I have some real problems here and I need someone to hear me out

Parents Forum
1

<p>I feel like I am alone and that no one is able to help me, and yet every day that goes by seems to be a sort of tiresome torture with no one around to hear me!</p>

<p>I've been fighting with my mom tooth and nail ever since my father died last November... she's totally changed as a person. I don't know how to word all of this eloquently so I will just spew off some things on the tip of my tongue:</p>

<p>-I'm a full IB Diploma candidate/valedictorian of my high school and I have a very full and rigorous schedule</p>

<p>-My brother is a very big, gruff football-player who is two years younger than I am and yet 3 inches taller... he gets a D average in school and his schedule is composed of class-releases and teacher-assistant periods with his weight-training/football coach where he goes out to lunch with friends. He has threatened physical force on me before when he doesn't get his way.</p>

<p>-My mom and dad had been having some marital problems -- my father was uneasy about a man (who I will call John) my mom was hanging around with, and suspected foul play. However, my dad died and now he is no longer around to object to anything. My mom and John are constantly together and as a result, Mom is rarely home anymore. She's always sleeping over at his place, and she's always informed my brother and me that they are just friends that have a good time together and that they've never gone... "further" than this.</p>

<p>-My mom decided not to contribute a dime for college and has agreed to simply give me roughly $4500 in social security checks that were in my name. She says that after the $4500 I am not to ask her for another dime as long as I shall live.</p>

<p>Regardless, I have some major problems here. I don't know where to begin. I'm tired of my mom not being a mom. She's never home and she's always lying to me about her whereabouts, and I feel that she is disrespecting my father by hooking up with this man who Dad was uneasy about in the first place. I have caught John and my mom kissing in the past so I know for a fact that Mom is lying to me about the extent of the relationship. Since she's never home, she rarely buys food anymore either. As a result, I have to pay for virtually all of my own food every day at school. I don't have a job right now and I am trying to get one in New York over the summer, so money is very limited. </p>

<p>Getting a job here in Oregon is difficult in my situation because of transportation. The "family car" that I drive costs $90 to fill up and it only gets 10 miles to the gallon. I cannot afford to drive such a gas-guzzling monster and many of the jobs are far enough from my house such that I would be making a very small profit, and even so this profit alone would not be enough for me to survive on every day. Our lifestyle is fairly high-expense, and yet mom is able to live off life insurance/social security while expecting me to fend for myself with my own money while bearing the brunt of these expenses during a time when I simply can't do so.</p>

<p>She has begun to show favoritism for my brother. On her desk and computer at home there are pictures of my father, herself, and my brother --- a few of my pictures were in the garbage and others were just lying amidst some papers. I feel like she is pushing me out of her life due to some sort of hatred. My brother comes home and plays computer games all day while I work, and yet she shows love for him and calls me lazy. If my mom is home, my brother will ask Mom for money for food at school and she will give it to him without question -- she will not berate him in the same way that she does me. I get nothing because "I am going to college", which has been a huge debate between us. In short she feels that I am "too expensive" of a child for her even though she has already stated that she will not help me pay for college. </p>

<p>My day plays out like this. I wake up and drive my brother to school and eye the gas meter running on E, worried about how I am going to get it filled. At school I end up tired and weary at the end of the day and I drive home with my brother. When I get home, the house is empty. Mom is off with John doing who knows what. I'll try to get some work done while my brother plays games. Mom will either call home sometimes or show up at the house -- sometimes drunk in both cases, and we will fight over money. I tell her I cannot afford all of these things that she is forcing me to pay for and that she should be a mother and give some support instead of showing favoritism. Her argument is that since I am 18 I should be able to accept responsibility and support myself. What about her responsibility as a mother? I've lost a father and I feel very alone in my situation, being sent into a position where I will be hard-pressed financially in an environment with high academic stress (UPenn)... I just can't handle all this pressure. John is a man with money and pays for virtually anything Mom wants, so it's not like Mom is hard-pressed for money in this regard alone. I fear that they will marry when I am in college and that his information will be necessary for the FAFSA... and yet my Mom would probably still not contribute. Thus my aid would go to nil and I'd have to pay a lot more on my own with John's information.</p>

<p>Mom feels her logic is correct because she has the rest of her family to back her up -- apparently everyone agrees with her. However, much of my family is comprised of people who think college is not so important, and I have heard my mom tell people over the phone that I am just an arrogant money-hungry punk who needs to get out of her house.</p>

<p>I don't know what to do... I really need another perspective on all this. My girlfriend has generously given me a place to stay over the summer, but in conjunction with this I would be working as well. However I don't know how easy it is to get a job there. It would be ideal though, as transportation would not be nearly as expensive as driving my gas-guzzling car. However, I can't stand all this fighting with my mom. I don't know if it is my logic that is fuzzy or hers. I just know something isn't right here and I don't know how the hell to go about fixing it.</p>

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<p>Go talk to your school counselor. Or your clergy. Or a crisis center. They should be able to help in ways that I cannot. My prayers are with you, legendofmax.</p>

3

<p>Legendofmax: First, both congratulations and condolences...it's obvious you're doing extraordinarily well during a very rough time...our hearts are with you.</p>

<p>Next: yours is a tough situation...emotionally, financially and logistically...and I know this advice will be very hard to follow, but here it is anyway, for you to at least consider: you can't change your mom, who is also going through a very, very hard time. If you can, try to "suspend" your judgement of her...instead, try to cut her some slack...she may not be as supportive as you want/need her to be, but keep in mind she has a side to her story, too, which you may not understand just as much as she is apparently not understanding where you're coming from. She may be thinking you're not being supportive of her, too...kind of a vicious circle going on here...</p>

<p>Next, sit down and write out a plan. Figure on a need to plan your immediate future "on your own." (Then, if you do get some help/support, it will be a welcome surprise instead of a bitter setback.)</p>

<p>Your first task is to finish HS with as much of your track record of success intact as possible...then, figure on finding a place to live (your GF's, at least initially? but soon, as soon as you possibly can, your own independent place) and finding a job where you can earn as much money as possible. You do have a little bit of a "stake" (the $4500 in SS money), which will get you started. Talk to your college (you didn't say where you're planning to go...but in NY somewhere?) about financing your tuition/living expenses...it's very possible your college financial office people will work with you to figure out a "game plan."</p>

<p>You'll feel better once you switch over from resenting (no matter how justified you may be) your current situation to tackling the challenge of changing it. You'll feel very good about taking charge of your own life and plans, and that will help you figure out your relationship with your mother and brother. </p>

<p>It sounds as if each of the three of you is grieving in a way that makes it harder on the other two...it may be best to "separate yourself"--maybe physically but certainly emotionally--at least a bit. You will heal, and so will they. In the meantime, each of you has to get through this bad spot as best as you each individually can...once you get yourself out of that situation, you will remove the extra stress/pain of having to deal with two other people who are dealing with their own pain and stress in a way that makes it harder for you--and you will be helping them, too, by removing the pain & stress they are getting from you...it seems, from reading your post, that a big part of your turmoil is coming from expectations that simply are not going to be met--they are not going to meet your expectations, and you are not going to meet theirs. That's a "losing battle"...better to give up the expectations and focus on what you can do and have rather than resenting what you cannot do and have...</p>

<p>You might also consider finding a counselor--your minister/rabbi/priest? your doctor may be able to refer you to someone where cost won't be prohibitive?--having someone in your life who's a step removed from your pain-laden situation, and who has your best interests in mind could be hugely helpful--</p>

<p>Feel free to PM me if you just want to "etalk," and bounce ideas on what to do and how to do it off an adult who cares about what happens to you...</p>

<p>Good luck, legendofmax...we're rooting for you!</p>

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<p>legendofmax stated he's going to UPENN. I don't have a lot to add, just that if you can, try to find an adult somewhere in your life (relative, teacher, neighbor) that knows you and is rooting for you. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Max- my thoughts are with you. Do try to find an adult locally who can help, although if you are coming to us you must feel very lost. I don't agree with cutting your mother any slack right now- based on what you are posting (one side of the story, admittedly) you are not living in a healthy environment. At some point your mother might change her behavior and her attitude, but for now she is going to follow her own agenda. I hope you can find a job and settle in with your girlfriend's family. I know it is not ideal, but you are old enough to know that your home situation is not healthy for you. Please keep us posted and let us help however we can.</p>

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<p>Overanxious Mom has good advice. It is hard to see that others may be hurting too when to you, your mom appears to have moved on. However, we all do grieve in our own ways. I would strongly urge you to find a counselor. If you find one that takes your insurance the cost could be minimal. Your doctor or school counsellor can help you. Another resource - is there a Center for Grieving Children out your way? In my neck of the woods they offer services for families who have suffered loss. That could help get you started and will not cost you anything. </p>

<p>You have an exciting time coming up - graduation and the culmination of all of your hard work. You have so much to be proud of and I am sure your brother and mother are very proud of you as well. I suspect you don't feel any support or respect from mom and brother right now but I am sure it is there. Is it possible for you to try to extend the olive branch to your mom - do something nice for her, hard as it is...even just a card explaining that you understand you have all been through a lot but you need her support now. Do it in a thoughtful moment rather than in the heat of the battle. Then regroup, make the plan that OAM outlined. These final days of school are full of emotion and stress. </p>

<p>You have our cyber support. Hang in there...this too shall pass. YOu are a resourceful young man. You have to remind yourself you have always sorted through difficulty, and you will survive this too.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>legendofmax: I don't have much to add here, either, but if you are valedictorian of your h.s., I am sure you have teachers, a GC, and even the principal who are all very proud of you, support you, and, most likely, know you well. Talk to them. Did you not get much money from Penn (financial aid)? And although not ideal, you could possibly defer for one year, move out of your home, and get a job. You may not make a lot of money (enough to attend Penn), but doing so may make you 'independent' (emancipated?), and so your mother can't claim you as a dependent, and whether or not she marries won't then have any bearing on your financial aid situation. (I am clueless as to how all this might work, so check with someone who would know...but that's my suggestion.)</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I don't agree with cutting your mother any slack right now- based on what you are posting (one side of the story, admittedly) you are not living in a healthy environment.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I totally agree with this perspective. You might try to get a social worker, school counselor to help you. This sounds like a very rough situation to be in. Just keep in mind all of the successes in life you have had so far. You WILL get past this.</p>

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<p>Legendofmax: The death of a spouse is a severe trauma, but it does not excuse a parent from parenting. I agree with those who recommend seeking professional help from a social worker or your school counselor or principal. Your high school may even have a liaison with a social worker. You have achieved so much, and have already shown that you are smart and resilient. You deserve to have someone in your corner. Best of luck.</p>

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<p>legend, how old are you, (I may have missed that). First off, I would say our mother is probably grieving, but everybody handles things differently. she may look back at this in a few years and shiver at her behavior. but as for now, my question is this. you state there is social security she is going to give you. is she getting social security for you based on your father's death? If so, that money is intended for your support, not hers. Under no circumstances should you be coming home to a house with no food, and paying for your own. If this is the situation, she is obligated to provide social security with an accounting of how the money is spent. If this is the situation, I would place a call to social security and find out what can be done. She would be receiving a stipend monthly on your behalf, and your brothers. The thing I would do first, though, is call children and youth in your area. (it may go by a different name in your area). But your mother is neglecting you, and that is a crisis situation. This is an area I work in, so I can understand. yes, you would be reporting your mom for neglect. yes, it may be a slap in the face to wake her up. yes, it may estrange you, but she has obligations she is not fulfilling, and she needs to be made to do so. running away and living with a friend is not the answer. and your brother's physical abuse is very much cause for concern also. you need to call your local children and youth. and much congratulations on the penn admission. I think I would also talk to their financial aid people to see what you should do. do not believe people who say education is not important. it is vastly important unless you want to spend the rest of your life barely surviving. you apparently have a head on your shoulders, now you have to use it just to survive, which is so unfair. please call children and youth, explain what is going on, and LET THEM HELP YOU. your mother is accountable for her actions, and she needs to suffer the consequences of those bad actions, or she will never realize how she is treating you. I also speak from the side of receiving social security for my children from their father. I use it for their college, apartment they will need, etc. it is put away for them, I use a minimal amount for food or their cell phone bill on occassion. It is my responsibility to support them. end of story. I'll never forget an episode of ER where the physician told a child who was being neglected by his parent that parents are not always right. they are not supreme beings all knowledgeable and whatever they do it is alright. it isn't, and your mother is wrong. we all have obligations in this world, and she is shirking hers, especially by leaving you alone all night long and not providing food. please call children and youth</p>

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<p>Legend-- agree you need an adult outsider's perspective so get thee to the GC's office and get a referral to a social worker, grief counselor, or both. My community has several "free loan societies" which can come up with the money for a plane ticket to Philadelphia, help you out with expenses, etc. so go explore those-- a social worker will know about these resources. You may be needlessly stressing some relatively minor cash outlays. We ask that as soon as someone is back on their feet they repay the loans so we can help someone else... sounds to me like a good deal for you right now.</p>

<p>In the meanwhile... you're a great kid and you've got so much to be proud of. How about seeing your glass as half-full? It may help you get through the next few months.</p>

<p>Let's see-- you've got brains, ambition, a strong work ethic, and are healthy. You've got a supportive girlfriend, and are heading off to a top university. You'll arrive there much more resilient than the average freshman, since you've already dealt with loss, tragedy, family disruption, financial woes, etc. You are learning to go after what YOU want, even if you get minimal family support for those goals. You will find a way to honor your father's memory by being the best you can be.</p>

<p>Sounds to me like you've got a lot going for you. Get yourself some help; be it financial, practical, or just a kind-hearted neighbor who can buy you a tank of gas occasionally, and get yourself to Philly this August.</p>

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<p>Ahh I have so many things I wish to reply to, but I must get to school:</p>

<p>"legend, how old are you," 18 years old</p>

<p>"you state there is social security she is going to give you. is she getting social security for you based on your father's death? "</p>

<p>Yes. My brother and I are both getting 1500 a month but she has had me "sign off" on the checks so she can use them for our house payments. I've argued with her over this matter, saying that they are for my survival and not her usage. In response, "This house is your survival." Is it true that even though those Social Security checks are in my name, she can get control of them even without my signature? (This is what she told me).</p>

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<p>There are some very specific rules when it comes to SS benefits, especially after you turn 18. Go online. This is something YOU should research. If she is not going to pay for college, get yourself some legal advice. You can find it free with a child advocacy group.</p>

<p>I feel for you and know you will be fine. Protect yourself first.</p>

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<p>legendofmax, I agree with amith. You need help. As far as your SS checks, I don't think your mother has any claim to them, but I am no expert. Since you are 18 you should call the SS office and ask. Perhaps you can get the money sent to your own private PO box where your mother can't get into it. $1500 a month plus whatever you could earn at a PT job would be feasible to support yourself on your own....although certainly not a luxurious lifestyle.
I suspect both your mother and brother are a bit jealous of your brains and that could be the reason for some of the behavior.
Good luck to you. With all the cr*p you're dealing with you will certainly go to school with an advantage in the I-had-to-grow-up-early department over most of the other students. :)</p>

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<p>Wow, legend what a problem. I also think that you should talk to your guidance counselor or others as suggested above. You definately need to talk to someone (and also someone who can advise you about the social security checks). My husband was in a very similar situation as yours except his mom did provide food etc. He did give her his social security checks too because his dad didn't leave them with enough money to survive. He had to go to a community college & then he transferred to a state school. It was very tough. His mother also favored his younger brother & he went to a good college & then finally on to med school. It was probably more heartbreaking for me to see that she did favor this son, but because he was younger maybe she also felt bad about him because he no longer had a father?</p>

<p>Also, one other thing to consider. Some families are very ambivalent when they have someone who wants a better life than they have. They are afraid. I know this makes no sense, but it may make them feel bad about themselves because it makes them take a look at themselves. All of us want to be successful (different levels of course) and sometimes things just happened. My parents would not pay for me to go to school because all the college grads they knew acted like they were better than them! I also was a girl so why would you waste money on an education for a girl who will get married and have kids. Ridiculous reasons? Yes, and they now can see how a college education would have helped my sister & I (I did go to a comm college & took about everything they offered, but never graduated).</p>

<p>One other thing to keep in mind - many of the most successful people have been in a similar situation as you and are MUCH stronger because of it. The key is learning how to do it successfully. Anger & bitterness will keep you down so don't let those feelings win out. Talking to someone will definately help you process what you are dealing with will be valuable (not your friends because they don't have the experience a counselor has). </p>

<p>While I totally agree that your mother is NOT being a parent I am not sure that you should cut her out of your life or report her to the authorities. However, if she will not be taking care of your brother when you leave that is another story. Think about this not only does your father pass away, but you are leaving her too. Yes, as a mother I have been preparing my son for this time in his life, but at the same time I am grieving too at the loss of him in my life. I have healthy people around me that I can discuss my feelings with and your mother might not (I would more than likely say NOT since she is doing what she is).</p>

<p>Good luck & please know that our thoughts are with you. Let us know how you make out.</p>

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<p>Hi Max,</p>

<p>I am so sorry to read about your situation. Even though the checks are in your name, they are not "your' checks as your mother is your custodial parent and the monies are to be used for your support (food, clothing, medical , education, etc.) . Since you have turned 18 the payments will soon stop making all of this a moot point. Don't invest anymore time fighting over this.</p>

<p>I do wish that the 2 of you could find some sort of happy medium in all that is going on.</p>

<p>I really have nothing new to add other than to keep reminding you don't let what is going on at this time of your life define who you are and the future which you have carved out for your self. You cannot change your mother, you can only change how you deal with her. while you are less than happy with the way she is living her life at this moment, unsless she makes up her mind to change, there is nothing you can do about it.</p>

<p>This may sound really harsh but sometimes you may have to walk away from things. You are in a very dysfunctional situation, and if you don't take care of your self you won't be any good to your brother. For the moment you need to stay focused on finishing school, take your girlfriend and her family up on their offer to put you up but work out a plan as far as what you are going to do to carry your own weight. If living this living situation, helps you in getting a job find one asap, so that you can start banking money and work on being self sufficient.</p>

<p>Even though you don't meet the general criteria for being an independent student, I found the following.</p>

<p><a href="http://studentaid.ed.gov/students/publications/student_guide/2004_2005/english/general-dependency.htm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://studentaid.ed.gov/students/publications/student_guide/2004_2005/english/general-dependency.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>*In unusual cases, an aid administrator can determine that a student who doesn’t meet the above criteria should still be treated as an independent student. The financial aid administrator can change your dependency status from dependent to independent based on adequate documentation of your special circumstances that you must provide. But, the aid administrator won’t automatically do this. The decision is based on the aid administrator’s judgment and is final—you can’t appeal that decision to us. *</p>

<p>You should definitely speak with your guidance counselor at school, or social worker fully disclose your situation and see if they could advocate for you regarding the financial aid situation.</p>

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<p>Ouch, my heart hurts for you.</p>

<p>You've gotten some good advice here.</p>

<p>I have one more suggestion for how you may wish to deal with your mother. To take some emotion out of your dealings with her, try doing it based on facts. You've got a vague notion that it wouldn't be worth it for you to work to support yourself while living in your family, and I believe that. But without facts, she can dismiss it, wave it away, make some proclamation about your age and responsibility. </p>

<p>You can dispute that with facts. Draw up a schedule showing the hours you are in school, and the time you spend driving your brother around, taking care of household stuff and studying. Look at the remaining time and apportion a reasonable amount for part-time work (figuring in your commute time, too). Find the going rate of a local restaurant or retail store and do the math. Show her how much you could reasonably earn. Remember to take out some for taxes.</p>

<p>Then show her the expenses you are incurring. Gas for the car--to get to school, to get to your job, etc. Food at school. Groceries for home. Insurance for the car (if she's not paying). Etc. </p>

<p>Maybe it won't convince her (she may prefer irrationality), but you will know you are right and you've done your best. It sort of puts you on higher moral ground and that can be reassuring. She's not fighting you, she's fighting reality, which is disturbing but not as personal. </p>

<p>And should you end up cutting ties with your family--which might end up being your best option--you'll already have a head start on what it's like to assess your needs and your budget. </p>

<p>As others have said, you're not alone. There are people out there who care about you. I also don't believe that UPenn will hang you out to dry.</p>

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<p>One thing I forgot to mention. Make sure you seek out counseling when you get to college. I have no idea about Penn's services, but at every school my son & I attended all offered it (for free). If the college knows your situation this year then they might be a lot more sympathetic to your fin aid package next year. Good luck:)</p>

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<p>You are getting a lot of good advice and different perspectives. In the final analysis, none of us can really answer some of these tough questions for you. We can see that based on the facts you provided us, your mother is neglecting her responsibilities and duties as a parent. From what you have told us, it appears she may feel her responsibilities, at least financial, end at age 18. She may feel this way b/c of your dad's death or maybe she felt this way always. Some parents think that 18 is a magic number for financial responsibility; most of us on CC, do not. </p>

<p>There are several levels of neglect and destruction: financial and emotional. In my comments I have made an assumption that you should try to preserve (or at least seek professional guidance on whether to preserve or sever) your family connection, albeit in a way that is healthy and works for you. That may not be the case and I defer to professionals who can help you sort through this situation by teasing out more detail than is possible in this setting. </p>

<p>I think the common theme of posters is you have much to be proud of both in your academic achievements and in your survival/coping skills during this most stressful year. You will have to live with your relationship with your mother and brother (in whatever form that will take) so you really should, at the very least, take the advice of many posters to get an adult/professional perspective on this.</p>

<p>I have no doubt you will come out on the other end a stronger person. Hang in there.</p>

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<p>You have gotten lots of good advice so far but I have not seen any mention of other adults in your life, perhaps I missed that. Any aunts or uncles on your father's side? If not, perhaps he had a good friend or trusted co-worker or boss? Even though you are an adult for legal purposes, this is way beyond something you should deal with alone. If all else fails, graduate and get out seems to be the best answer. Don't be afraid to ask for help from schools, social work groups, parents of friends and family. We all need a safety net of people who care. You may have to build your own. Perhaps, time will heal your family rift, but that doesn't always happen and that can be ok. Family is about more than blood. You can make your own. Stay strong, this will pass.</p>