<p>Hi I'm new here. My son is a sophomore at Cal this year. So far he's been home twice, the last time for the summer break. This second time around has not been easier either. I miss him so, so much. We talk once a week compared to daily of course, when he's home. He's pretty happy with loads of activities and friends and has adjusted well. He is not too keen to talk with me when I call him other than our appointed weekly call and won't answer emails especially if he terms them 'nagging'. It's so hard to convey to him my concerns for him without his hitting the "nag" button each time or that I just want to hear his voice. I would like to hear from you if you have experienced my situation or your views on what I should do.</p>
<p>We are just starting out with a freshman 10,000 miles away. I am trying very hard not to nag, I want him to get used to the idea of calling just to visit. Once I backed off on the "did you ______?" questions, he is happier to talk to me.</p>
<p>DD is not 9000 miles away, but the 1500 seems like it sometimes. I know she communicates more than sons ever did and more than boys generally seem to. We kind of have an agreement on the emails,though. I send "newsy" ones and she does not have to answer until or unless she feels like it. In each is what I tag a "Mom moment". I told her I am a Mom, it's what I do. I agree on the "Did you" questions. Instead of asking Did you .... I just dole out some helpful hints about handling different things, or info on different helpful websites or articles I read. She can take the advice or not, as any adult but I feel better sharing them. When we talk I let her chat about what is going on and try not to ask those "did you ..." questions but more "how are ..." kind of questions.</p>
<p>9000 miles away from Cal? Wow, do you live in China or some place like that?</p>
<p>Let's face it. Sons just don't call/email as often as daughters. Both kids are in the NW and we parents live in the SW so visits home are restricted to Christmas break and summer. Most emails to DS go unanswered ("I had nothing to say so I didn't reply") and have resorted to sending ones with pictures of sailors in the crow's nest looking out with telescopes with the caption "you there?" Still not much in the way of reply, though occasionally get the really great phone call that goes on for an hour or so (treasure those). On the other hand, I have found I call MY parents more often now :D</p>
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<blockquote> <p>Let's face it. Sons just don't call/email as often as daughters.<<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>Not necessarily. They both can be bad. Our daughter almost never answers e-mails and calls only sporadically. It was rough when she first went away, but she's a senior now and communicates a little better now. And we've gotten used to it.</p>
<p>In my day it used to be that my generation complained parents did not spend the time to talk with us but now it is the other way around. Yes, still getting used to his extended absence from home and "things are not going to be the same again" status. I'm still trying to find that delicate balance keeping up communication and guiding him to make wise decisions without his turning off. It gets very discouraging to say the least when emails are unanswered because concerns have been categorised 'nag'. How common is this experience I wonder? (Thanks Coureur for sharing yours.)</p>
<p>We're Asian.</p>
<p>I don't want this to come off wrong. I know I will be a wreck when my kids leave home as some of my friends are now. I just would like to offer you advice on how to transition to the new relationship his leaving home will bring. </p>
<p>This may not apply to you in the least and please disregard whatever is irrelevant but speaking from my own experience as a college student years ago and a daughter to this day, it drove/drives me crazy when my mom clucked at me, poor babied me, or generallyl acted like I wasn't a grown-up. </p>
<p>I know at 18 I wasn't even close to "grown-up" but you couldn't have told me that. And at the time I felt like " Mom, If I want your sympathy, I'll ask for it" I really resented what I felt like were her attempts to keep me tied to the apron strings. And I still do. I don't share with her anything negative because she clucks and fusses over me. It has put a barrier in our adult relationship because she has such a hard time dealing with the adult me and never allowed herself to move on to a more equal friendship with me as an adult. I guess what I am saying is try to embrace the adult relationship that will be developing between you. Let him know you will always be there to mother him if he needs it but then step back.</p>
<p>I really like the advice from singersmom to share a "mom moment" as a part of a newsy email. That way your S will get you advice without feeling smothered by it.</p>
<p>My experience is similar to yours, Candidmom. I have a son who is a college junior now and a stepson who is a sophomore. Junior son is willing to call once a week, almost never responds to emails. Sophomore son contacts us once or twice a term!!! Very nerve-wracking, as sometimes he has issues to share that we never get resolution about. We have tried really hard to realize that part of the point of us letting them go far away to school IS to let go. Clearly this separation is part of an important process, especially for stepson. Hang in there, it will get easier, I think. It has gotten easier here!</p>
<p>I share your pain! :o My son is a sophomore this year, and even though he's only an hour from home, I miss him a lot. We found that he is more responsive to our asking his advice as opposed to our giving it. Last night, I had a computer problem and he answered my email quickly, with exactly what I needed to know. If he has a scheduling or financial issue he may call, and he does call once a week as we have asked, but sometimes the calls are brief if there's no news. I expect this typical of boys and some girls, as well.
It's good that he's independent and doing well, but it's hard for us as parents, as he's our last one and he was always such a pleasure to have around.</p>
<p>The real surprise for me came when leaving my daughter for graduate school last week. I couldn't believe that I broke down in tears when we parted. I had been so good throughout her undergrad years, as she has always been a lot more communicative than her brother and I felt close to her even though she was on the other side of the country. But this time, it was different. She is financially independent as well as 3000 miles away, and I think it dawned on me that she is really a grown-up. Our relationship has shifted - necessarily so, but it's hard because I thought we had already made the shift!</p>
<p>Today I am having trees trimmed and I went down to take a remodeling permit out for our bathroom. I plan to keep very busy, as whenever I think of them, I'm sad. (I should be proud and happy...but I'm selfishly sad. Can't help it.)</p>
<p>How sad candidmom. I could imagine my mom writing the exact same post (I go to a university 8000 miles away from my home). I try to stay in touch with my family but being overseas makes things even harder. Generally I tend to not like it when my mom starts asking me about what I'm doing or tries to give me advice without me asking for it. I know she just wants what's for my best but it still stings. Don't take it personally its just that he probably wants to feel that he is independent and can make is own decisions.</p>
<p>Two of mine are now 8000 miles away. I am far more relaxed about the second one.</p>
<p>Just want to hear his voice? I saved a voice mail and listened to it whenever I felt this way. Talk about pathetic! </p>
<p>It's weird to me to watch darling son turn into a MAN. I knew it would happen, and most couldn't believe that he had stayed my cuddly, communicative son until the day he left. I console myself that it would be worse if he were tied to Mommy's apron strongs and didn't want to leave.</p>
<p>But those of you whose sons are so far away, yeah, that's really tough.</p>
<p>Mythmom,</p>
<p>Just wanted you to know that you are not the only one listening to the voice mail. There are others out there, myself included, just like you. Regards, and Keep Busy. I try to do so...</p>
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I'm still trying to find that delicate balance keeping up communication and guiding him to make wise decisions without his turning off.
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<p>Tend strongly towards "keeping up communication". Tend strongly away from away "guiding him to make wise decisions".</p>