I hate my college social life. Should I transfer?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I have been here for 2 months. I l know its not a long time but I’m not enjoying college like I thought I would. My classes are fine. It’s just my social life. (I admit I’m a bit shy.) I haven’t made any good friends. I hangout with my roommate sometimes. We get along well. Other than her I only have 1 other friend that I eat lunch/dinner with daily. Weekends are the worst since the few people I hangout with all go home for the weekend since they live close. Most the girls/guys on my floor all like to party and get drunk. I’m not into it so much. (Although it would be nice to actually be invited to a party.) This school just seems really cliquey to me. Kinda like high school. The other problem is that it’s pretty hard to get around here. I don’t have a car and public transportation really sucks and if you walk down a few blocks off of campus the area starts to look a bit ghetto. So this REALLY limits things to do outside of campus with my friends for fun. </p>

<p>I go to a small liberal arts university. It’s a nice school in a beautiful area. I’m about 4.5 hours away from home. I know home isn’t far but I really miss my family. I don’t feel like college is going to get any better for me. I’m really considering moving back home and attending the state school there and living on campus. I don’t know if I just want to change schools because I have hardly any friends or if I want to because I feel like this isn’t right for me. I’m worried that if I do change schools that I won’t be any happier. </p>

<p>I applied to the state school this morning while I was feeling quite sad. I know I will get accepted. It really sucks because I have always wanted to go to school here. I BEGGED my parents to let me come here while they were trying to make me go to the state school. But now that I’m here its not like I thought it would be. I don’t want to disappoint them by telling them I don’t want to be here anymore. ☹ When my family was moving me here my sister told me that I don’t have to stay here if I feel like I can’t or don’t want to be here. She told me moving away to college isn’t for everyone and that she supports whatever I want to do or wherever I want to go. One of the main reasons I wanted to come here is to actually have some freedom since my family has always been strict. But now that I’m here what’s the point of having it if I’m not enjoying myself?</p>

<p>I think I will give this school 4-6 weeks more. Then I will make my decision as to if I want to move closer to home and attend the state school or not. What do you think? Am I just overreacting since I haven’t even been here that long? ANY advice is appreciated.</p>

2

<p>Yes, I think you are over-reacting. I don’t mean that you aren’t uncomfortable, and not enjoying yourself, but that it is too soon to think that you won’t be happy at that school in the long run. </p>

<p>There are lots of threads on this topic with many examples of students who were unhappy the first semester, then grew to love their school. </p>

<p>One of my daughters experienced this. She was very unhappy for the first few months - calling home crying, saying she wasn’t having any fun, that everyone else was fitting in and she wasn’t, that she had made a mistake and should have gone to the state flagship in our city, etc.</p>

<p>We listened, skyped, sent care packages, encouraged her to get involved in volunteering, intramurals etc. to fill up the time and meet people. </p>

<p>By second semester she was much more comfortable. She still applied to transfer to the state flagship for the next fall, but by the time the acceptance came in July she was happy at her school. She’s a senior now, and will be sad to leave.</p>

<p>Going to a school where lots of people go home on the weekends may make it a little harder, but there must be some activities - volunteering, retreats, concerts, sporting events - happening on the weekend that you could get involved in.</p>

3

<p>I know I should go to social events more but whenever I want to my friends never want to go or they’re not even around. I’m the kind of person who can’t even eat alone in a restaurant. I keep thinking that if I do end up moving back and attending the state school that I just might end up regretting it because I know I probably will never get the chance to live in this area ever again. But right now its getting to the point where I cry everyday because I’m not having fun here.</p>

4

<p>You should be aware that transfer students usually have a much harder time socially than freshmen who all dorm together so don’t assume your social life will improve after a transfer. You may be tempted to go home on the weekends yourself which will just make adjusting that much harder.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>No, you are the kind of person who won’t eat alone in a restaurant. You really have to be willing to push yourself out of your comfort zone if you are going to change your situation. It’s far, far easier to stay in your room and cry because you aren’t having any fun than it is to make yourself go out and engage with others and risk possible rejection. Don’t assume the grass will be greener at your state school; you wanted very badly to go to the school you are attending now…you must have had reasons so go back and make a list of those reasons.</p>

<p>You are correct that if you quit now, you will never know what you might have been able to do at this school and you may come to regret giving up.</p>

5

<p>I’m in almost the same boat as you are right now. I live very close by to my school, but I chose to live on campus because I thought it would be more fun. But as I have come to realized, my social life is currently so pathetic. I am also pretty shy so I get where you’re coming from about making friends. I thought a lot about whether I should commute next semester so I could get time to go home and be with my family, but it seems my school does not allow that because I signed an agreement at the beginning of the year and it says I’m stuck here for another semester. Hopefully things will improve by then, but good luck to both of us.</p>

<p>So as you can see, I can’t really give you any advice because I am also struggling at this, but I can say that, you should try to not depend on your friends so much. When I first came here, I was really afraid that I would have to eat alone or go to events alone, but once I got here, I found that I was alone a lot of the time, so I ended up just doing things by myself anyway. Definitely seek out clubs and go to their meetings. It might feel weird, like ugh what if everyone has someone to talk to and I’m just alone. But I find that clubs tend to be pretty friendly and welcoming, especially the smaller ones. And eating alone isn’t scary as it seems if you have your laptop with you :)</p>

<p>Anyway, I don’t wanna tell you to stick around or transfer because even I myself would be confused if I’m in your situation. Just really think about it. Put yourself out there more (I also need to take this advice) and see where it goes. Again, best of luck!</p>

6

<p>Well I’m actually a transfer student to begin with. So maybe this is also why I’m having a hard time adjusting. Most people on my floor are freshmen. I know I have to break out of my comfort zone, but I have ALWAYS been a shy person. So its difficult for me. I also feel like all the girls who live on my floor are…well…I’m sorry for the honesty, but they’re trashy. This is college. They should have some class for the love of god. Or at least TRY to respect themselves. I’m not rude to them or anyone. (Everyone at my school is nice to me.) They’re just not the type of people I would ever want to be friends with. I know beggars can’t be choosers. But still. I am dating a guy who goes to the university near mine. We normally hangout on weekends. So that helps me not feel so pathetic.</p>

<p>@Overbyen- I’m not glad you feel this way. But I’m glad to know I’m not alone haha. Slowly I’m starting not to depend on my friends. I went to the gym alone a few times this week. (Which for me is a big step lol.) when someone tells me to put myself out there I don’t even know what to do/how to start. It’s not like I never talk to anyone. I always talk to people that sit next to me in class. But it never mounts to anything. I think I’m going to see how I feel by winter break. And if I’m still unhappy by then I will really think about if I’m going to transfer closer to home or not</p>

7

<p>

</p>

<p>It’s great that you’re talking to people whenever you get a chance. Why don’t you ask people around you if they’d be up to study together sometime? Or maybe ask around your class (send an email, post on facebook, whatever) if anyone would like to start a study group? If you go to clubs, talk to people and ask if they’d like grab something to eat sometime or do something else. They may turn you down, but they may think it’s a great idea. And if they say no, well, it’s not like you’re in a different situation than you were in before. It’s hard to make friends just from seeing them once or twice a week in class (or sometimes much less than that). Try to find situations to spend more time with the same people, and much of the time that means you have to take the initiative. It never amounts to anything because you never do anything about it.</p>

<p>I’m incredibly shy too, so I completely get that it’s hard. It’s not that you’re incapable of doing it, it’s just harder. But it’s never going to get easier, unless you do it. The more times you go to the gym alone, the easier it will get, and maybe you’ll strike up a conversation with someone and get a gym buddy. You never know. The first step is really to just get out of your room and do stuff. Preferably stuff that involves people, and then take the initiative to invite people to do things. And if they don’t want to go, go on your own. You’ll never meet anyone just sitting in your room all day.</p>

<p>Specifically with regards to transferring schools, I always tell people to really think about if the school is the problem. It’s easy to think everything will be easier or better at another school, but many schools are probably more similar than you realize socially (college kids are college kids). I’m not saying that it’s your fault that you’re struggling, but if you’re having trouble making friends at this school, then why wouldn’t you have trouble making friends at this next school? What’s so special about the state school that would make your social situation much better? Also, consider how that would impact your academic situation. Don’t forget that you’re still a student, and if transferring schools would significantly impact your ability to graduate on time with the degree and education that you want, then that’s definitely something to consider.</p>

8

<p>Here’s a thought from a parent’s point of view…my daughter just left for college this year, and she lives on campus a couple hours away. I have had times of sadness and missing her, and yes, even some tears. It is normal to have a hard time adjusting to change. So some of what you are feeling might be normal.</p>

<p>It is also possible that what you are experiencing is a little more than just normal shyness and fear of change. There are a number of people on campus that are trained to help out in these situations. Your RA on your floor, or your Resident Director of the whole dorm. Or there are counselors on campus you can speak with, or just head to the campus health clinic and start there. It could be you are dealing with a more serious issue like depression or anxiety, and either way, talking to someone else might help you see your situation from all sides. </p>

<p>It may be that, in trying to get away from your family and all its strictness, you may have elevated the importance of coming to your dream school, and the reality of day to day life can’t match all the daydreams you had about college life. “If I can just attend X school, everything will work out and I will be happy.” It would be hard for any school to live up to such lofty expectations. </p>

<p>Every school has both good and bad points, but wherever you attend, “there you are.” Meaning, you will still be shy at a new school, you will still probably have difficulty meeting people. So why not pretend you are not shy, for just one day, or just one hour? Instead of eating alone, find someone else who is alone and ask if you can join them? Or if you are seated already and notice someone looking around for an empty seat, ask them to join you. So many shy people are attending your school right now. What if shy people could break through their walls for just one moment and reach out to someone else…why this could lead to an actual conversation!! Or you might find someone who shares an interest or hobby.</p>

<p>My younger son is shy, but loves Doctor Who tv series on BBC. He wears Doctor Who tshirts to events at church and school, and people comment and sometimes start conversations with him. Try wearing a tshirt that advertises a musical group, a nonprofit group you volunteer for, or some other interest. </p>

<p>Go ahead and apply to the possible transfer school, but also make a deal with yourself that you will make 5 or 10 actual, legitimate attempts to interact with others. At a club meeting, a church organization, a service project, etc. “You can always quit later” was a great quote given to me at a difficult time in my life. It gave me such relief. I kept striving in my work, but gave myself permission to stop at some future point when I was more confident it was really time to quit. AFTER I had given my best to make it work.</p>

<p>If you do end up transferring, let it be on your terms, when you are confident you have done everything in your power to make connections on campus. As others have said, write down the reasons you wanted to attend this school, and see how many of them are still valid.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you.</p>

9

<p>I’m in the same situation. My social life is pretty miserable and I’m thinking about transfering. As a non-partier, I find it incredibly difficult to even communicate with others (very big party school). I hate to say this (like the other person before me), but nearly every guy (I’m a guy) at my university gets wasted five nights a week and has a very preppy attitude. To be honest, people see that I don’t like to party, and they avoid me because of it.</p>

<p>The most difficult part is that I’ve tried to break out of my shell and reach out–except there’s no one ever there. There’s not one other kid in my hall that doesn’t drink (when I say drink at my college, I mean drink heavy). My RA parties all the time and even GETS alchohol for underage students. Although the university does have weekend events for non-partiers, they’re usually not interesting and have low attendance.</p>

<p>I apologize if it sounds like I’m venting too much, but this is a real problem for me. I either sit in my dorm or wander around alone every single day. Even worse, my grades are not as high as I would like and I have trouble concentrating on work as a result of my unhappiness. </p>

<p>I feel like if I transfer out, I run the risk of being in the same situation at “next College X”. Also, although my happiness is WAY more important than the prestige of my school, I worked so hard to get here and pave a way for my opportunities that I don’t know if can throw it away.</p>

<p>I try every day to not feel bad for myself, but things are not clicking here and I know it. I’ve seen someone at my school who works with these sorts of issues and talked with friends and family, but it’s just so difficult for me (I’m a very shy person) to find anything I can connect to. </p>

<p>I’m posting here hoping for advice/knowlege from a neutral source. </p>

<p>Please don’t perceive this as pretentious or whiny, because that is not the way it’s intended. These are all real and impacting things I’ve never had to deal with before, and I hope it can be solved before things get worse.</p>

10

<p>AEgirl, you have a boyfriend who is close enough that you can spend time together on the weekends; you get along well with your roommate; you have a friend to eat meals with. Compared to posters who tell of roommates from hell and no friends or romantic opportunities whatsoever, you really aren’t dong so badly! I think need to realize that your glass is half full and will fill up a lot more by the end of the year, especially if you join some campus organizations that interest you. (BTW, if you are in a dorm with a lot of freshmen, it’s not surprising that they are still sowing their wild oats. They’ll eventually settle down.)</p>

11

<p>OP,
in some ways, you seem to be doing better than you want to admit to yourself.</p>

<p>Transferring isn’t a piece of cake either. At this time of the year, it is often difficult to break in socially because friend groups have formed.</p>

<p>Your boyfriend is near where you are not, not near your home.</p>

<p>And, you take you along with you everywhere you go…both your assets and your deficiencies. If you are having trouble making friends on your present campus, things are not likely to be a lot easier elsewhere. Even if you have friends from high school on the campus you want to transfer to, remember they will have changed, evolved, and made new friends…things are no longer as you remember them in high school. So please don’t idealize your social life should you decide to transfer…it may be better, it may be the same, it could also be not as good.</p>

<p>Try to remember what attracted you to the school you are at, and why you chose it over your state school. Do those qualities still seem important to you?</p>

<p>I am not voting in either direction on your transfer, just giving you a few things to think about.</p>

12

<p>I know I am better off than a lot of people in this situation. But right now the ONLY thing that makes me happy/excited is hanging out with my boyfriend on the weekends. Because of him I’m having second thought on if I should transfer or not. </p>

<p>This may sound silly, but since I was 9 years old I have dreamt of going to college in this city like my older sister did. I would imagine myself walking down main street at night on a date (just like I did last night) without having to worry about what time I had to be back in bed. I went out for ice cream last night with my boyfriend and kept thinking that if I do leave then I will probably never have that again. Yes, if I transfer I probably will find another great guy. But it won’t be quite the same since I’ll be living in an area that has never been my dream to live in. I think what I mean is I got my dream by being able to attend this school But the only problem is that I’m not living my dream. Sorry if those last few sentences don’t make sense haha. </p>

<p>Another problem is that I lost most my motivation to go to most my classes. I just want to lay around in my dorm and sleep. I know things are not guaranteed to get better for me socially if I transfer. The residence life office assigned me a roommate who was/is a returning student. Since I am a first year student at this school I got to move in 3 days before (for orientation activities) all the returning students. So I was alone in my dorm for those 3 days while everyone else on my floor all had a roommate. Since I didn’t have a roommate for 3 days I think it really set me back in terms of getting to know other new students because I just felt awkward going to all the orientation activities alone, while everyone else had their roommate to go with. I know this sounds stupid but I figure that if I transfer then I will be paired with 1 or 2 other roommates who will be new students. </p>

<p>@Rubi32-Its okay to vent! Which is what I have been doing on this forum for days. I’m sorry to hear your grades are suffering. I honestly had more motivation to go to class/try harder at my old community college (which I HATED). I am worried if I transfer that my experience will be worse. Right now I’m unsure of what I want to do. I applied to the school and I’m starting to send my old transcripts. I know I will get accepted. I kinda think that if I’m SEMI unhappy here by the time I need to make a decision then I will just defer admission until Fall 2014. But if I’m truly unhappy to the point where I cry everyday then I might transfer for this coming Spring semester.</p>

13

<p>It’s never too late to find friends. Just because you didn’t go to orientation events doesn’t mean that you will never be able to meet people or form friendships. When I was in undergrad, I never really spent time with my roommates, and I never spoke to the people I met during orientation again. Those don’t have to be the only ways that you meet new people, and they certainly didn’t turn into lasting friendships for me. College (presumably) won’t be the only time that you move to a new area where you don’t have an established social group. You may move to a new city for a job, and quitting and moving to another city likely won’t be an option. Think of this as a great time to figure out a system for building a social group.</p>

<p>It’s easy to say that you don’t have as many friends as you would like because of this or that, but there’s no reason those things will change if you transfer. If you transfer, you may be placed with a first year or a continuing student and be in the same situation you are now (except that now you’re basically starting all over socially at a new school). Even if you do get paired with a new transfer student, you two may not get along, she may already know several people at this school who she spends most of her time with, she may not be interested in going to school events with you, she may be busy with sports or work or classes and not spend as much time with you as you anticipate, etc.</p>

<p>I’m not saying don’t transfer. I’m just saying think carefully about it. Transfer because there’s a specific, concrete reason why that state school is better than the school you currently go to. Starting over halfway through the year at a new school doesn’t seem like it will fix anything. You’ll have the same problems you’ve had here, but you will have to adjust to a new school and you won’t have the friends that you already made.</p>

<p>Think carefully about what makes you unhappy at this school, and find ways to fix it. Do you want to meet more people? Go to clubs, volunteer, work–just go places, find someone who looks nice and is sitting along, and chat with them. Is it that you can’t seem to turn acquaintances into friendships? Invite people to do things, rather than waiting to be invited by others. I met a lot of people through work when I was in undergrad. Perhaps, you could find a part time job on campus where you would work with multiple other undergrads. That can be a great way to see the same people regularly so you can get to know them, and it’ll be less nerve-wracking than just striking up a conversation with a stranger. Are you just frustrated that there’s nothing nearby you can do? Try to find a friend with a car, or see if there’s anything like zipcar in your area. That’ll let you go to further places. Or be creative! I had tons of fun just flying a kite in a park with my friends. Maybe you and a friend could take a rec class together. Or join an intramural team at your school. There’s always something to do.</p>

14

<p>I think you should give it a whole semester or year to make your decision.</p>

<p>I had the same problem for my first month and a half. I was optimistic at first but then as school progressed I wanted the semester to just end already. I thought it’d be great but it wasn’t especially since I was shy and had to initiate conversations!</p>

<p>But once I stopped caring about seeming weird for starting random convos with people, I actually made friends. It wasn’t like an instant thing though caz I had tried talking to people but I wouldn’t consider them friends. And sometimes you just click with people and instantly become friends. </p>

<p>Maybe try moving to a different part of your classroom esp in classes where you don’t know anyone. Or try hanging out in a different area.
Good Luck ツ</p>

15

<p>I think I will give it a whole year. And if I’m still unhappy by the time this school year ends then I will really consider transferring. Right now I’m just worried because this is really starting to affect me academically. All I do is sleep a lot through out the day. I feel tired all the time. I don’t have motivation to go to half of my classes. I spend a lot of time in my room. I’m not alone too much since my roommate is always here.</p>

<p>I don’t really hangout with my other friend outside of dinner/lunch time too much because I feel like I don’t click with her friends. They’re nice to me and I’m nice to them but I just don’t know how to act around them. They make me feel uncomfortable. The girls who live next door to me are really nice. But they already formed their own group with 2 other girls from another building. </p>

<p>It just sucks because last Halloween I thought I would be here in college having fun, dressing up and going to a Halloween party with my friends. Instead I’m sitting alone in my dorm on my laptop hoping my boyfriend will text me soon to make plans so that I’m not alone and bored for the entire weekend.</p>

16

<p>You are showing classic symptoms of depression. Maybe you should go to the university health clinic and talk to someone there. If you are depressed, it can be coloring your whole experience for you.</p>

<p>And why don’t you just text your boyfriend with a plan–something fun that you would enjoy doing?</p>

17

<p>I kinda just realized that I may be depressed also. My excessive sleeping has been going on for a few weeks now. I think I lost my motivation to go to class around the same time I started sleeping a lot. </p>

<p>I don’t make plans with him first because he’s busy a lot. He goes to UC Berkeley so his classes are pretty tough and take time.</p>

18

<p>How about socializing more and make new friends with other people, not just with the people that you usually talk to or hang out with? It’s actually your choice to be this way, staying depressed etc. It’s just two months, you will meet a lot of people and gain more friends if you keep socializing.</p>

19

<p>Yes its my choice to have no friends since I have always been shy. Thanks for making my day.</p>

20

<p>Wait do you go to college in NorCal? UCB is not too far from Bart, maybe you can visit him.</p>

<p>Ya I dont think feeling tired and sleeping alot adds up.……Do you eat healthy foods that give you enough energy. Maybe try going to your campus gym instead of staying home all day.</p>

<p>And please dont blame being shy on lacking a social life. You can still talk to your old high school friends or hang out with them, right?
I have yet to hang out with my new college friends outside of school. I dont blame it on my shyness caz we all commute and dont live near each other so its not easy to do. But if I call up my old hs friends I can hang out with them but I have to plan ahead.</p>