I don't know who to talk to about this. Depressed about college.

College Confidential Community
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I think I might be having an existential crisis before I’m entering college. I don’t know who to talk to, and this has probably happened to someone before, so I just want some guidance. To get straight to the point, I screwed up in high school, and I hate the university I’m going to. Im not some person who thinks could’ve done better, but rather I knew I could have.

Throughout middle school and my underclassmen years of high school, I didn’t focus at all at school, and was more focused on goofing around, partying with friends, and basically trying to have fun. My grades were not bad, but I did end up with around a 3.1 out of a 4.3 by the beginning of junior year. My junior year I realized this and worked hard to desperately improve my grades. I ended up taking multiple APs and getting all A’s. Senior year I also tried desperately to raise my GPA and took 6 college level courses (wholesome courses, not just any AP to boost my GPA). I ended getting A’s in all of them too, and even scored a 1510 on the new SAT. For many here, I know that isn’t that high of a score, but it means a lot to me knowing how capable I truly could be. Even the counselor was surprised to see that I wasn’t the student she thought I was.

My GPA was still low (around 3.6 out of 4.3) and my parents are slightly poor, so I applied to schools in my state, including the flagship schools in my state. To me every school i applied to seemed like a reach because of my GPA, but I prayed constantly that my sat or my essay would change their minds and see that I wanted to change myself, that I wasn’t the moron I was back freshman year. Unfortunately I was waitlisted for all the schools I applied to except one school that is known around my state, or at least the area where I live, as a mediocre school, or one of those schools that people go to if they were rejected by X school.

I tried over these past few months to feel better about my choices but it wasn’t enough. Just recently I went to orientation, and found that I hated the school because of my choices. During orientation, we were divided into small groups of 15 to 20 people, with each group having a leader who was also a student at the university. She was nice and a chill person, but when we got around to talking on a personal level with each other as a group and venting about college she was talking about something similar to my situation, except that she was accepted into Georgetown but couldn’t go because she had no money, and as much spirit as she had for the current university she’s going to, I could see it in her face that she was still sad about that when she said it. It made me remember my problem, and has gotten me depressed since. I’ve cried about it, and I just don’t know what to do. It makes me sad and depressed knowing that I could have been going to a great school but because of my stupid choices I can’t. It makes me sad and depressed that with my sat score and senior year grades I could have done the same throughout all of high school and had gone to a college that reflects my potential. It also makes me sad and depressed for people like her were also bound to go to great universities but money kept her from chasing her dream. She said it was her dream to go to Georgetown, and it just made me sad for her that money stopped her dream, and also made me sad for the millions of other people who were in her same situation. It’s unfair for her. Money shouldn’t stop you. I’m not saying she failed at life, because from what I’ve seen she has been working hard her three years of college and has strived. It just makes me sad that she had a dream and it was crushed because of money.

My parents don’t understand my problem, and just tell me that as long as I work hard in college I can vindicate my mistakes, but it’s not about my grades. My problem is knowing that I wasted my potential and that I’m not getting another chance. I could be a perfect student at my university and be valedictorian, but it won’t change the fact that I couldn’t go to a university that was a reflection of who I was capable of being. Not only that but I was also interested in getting my masters degree and vindicating my mistakes by working hard and going to a prestigious or good school for my masters, but from the stories I’ve read It seems it’s pointless because it looks like graduate schools care a lot about the school you went to. Might just be me being ignorant, but I don’t know why they would take me over someone who went to a better school.

I don’t know what to do. I have a heavy burden on my shoulders, and I try my best to get over it, but the emotional pain I feel knowing I had something special and I wasted it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry that throughout my life many people believed in me, saw my potential, and thought that I was going to go to a great school and do great things, but I just ended up failing them, and ultimately making myself think I’m just a failure. Sorry if I sound petty or like I am exaggerating or like I have no self-esteem, or like in trying to say that going to a mediocre college destines you for failure. I’m not trying to say that I could have gone to Harvard, because I certainly couldn’t. I’m just trying to say that I could have done better with my past, my choices, and my life. I know that college doesn’t define you, but I cant get over it. This venting could just be me being pretentious and ignorant, but if someone who has gone through what I have would tell me that it would make me feel much better about my future. If someone can give me some guidance or help me out, I would be very thankful.

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When you make a statement like “I wasted all my potential” you make it sound terminal, like it’s all over. It’s not. If you’re going to a school that is not a top tier school, there’s more opportunities to stand out. Get a high GPA, get on the honor roll, get involved in the school leadership. Then, if you truly do have more potential than you indicated in high school, you can try to be an extremely competitive applicant for graduate programs one day.

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Does your community college system have a guaranteed transfer program to the school you wanted (or at least a good success rate in getting their students in there)? With the college credits you describe, you could probably finish a transfer degree in a year.

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Know what I think? Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Get over it. Your parents are right.
Most good students are not able to go to the university of their choice because of low admission rate or just plain lack of money. That’s not something to cry over–it’s just reality.
The best news? You’ve proved to yourself you can succeed! Go join those students at the university you’ve been admitted to and excel.

1 Like
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I had the same thought as @AroundHere. Perhaps you could go to community college and then transfer to a school that you think suits you better. Here in California, there are transfer agreements between community colleges and some really great UC and CSU schools. Does your state have something like that?

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I was kind of in your boat, low grades but I “tested” into UC Davis way back in the day. I was miserable there as pre-med and my mother had serious health issues at the time. I ended up a couple years into it and decided to transfer INTO a mediocre school, CSU Sacramento. However, I did really well at Sac State as my true love pre-law, did ok on the LSAT, got into a decent law school and am now successful with 2 boys who are going to be applying to college over the next couple years. So, what I’m saying is it’s not all about where you go, it’s about what you do when you get there. It can totally work out for you.

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Why not?

You are 18 and you now believe that your whole life is “over” because it was defined by not getting into your school?

I think it’s sad that you have an extreme version of life and are allowing yourself to wallow in self-pity.

All universities basically provide the same thing:
4 years of education,
4 years of living with or around young people,
4 years of learning how to really learn, study, and ask questions,
4 years of listening and interacting with professors,
4 years of time-management skills and budgeting and,
1 diploma.

About college, I told my kids: “it don’t matter where you go, as long as you go”
The reason I said that to them was because I grew up in a very poor family; my Dad was a vet, but had a limited education, so he had very limited job opportunities.

My elder siblings had to go to work immediately during and after high school to help provide for my family; my elder sister is amazingly bright and gifted, she got full rides to many great schools.

Did she want to go to college? Yes.

Could she go? No. She didn’t feel right “abandoning” the family.

Does she have any regrets? None that I know about. She moved on.

So, while you are crying about not getting into your school, think about all of those kids who don’t have that choice. I know of two of my nephew’s friends who were told at their high school graduation that they were adults and to go get jobs. Kevin’s parent left and moved to Vegas. He moved in with my nephew (my sister’s house). The other kid had reluctantly joined the Navy before he was aware that my sister would take him in.

YOU have a choice. You have a supportive family.
Decide to go to your school FULLY with a good attitude!

That means you go without ANY qualms or crying.
You enter with 100% fervor to get that degree.
It don’t matter where you go, as long as you go!

Or, continue to wallow in your self-pity and go find a job or join the service.

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Remember, college is for four years, the rest of your life is hopefully a whole lot longer. You should focus not on which college you want to get into, but what are you planning to do afterwards. You may go to Harvard and still hate your job ten years later because you never really figured out what excites you. So if something does excite you, make the most of the opportunities you have to become better at it, or if not, spend time to find your passion. Graduate schools absolutely do accept students from not-so-prestigious schools if the students distinguish themselves.

Also, not-so-great schools may certainly have some very good professors and accomplished researchers. You can do independent study with them or help with research. Look for the opportunities and you can find them in unexpected places.

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Here’s the way I look at it…and it’s blunt…but i completely get these regrets…I honestly do…there were likely moments where you screwed up & some small efforts might have turned it around. But that didn’t happen and now it’s summer 2017 and you are going to the school that you never imagined attending.

So…here’s all you can tell yourself. You have a 2nd chance here…a fresh start…and a chance to rewrite your story going forward. Don’t be that 17-year-old who never got past the mistakes he made as a 17-year-old…be the 18-year-old who picks himself up, feels a bit of anger still at himself (use that anger), and went onto a great life. You’re bright and articulate. You’ve got this.

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I’ve typed 3 different responses, and changed them all. Let me try to get it right this time.

I’m really trying not to sound unkind, and I suspect that I’m failing. For that I apologize.

You seem to be looking for sympathy because your choice to party has limited your choices.

I don’t think you have any idea how badly that reads.

So here goes, in no particular order:

  1. You mention the “Heavy burden” on your shoulders.
    I’ve taught any number of kids whose choices were similarly limited, but for reasons out of their control. A kid a few years ago went home every day to take care of his alcoholic dad. As a result, he was unable to go away to school. I taught a kid this year who was home tutored almost all year because he was fighting lupus. He, too, will be attending school locally. I taught another this year who is taking a “gap year”-- but she’s not fooling anyone, she’s not going to go to college. The day she turned 18, dad decided she was on her own financially. She slept through my class a lot this year; she was working as many shifts as she could get at the supermarket, trying to save money for a car so she could get a better paying job.
    I think you could use a good dose of perspective.
  1. How sad that you seem to think your life is in shambles because you're going to a state college. And how incredibly insulting to everyone who works at that school, or has gotten a diploma from that school. Exactly how did you make the decision that this school is unworthy of you? You haven't attended a single class yet-- on what basis did you make this decision? You deserve the happiness you can get at this school if you can just get over the idea that it's unworthy of you.
  2. Your "dream"-- as of this year-- is to attend a top school? And that's it? That's the dream? Not to change the world, not to do great things, not to be a person who makes a difference, simply to attend a top school? I think you need to re-examine your bucket list.
  3. I feel badly for your parents. This is an issue they're unable to fix for you. As parents, we want the best for our kids, and your unhappiness has undoubtedly caused them some sleepless nights. They're absolutely aware that you're "slightly poor" and can't afford a $60,000 a year school. And it hurts them to know that they're been unable to get you something you want this badly.
  4. I think the orientation people at your school should know about that group leader. This is her job-- she's getting paid to help kids transition to her school. It doesn't sound as though she's earning her money.

Again, you can find friends and success at this school if you choose to do so. You regret the choices you’ve made in the past… don’t make your negativity another choice to regret down the road.

It’s mid July. Your deposit went in by May 1. I think it’s time to stop the pity party, cut your losses, and move on with life.

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You have been sad about this, and venting your feelings in this anonymous forum is a healthy step towards feeling better. I would suggest a trick sometimes used to get over a bad break up- have one last pity party consisting of a tub of ice cream and and a movie in your pjs, (or equivalent for you) and then that’s it- move on to your new life with no more thoughts about what could have been.
Item 2: Don’t feel like you have to make excuses about your school. If someone asks you about your choice, just have a set answer ready ( I’ll be studying x, or I’m looking forward to y) and then just change the subject or walk away. Don’t engage in these conversations at school either. If someone starts to tell you about how they should have been at Harvard, just change the subject. (Hey, do you want to go check out the gym with me?, Let’s go see band x tonight, Etc.)
Lots of students have doubts worries and regrets before school starts. You will be challenged by your classes when school begins, and hopefully enjoy your new environment enough that you won’t feel the need to transfer.

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I had to turn down Boston College - and my dream of living away at school - due to financial reasons. I went to a small school hardly anyone has heard of. I lived at home. Starting junior year, I got up every morning at 5 am to go into work doing computer backups before heading off to classes. Not at all what I envisioned - but at least I was going to college. I worked hard, made the best of it, and have had a very fulfilling career. I am now a Director in a high tech company.

Best of all I met my husband of 28 years at college. He was in a similar situation - living at home, working off campus. He then went on to Duke for a fully funded PhD. We’ve been able to give our kids that opportunity we didn’t have to live away at the college of their choice. They’ve made the best of the opportunity we’ve provided them and I couldn’t be more proud.

Do I wish I could have gone to BC? Sure. Do I think my life would have been different - of course it would. I would have met different people, had different experiences. The question is - would it have been better? I’ll never know, since I can’t do a controlled double-blind study on myself, but I’m pretty darn happy with the way things have turned out.

Work hard, seek out opportunity, and look for professors who can be mentors to you. They will be able to help you if your goal remains to go to a top graduate program.

When I hear so many kids thinking their life is going to be ruined by not going to X school it makes me sad. I like to joke that my dream is to be a Brazilian supermodel married to a top quarterback - that isn’t going to happen either! A lot of success is about making the best of what is in front of you while constantly seeking out your next challenge.

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SecretAccount, If you feel like you might need to see somebody to get help for your depression, go ahead and talk to a therapist now. It would be much better to go into your freshman year having had a few therapy sessions than to let your depression linger, if your gut tells you that this is more than just a passing phase.

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Here’s another similar response. People land at different colleges for many reasons. Some like you did not give HS their full effort, others to get merit aid or to commute in order to make college affordable, some because it was the best school they could get into etc. Why you chose the school doesn’t matter at this point. It was your best option.

Where I disagree with you is in your saying that you can’t “vindicate your mistakes” in college. You can. If you work hard and do well then the sky is the limit. It may feel where you attend college is the only important thing right now, but the truth is that your life will not be judged on where you attend undergrad. Your undergrad college will be but one small piece of the puzzle that makes up your credentials. How well you do there will be another piece. If you do well there you can go on to do all sorts of things – attend a great grad school, get a job thrive in the working world (trust me once you start working people care more about your work accomplishments then your undergrad college) etc. and most important you can have a happy and successful life.

Keep in mind that there are a ton of people who would give almost anything for the opportunity to attend any 4 year college in the US. So I’d recommend that you get over yourself an make the most of your opportunity. If you are still depressed about it in the fall, see a therapist when you arrive at college.

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@SecretAccount Either you didn’t mention the school that you are going to, or I missed it. In any case there are a lot of very good universities in the US, and students often look down on schools that are not as well ranked even though adults (including hiring managers and graduate school admissions) understand that the “lesser schools” still have some very strong students who learn a lot in university and have a lot of potential.

You might have messed up two years of high school. However, you definitely have NOT messed up your life. There will be a LOT of opportunities going forward. You need to be ready to take advantage of them.

One possible plan is to work hard where you are at university, and do very well. This will give you a degree, a strong GPA, and strong references. Depending upon your major this could get you into a good job or into a good graduate school. Another possible plan is to work hard at your current university and transfer to a stronger university.

When I was a graduate student at a very highly ranked university there were other students there who had gone to a very wide range of universities for undergrad, including some who were the top in their class at a rather mediocre school. Do very well where you are and you will have many opportunities going forward.

I have seem multiple cases of talented students who goofed off (in many cases far worse than you) for between one and five years of high school, then at some point turned their life around and became very strong students. Many of them ended up getting at least graduate degrees from very strong universities and doing well in life. Goofing off for two years of high school means that you have dug yourself a bit of a hole that you need to climb out of. It will take a lot of work for a while for you to get where you want to go. However, you clearly CAN do it.

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I understand you…and I think that some of the above posters are being a bit tough with you. I’m sorry this happened. The best you can do now is to keep pushing. See if you can transfer after two years to a better college. This is where you are going to have to start, but hopefully, not where you will end up.

Good luck…it’ll get better.

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OP, it is a very healthy step for you to share your feelings. I am sorry to hear that you feel conflicted – but on another note, it sounds like this is a definite step toward maturity (which is even more important in life than the school you attend). If you feel overwhelmed by depression, definitely seek help…but it sounds like an experience of disappointment. And on a positive note, of introspection, which is an amazing gift to develop.

You have a college to go to this fall. If you had done things differently, yes, you might be going somewhere else…I did not say somewhere “better” because a) you don’t know that! you might have ended up like the tour guide who couldn’t afford her dream school; b) the reality is you got accepted there – apparently you can afford it – and there must have been enough there to make you apply; 3) it’s a done deal. In your situation I think it is advisable to stick with the choice. And: make the most of it!

If you truly have that potential you feel you are capable of, you are going to be given the opportunity to prove it. You are at the top of the class? No excuses – dean’s list, awards and honors. Seek out faculty and get into projects. Show your desire for mentoring, and enlist faculty to help you figure out your future career. Lead clubs and organizations. Realize that you are being given a tremendous chance to create your future. When you do apply to grad schools your profs will remember you. You are coming in at the top of the class…make sure to graduate at the top. As for prestige of grad schools, hopefully as a result of this experience, you will not focus as much on random rankings as on how good the program is int he field to which you hope to contribute.

Thanks again for sharing.

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Don’t get sad. Get mad at yourself. And kick ass. You learned. Now, go apply what you learned. Life is not over. It’s like getting sad you lost money in stock investing because you didn’t study about the company or market. Learn and do better. I know one kid who goofed around in HS, went to a low ranked UC and kicked ass by getting 3.9 and transferred to UC Berkeley. He’s more confident than ever because of his experience. You got this.

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I’m glad that you posted here, so you can see a range of responses and hopefully not take it too personally. I hear you saying 2 things: 1 - you are afraid you screwed up your life (and you wanted feedback from people to let you know you didn’t), and 2- you don’t like your choices now (and wanted to vent about it).

About being afraid, don’t be.

(a) Whoever told you that going to a less prestigious university is going to hurt your chances for a good grad school is dead wrong. Many, many students choose to forego their reach schools and instead go to financial safeties if they plan on going to grad school. Grad schools know this, and know that the name of the undergrad school is not indicative of the ability of the student. The question always is, what did the student do with his/her education once at college? If you question the accuracy of this comment, go to the various threads on CC about pre-med. You’ll see the overwhelming advice is to go to the cheaper school and graduate at the top of your class and be a superstar there. You can also go to various grad school’s web sites and look to see where their admitted class comes from. You will see that there are a lot of lesser known schools represented there. From my personal experience, I went to a lesser state school, did well, and went to a top 10 grad school.

(b) If you don’t go to grad school…I think colleges have become a business, and in order to get people to buy the exhorbitantly priced product, they have been engaging in a marketing campaign that has led people (especially HS students) to believe that they have to pay this crazy price to go to the best school possible, because if they don’t, their futures will be limited. This is not true, except if you want to work for one of a very few companies in investment banking. Even for those companies, you can usually get into them if you work someplace else first and develop something that they need (either an unusual skill or potential clients). What will be true is that you might not have as many high end companies coming onto campus to recruit, which means that you will have to search out more opportunities on your own, and you will have to be more pro-active about internships and the like.

© Financial success comes in many forms. Grit, hardwork and determination goes further than a fancy college name.
You might not have enough people in your social circle to give you a good view, but when you go wider and look around, there are people in all walks of life that are financially successful who didn’t go to a top tier college, and there are plenty of people who went to a top tier college that aren’t financially successful. I’ve noticed that in many companies, the top workers did NOT go to fancy schools, but instead went to their state school. At my 20 year grad school reunion, we talked about whether it was better to go to a big national grad school or the state school, and many thought that the state school would have served just as well because there were more opportunities for career development through networking at the state level. Also, if you look around, many financially successful people are small business owners, rather people who work for others. For them, it doesn’t matter where they went to school. Also, I know several people who never went to college at all, and are tremendously financially successful. Their common denominator is they are all hard workers who possess a great drive and determination.

2 - venting about things/feeling sad

I know you heard an earful from some people here. I think it’s good that you vent AS LONG AS it helps you to move on. You might think that @bjkmom was harsh, but she is just pointing out how hard life is for some people, and that you need to change your perspective to realize how lucky you are. And honestly, you are very lucky. Your parents might not have a ton of money, but you have a safe roof over your head and you have supportive parents and you don’t have any major illnesses. Another thing that financially successful people almost always have in common: gratitude. And BTW, much of life success revolves around connections with other people. People WANT to help people who are thankful and upbeat. If you can change your attitude to realize how lucky you are to go to college at all, and that you have this great opportunity before you that you can use to get as much knowledge as possible and mine any connections, you will go much farther in life.

3 - congratulations

On another note, you aren’t thinking of something very important, which is that you should congratulate yourself for your success in your last 2 years of HS. You think it hasn’t helped you. That’s because you aren’t thinking about it the right way. It has helped you. It has proven to you that you CAN do it. Next year you have a clean slate. Take this knowledge that you CAN do it, and apply it to your new situation. You can go far.