I don't like my boarding school- need advice

Prep School Admissions
1

<p>I have given it a month, and although I do love certain aspects of my school, I just feel like this is not the place for me. My parents weren't really on board with me applying to boarding schools when I was going through the application process, so I sort of just wanted to get in to a school, any school. I go to one of the HADES schools, but I think that I didn't really choose to come here based on fit, I came here just because of the school's name and prestige, and because my parents wanted me to.</p>

<p>I'm the one stuck here though. I think I'd be a better fit at Exeter.
Has anyone had any experience with something like this, or had any friends with experience with this? I feel like it'd be weird asking my teachers here for recommendations for another school, yet at the same time that they might be understanding if I genuinely don't feel I belong here.</p>

<p>Thank you!</p>

2

<p>Yes, I have had friends who have had regrets about coming to BS. I think that we probably all feel that at some time. I think you should give it more time. Being new is tough! I was new last year, and I would say that overall I am having a much better time this year because I’m more used to it, but the experience has been rewarding anyway. Also, if you already go to a HADES, transferring to Exeter won’t necessarily be any different. (Although a lot of Exeter kids spew out the occasional “I wish I had gone to Andover instead”!) And, the only thing you can do is apply to Exeter this year and hope to get accepted for the next year. (I don’t know if kids from other top-tier boarding schools ever transfer to PEA. I’d say the chances are pretty low.) Or you could go to a public school or prep school with more liberal admissions. Given those choices, I’d say it’s best to give your current school some more time. Besides, you’re lucky to have gotten in there and it’s a great privilege to go there, so you might as well take advantage of it.</p>

3

<p>Xolaxxo - </p>

<p>To be accepted at another school, you need to do your best at this school - both in class and out. Get involved in activities that interest you and give your school the best shot you can.</p>

<p>If, in December, your grades are good and you’ve made a positive contribution to the school, then it’s time to ask for recommendations. Explain to your teachers why you think Exeter would be a better fit for you and ask for their support. Write the application over Christmas break.</p>

<p>If you rush to do it now, you’re just going to look like a quitter. Be the best student you can be until December, then start the application process if you’re still not happy.</p>

4

<p>dodgersmom’s advice is good. Asking for recommendations is always terribly awkward, and even moreso in your situation, but if you really do not like your school then it is a small price to pay. The biggest mistake you can make is to try to tough it out in a situation that is making you miserable, where you know that there are serious, structural reasons for your unhappiness; I speak from personal experience here.</p>

5

<p>Dodgersmom’s advice is good. Beware of the “The Grass is Always Greener” syndrome, too.</p>

<p>If you “love certain aspects” of your school, I think you should give it more time to settle in. As Dodgersmom pointed out, December’s the time to ask for recommendations. So concentrate on setting yourself up well for any course of action–whether to stay at your current school, or try to transfer.</p>

<p>First, as a mother, I’d like to ask a few basic questions. </p>

<p>Are you sleeping? Do you get enough sleep?<br>
Are you eating? Have you eaten both healthy meals and fun snacks in the last month?
Do you and your roommate get along?</p>

<p>If you are unable to sleep, or if you and your roommate are having trouble seeing eye-to-eye, you can ask for help. Your advisor, your dorm supervisor, the upperclassmen assigned dorm duty–they’re all set up to help you transition to boarding school. If you seem to be doing well, they might assume you’re okay. It’s a good skill to learn–asking for help.</p>

<p>Have you joined any clubs?<br>
Have you made friends?
Have you been able to get off campus in the last month?</p>

<p>Sometimes it takes a little time to find your niche. That niche changes as you grow up. If you think Exeter would be a fit, have you checked out the math club at your school? The chess, debating, robotics clubs? The newspaper? Or, in the spirit of reminding yourself there’s a big world out there, the outing club? </p>

<p>If you aren’t ecstatically happy with your current clubs, try checking out a few other clubs. Just to see what’s there. Your first year of high school is the ideal time to find new interests. You might also meet new friends.</p>

<p>**Have you spoken with your parents about your concerns?
Have you seen them, or spoken to them on the phone? **
I guarantee you they have your best interests at heart. Let them help you.</p>

6

<p>Periwinkle’s questions made me think of one more . . . what is it about Exeter that’s missing at your school? If you can answer that without naming your current school, we might be able to give you some more suggestions on how to improve things, at least temporarily.</p>

7

<p>Feeling lost. Scared. On the sidelines. Wicked homesick. Worried what other kids might be thinking of you. These are the (totally normal) emotions that make you want to hear only one thing: “sure, come home” or “yes, transfer to xyz to feel relief.” </p>

<p>Fortunately, it doesn’t usually work that way. I say “fortunately” because fighting through these unsettling feelings, these fears and misgivings are the very battles that will make you a way cooler, self-confident human being, a way stronger, better, tougher you - battle hardened. There is a percentage of kids who sail through boarding school with nary a scratch. But most, >80%, have different levels of “oh my God, this is horrible, what I have done, please make it stop!!” Those feelings go away with every passing month and every passing year. I can guarantee that when you’re a senior you’ll look back and hardly recognize yourself.</p>

<p>For the time being, focus on a few simple things: stay on top of your schoolwork (use free periods wisely), put yourself out there a little bit socially (doesn’t have to be a lot to start) - something as simple as joining a club that interests you, and work hard on letting a smile come easily. A smile says “welcome,” I’m open for friendship. You may not feel it or think it, but every day you’re getting better and stronger.</p>

8

<p>Periwinke, dodgersmom, musisat & rebelangel seem to have this covered but I’m going to chime in from an old school perspective, kind of stiff upper lip approach so don’t take it personally. All of which others have said is good but as for having gotten off campus in the last month, I say, you just got on campus. If it is an incident that has turned your world allegedly upside down, you said or did something which made everyone roll their eyes, then they’ll get over it. You have four years of growing up together and you and they will all learn that nobody is perfect and that we all say and do things we wish we didn’t, even when we get older. I could be doing it now. I ask that you please try not to dwell on your worries. The glass is half full, your 15 or about, believe me, life is good. The school thinks you belong there otherwise they would not have accepted you. You did it and should be proud and you can get over this period of questioning your decision to attend. Your not stuck there, you just looking at it from the wrong perspective. You are at a special place that thousands want to be every year. Please do check in to vent, we all want you to succeed.</p>

9

<p>The HADES schools have layers upon layers of opportunities in math and science that may not be obvious to a new 9th grader in intro classes. </p>

<p>We interviewed at each of them last year, and spent a lot of time individually talking to the chairs of the math and science Departments at each school, since that was my Ds passion. There were extraordinary opportunities in math and science available at EVERY HADES school. Truly extraordinary. </p>

<p>Since you suggest Exeter may be a better fit, I suspect academic challenge and rigor may be what you are seeking, and that your interest is math and science. </p>

<p>Please be aware that your school may be trying to ease everyone in to the academic scene. Many of your peers coming from diverse backgrounds have never had to study, and your school does not want to blow new students out of the water like baby ducks. </p>

<p>Try to stretch outside the “new prep” bubble. Go talk to the chair of the department(s) you think you may want to pursue work in. Yes, really. Make an appointment. They will see you. Ask about independent research opportunities (which will be necessarily down the road). Tell them you are looking for more academic challenge. Hear what they have to offer you. </p>

<p>Talk to your adviser. Lay it all out and get it off your chest. Hear what they have to say. </p>

<p>Try to find clubs with like minded souls. HADES schools have diverse students: if you are not a “laxbro” but a “geek” you will find other “geeks” - of course “geek” here is meant in the best possible way. I strongly suspect you will find other new students who are going through the same doubts that you are. You really only need to find a few like-minded people, and you can support one another as you take on these challenges.</p>

<p>Come back and tell us how it is going in the spring. In the meantime if you have another option lined up, you may end up not needing it.</p>

10

<p>OP mentioned in another post that he/she didn’t feel the fit with “the people” at the current school and was disappointed at the sort of/lack of diversity the school claims to have. In this case, I am not sure if Exeter is the answer, depnding on what kind of diversity OP is looking for. In general, I think you should give yourself some time and be patient and active. It takes some time for you to find the group of people you feel comfortable with. Don’t change school because likely next fall you may find yourself abandoning your friends at your current school and get into a new school where you don’t know anyone again.</p>

11

<p>Xolaxxo- oh dear, I hope that you didn’t choose this school based on the HADES acronym that was invented by some young students on this board a couple of years ago…it has no relevance to the real world of boarding schools. When you say that your current school is not diverse enough, do you mean that you feel that you have a different racial or religious identity than most of the other students? In that case, I would quickly search out whichever adult on your campus is in charge of assimilating different groups. If you feel that the coursework is not rigorous enough, a previous poster gave you good advice- it is bound to get more difficult as the term goes on. In any case, do your best to get involved with both your courses and activities so that if transferring schools becomes an option, you are in a good position. Please keep us posted!</p>

12

<p>I’d recommend start talking…like others have suggested on this board. Start first with your advisor. Chances are you are not alone. Lots of kids are having second thoughts right about now.</p>

<p>Next, let your parents know what you’re thinking. Lots of people want to help. If you start sharing, your burden won’t feel so heavy.</p>

<p>Lastly, dig down deep and really try to figure out what you want and follow your heart. If you’re at all thinking of another school, at least make the call and schedule the interview before it’s too late. Recs can get asked for in December, but you need to book an interview now.</p>

<p>Just remember, the school doesn’t make the student. You will be successful no matter where you go to high school if you are willing to work hard and develop your interests.</p>

13

<p>Many kids I work with express the same sentiments about their BS during their first few months (including my D). It’s a factor of adjusting to a different diversity, economics, classes, cultural mix. </p>

<p>It’s normal. It’s part of the adjustment period. It might get better if you open yourself to the experience. Don’t look for what is not there, look for what IS there. Chances are there are aspects to the campus that will surprise you as you spend more time there.</p>

<p>If you’re at a HADES you’re likely not to find a panacea by switching to Exeter. It has it’s own vibe, but also it’s own stresses and issues. And you’d be the new kid once again.</p>

<p>The grass is not always greener on the other side. In the end - many of the kids are going to be very similar to what you’ve left behind. Only at Exeter - add “Graduate School” type academics and pressure to the mix.</p>

14

<p>Wow, a lot of good advice here, so I’ll keep it short. I second everything musisat said; just give it some more time. In the next month, try to be active and make some close friends. I think the school will grow on you.</p>

15

<p>Thank you so much for all of your guy’s advice! I am going to follow your advice of giving it my all the next few months and seeing how I feel in December. I feel the academics and sports are challenging, but that the social scene isn’t what I’m looking for. My parents don’t know I feel this way yet I was planning on talking about it over thanksgiving break. It’s hard talking on the phone about it when I constantly could be overheard. Im not homesick exactly … I mean I naturally am a bit but that is not the reason I am disliking the school. I want to be in an environment where I don’t feel alone and like an outsider. I’m a social person, I’m nor one to stay in my room all day and study. I’m studious but not antisocial, it’s just girls here are not welcoming. I obviously don’t mean all the girls, I have met some nice ones but for the most part they aren’t. I find it hard to explain, but o have a friend at another boarding school, non HADES , and she absolutely loves it. She is a new student this year also and the kids in her fb pictures all look normal and nice; at my school however the girls look like stepford wives; all very similar hair/faces. There’s definately a ‘stereotypical’ look that most people fit. I don’t want to have “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome though; that’s what got me in this situation in the first place, leaving my old school to cone here. I am not saying that another school would be drastically different, but I know for certain a few aspects would be. I’m really unsure of what to do so I’m going to do as you guys think I should and immerse myself in the school. I’ve joined several clubs, smile and say hi to people, am on a varsity sport here, and trying hard in class. That’s all I can do I guess, and just hope it gets better. Im trying to be optimistic but it’s hard when I feel really alone here.</p>

16

<p>The friend groups go through a lot of sorting out the first few months. You are not alone in feeling like an outsider much of the time, probably most other newbies feel the same way, even (and maybe especially) the mean ones. The key is to find a few good friends, but it can take some time to figure out who they are. My DDs were never what you would consider the mainstream type at their BS, and they struggled with the social scene at first. But in the end they found their niche and are incredibly close with their BS friends. Both thought about giving up at times during their first year, both are now very, very glad they stayed. Social turbulence gets less and less as the years go on. By senior year the social pecking order is totally not an issue, and the mean girls get a lot less influential. If you are playing varsity you probably know some uperclassmen, look there for guidance and friendship. Meanwhile, focus on academics and activities and keep the faith.</p>

17

<p>I second 1012 mom’s sage advice.</p>

<p>Look for students who are also looking for friends. I agree that upperclassmen are more likely to have outgrown middle-school mean-girl behavior. Clubs, sports, and service activities are great ways to broaden your social circle. In many high schools, the drama department’s a great place to meet people who don’t conform. With humor. If the girls’ behavior particulary bothers you, you could perhaps seek advice from a female teacher, your advisor (if female), or a faculty member you get to know through extracurriculars. (I say female because I think most women know the ways girls can intimidate each other.) </p>

<p>Starting a new school can be intimidating, and as hard as it may be to believe, many of the students who seem most at ease can be miserable and uncertain inside. Plus, you’re in New England, and (as a Yankee myself), public display of feelings can be difficult. (There are many jokes about this. It’s rather odd, considering that the Protestant establishment descended from religious fanatics.) Ahem. At any rate, hiding one’s feelings comes naturally to many. When they (we) feel threatened, we retreat to chilly politeness. As you all get to know each other better, things will improve.</p>

18

<p>xolaxxo - any young person who is able to write such a thoughtful, mature post like you will do great. I admire your evenhanded way of thinking through your worries.</p>

<p>One of the worst parts about being an early-mid teenager is the way you think about time. A year away, especially when you’re feeling down and out as a new boarder in a strange place (with stepford wives running all around), well, it can seem like forever. To old farts like us, a year is the briefest snippet of time, a flash, which is why we are advocating patience and to hang in there a bit. Based on our own experiences, we can say, not with 100% certainty, but close, that before you know it, you’ll start finding your way, finding your own posse of friends, feeling that good, happy feeling (I’ve never used so many commas in one sentence). But be sure that when you do get to a “better” place and you see new girls on campus who might be sitting back a bit, you remember how alone you felt and reach out to them no matter what! It makes such a big difference.</p>

19

<p>You need to give it some more time. A month really isn’t enough to judge a school. You could reapply, but you should really give it at least a year to really see how well you fit in at a school.</p>

20

<p>This was my weekend on dorm duty, and last night I was sitting around with a bunch of students and in the course of conversation, the topic of fitting in and feeling comfortable at school came up (since I’m new, they were quizzing me on how I like it here). Most of these kids were not the kids our viewbook would profile as being the typical student here. Most of them admitted that they didn’t find their closest friends until the middle of spring semester freshman year or early in sophomore year. This is a very typical pattern I’ve seen time and time again in my teaching career. The kids who keep involved and keep putting themselves out there always find their crowd. The ones who focus on being miserable, don’t.</p>

<p>It’s hard for anyone who feels outside of the norm, but it’s even harder when you are away from home. It takes a long time for kids to feel comfortable enough with their new surroundings to start really being themselves. Until that time, many just create a mask that looks as much like everyone else as possible.</p>

<p>And I know these boards make Andover and Exeter seem like perfect utopias where everyone is perfect and unicorns run through the dining hall, but they too have their weaknesses. Life there is hard too, because growing up is hard on everyone, no matter where you are. If you transfer, you can leave everything behind–except yourself. You say there are things you love about your school. start there, and good luck.</p>