I fear that I was only admitted to college because I'm black.

College Search & Selection
1

I was accepted to SCS at CMU and I’m really scared that I’ll be like miles behind my peers. I went to a pretty bad high school. It’s really hard not to get A’s here or at least B’s. I see people saying that they’re about to get rescinded for getting a D/C. We don’t have that here. It would be VERY hard to get a grade that terrible.

In my classes, I’m not very “brilliant”. And I know what “brilliant” is because I have friends who pick things up so easily and make such astounding connections. When I went on my admitted student trips, some of the kids around me were so very smart. In fact, I remember I shadowed a computer science class at CMU for algorithms or something and I had NO CLUE what was going on. I didn’t think it was possible too. It was towards the end of the semester and I figured it wasn’t a beginner CS class…? Meanwhile, the other admitted student next to me was asking questions about the topic and literally understood PERFECTLY what was going on. : (

School is not a breeze for me. I got 4s on pretty much all of my AP tests instead of 5s and I’m going to have to retake a lot of them in college. I got a 1510 on my SAT which is actually towards the way less end of most SCS folks according to their data sets… And I had to work my ass off all summer for it… I didn’t do any fancy math competitions… I’m pretty sure my HS’ grades are inflated which I’m honestly BEYOND angry about… My science fair awards were only given to me by some diversity outreach organization, not INTEL… I took some community college classes at the #1 community college in my state over summer to see how I fare compared to others and tbh, I had to work my ass off to get good grades in those classes too… : (

I feel like people are all thinking the same thing - that I only got into the schools I did because I’m black… And some people have even voiced this opinion to me, both online and face-to-face, both subtly and directly. I’m scared I’ll get laughed at or excluded for asking a ton of questions in class or for going to office hours a lot. I feel like if I fail a test or slack a little bit one semester, then everyone will think I’m just some token URM and exclude me from everything. One of my teachers in high school actually dropped out of a good school because he just couldn’t handle it and I’m VERY scared that will happen to me. I also feel as though I’ll have a hard time joining study groups on campus and be really lonely??? I haven’t seen any other black females on the admitted students facebook.

Overall, I’m very very worried. : ((((((

2

You are acting like a typical 18 year old facing an unknown challenge. It’s scary and you don’t know if you can handle it. You are fine, relax. If you couldn’t do the work you wouldn’t be admitted.

I’m going to send you a pm with more detailed info, but trust me, I know people successful at an Ivy league school who are not as smart as you. Will you be the smartest girl in the room? Probably not. But can you handle it and even get above average grades? Absolutely.

3

Hugs to you! I have followed your decision thread and I have been so very impressed with your maturity and insight.

I would like you to reread this bit you wrote yourself: because you felt your high school preparation was insufficient, you went to the number one CC in the state and worked your ass off to get good grades. You worked your ass off to get the stellar SATs you have.

But. You. Got. Them! As a high schooler who (you say, and I’ll just take your work for it) was initially poorly prepared.

Now you are a college student and you are again willing and able to work your ass off and you will catch up and get good grades. And the grades you get in SCS will be grades you know and every one else knows you have earned. Is it fair? No.

I am not a URM, so can’t speak to the racism you are experiencing but have been a very much underrepresented female in male dominated fields, so I know a little what its like to feel that you have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously (and sometimes you still wont be, because that is what sexists are like, and racists too).

Sometimes I have stuck it out. Sometimes I have decided this is not for me. But I have always given it a shot.

And make no mistake: it is racism to make you feel you don’t deserve your spot. Your preparation may have been worse than others’, but you earned your spot by showing how you could persevere and catch up and succeed and SCS believes you can do it again.

I am rooting for you.

4

Welcome to “Impostor Syndrome”. Get used to it, because it is going to be your companion for a long time. My wife did her PhD in CS at UIUC. As a graduate school it ranks #5 worldwide. When she finished her PhD at one of the absolutely best grad programs in the world (and grad programs are far more difficult to do than undergraduate programs), you know what she thought when she started her first faculty job? That she is a fraud, and that every mistake that she will make will “prove” that she does not belong there, etc.

The good thing: it is not real. Your brain is messing with you and lying to you. You ARE good enough. You WILL succeed.

Let me tell you a secret: no matter how confident they look, almost every single one of those other student at CMU is thinking “everybody is so smart, when will they realize that I’m a fake?”

A 4 is not a bad score for any AP. A score of 1510 on the SAT is at the 99th percentile. That means that you scored higher than 99% of all the kids who took the SAT at the same time. That is pretty good indication that you are brilliant, no?

My wife was a TA for an algorithm class for freshmen at UIUC, who are at the same level as the students at CMU, and most of them did not know what they were getting into either. In the first year of CS, nobody knows. Algorithms is a course that you need to take from the beginning. The concept of algorithm is pretty simple. All it is is a series of instructions, such as, “to take a giraffe out of refrigerator. you open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, and close the refrigerator”.

However, then you need to learn the vocabulary, and that is built from the first class. So of course you wouldn’t understand what was going on by the end of the course.

College will be extremely difficult, and you will have to work a lot. BUT there are many many resources for students. There are your TAs and Instructors, there are tutoring centers and writing centers, and there are peers. Not one of these will exclude you, nor are they permitted to do so. Shutting you out of discussions is not permitted, nor does anybody want to do so.

A second secret: CMU wants you to succeed. They will do anything they can to help you succeed. The will provide all the help you will need to succeed. They looked at your application, and they accepted you because they believe that you can succeed. They know what your school is like, they have read what prizes you got, they read the letters of recommendation describing who you are, and all of that convinced them that you can succeed. You may need help and support, but if they accepted you that means that they know that they can provide you with all the help you will require.
Just remember to seek out and use that help.

If you were learning to swim, do you think that the instructors would not do their best to both teach and keep you safe while doing so?

As for what people think? Yep, many will think that you only got in because you are a URM. Nothing you say or do will change their minds, so ignore them. Again, my wife has a list of achievements and awards as long as her arm, and her publications are out there so that everybody can see that they are serious, and that she deserves all of what she has achieved. Yet, there are still people out there who will claim that it’s all because she is a woman.

That being said - in your classes, when people see you there, the majority of them will think “she’s a CMU student, so she must deserve to be here”. Actually, most will not think about you at all. Sorry, you are great and all that, but you are not the center of their lives, and most will not spend more than a moment thinking about you. And that is great, because it means that you do not have to worry about what they are thinking about you.

I will repeat - it does not matter what other students think about you, and instructor and TAs do NOT laugh at students because they think that a question is dumb. If they allow students to do so, you do not need to tolerate this, and that type of behavior can cost a TA their job. You will be there to learn, and their job is to help you. It is not their job to judge any question you choose to ask in class. If you are too shy to ask the question in class, write it down, and go to office hours to ask the TA or the instructor.

That is another way in which college differs from HS. Every TA and instructor has hours put aside when the are entirely at the disposal of the students.

And here is secret #3: most students do not take advantage of office hours and TAs are usually bored and will welcome any question at all.

In the absolutely worst case scenario, you can transfer to another program where you feel you will be more comfortable.

Even if you got a boost for being a URM, you still beat an extremely low acceptance rate. The regular acceptance rate to SCS at CMU is 6%, so even if you got a boost as a URM, you beat pretty steep odds. So you are awesome, and don’t you forget that.

5

I suggest reading Unapologetically Dope by Dr. Nicki Washington. It’s all about how to survive/thrive as a black woman in CS.

6

You sound a lot like my own black daughter who has questioned her own ability to compete at every step of her own educational journey and still feels that way today despite similar stats (SAT Scores and AP scores) to your own. You definitely are smart enough to compete at CMU and I will tell you my own daughter’s secret (she just finished her freshman year at Howard University with a 4.0 and was maybe the top freshman student in her major (Chemistry) despite believing there are others definitely smarter than her).

I can hear the work ethic in your story necessary to be successful, and it is such an important trait. My daughter reads ahead for every class and takes notes and will start working problems when she understands the material. Her peers believe that she is brilliant, but she never misses class, goes to every work session and office hours session that she can possibly attend and has looked at all of the material ahead of time before each class. What other students believe is some other-worldly ability/skill to quickly comprehend the lectures materials presented is really just an advanced student being more prepared and out-working peers.

As my own daughter continues her matriculation, she will hit speed bumps in the road, and her ability to locate resources that can help her and to never give up will become her most important skills. I don’t know if my daughter will ever truly believe in her academic ability as I do, but she channels those feelings to maximize what she can control. Congratulations on getting into such a great school and I believe you will find a way to adapt and thrive at CMU.

7

… And I had to work my ass off all summer for it.

You are a hard worker - you will be just fine. More than fine. You will do great!

Nearly every incoming freshman, URM or not, great school or not, doubts if they can be successful. You have fine SAT scores which show you have the foundation to be successful in higher education. I truly believe the path to success is hard work. You’ve got that so you’ve got this!

Try to relax and enjoy your journey. Great things are ahead for you.

8

You work hard and seek opportunities. You will do fine as long as you keep up. My daughter went to high school where it was also easy to get those As. At University, she has had to go to office hours, signed up for courses that supplement the main course (for chemistry and statics, there were zero credit courses to help you pass the main course), and did lots of extra tutoring sessions. Don’t wait to start those, go right away. That really helped her get through the classes but if she had started them at the beginning, she would not have had the hole of first exam bad grades to climb out.

9

Also, you absolutely deserve to be there. You had an amazing SAT. You took college courses in high school! You took and got good scores on APs. I bet you did Girls Who Code or other activities that prepared you. And the work ethic cannot be overstated. You won’t be able to slide by, but you already know how to grind through tough material. Some of the “brilliant” students will be in for a rude awakening when they can’t just fall back on lazy tactics and they may not be able to persevere.

10

OP, we all root for you, but your concerns are real. You need to be mentally prepared. Google what happened at Harvey Mudd last year that led to a 2-day school shutdown.

11

@deadgirl
Your candor is admirable.

You deserve equal candor from CC.

Mastering computer science will be challenging (all the more so at a place like CMU.)
Some of your classmates - maybe the majority - will arrive better-prepared (from more competitive private high schools or with more IB/AP courses). Your high SAT scores will indeed be below average for CMU SCS.

So you’d be right to think you may have to work even harder than your average classmate. Sometimes you may need to seek more help. There is no shame in that. Isn’t it what you signed up for by applying to CMU? I’m pretty sure it is not the kind of place where you’ll be laughed at for asking a ton of questions in class or for going to office hours. In fact, that would fit the profile of a person prepared to learn (better than a naturally brilliant person who never contributes to discussion).

I worked on software RDTE projects for many years and believe me, sheer technical brilliance isn’t the only contribution that matters. Before you can start coding up a solution, you need to understand the business problem and use cases from every perspective that matters. That sometimes takes emotional intelligence and creativity along with technical knowledge. The best universities do expect high grades and scores but don’t admit solely on that basis. Your 1510 SAT was within the median zone for most top colleges. You wouldn’t have gotten in if you did not bring other qualities to the table. Whatever they are, let your light shine. Sooner or later you’ll be the one offering help.

12

@deadgirl: Your fears & concerns are real.

Objectively, a 1510 SAT score suggests that you are qualified to be at CMU and that you are capable of doing the work, but the AP scores are cause for some concern.

@ChangeTheGame means well, but her daughter is a student at Howard University which is overwhelmingly African American (about 90%) & overwhelmingly female (about 70%) and has a high number of African American professors. Howard University would be a very comfortable & healthy environment for you. CMU may not be.

Much of what I do is to put people under pressure. It is very important to see & understand how any individual reacts when placed under substantial pressure. To date, your reaction has been to work hard. That is an admirable reaction, but now you are questioning whether or not that will suffice in a highly competitive, high pressure environment. I do not know the answer. Some people rise to the occasion and some people crack. If I had to make a wager, I think that you will rise to the occasion and handle the challenge. But it won’t be easy and it won’t be comfortable.

You have an advantage in that you have accurately assessed the situation.

13

@deadgirl: An important point to remember is that you earned the right to be at CMU.

You had other options including a full ride to UMD, but you chose the harder path.

14

Great comments here.

To echo a bit – working really hard is an ASSET! The students who don’t have strong study skills and work ethic are the ones who struggle the most and will get the wake up call in college. In CS at CMU you won’t have many of those kids, but there will be some.

Based on how you describe your school, It is possible some of your classmates will come in with deeper knowledge and more background in some content areas. Remember, however, just b/c they’ve been exposed to more does NOT mean they are more capable than you. But you may need to be proactive in filling any gaps.

Short anecdote: my D took Calc 3 first semester freshman after having taken Calc BC as a junior in HS – so she’d been away from the subject for a year. She had gotten a 4 on that AP so felt perhaps like you – I know this stuff but haven’t completely mastered it. While not URM, she was one of a handful of women in the class and one of only 2 freshman. Anyway, she went to office hours ALL THE TIME to go over problem sets and ask questions. She was there at least twice a week. She found a study partner. She worked her ass off and ended with an A- in the class and this is a college known for hard grading.

Bottom line: Seeking assistance when you have questions is a STRENGTH, not a weakness.

You ARE brilliant (1510 SAT score!!). You DESERVE to be there. You BELONG there. You are ENOUGH.

And for the record, you’re an amazing writer for 18 and that will also carry you far.

15

Knowing how to work hard already puts you ahead of the game.

A fair amount of your fellow CMU freshmen will have the opposite problem - they will go from being the “genius” and “star” of their HS to being just another student, average or below average. Some will not be able to handle that mentally or emotionally.

Use the resources the university provides, including counseling, to help you.

Take pride in your work and accomplishments and your self confidence will grow.

As for what others think - let them. You can never control the thoughts or actions of others, so don’t even try. And don’t let them control yours directly or indirectly.

Congrats!

16

When I was 14 years old, I ran a mile race for the first time in my life at the local AAU junior Olympics meet. I ran in the 15 year old division. I won. I upset the newly crowned Pennsylvania Junior High School State Champion. It made headlines.

Winners from local AAU meets in 8 states then went to Delaware to compete against all of the other winners from about 6 adjoining states. It would be the second time in my life that I would run a mile race. I had no coach and I did not belong to any track team. I listened to the other competitors chatter before the start of the race. I allowed the other runners to psych me out before the race & I dropped out of the race after completing the second of four laps. Based on my time & competitive nature, I would have finished first or second & continued on to the next level competing against the seven other top 2 placers from AAU meets in the Eastern half of the US.

My failure to compete remains as an emotional scar many decades later. It is a source of shame to me. I would be much happier if I had competed and lost, then to have defeated myself.

17

Read A Hope in the Unseen, by Suskind. It is the story of a man who sounds very similar to you. Yes, he struggled for a time. It’s an amazing story and great reading even for people who aren’t in college.

Remember: you wouldn’t have been admitted if they didn’t think you could handle it.

18

@Publisher I think you missed my real point. I was just saying that work ethic and preparation can go a long way. I would expect the OP to have a learning curve coming into such a demanding environment, but having certain "intangibles’ as a student will travel well to any school and would easy any transition.

19

So normal to feel worried but you EARNED your way into your school!

Your work ethic WILL help you!

Those kids who knew what was going in that class will probably start in higher level CS class to start. Doesn’t matter a hill of beans as you will go at your own pace and graduate!

Don’t be afraid or intimidated to ask for help, go to study groups, office hours, etc… and you will do just fine!

You’ve got this!

20

@Publisher your story of the race :frowning: But I will tell you one thing…you’ve encouraged many (dang, countless) kids here to go for the hard moment and to know that they’ll come through it…a lot more kids have entered the race because of you.