I don't know what happened.

Parents Forum
1

<p>I felt like posting this in the parents forum, although I'm not even sure what feedback I want.</p>

<p>I'm in the middle of finals. I had a horrible first year. And this morning, I had two incompletes filled out by a counselor at the health center, and tomorrow I will file them with my professors. One of my professors was amazingly kind and understanding and let me move my final to Friday, but I still think I might fail it because I can't do it. I'm an emotional mess and I'm just...confused.</p>

<p>I never used to be this person. I had a 1600 on my SATs, a 4.36 GPA at the hardest prep school in Los Angeles, I did everything. So as I sat watching him fill those forms out this morning, I sat there, thinking how did I get to this place. </p>

<p>Saturday I'm going home, and I have to explain to my parents what happened. My parents and I don't communicate. We've always had problems, and part of the reason why I was miserable this year was because of them. They aren't going to be supportive, I already know, and I'm afraid of the worst case scenario. </p>

<p>People keep telling me that it's okay, I'm not alone in this, that plenty of freshmen have hard times and end up having to fail a class or whatever or take a semester off etc. I guess...has that happened to any of your children? And are they okay now? Because I'm terrified of what's going to happen to me.</p>

2

<p>Before you go home, talk to one of those health center doctors about the possibility that you have depression. That's treatable, at least. And treating it (if that's what's going on) might make it easier to deal with your parents.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

3

<p>I second dmd. Take incompletes rather than just an extension since your condition is unlikely to improve in a couple of days. Do you have an advisor, a freshman dean to talk to? Get cracking on this. Also, as Dmd suggested, talk to the health center doctors about the possibility that you have depression. As long as you are suffering from it, you cannot do your best. Depression is a medical condition; it is surprisingly common among college students and often hits in freshman year. Given your difficult relationship with your parents, it is better they see it as the medical issue it is rather than as a psychological one or a failure to do your best. Good luck.</p>

4

<p>I third dmd. Your record illustrates an amazing capacity to do academic work. Your freshman experience is obviously not "you" so I'd be looking for another explanation. Please don't let this one out-of-character experience dissuade you from continuing your academic career.</p>

5

<p>please go straight to Health Services, sweet dreams.</p>

<p>You are not the first freshman I know of who is arranging incompletes as we speak, nor are you the second. One has taken two incompletes due to physical health issue, one is taking incompletes due to mental health issue. When you have health issues or confusion so strong that you know you cannot pass an exam, then you owe it to yourself to see a professional so they can help you.</p>

<p>Your parents may understand better if you take medical incompletes, fwiw. Just as marite said.</p>

<p>And, sweetdreams, we are here for you if you need us. My hope is that your parents will understand. But if they don't, we do.</p>

6

<p>I do think that I am depressed, and I started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, my parents don't really believe in mental illness and...I just don't know how this will all go over with them. </p>

<p>thanks everyone.</p>

7

<p>sweetdreams87~</p>

<p>Sending {{{{{{{HUMONGOUS HUGS}}}}}}} to you. I'm going to echo those who are urging you to get treated for depression. I became VERY depressed during my freshman year of college, and like you, I had parents who did not believe in that "stuff." The truth was, they were terrified to have ANY part of our family's life put under the microscope because it was an EXTREMELY dysfunctional family. I would encourage you to do WHATEVER you have to do to get treatment. I'm sorry to come out and say this like this, but they are WRONG about depression/mental illness. It can affect ANYONE. PLEASE don't let them discourage you from seeking treatment. I did that--and continued to suffer from depression for the majority of the following <strong>20</strong> years. Best of luck to you sweetie. I'm pulling for you. </p>

<p>~berurah</p>

8

<p>I agree with berurah and the other posters.</p>

<p>Your counselor no doubt has helped students deal with difficult parents. So IMO ask for his/her advice before you go home.</p>

9

<p>sweetdreams, I am not denying that you may have depression, please do check this out-- but it may also be garden variety exhaustion and stress, too.</p>

<p>You were academically "perfect" in HS-- and it can be difficult to step down of that pedestal and be just plain "good" in college. That loss of identity can be a blow. Some schools for "perfect" kids-- like MIT-- encourage Pass/Fail first semester to ease this very transition. </p>

<p>After a less-than-happy time growing up at home, a collegiate social life can be a MAJOR distraction. If you are not sleeping enough, not eating well, or drinking, or taking drugs, the problem is exacerbated. Look at how you are/are not taking proper care of yourself.</p>

<p>It is okay to be overwhelmed; you will re-group. Try to lean on the helpful people, forgive yourself for the normal blunders you've made, look at the contributing factors, take care of your mental health, and come out of the gate strong next year.</p>

<p>Good is good enough! :) Hugs to you!!</p>

10

<p>I had similar experience when I was a freshman...I wish I had sought help</p>

<p>I let things slip and slide, and then it was too late to catch up</p>

<p>Back then I don't remember having the resources or the option you do</p>

<p>Do not feel ashamed, or a failure, or that you are not meant for college</p>

<p>You most definately are, just having a bumpy start, as others have said</p>

<p>Talk to someone, realize you are not alone, don't worry what anyone at the college thinks, they have seen it all, and you have not disappointed them at all</p>

<p>If you were my D, I would give you cookies and milk, and back you alll the way, you sound wonderful</p>

11

<p>Dear sweetdreams87,
It is common to have setbacks in college. As I was reading these posts, it occured to me that both my son and myself had problems in college when we each turned twenty. We both went to counselors, both took a year off, and both went back to college. I became an elementary school teacher who has taught for thirty years. And, my son is graduating in business this December and is enjoying his life very much.
Stay with the counseling and know you are valuable and are just in the middle of a rocky time. It will get better.
Take care.</p>

12

<p>
[QUOTE]
ending {{{{{{{HUMONGOUS HUGS}}}}}}} to you. I'm going to echo those who are urging you to get treated for depression. I became VERY depressed during my freshman year of college, and like you, I had parents who did not believe in that "stuff."

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>Wow, I'm in that same situation. I haven't been diagnosed with any sort of mental illness such as depression (I haven't even seen a counselor before), but I do think that I am. Now I am home and have no idea how to even get diagnosed or observed or anything, without my parents saying no. My parents don't believe in that stuff either (or that ADD is real), like sweetdreams, and I don't think they would accept any of that "nonsense" as an excuse of my problems freshman year. I also had a great high school record, and GPA (not prep school, but a very good public school), and I am now dealing with a D in one class 2nd semester, and C- in another. And to add to that, my home life has been less than great. I have been so overwhelmed with changes this year, and now have to transfer schools at the last minute because my parents don't think I can return to my school (BC) in the fall and progress enough to keep my scholarship.</p>

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<p>Go to the health center, and then get the name of a good therapist who you can continue to see after you go home. It may be the stress of school or something else and you need to find out what it is. If you can't get parental support, then you need to find it elsewhere, but you need support.</p>

14

<p>sweetdreams and ducttape....you're both I assume 18 or older, with insurance, and I hope even if parents aren't supportive or understanding that you will both seek medical help. </p>

<p>My S went through a scary period of panic attacks around age 20. After just the first day of appropriate medication he started to feel remarkably better.....depression and other brain chemistry problems can be interrelated, ie, medication can help. It won't solve your problems but it can make you feel better so you can function better.</p>

<p>I do hope your parents can understand, that's important.</p>

15

<p>((((((((((((((((¡¡HUGS!!)))))))))))))))</p>

<p>I have nothing to add to the excellent advice of the CC parents except to say that lots of kids get into your situation and it really will turn out ok. :hands over the milk and cookies and rubs your back:</p>

16

<p>I just want to add another perspective to this. IMO, it is very easy for a gifted HS student to perform the way you did but then become overwhelmed by a completely different college environment. Even if you went to a demanding HS, chances are that you were tested on regular intervals, took pop quizzes, were graded on HW assignments. And despite your difficulties at home, chances are your parents provided some structure, in that you were most likely keeping regular schedules, getting to bed at a reasonable hour, eating well and doing what you had to. </p>

<p>The shift to an unsupervised and unstructured lifestyle is a very difficult one for some students. IMO, it's particularly tough for those who barely had to study in HS. It's not that the work is so much harder, it's that there's so much more of it. With nobody checking up on your progess in the form of tests and HW, you don't have to do much of anything for a long periods of time, or so it can seem. The dorm atmosphere can seem like one big party, because there is always someone goofing off. It's deceptive though, because not everyone is goofing off all the time! </p>

<p>But then, it all hits the fan. Grades are determined in large part by one or two exams or papers and it is virtually impossible to catch up if you haven't been doing the volumes of reading, problem sets etc. as they are assigned. I think you do have to ask yourself why this has happened to you. Are you depressed because of the outcome or were you feeling that way before? I also feel it's essential for you to get some professional help. There are many possilbities here, including, but not limited as others have mentioned, to depression and ADD (commonly diagnosed very late in extemely bright individuals) or none of the above. </p>

<p>This is not the end of the world, I promise you. You will get through this, and learn from the experience and it's even possible that one day you will say that it was the best thing that ever happened to you. I know that is quite a stretch of a thing to say just now, but it is more true than you think.</p>

<p>A friend of my inlaws went to a very elite college many years ago, and had a similar experience to you -worse in that he straight out flunked out. He took a year off, worked, took some local CC classes, did well and was allowed to rematriculate. The experience so affected him, that he was determined to succeed the second time around, to the point where he became a VERY well known individual in his field.</p>

<p>I do think it's critical to speak to a counselor, if only to get advice on how to best handle dealing with your parents on this issue. If you can roleplay confronting them, for example, you may be far better prepared. In this case, what is your dreaded worst case scenario - a gap year? That is far from the end of the world if that's the case, although I can understand how you feel that way now. You should prepare yourself for the fact that they will be pretty unhappy about all this. If you can discuss with them where you feel you went wrong and how you are planning to change things, I imagine that would eventually be the best received approach. Resist any urge to be defensive with them, admit you screwed up, and that you feel you need some help and support. Just because you don't communicate well, doesn't mean they don't love you. Hopefully, they will adjust to this news and be able to help you , but if they dont' have that capacity, it will be up to you. You can do it!</p>

<p>Much, much good luck to you. Let us hear from you again.</p>

17

<p>:o( Aw... <em>hugs</em> It'll get better.</p>

<p>My advice to you is, if you do seek treatment for depression, do it early, preferably in the summer so you aren't trying to get that straightened out (a struggle in itself) while worrying about your sophomore year. Also, be careful with antidepressant meds. Really exhaust your other options before turning to them. I know the commercials make them sound wonderful, but they do carry a lot of risks for side effects. It would be better if you could learn to manage your depression without them altogether.</p>

<p>Anyway, I know countless people who, their freshman year, were put on academic probation and are now graduating with 3.-somethings. Don't give up!</p>

18

<p>^Speaking of medication, just be sure not to expect the medication to solve everything, for ADD or depression or whatever. Pay close attention to how the medicine makes you feel and take note of whether other people tell you that you seem different. Make sure that someone who cares about you and knows you well has an eye on you and can tell you honestly if you seem very unlike yourself. </p>

<p>I have a very medicated family (well, sort of) and I know that it can really help people, but it also isn't for everyone.</p>

19

<p>sweetdreams87..we hear you. Not only that-- we know that many CC parents and their buddies also had years where they simply felt "lost."
I am so glad to hear that you have been seeing a counselor at your current college. You are a very talented person with a great ability to learn but you are now working on your Emotional IQ. That is a trendy thing to talk about these days but an easy way to speak about the need to stop and reintegrate from time to time in life..and to become more aware of your inner personality and needs. You will learn more about yourself and about your family I promise and things will most definitely get better given time but you will feel a "lift" much faster if you seek out a counselor at home who can guide you or challenge any of your underlying beliefs that might be causing your trouble..for instance..you really don't have to be perfect or a top performer as you were in HS in life to be successful, and you are allowed to be confused, take a wrong turn, lose your way and work through it now and again down the road. This awakening to emotional self and to one's identity is tough for all of us..and a lifetime task really..to know thyself and to develop an accurate and fair idea of others. It is also harder to do in a family that tends to squelch developing insight. You are at the age when you are still tied very closely into your parents world but you must also work toward emotionally separating from them just enough to allow you the time and space about getting clear about who you are. Take very good care of yourself, respect yourself and do spend time with a counselor with or without your parents support over the summer. It is very important that you respect your parents, but you must not allow them to shame you out of getting perspective from an experienced counselor. There are places you can go with confidentiality in your town. Perhaps your parents' values about no focus on emotional issues is simply not enough to get you to a better place...so tend to yourself and give yourself that attention.<br>
I was a licensed counselor for many years and it sounds like you are still working on "problem definition"..in terms of understanding why you lost your focus at this juncture. No one is saying on the boards that you are definitely depressed but depression wears many masks and is extremely treatable with talk therapy and/or a season of meds when needed. Depression tends to resolve and improve when you get help, which is the dramatically great news. Defining the problem is actually very hard sometimes and takes some radically new ways to think about life. Do you have friends who are helping you think about this past season in your life? don't isolate yourself from your peers..seek out friendship. Read a lot and you will see that many of the dearest, brightest minds and hearts in this world have struggled through passages of depression and confusion. Do you love William Styron, do you appreciate some of our best comedians and actors, can you pick up biographies and see that many wonderful human beings suffered dark chapters, do you love great art or a great play on stage? Eliminate depression and confusion and the human condition is eliminated. Love yourself as much as you appreciate those artists that have written and portrayed tough passages in life. Your college freshman incompletes do not define you whatsoever. They do point out to you that you need to do some serious personal reflection at his moment. I have great confidence in your future, and even in your future ability to do very well in college. Do not get discouraged or let any one shame you..just high thee to the office of someone you trust and do some thinking. Life is long and full of challenges. Whatever you gain from counseling at ages 19-20 is going to help you always.
Don't expect too much of your parents and you will be less disappointed. You can't set out to change them but you can set out to alter yourself and to wake up to who you are and to what makes you most happy and fulfilled. Be a recruiter..that is one thing that sets people who make progress apart from others. By that I mean, recruit good adults into your life that have values and lifestyles that you admire or have qualities that can help you compensate and grow..teachers, counselors and mentors.<br>
My freshman S dropped a course this semester by the way. He also had spectacular scores and grades in HS> First time ever he hit a wall and lost his focus. He is processing this and has learned from it and is thinking over the summer about why he had to drop out and how to go after things differently next year. His confidence was shaken but he will work it through and it is not possible frankly but for a few students to continue on as the top grade-getters at his university. Some kids are suddenly bell curved to a spot on the graph that they have never seen before. Can be unsettling!!<br>
Hang in there and give yourself some latitude. If your parents can't really rally behind you at this moment, be the parent to yourself that you would want to have and find a counselor to fill that role for a while.</p>

20

<p>I echo the responses of everyone else. Please see a counselor who will help you identify and treat whatever problem you may have. My son had a very rocky start to his fresh. year this year. He, like you, was very successful in high school and then went to a school where the work was definately stepped up a few notches. He went to counseling at the school where they did diagnose him with ADD and situational depression. After treating the ADD and getting him stabilized on a med, the year turned around, and many other things unrelated specifically to ADD were looked at in a much better light too.
The counseling made such a tremendous impact that I credit the counselor for my son's eventual success with his first year.</p>

<p>On the other hand, a student in one of his classes was having similar problems. He refused to go to counseling as he felt he didn't need that stuff--and has ended up on academic probation.</p>

<p>It will get better! Look for support professionally and use your other support systems like your friends and us CCers :).</p>