I am a freshman at a small, liberal arts school and have been here for about a month and a half. I have a friend group consisting of my roommate and a couple other girls. Honestly, I kind of put the friend group together because I introduced them all to each other. So it is not that they exclude me or anything. But all I can think about is how they don't hold a candle to my friends from home. I know how bratty that sounds, and nothing is wrong with these girls (they are all good people). I just don't "connect" with any of them on a deep level. I also understand that making close friends takes time, But it is frustrating and makes me feel lonely a lot because I come from a small town where I had incredibly close friends that I would do anything for and who would do anything for me. I miss that so much. I cry a few times every week.
I keep putting myself out there to meet more people that I might get close with-- talking to people in classes, inviting acquaintances to hang out, etc. Some of these seem promising but they are all slow going. I go to the counseling office weekly and the counselor says she has been seeing a lot of people dealing with the exact same issue as me (loneliness due to lack of close friends). She also says that I am "doing everything right" and that "friendships will happen when I don't even expect it". Basically, she wants me to stop worrying. Easier said than done!
She did say that she is thinking about getting me and some of these other freshmen to meet as a support group. I would like that because I could emphasize with the others and it'd be nice to have other students to talk to who feel like I do. But is that pathetic?
I have made myself not go home so far but am spending next weekend with my parents. I thought forcing myself to be on campus + to go to events here would help...it hasn't.
I know that none of you can physically help me, but I don't know what to do. I worry about this constantly, so much that it impacts my schoolwork. I feel pathetic and like I'm being a bad friend to the girls that I do hang out with on top of everything. Has anyone dealt with something similar and do you have advice?
I think its great that you have stuck it out and not gone home. I also think its great that you are going home. You just might find that home has moved on in terms of your friends and social life you had in high school. As they say, you can’t go back and nothing stays the same. It is great you are seeking counseling and normal to feel the way you do. Its normal to cry during the first semester of college for the reasons you describe. Friendships take time and experiences together to grow and blossom. Please do not take the wrong way but this is all part of maturing. You will grow up at college and this is all part of it. Four years from now you will probably look back with a very different perspective than the one you have now. In the mean time keep doing what you are doing, relax and enjoy the experience.
Do the support group! You may find people open up in that environment in a way that really allows deeper connections to form. It is smart, not pathetic! And kudos to you for marching forward when it hasn’t been easy. You should give yourself a hug for that.
Your counselor is correct, you are doing everything right. Do you really believe you are going to connect on a “deep” level with people in just one month? Reread that sentence and see how unrealistic that sounds. Reallly deep relationships take months and even years to develop. And in order to grow in long lasting meaningful relationships both members have to be able to adjust to the changes and ebb and flow that happens with to the members in the relationship.
You developed those friendships at home over a long period of time. And when you come from a small town you usually have the same friends throughout school and you know all the same people in the community. That’s a wonderful thing. You are grieving the loss, but you can also celebrate that you got to have that kind of upbringing and relationships. Not everyone has that.
Thanks for the responses. I just wish I could skip to the “super fun, best friends” part of college that so many people say will come.
@Empireapple okay, I hope so. It’s hard to relax, though…I have always overthought everything!
@gardenstategal thanks. I just hope that that pans out into something real and not awfully awkward.
@NorthernMom61 you are totally correct about my home. The thing is I was really excited to get to college and expand my horizons or whatever, but did not factor in how lonely it would be. I know I can never truly go back and that the people who really care about me won’t stop doing so but I miss it so much. Getting to a point where I can hold it together, at least.
Finallly, i got up to turn my roommates alarm off today (she forgot, I guess, that it’s a weekend?) and saw all these texts from her friends at home about me. Like I don’t want to snoop and I obviously can’t know what they’re really talking about but it freaks me out because what if she is putting on one face to me and another to everyone else regarding how she feels about me? I wouldn’t mind if she disliked me so long as we could live together comfortably except it’s not like I have a lot of other close friends here.
I just moved to a new city as an adult 10 months ago. I have made friends, but none yet with the depth of some of my friends from high school or from my former city. And I am okay with that. I keep spending time with the people I’ve met and trying new activities. I know friendships will grow with time spent together with people I like. But it takes time. Be patient.
And regarding the texts – ignore them. You shouldn’t have seen them.
You may get to a point when you happily coexist with your roommate(s) and be okay with that. My daughter is a sophomore and had a small group of friends last year that became friends due to proximity in the dorm. They did a lot together. A couple of them “defected” at one point during freshman year, a couple drifted to other people, and this year she is rooming in an apartment style dorm with three of them. But they are all busy and into their own studies and stuff, the girls all have boyfriends at the moment, so they mostly happily coexist.
Try to relax and just let it happen. It is hard to be patient, but in reality, you often meet the best friends in the most unexpected ways.
Agree with @Candymike here. Just avoid him if you wouldn’t like to hear.