote:</p>

<p>“Hi. I’m a sophomore and I have a full ride to a state school. My first two semesters were terrible. I came in bio pre-med. But the weed out courses did more than show me I don’t have the drive to become a doctor. They showed me that I barely have any drive for existing. I barely go to class anymore. I’ve talked to counselors, tried picking other majors, joining clubs, being social. Nothing’s working.”</p>

<p>First, congratulations on the full ride. You must be talented.</p>

<p>I think I can see you mother’s perspective a bit. You have a great opportunity here. She doesn’t want you to let it pass by.</p>

<p>But ultimately, it’s your life. You have time and talent, and you can do with it what you please (despite what anyone else thinks).</p>

<p>So, a useful exercise might be to envision your future. What would make you happy? How can you get there?</p>

<p>Maybe college isn’t the answer. Or, if you are unsure, perhaps you can study what you want to study, and see where it leads you.</p>

<p>I wish you the best. </p>

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<p>Part of what a responsible psychiatric professional would do is tease out how much depression or other illness is impairing the person’s ability to function, to what degree it is situational, and so forth. They also look at history, although in the case of an 18 yr old there isn’t much. If an 18 yr old is suffering from depression, for example, this may be the person’s first episode. They don’t just say, “Oh, feeling sad today? Swallow this and you will be all better!” There may be incompetent physicians who would do so, but in my experience while primary care doctors may prescribe initially, they also set up the individual with a therapist (someone to at least start with) if they aren’t seeing someone already, and the therapist will have the individual consult with a psychiatrist, and so forth. </p>

<p>I am disturbed that the OP feels worthless. I am also disturbed that she does not get appropriate support for serious medical issues from her custodial parent. It is easy for a person who does not suffer from depression to tell the person to just straighten up and take control. If the person could “just” do that, they would not be suffering from crippling depression.</p>

<p>Ii admit that my views on the OP’s situation are colored by my own history. I, too, was discouraged in the strongest terms by my mother from seeking therapy when I was in college. But unlike some of the people here who report having just shaken off a bad patch an gone on with no further ill effects, my problem has continued to dog me all my life, and significantly impacted what I did and did not do. Sure, I appeared to have just shaken it off, too. But it was always there, just below the surface, and it has hobbled me even when I looked successful and just fine. </p>

<p>I hope that the OP is able to take steps to address this now.</p>

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<p>Forget about college for now, and get help. You did not have competent counseling. You need both a psychiatrist, who is a medical doctor trained in psychiatry and can prescribe medication, and a licensed psychologist, who can provide actual counseling, and will work in conjunction with your psychiatrist to care for you. </p>

<p>My daughter sees her psychologist once a week and her psychiatrist once a month–this is a common pattern for established patients, although you may need to be seen more often at the beginning, until you are stable.</p>

<p>The question for you is do you want to get better? Your responses to others’ posts here make it sound as if you are enjoying being a victim. Therapy will not work for you unless you want to change. If you do not enjoy your current situation, change is the only option. But you have to choose it yourself.</p>

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<p>OP, as someone who grew up in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s I often encountered certain advice that I believe is given all too infrequently to young people today. I was often reminded, and I took it to heart, that we humans evolved in small hunter-gatherer groups and that is the social situation we are best suited for emotionally. Of course over time we found economic efficiency and safety in organizing in giant societies of millions, but it will always be a struggle to cope socially and emotionally inside such a large group (though many people will try to fool you into thinking they do it effortlessly). Virtually all of us need frequent positive feedback from others to continue coping, and when we do not get it from those we have most depended on, such as parents or teachers, we often suffer as it can be difficult to find amid the chaos and anonymity of a large society. So don’t think there is necessarily something wrong with you psychologically. There may be a problem with your fit in your current situation, but there are an unbounded number of possible situations you can begin to construct for yourself.</p>