<p>My parents have an estimate of how much money I have. I got it through work each summer/scholarship refunds. So I can’t exactly tell them I don’t have money. Perhaps, I should tie up my money some way. I could put it in a CD. This way I I can’t withdraw from it. As for the lease you would have to ask the rental company. And no, I will not save money for it. I’m only home about 8 months the whole year. I was away this summer for the most part, so I think I can find a way to be away from them again next summer. Moreover, I can stay in my dorm winter/spring break. They will not be receiving rent money from me. Unfortunately, I wish I I could tell my dad to get a job, but he would probably slap me in the face. I’d like to avoid that. At this point, I’m thinking of telling my grandmother in order to shame them. That being said, she doesn’t even live in the US so I’m not sure what difference an angry phone exchange will make.</p>
<p>
This is why you have to tell them you can’t afford to lend them any more money–say you have just enough for your educational needs, and that’s it. It’s much better to keep repeating “I can’t” than “I won’t.” And it’s true enough.</p>
<p>There are a lot of articles on the web about how to handle people asking for money. Its not a loan. Its a gift. Don’t expect to see it again. If it is a loan then you can ask for collateral (jewelry or other valuable) or decline to give any additional money until the first loans are repaid.</p>
<p>Sorry you are going through this. Hope your school counseling service can help. It is hard to be assertive, especially with parents. Ouch.</p>
<ol>
<li>Say No</li>
<li><p>Embarrass them</p></li>
<li><p>You need to learn to say no like a parent would to a bratty child. It’s really for their own good. This can be hard to do. Welcome to being a parent!</p></li>
<li><p>I would do a two pronged embarrassment attack. First, next time they need a lot of money, sit down with them and try to create a budget. Ask lots of personal questions like their age, income, spending habits (be specific), goals, etc. This will cause them not to want to go through this ordeal again. Tell them they have to make tough decisions to make this budget work.
Secondly, only give them money in front of one of their peers. For example, if your father put extra items in the cart loudly demand he put them back. State to everyone that you’re paying and you’re not paying for those. Or only give them a check or money in front of their friends and say something like Alan Arkin’s character in Slums of Beverly Hills.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Hunt: They know I have more than enough for my schooling that’s the problem. I don’t think they understand the concept of my not being able to help them. For example, I’ll be studying abroad this quarter and I told them it’s ridiculous that they’re taking what money I have. I just got that snide comment from my mother and total manipulation. "Think about your siblings. Think about them. We raised you. " I think my dad said something like we’re in tough times. And I wanted to scream right back, "because you choose to sit at home and do nothing. "</p>
<p>Re: post # 24 -
Please don’t play their game. Manipulation, embarrassment, guilt, shame, humiliation. No, please no.</p>
<p>Do not bring up the issue of money. When they do (they will) tell them you are sorry but this subject is closed. And. Move.On. Disengage from the topic. Extinguish the behavior. They will try to escalate with the unkind pressure comments. Walk away or tell them you have to get off the phone. They will try to mooch off someone else if you stand your ground. Right now they know you are a soft touch and will give in to their requests. If you stop they will find another sucker. Sorry to use such harsh words, but this is what they commonly do. Hopefully they may take a look at and try to fix their own behavior. That wold be lovely. But don’t count on it. You cant change them. You can only change how you respond to them.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>blue2152001, I think you should go to the counseling service at your college. This would be an extremely difficult situation for anyone to handle, much less a college student. All the adults here can tell you to do this, do that, but these are your parents and your feelings by definition must be very complicated.</p>
<p>It is extremely unfair of them to put you in this situation. (((((((hugs)))))) and best of luck.</p>
<p>Note that their behavior is embarrassing. Exposing it instead of ignoring it is more effective.</p>
<p>
Still, I suggest the best tactic is for you simply to keep saying, “I can’t lend you any more money now.” Just keep repeating that. You won’t get anywhere by trying to get them to change their attitudes.</p>
<p>Eventually, what I started to say is, “I wish I could help right now, but I can’t”</p>
<p>Over and over and over. </p>
<p>But I was older and it was easier by then. I know this is really difficult. </p>
<p>I agree with those who are suggesting you get some counseling. Tell the counselor you’d like to strategize the best way to handle it. You can get a lot of practical adult support this way. </p>
<p>You aren’t crazy, by the way. The situation is. </p>
<p>Good luck</p>
<p>Embarrassment will backfire. So will trying to sit down with them to budget. They won’t do it. They are not going to willingly participate in that aspect of role reversal, even if the OP says she will loan (ie give) them money only if they do this. She has enough on her plate. This isnt her responsibility. </p>
<p>And as for this "
No - Don’t give them ANY money. At all. This money train needs to be derailed.</p>
<p>OP- I think when you co-signed for the lease on the home, you became legally responsible for rent when they don’t pay it. I don’t have advice but think this needs to be dealt with.</p>
<p>My parents sat down and tried to budget. Why wouldn’t they? It’s just good advice even if she doesn’t have the money to give. It was embarrassing to them. They never asked me for money again. </p>
<p>Sometimes you have to give them money. Especially if you cosigned on a loan! I’m being realistic here.</p>
<p>alh is right (assuming you were over 18 when you signed). Once their lease is up do NOT sign the new one. And if they plan to renew the lease, you will have to address this with the landlord so they do not simply extend the current lease with you as co-signer. </p>
<p>I am so sorry you are going through this.</p>
<p>Classic (or whoever you are)</p>
<p>Its hard to imagine that embarrassing a parent in front of others can do anything but fracture an already tenuous parent/child relationship.</p>
<p>I would put the money into an account that is not so accessible, and that you keep private. You can then tell them your ABC account is down to $10 or whatever, and you need money to make a payment on your credit card, and can they give back some of what they have borrowed so you are not shut down completely. </p>
<p>I don’t think having talks and making stipulations work with abusers like these family members. It just causes resentment and may cause some other trouble. I know a number of people in this situation and it just works better to constantly talk about needing the money they borrowed already, to be returned as the monthly payments is due. They disappear quickly when YOU need money. I would keep things as pleasant as possible.</p>
<p>This isn’t a parent child relationship. </p>
<p>This is a parentified child. </p>
<p>But… You need to try to get away from this with the least amount of external conflict for your own sake. This is my opinion. </p>
<p>By the time your parents are acting this way, they aren’t capable of reasoning. So logical conversation or explanation really won’t help. </p>
<p>Get a counselor. They can help you figure out how to negotiate this situation. It’s simple in the abstract, but emotionally complicated. </p>
<p>Take care</p>
<h1>37 - yes</h1>
<p>Unfortunately I have experience dealing with relatives who aren’t able to behave rationally. It is very difficult for me to tell those I love they are irrational. I remind myself that allowing them to be irrational hurts them more than preventing the behavior. (When I have some control or veto power over their actions. That isn’t always the case, of course.) I try my best not to make it personal. Not to judge them. It is so difficult. Just this morning I had to send an email where I listed all the pros and cons of a financial request. Then I wrote “That decision doesn’t make practical or financial sense. We have to do something else. I love you.”</p>
<p>I find this easier to handle by email because there is less emotion involved. I will call later today or probably tomorrow to follow up. I always end every conversation with “I love you” That helps me feel better even if it doesn’t matter to them.</p>
<p>Definitely see a money counselor at your school. Does your school offer legal help? D’s U has a new legal office to help students with employment/ landlord type issues (not DUIs, etc). I agree that you need to get off co-signing. If parents are savy and you cut off money, they might use rent money for other things and let landlord go after you for rent. Not sure this is likely, but better to be proactive. If your name is off stuff, then you are only dealing with your discretionary giving. Sorry you are being put in this position- you are to be commended for finding a way to fund your own college education.</p>
<p>Ugh. I have a parent who is like this. I said no from the very beginning and never loaned money to this parent. My sibling felt terribly guilty and has loaned her thousands and thousands of dollars AND employed her AND let her live in her home for years and then ultimately purchased a home for her. This enabled my parent to forgo working for years when she was perfectly capable of doing so, but didn’t like holding down a 9 to 5 job. None of this money has been repaid. </p>
<p>Trust me, my route was much easier in the long run because when someone manipulates you out of money, you really need to question why you are the one feeling the guilt. </p>
<p>Jym is giving you great advice, and poetgrl too. It’s your money, and you do not need to loan it out. Period. I think you just want to come up with a one liner like someone above suggested - - say it whenever the need arises and then change the subject.</p>
<p>Parent: “Can you loan me $500 for groceries?”
You: “I wish I could, but I’m not in the financial position to do so right now.”</p>
<p>Even if your bank account is loaded with money - - that doesn’t mean you are in a financial position to loan it out. In fact you aren’t because you need it for college, for housing, for un-forseen emergencies, for a future deposit on a house, potentially for a wedding some day. You do actually need the money you have. You aren’t lying. And you don’t owe an explanation.</p>
<p>The co-signing on a lease is a big issue because your parents could stop paying the rent or car loan, and you will be legally responsible for it. I doubt you can get out of it now from a legal standpoint, but do not agree to do it in the future. If your parents default, you may actually really need to make those payments because if you don’t your credit could be seriously impacted. If your parents do default, please do consult with a credit counselor before deciding not to pay to make sure you understand the impacts.</p>
<p>I’m impressed with how well you are doing at such a young age simply providing for yourself. Good luck and be tough. Your mom’s comment was not very loving and was very manipulative. Comments like that should be completely ignored for the ridiculous statements that they are.</p>