<p>Promtpt:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?" </p>
<p>Throughout my life my parents have emphasized the impact that family has on one’s life and how our forebears, whether near or far, shape us in ways we could never guess. The punch line of this lecture is always the same: India, where each generation of my family, before me, was born. Up until my sophomore year I had never met my family in India. They called occasionally but I the language barrier made each attempt at connection a bunch of gibberish to me.
This all changed during the summer prior to my junior year, when my parents forced me to go on their annual trip to India with them so I could finally meet the family. One of the main points of this trip was to have me work with my grandfather, the mayor of Calcutta... I was to work in sales the entire summer to contribute to my grandfather’s philanthropic project of sending underprivileged Muslims to Hajj, the pilgrimage to the city of Makkah required of all Muslims... I reluctantly agreed to help out, mostly because I was stuck with my grandfather and there was nothing else to do. However during my trips to the store, I began to see, really see, the overwhelming poverty around me. There were more beggars than buildings. Masses of people were in terrible condition, malnourished, with hardly a shred of clothing. Yet in the midst of such terrible circumstances, I witnessed again and again a faith in God beyond comprehension. . The strength of their faith was the greatest motivating factor I could have asked for. So many of these people will never experience Hajj, one of the most joyous parts of being Muslim, just because they don’t have the money; and there are much less deserving people who go just to prove their religiosity to the world.
I started working extra hours at the store, and even got another job at my uncle’s motorcycle shop. My job was just to help out with American tourists because I spoke English a lot better than most of the other workers. Although I started the summer counting the minutes until I could come home, I never worked so hard in my life. I thought I worked so hard that I had enough money to send the entire country of India to Hajj. In the end, though, my earnings added up to around 30,000 rupees which turns into roughly 700 U.S. dollars! I was pretty disappointed with myself because in 3 months I made enough only to send one person to Hajj. My Grandfather could send 10 times as many people to Hajj with a snap of his finger! But he said he was proud of me and I knew he meant it. In the end I was proud of what I did too, even though it was not much in monetary terms. I learned a lot over my three months but the main lesson I grasped was that feeling sorry for someone in an unfortunate circumstance does not do anything… you have to actually spend time and energy to make a real difference in someone’s life. That’s why I plan on going back during the summer after I graduate to hopefully make an even bigger impact.</p>
<p>PLease give me some honest feedback and let me know if there is anything i need to correct or anything i can do to make it better</p>
<p>did i post this in the wrong section usually i get atleast one response</p>
<p>Don’t start an essay with “throughout my life” - that sounds weak and generic. If I’m an adcom reading through hundreds of essays each day I’m going to loose interest easily so start with something more exciting. Also show and don’t tell. A good essay won’t need an ending like yours that explains what you learned. Until you get past this, your essay will be just another essay in a vast applicant pool.</p>
<p>thanks howdoudo989, i will definantley try and do that, do you think i should add a specific example of the poverty i saw and how that example effected me. Also should i take out what i learned entirley or shorten that part</p>
<p>I think your essay is more about the redeeming, transforming qualities of faith rather than poverty – poverty just provides some framework and a bit of a setup of the more profound observations that follow. I agree with the “show” not “tell.” Some suggestions:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Tread lightly on the poverty: one or two sentences only, as context. Everyone who goes to India is struck by the poverty, so there is no news in that.</p></li>
<li><p>Poverty does provide a useful framing element, in that the faith of the poor wholly transports them out of their miserably surroundings. A useful way to paint that picture would be to open your essay by describing some young person, perhaps in tattered clothing, surrounded by the melee that is Calcutta (sounds, sights, smells, struggle of humans) engrossed in prayer. You watched that person . . . you gained insight into [ THIS IS YOUR CUE TO WRITE ABOUT THE INSIGHT ]. All the stuff about your family background, not speaking the language, etc. etc. is in my opinion easily dispensed with as it adds nothing helpful to the learning taking place. Focus on the story of faith, that is the theme here, and cut down on the extraneous slow build up.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>thanks placido240 that really helped out alot ill try to get an updated version up on here as soon as possible i hope you will look at it and give me some more feedback</p>
<p>Hey placido240, here’s my revision, let me know what you think</p>
<p>“No way in hell” I told my mother. My parents were forcing me to go on their annual trip to India with them because they believed I lost connection with my roots. To make matters worse they wanted me to work for my grandfather, the mayor of Calcutta. I was to work in sales the entire summer to contribute to my grandfather’s philanthropic project of sending underprivileged Muslims to Hajj, the pilgrimage to the city of Makkah required of all Muslims. I reluctantly agreed to help out, mostly because I was stuck with my grandfather and there was nothing else to do. However during my trips to the store, I began to see, really see, the overwhelming poverty around me. I remember seeing a little boy so skinny you could see his bones with nothing on except a red garment covering his private areas. It was hot, muddy and he was surrounded by water filled with feces, yet in the midst of such terrible circumstances, I witnessed a faith in God beyond comprehension. I was in awe, how could someone with so little still be so little be so loyal? The strength of his faith was the greatest motivating factor I could have asked for. So many people in that little boys exact situation will never experience Hajj, one of the most joyous parts of being Muslim, just because they don’t have the money; and there are much less deserving people who go just to prove their religiosity to the world. </p>
<p>I started working extra hours at the store, and even got another job at my uncle’s motorcycle shop. My job was just to help out with American tourists because I spoke English a lot better than most of the other workers. Although I started the summer counting the minutes until I could come home, I never worked so hard in my life. I thought I worked so hard that I had enough money to send the entire country of India to Hajj. In the end, though, my earnings added up to around 30,000 rupees which turns into roughly 700 U.S. dollars! Although that is only enough to send one person to Hajj I was proud of that contribution. That trip honestly changed my perspective on life, now I don’t volunteer at areas that will look good on paper such as a hospital where they have you file meaningless papers just so you can be doing something, instead I quit the hospital and went to work for Islamic relief. Now I know I am making a difference by helping with food drives, donating blood and doing other charity events. So no matter what career I eventually choose, I now know I want it to have a direct impact on people’s lives. That’s how I want to live, I want to have control of my life and do it as big as I possibly can without losing sight of the people less fortunate than me.</p>