I just can't make friends at my new college, advice?

College Life
1

I have been at my college now for three weeks, and to be perfectly honest it hasn’t been the funnest. I thought it would be easy to make friends and hangout with people, but I’ve come to this harsh realization that, as a transfer student, it is almost impossible for me to make friends. My “dream school” or whatever…well, at this point I wish it was just a dream.

I have three roommates, all of which are at most acquaintances. One of them is foreign and keeps to himself most of the time, the other one goes to the community center pretty much all day and just plays video games (I’ve tried to jump in with the conversations about the video games, etc but they all just seem to ignore me and continue talking among themselves), and my other roommate who I THOUGHT was friend, went off to a party last night with one of his other friends and didn’t even bother asking me to go. Honestly, that fucking hurt because a few nights back we were (sort of) drunk and we had a blast doing stuff together. Makes absolutely no sense. I met a couple of cool guys a few nights back too, but of course, when I saw them again on campus they didn’t even bother to acknowledge me and just passed on by.

I didn’t even bother to invite myself to that party (or wherever the hell they went) because I would have just made an ass out of myself and would have probably sounded pathetic. I don’t know if i’m being paranoid but since they’re foreign, they talk to each other in a different language - this makes me think they were talking about me at one point without me being able to interpret, so they could have said something like “Yo dude are you going to invite your roommate? Please don’t ffs” or something, I don’t know.

Anyway, I’ve tried to make conversation with people but they just brush me off or ignore me. Honestly, I really do feel like because I’ve spent so much time alone these past few years, it has FINALLY caught up with me and I’m unable to make conversation with people. I’m not going to lie, talking to new people is a daunting task for me at times - it doesn’t even feel like a conversation, more so a game of 21 questions.

It just seems like everyone has established his/her groups by now and I’m pretty much just left out. I thought I had something going on with my roommate, but of course, he was drunk that one night and I was too, so it was probably all just an act.

I feel unwanted and pretty alone. I -do- dress a bit odd, I prefer not to wear preppy clothes, and my taste in music is kinda different from the typical norm around here which is rap music . I always try to look and smell nice, so I don’t know what is so unappealing about me.

I -want-, WANT to connect with people so goddamn badly and make good friends here, but it’s just so fucking difficult for me to do so. Apparently I’m able to transfer back to my original community college at some point and take classes there, and then transfer BACK HERE at some point in the future…or perhaps at another college closer to home. I REALLY, REALLY do not want to do that, because I was hoping to make good friends here, but if it turns out things don’t get better I very well may consider it - at least my loyal and honest friends would be back home.

May I note this college is roughly 4 hours away from home, so perhaps if I had chosen a college closer to home (where people I know of are at), this would have been different. I chose this college because of its beefy IT program, and the fact that its near the beach. Still, regardless of that, this hasn’t been fun and I don’t know what to do.

My social skills have plummeted it seems like - I always have to scramble words to say and I’m constantly paranoid about them thinking i’m boring or whatever. Lately I just go to class, eat back at the apartment, sleep, listen to jazzy post punk and repeat. Not fun at all. So in all reality I’m pretty much set up to do what I did for 2 years at my community college.

I’m quite depressed, and it feels like I can’t connect with a single soul here. I’ve thought of joining clubs, but unfortunately my schedule is a bear this semester so I don’t see how it will work. Plus, most of them are frat related which pose no interest for me.

*Yes, I posted a similar question not too long ago, but it was in the wrong forum. Any advice, tips, suggestions?

2

There have been a multitude of these kinds of questions here over the past few weeks, so know that you’re not alone. The commonly given advice boils down to this:

  • Get involved -- friends come from repeated exposure, whether in class or in clubs or in volunteering or whatever. It takes getting to know someone to be close, right?
  • Give it time -- three weeks is probably less than 20% of the semester and a drop in the bucket of the two(?) years you have left. There is time, and making friends takes time.

Also feel free to message me if you want to chat. Junior at Penn State in ChemE.

**Edited to add: if you feel really down, like self-destructively down, go check out your school’s counseling services.

3

Get involved in clubs and activities! you will find people there with similar backgrounds and interests!

4

Agree^^^
Read all of the posts here on CCC about people having a difficult time connecting.
You are trying to force something that will come with time. True friends are worth the wait.
No, you are not weird or different. You are being human and all of the self-doubt you are experiencing now, is happening thousands of times across our country.

My dd had a really hard time initially making friends. She was very popular in high school.
Her roommates were “roommates”. They had nothing in common. Being that we are from a So Cal area town, they expected her to be “like a surfer, ya know?” She was miserable because she wasn’t a partier and didn’t have anything in common with a number of people. We were miserable as well. We take advantage of all of this alone time by studying and going to the tutors for the courses.

She finally made good friends when she:

  1. went to tutoring
  2. volunteered
  3. frequented the commuter student commons.

In the tutoring sessions, she met classmates and the GA. A number of her classmates were having difficulty meeting people. The result was her meeting a number of classmates in her major and getting a really good GPA.

In volunteering, she met like-minded students who believed in her causes.

In the commuter commons, she discovered a really good coffee shop and really kind classmates. People were willing to share tables, meals and conversations. There were a number of professors who got coffee there. She met connections for jobs there.

She graduated this June with a boatload of good friends. She never saw those first roommates after the first year.

You got this. You can do this!

PM me if you have any questions.

5

Check out this post: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1808143-having-trouble-adjusting-to-college-making-friends-top-10-things-to-do-p1.html

6

Adult here. The OP is going to need to look beyond his roommates for friends. Also, it’s quite possible that someone can like you and enjoy going out with you, and yet on another night or most nights they want to go out with another friend. I had friends in college that I liked but didn’t want to hang out with all the time or even very much. I still keep up with many of them. You’ve got to avoid the tendency that someone who is lonely sometimes has of finding a friend and wanting to latch on.

I’m not sure what dressing differently from everyone else means. I know what preppy is. But dressing differently to the point of looking odd can certainly create some distance and make things harder.

Concentrate on being a good student. Get out of your room to study. Attend various campus enrichment events such as special lectures, plays, concerts, etc.; don’t worry about going by yourself. I often did. Hopefully your activity will give you exposure to people that will enable you to create some friendships on varying levels, from casual friendship to closer friends. Just try not to rush it.

FWIW, even people who seem like everything is going great often have feelings of loneliness.

7

You’re still looking for your tribe. That tribe does exist at the university you are currently attending. But to throw in another analogy, sometimes you have to try on a few pairs of shoes in order to find a pair that fits. And it’s the same way with making friends. So if you opt to disengage from the community, then it’s going to be really hard to find your tribe.

A couple of things to try if you haven’t tried them already:

  1. Prop your door open when you’re in your dorm room (assuming the campus rules allow that).
  2. Study in a common room instead of studying alone in your room the whole time.
  3. When you study in the common room, bring snacks to share. Even if people aren’t going to study with you, they will notice your food. You offer them some and this strikes up a conversation.
  4. Buy/make cookies & walk around the residence hall sharing them. I did this a few times in the dorms in college and having a “prop” like that was surprisingly effective as an ice-breaker. For example, one time my grandmother had sent an enormous amount of homemade cookies and I shared it with everybody on my hall. I ended up meeting a whole bunch of people who I hadn’t talked to much before and, as a result, ended up with more options in terms of people to hang out with, people to go to the dining hall with, people to have fun with, etc.
  5. Start a study group in 1 or more of your classes, especially if you are a science/engineering major. same applies to if you have a hard math class.
  6. Talk to your RA. That’s what they are there for.
  7. If you were raised in a certain religious faith/practice, I bet that there is a group/club on campus for that particular religion. For example, campus Hillel groups will often have a Friday night Shabbat dinner. The Muslim student organization might meet weekly for social events. Christian groups will meet on campus for various activities…often on Friday/Saturday evenings in case you want a regular weekly “thing” to do with people that doesn’t involve heavy partying. Similarly for Buddhism & a plethora of other religions.

Also, something to consider from my outsider’s point of view…
Just because someone speaks a foreign language around you doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is talking about you or saying mean things about you.

MOST college students do not end up to be best buddies with their roommates. They might start freshman year off that way, but branch off to find their own tribes. Plus, sometimes living in a close confined space with another person for months at a time can be trying and it’s ok for you or your roommate to need some ‘breathing room’ sometimes. Try not to take it personally.

You should also try to consider that what you’re going through is kind of a metaphor for how you want to live your life. Don’t throw in the towel and leave right away when things are a bit hard or when you run into a bump in the road socially. It only means that for whatever reason, you didn’t click with your suitemates/roommates. If you’re living in a campus apartment and not a residence hall, then that might be part of the problem. You need to put yourself in situations in which you will run into people.

Pick ONE OR 2 THINGS to try each week. Heck, if breaking the ice & making conversation with people is really hard for you, then you should join Toastmasters on campus (if there’s one at your school). You’ll end up learning a very valuable skill (public speaking) that will also help you schmooze & network with people. Also helps with job interviewing skills.

8

Both of my elder two struggled with this as well, even when knowing HS friends at the college. Those people were doing other things. Which was getting involved in something instead of just wandering around, spinning in circles, saying hi to people who walked on by. Finally they decided to try a club. For one, it worked out perfect on the first go. For the other, while she met people and it was better, through that club, she discovered another and it made all the difference in the world. That put her in contact with other people, that developed friendships naturally over time through their projects. The party scene is not where I would be looking to find your best friends or lasting love (no one is themselves when drinking.
My youngest, who is a freshman, saw this first hand and already knows one club he wants to join and is looking into maybe some others he would enjoy. Their club fair is next week.
When your school has their club fair, go visit. If they don’t have a club fair, then they have a website that lists every club. Get busy looking.
It is hard to get out of our comfort zone but do it. If none of them knock your socks off, pick one anyway. You never know what could happen or where it might lead you next. You don’t know what is out there until you get out there and make something happen instead of waiting for it to happen to you.
Good Luck!!! You can do this.

9

All of the advice above is so good…all I can do here is validate your feelings…my kid made a million friends last year (as a freshman)…this year (as an upperclassman) zero/zilch/not one…and she’s an outgoing kid! I really think colleges need to think more about this…they encourage transfers but i wonder if they’re thinking enough about how transfers will fit in…it’s really really hard to break through when most folks have already segmented off.

10

Thank you for all the answers, guys. I appreciate it.

I’m going to do what (the majority) of the people here said to do - join a club. I love writing and playing music, so I’m going to definitely try and join some sort of music club.

11

^^^Yes! In addition to clubs, look on bulletin boards to see if any groups are looking for fellow musicians. Also, if you post your music online, make sure your bio includes your current school.

Look on your school’s music department’s web page and check out the bios of people in the department. If there’s a prof who seems likely to appreciate your kind of music, drop him an email and ask about the local community (as well as telling him a bit about yourself).

Love your avatar.

12

First step would be to breathe. While it always seems like everyone else is having more fun than you and doesn’t have a care in the world, your feelings are actually incredibly common. I think social media has been a factor, because you always see what looks like everyone else having a grand old time and think you’re a boring loser, but the reality is everything on social media is wildly exaggerated.

Even as a freshman with decent social skills, it took me an entire semester to start to find friends I really gelled with. I am going to join the party and HIGHLY recommend clubs as a way to meet friends. Easiest thing in the world because a.) you already have common interests with everyone and b.) you don’t have to stress about making plans/not being invited; it probably meets regularly at a publicized time. Try a few out and see which ones stick. There are major-based clubs, interest based (I’d bet you have a video game club or something similar), school-based (work to plan campus events, student government, admissions, etc.)… I bet you’d find at least one or two you really enjoy.

Reach out in your classes to see if people want to study after class, or pick a group project partner who seems cool. Though I’ve actually never made any very close friends in my classes, the vast majority of my friends have.

As far as your roommate who you “thought” was your friend… They probably are. I have a handful of best friends in the entire world and am not always included in the plans. Often, there are good reasons for doing so-- perhaps they don’t know the host of the party and wouldn’t feel comfortable asking to bring a guest as a guest. Maybe they know it will involve people or activities I don’t like. Maybe the plans just happened so spontaneously they didn’t have time to invite others. Sometimes, you just want to hangout with a different group for a little. Other times, you might genuinely forget. If possible, don’t be afraid to press. “You know of anything going on tonight?” or “You mind if I tag along?”. Don’t stress if they say no, but ask a few times over the course of time. If they do take you somewhere or seem bothered at all, feel free to say to them “I really don’t mean to be a pain, and I’m sorry if I’ve seemed clingy-- I just don’t know that many people yet and you and your friends are always a good time. Let me know if you ever need a break from me or anything, but I really appreciate you letting me hang.” For what it’s worth, I made one of my best friends in the world this way. He didn’t really have a “group”, but we liked hanging out so he would sometimes push to ask if he could come with me and my other friends, to our parties, whatever-- and now we’re all good friends. So it’s not a crazy ideal.

13

Thanks for the replies (yet again). We’ll see how this goes.

Haha thanks Otterma! I love it as well, always makes me smile.

You’re right nova, completely agreed. I never thought of it like that. I think they just like doing their own thing with their own friends or w/e. Honestly it’s fine, I can’t expect them to have me tag along all the time.

I’m just going to join that club and see where it goes from there. Wish me luck!

14

BTW SouthernHope, I’m 100% with you on that. When I attended preview, I was so hopeful that it would be slightly easier to make friends/join a group or whatever. I wish they made the transition easier honestly.