I feel lonely in college

College Life
1

I’m a boring person although I try to be a clown for my friends. I feel like that is the only way I can survive in this world. People tend to find me boring or not interesting, so I tried to be as kind and as cool as possible. I think this is the problem. I’m not really a fit for anyone. Whenever I find friends, they gradually walk away from me. Nevertheless, I still stand alone in the middle of nowhere.

Friends tend to forget about my existence. They don’t want to hear what I say. They just talk on their own while I sit there and listen. One of the friends carelessly puts a motor on her mouth, dashing on her speaking, which even resist me from speaking. Only thing I can do is smile and nod. No one seems to care, but I just swallowed loneliness. I could feel my throat burning.

Thus, I just left them because they didn’t seem like they needed me. I looked back, and I could still see them laughing. I’m like dust. it exists, but no one knows. Walking back, seeing people as a group, I look around to find someone to talk to but realize that I’m alone.

So I cried. Loneliness drowned me. No sound came out of my mouth, and my heart couldn’t stop beating so hard. Friends’ laughter in the hall stabbed me, and I could feel my heart stop beating. I could feel that my eyelids were heavy. My eyes were shut, and I fell into the silence.

When finally friends came to see me, I stared at them. I thought I might burst out my anger, but I felt nothing. I just stared at them. Nothing more. What else there might be?

“Hey, are you good?”

One of the friends yell out. I stare at her smile. Is that naivety or mockery? No one really cares. The silence falls heavily upon me while they yell out words. Finally they came, I thought, when I am burned out.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

I don’t look at them anymore. I stare at my phone. You could have ignored my existence like usual, I thought.

They leave and the silence again. Loneliness falls, and I cry again. I didn’t want this to happen again, but it did. People tell me to suck it up and live. Don’t address the social issues because I will be alone again.

I’m already alone, and I feel lonely. I just wish I can hear some words from people that it’s okay. Just need some consolation. Or give me some advices although I already know the answer.

Thank you for reading and I wish you have a beautiful life.

2

Please go see the counseling department at your school. Your feelings are unique to you, but counselors have seen variations of them many times before, and can help you.

3

Does your school have some sort of creative writing club? You seem to have the knack for it.

Hang in there. Get involved and keep trying.

4

@NerdMom88 Thank you for your thougt. And as you suggested, it will be a good idea to visit counseling department. This is not the first time I ever felt loneliness. I felt it multiple times throughout my life. I was unsure if I’m the problem. Since the same situations occur almost every time, it is probably me who has social problems that need to be fixed. I’m not sure how this will turn out to be, but I need to try it.

@bodangles Thank you for your comment. I know I need to meet new people, so I’m working on that. Also, thank you for liking my writing. I don’t think I ever heard anyone saying that my writing is good. I’m trying so hard to hang on there although my hand is sweaty and slippery. I hope, eventually, I feel happy again.

5

Are you taking any medications by any chance?

6

As someone who has dealt with depression for more than half of her life, I urge you again to ask for counseling at your school’s health center. If necessary, they will refer you to a doctor for medication that can help you feel well enough to keep trying, as well as provide practical assistance on how to improve your social difficulties.

Those negative thoughts you’re having? They’re the enemy. Don’t let them win! hugs

P.S. I, too, think your writing shows potential. Keep at it and when you feel like trying, find that Creative Writing club!

7

@georged19 No, I don’t take any medication. I thought I was too sensitive because that’s what everyone told me. No one truly understood what I really meant. That loneliness feeling suddenly appears when I’m with everyone. I’m trying, but I don’t know what my problem is. I think it is better to see a doctor or a social counselor.

@NerdMom88 I agree with you. I’m planning to see a counselor this week when I do have time. I didn’t think that I had depression because that feeling hasn’t come up consistently. I thought I was too sensitive. It’s not like I want to give up. I just want to be friends with other people, and I felt like I’m left behind at certain points when I hear people talking about things I didn’t experience with them or when I don’t know what I should talk to them. Thus, I agree with you. I really do need help. Thank you for your advice.

8

Since the last time I visited this thread, four days passed. I no longer feel anything.

I left a note to my friend that I need some space for a while because I couldn’t handle the stress. I thought her friends had became mine as well, but apparently, they were not for me. I was blind and couldn’t see what was there, expecting a reaction while there was nothing.

Friend said that she understands my feelings. Not everyone can get along. That’s true. I became closer friends with others who live on different floors. Then I realized I belong there.

I was relieved. Although I knew this loneliness will come back, I had joy. What else could exist?

After signing for a counselling meeting, I was alone again my dorm. Soundless night, my eyes slowly shut, but I could feel the moon patting me, aaying that it’s okay.

I told that friend that I can see her from now on. She said okay. I said I will try to work on fitting into her group too. She said okay.

However, I realized this cannot happen again. I still hear them in the hall, and I can’t get out there and talk to them again. That gap between us has gotten expanded, like we are standing on the opposite sides of the Earth.

Maybe everything that I did was wrong. I can’t go back. She said that we are still friends, but I already know how far we have gotten. Somewhat regretting what I have done, and I am slowly walking away from her. I know that.

Anything dramatic didn’t happen. I already knew this was going to happen, but I can’t help myself from feeling disappointment. However, again, I remember that relationships among people are like glass – it looks so clear but easily breakable and never can assemble again.

It’s emptiness. My life has been filled with too many people, and now, it’s just me. I don’t know myself. Just regrets and emptiness. Somewhat feeling like what I was holding is gone, and I can’t find them any more.

But I don’t cry any more. I laugh and make jokes. I’m back to who I was before, but what is this weird feeling? I don’t kno and who knows. Even a counselor couldn’t find an answer yet.

In a case if anyone wondered how I feel now. I’m back to my normal life, but I don’t know how I feel now. It’s not really sad or depressing, but this blankness is weird. It’s just there. I mrt a coubselor, but I don’t think this helps because he doesn’t exactly know how I feel, and I don’t either. Uncertainty graps me, and I think I’m the only one who should find the answer to it.

In addition, loneliness and depression are different. Many people worried about my depression, but the counselor said they are not the same. I didn’t feel like I needed to harm myself. I just needed people who care about me. That was all. Thus, I’m glad to find that out, but I still feel like I’m lost with myself. However, things are better than before because I at least found some people to be with.

Therefore, if anyone else feels lonely, don’t hesitate to at least tell one person about his or her loneliness. After writing on this forum, I felt better. It’s anonymous, and people do care about others. Don’t fall out yet and reach out for help. Everyone will try to help you.

Thank you for following and hope you have a wonderful day.