I just can't seem to make any friends

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>In high school I had plenty of friends and I didn't have any trouble making new ones either. Every weekend I'd have something to do, whether it was going to parties or just hanging out with people; I was never really alone. College time rolled around and instead of going to the university that all my friends were going to, I opted to go far away to a small private school as I was recruited to play a sport.</p>

<p>I just can't seem to make any friends here at my college. I'm pretty cool with my roommate, but his friends don't seem to like me very much and they never invite me to parties, places, or even down to the dining hall with them. Everybody here seems to be from the surrounding area or within the state and to know each other. They're cliquey too, making it extremely hard to try and squeeze myself into activities or conversations. Making friends during class is near impossible; I don't want to be a disruption during a lecture. When I try to start conversations with people, they don't seem very interested and just kind of ignore me. And you'd think my new teammates would have open arms, but they're the same as mentioned above. Clubs are out of the question as I'm taking 18 hours of class a week, have tons of homework, and fall practice is about to begin.</p>

<p>I do dress a bit different (I'm kind of a preppy dresser) and my taste in music seems to be very different, but other than that I'm completely normal. I am by no means a "weird" kid, so I have no idea what's so unappealing about me.</p>

<p>I've stopped going to the dining hall and pretty much eating all together since I hate sitting by myself. After class I just study, do homework, and sleep all day. I never really leave my dorm now since there's nothing to do on this small campus and I don't have a car. Everybody leaves on the weekends to go home or to the larger surrounding colleges for parties, making this place a ghost town. </p>

<p>I've entertained the idea of transferring to the university all my friends are at next semester, but my mom insist that I stay here to play sports at the collegiate level and because of the good science program, but I'm not sure I can stand this much longer. </p>

<p>I feel hopeless, alone, and different; like an outcast. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss having someone to talk to. I feel like I'm missing out on the whole "college" experience. My friends are having the times of their lives while I'm here in an unfamiliar place, alone.</p>

<p>I guess what I'm looking for is guidance or help. What would you guys do in my situation? Should I transfer? Or should I just stick through it?</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

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<p>Sorry you are having a difficult time, just remember you have just arrived. Give it time, things will get better. Instead of avoiding the dining hall, once you have your tray, look around and find somebody else that is sitting alone and go sit at their table and make some small talk. Trust me, you are not the only one that is feeling like you do. You can try the same thing at a coffee shop, library, eatery, etc.</p>

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<p>Don’t do this.</p>

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<p>Yeah I agree. I don’t think that’s a progressive step in forming a social life in a new place. I’m trying to become friends with people who already have friends so that I can form a network. </p>

<p>Most of the people who sit by themselves are the “weird” kids too. I know I sound stuck up, but that’s social suicide associating with them.</p>

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<p>You express yourself well! </p>

<p>As a mom, I’m concerned about your giving up eating, and just going to classes, doing homework and sleeping all day. Excessive sleep can be a sign of depression, and sometimes the more you sleep, the more lethargic you feel. If your problems seem to get worse before they get better, talking to someone at student health services might be a good idea.</p>

<p>You can know that you are not alone based on similar threads on the College Life forum.</p>

<p>I would expect your teammates to have open arms, as you suggested. Perhaps as practice hasn’t yet started, you will make friends with your teammates once you see them more often.</p>

<p>I wonder why you are taking 18 hours of classes, particularly if you are a first-semester freshman, as it seems. That would seem to be a heavy load, particularly for an athlete. Might it be possible to drop a class so you don’t feel such a heavy homework burden?</p>

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<p>join a club! eat with random people at your dining hall. join another club. go to a party. yeah. that’s all i got</p>

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<p>I felt like this until the weekend came. I went to a few parties made a good amount of friends, got laid, and realized I’m still (and will probably always be) an introvert. Just go somewhere…</p>

<p>And although it is true that many people who sit alone may be ‘weird’ or antisocial there are many cases where they are just new, just like you. So don’t ignore the advice of sitting with people who are by themselves. Unless they’re like me, who just like to eat alone lol</p>

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<p>Social suicide? ***…</p>

<p>That sounds like a concept from high school, or something that applies only to really immature people. If anyone judges you that strongly based on the fact that you simply associate with a weirdo, they’re probably not worth your time anyways.</p>

<p>Remember: friends are for you, not for others. A friendship is a mutually beneficial relationship which both sides support each other and make each others’ lives better. </p>

<p>In fact, some of the most popular people I know associate with basically everyone, not just the cool people. That’s why they’re popular in the first place.</p>

<p>As for difficulty making friends: well, in high school, others probably put in the effort to be friends with you because they don’t have that many other friends. In a new environment where people already have friends, you need to put out the effort to make the friendship happen because others don’t really care.</p>

<p>That means: even if a person already has other friends, you should be friendly to them, seek them out, talk to them, etc. If you were with a group of friends and someone nicely introduces themselves, what would you do?</p>

<p>A.) Consider that person annoying and turn them down.
B.) Look at it as an opportunity to make a new friend.</p>

<p>I bet that you’d choose B. Yet, many people assume that everyone who’s not themselves would choose A. In either case, even if they did choose A, you’re in the same place as before. :)</p>

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<p>I also eat alone at the dining hall. Don’t really appreciate this guy calling me “weird,” but whatever. He’s the one who joined a forum just to post his personal sob story.</p>

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<p>Bring a magazine or newspaper to the dining hall and read while you eat. I had an odd class schedule freshmen year and rarely could eat with my friends. My school has free papers so I would grab one in the morning, eat and carry it around in case I didn’t see a friend in the dining hall. I ate when I wanted to eat, as opposed to when my friends wanted to go. I ate with friends about half the time, I’m not self conscious enough to care about who I am eating with, as I have a diverse group of friends. </p>

<p>If you’re stuck at a commuter school/dead on the weekends, and it’s actually dead and you just not having a group of friends yet, think about transferring. Making friends takes time, I’m guessing when your sport starts up you’ll have a chance to jump in with those guys. Think about rushing. It took me a semester to find my current group of friends, and I met new people soph year too.</p>

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<p>Schokolade–Thanks for the compliment! I make a 600 calorie protein shake a couple of times a day to combat malnutrition, but I guess I’ll bring my laptop down to the dining hall from now on and get on facebook or something while I’m eating.</p>

<p>As for the 18 hours of classes, I have a couple labs a week that are 2 hours each as well as a class that is “recommended” that I go to if I want to pass the class but don’t get credit for. Meaning: attend if you want to pass. Thanks for the help.</p>

<p>HSjuniorgirl–I’m working towards joining an “Athletic & Fitness club” as well as a photography club. I’ve always had an interest in photography. Hopefully they’ll both fit into my schedule, but thank you for the suggestion.</p>

<p>excelblue–In high school I associated myself with a lot of people. I have friends who are jocks, geeks, nerds, metalheads, potheads, band geeks, choir geeks, more “labels” than you can shake a stick at, and I have friends that are considered a little quirky, but the people who I’ve seen in the dining hall eating alone are either: a) graduate students who seem very busy, or b) someone who I’m sure I don’t share any common interest with. I’ve already talked to one of these “b” kids and lets just say world of warcraft is not my thing.</p>

<p>Fl0rida–I’m trying to go somewhere, anywhere, but I can’t seem to bum any rides off anybody. My roommate finally offered me a ride in a car to a party at a larger University next weekend. This is what I’ve been waiting for. I thrive in a “party” setting. Wish me luck.</p>

<p>I guess I’ll just have to get used to eating alone. I have a huge immediate family and back home, meals were gatherings where people would talk about their day and stuff. It was more than just eating, it was socializing. It’s how I was raised, what can i say?</p>

<p>panic–It was wrong of me to generalize. It is true that not everyone who eats in their college dining hall is anti-social and/or weird, so for that I apologize. I didn’t think anyone would take that statement to heart. </p>

<p>tiff90–Yeah hopefully practice will break a few social barriers with my teammates. And it’s not that I’m self conscious, I am a tad bit I must admit, but eating alone isn’t something I’m comfortable with for reasons stated above.</p>

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<p>Hang in there. It’s hard to figure out how much of this is due to the transition of being in a new environment and how much of this may be due to a bad fit with the college.</p>

<p>Give yourself a bit more time to get into the swing of things. If you feel the same way in October, then consider sending out a few transfer applications for the fall of 2011. Sometimes just knowing that you have a backup plan in place if your current situation doesn’t improve is a good thing. </p>

<p>My son quickly discovered that his original “dream” college wasn’t what he had hoped for in a college experience. He sent out transfer applications by Thanksgiving of his freshman year for the following academic year. In the meantime, he really tried to make it work at the school. By the middle of his Spring semester freshman year, he was positive that he wanted to transfer. Having transfer options firmly in place took a lot of the stress off of him.</p>

<p>He transferred to another school for his sophomore year. For him, it was a great move. The campus environment was totally different (he transferred from a private college with just under 3,000 students to a public university with around 5700 students). He absolutely loved his transfer college. He’s since graduated and has moved on to a new grad school.</p>

<p>Give your current school a little more time. If you still don’t like it there, send out transfer applications so you will have options for the Fall of 2011. You may end up loving your current school by then. However, if you find that it is indeed a bad fit, you will have the backup plan to fall back on for the following academic year.</p>

<p>You may want to consider visiting the counseling center at your college. It’s reassuring to have somebody (anybody) to discuss your feelings and thoughts. Don’t feel funny about going there–trust me, you’re not the only kid dealing with similar transition issues. They are trained to help kids sort out these kinds of feelings.</p>

<p>Make sure you eat. Denying yourself the opportunity to eat is a bit like self-punishment don’t your think? Bring a book or a laptop if you feel a little strange eating by yourself. The important thing is to keep yourself physically and emotionally healthy. Don’t dismiss the idea of sitting near another person who happens to be eating by himself/herself. Take a chance. Sit near them and then strike up a random conversation. He/she may not be as weird as you imagine them to be. </p>

<p>Keep your family informed about your feelings. Try to focus on the positives. Look for at least one positive new thing each day.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry, I was going to try and help, but I can’t get past “social suicide.” If you are so needy that you refuse to eat if you have to eat alone, but so stuck up that you are still using terms like “social suicide,” there is no helping you.</p>

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<p>this is college bro. sometimes, the people who sit alone sit alone because their friends have class during that time. not everyone has the same schedule.</p>

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<p>Don’t make such a big thing about it. Focus on the work, that keeps things in perspective since that’s why you are there to begin with. You were not sent to college to socialise, you were sent there to wreck the damn grade curve, now stop whining and get back to work.</p>

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<p>nysmile–That’s pretty much the same situation I’m in. My school has just under 3,000 students. More around 2,500 actually. Your post helped a lot. If by Thanksgiving things don’t get better, then I’ll start filling out transfer papers.</p>

<p>Not eating does seem like I’m punishing myself, but I’m not starving myself. Four 600 calorie protein shakes a day keep me going pretty well, but steak and potatoes would be a lot more enjoyable. </p>

<p>Emaheevul07–I don’t get why some people are completely thrown off and offended by this term. There are things you just don’t do in a social environment. That’s all it means. I had no intention for this term to be interpreted in its full context, meaning that if I’d sit and eat with another person who was “off”, that it would destroy my entire social life forever. </p>

<p>For a moment, I thought about typing a quick summary of the type of person you are and judge you from the few words you’ve typed, but I realized that you actually have no idea who I am as a person. If you knew me, you’d take that term “social suicide” with a grain of salt. Probably even laugh about it. I laugh at stuff like that because I’ve faced a bunch of social problems growing up, but have overcome them and can laugh about it now. I do have depression, anxiety, and ADD which, if you don’t know, don’t exactly make it easy to make friends. But that’s in the past. Now I’m just trying to start out on the right foot and if that means sitting with the “weird” kid, then I guess I’ll give it a shot.</p>

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<p>iliketolax (sic) - we do not know you, we are on the internet. One must consider the medium in which one writes when choosing words. If it were me, I would have iterated the symptoms and observations in an objective manner as possible; hysterics do not tend to help.</p>

<p>As for protein shakes, make sure that there are no nasty preservatives in them; I have one shake per day to supplement my protein intake, it is plant protein that has been certified organic. Your biggest worry at this point would be vitamins A, C, and E, and fibre.</p>

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<p>Vanagandr–I’m not sure why you felt the need to include (sic). My username is obviously spelled differently/unusual, but whatever. Although, it did make you seem more intelligent. </p>

<p>“One must consider the medium in which one writes when choosing words.” Okay. I had no idea people would be that sensitive towards that term. I had actually heard the term used by a stand up comedian. The audience laughed. I thought it was funny. And believe me, I’m well aware that we are on the internet, because the last place I thought that term would be taken in offense would be an online discussion board.</p>

<p>As for protein shakes, I know. It’s organic whey. I add BCAA’s. I add Multivitamin/vegetable compound. I then add water or skim milk and there you go. Protein shake. Thank you for your concern though.</p>

<p>We are far off topic though. So far I got:
-Bring book, laptop, homework, etc. to keep me occupied during meals.
-Not everybody who sits alone is “weird”.
-Go to parties. (I like this one the most)
-Fill out transfer papers early, just in case.
-Join clubs
-Focus on school
-Focus on positives
Well, I think that’s all I need. Thanks guys!</p>

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<p>iliketolax, In the meantime, excel in the classroom. Make connections with some professors.
You’ll need professor recommendations if you decide to send out transfer applications.</p>

<p>PS–That kid in the dining hall that you consider to be “weird” might be a kid who feels trapped in the same situation as you. I’m sure if someone new decided to sit near you and attempted to strike up a conversation, you would welcome the interaction. So, give it a try.</p>

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<p>iliketolax - Again: medium and word choice. The stand-up comic used the phrase within a certain context and got one reaction, you wrote it and got another; 93% of communication is contextual.</p>