I need help...please?!?

Student Lounge College Life
1

This is gonna be a little long so I appreciate all those who read through it. So I’m attending a large state university in the Midwest and I’m struggling with feeling alone all the time. I was really social the first month or so, and pushed myself to be smiley and chatty with everyone. I kinda fell into a friendship group, but always felt they were more of my roommates friends than mine for a couple of reasons.

  1. None of them ever reached out to me to grab lunch or even sent me a random snap during the day.
  2. They have secrets that I’m not privy to.
  3. I’m not told about any group events (ex: a birthday party for one group member), or invited unless it’s by my roommate.

So I tried to make other friends on my own, and I have two acquaintances, but they both live in different dorms and it’s hard to hang out like the other group did (they’re all on the same floor/building).
I’m not used to feeling this alone all the time, and it’s launched me into a depressive relapse. I just feel miserable, alone, and like somethings wrong with me.
No one in the cohort group I applied to will talk to me, and they all seem to be best friends. I’ve been making an effort, so I’m not sure why I’ve been left out. I’m tired on taking myself out on self dates to try and inject some fun into my life. And I have no clue what to do. How can I make more friends that really do want to hang out with me?

I’m also wondering if I should transfer or maybe get a single next year, so that group isn’t always rubbed in my face?
I’m just tired of the pain and rejection. Do you think I’m misinterpreting the actions of the group?

2

Are you on medication for depression? Do you see a therapist? I am extremely concerned that you mentioned recent suicidal thoughts.

I have 2 anxious/ depressed kids who found their college counseling center to be a great resource. Presumably, there are also therapists in the local area near your university. Please reach out for help if you have not done so already!!

@MaineLonghorn do you have any mental health resources you can recommend for this student?

One of my Ds struggled to find a friend group during her first semester, and she had success through joining clubs/activities. She joined the ultimate frisbee club, even though she had never played before, and is a bit of an introvert. They were very welcoming and she had a lot of fun learning to play, along with gaining a bunch of new friends she had something on common with. Service clubs and activities can also be a great way to meet people.

3

No, it does not appear as though you are misinterpreting things.

Seems like you are in a depressed state of mind & need to talk to a counselor.

Things that help minimize depression are daily exercise & a healthy diet. Google “foods that fight depression”.

Is it possible that you suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) ? If so, then you should consider transferring to a school with a sunnier climate.

FWIW: First semester of one’s freshman year of college means nothing socially–unless, of course, if you are a freshman–over the duration of your 4 years of college.

In the long term, you will develop meaninful friendships. Just tough to get over the notion that one’s first semester is supposed to be filled with fun & friends.

I suspect that you are maturing & may need to spend some time in a library used by grad students.

Consider using the gym for workouts, the runnig track or the university swimming pool on a daily basis.

Seek counseling, exercise every day & eat healthy.

4

It’s clear that this group is more interested in your roommate than in you, but it sounds like they are including you often enough in their activities. Do you have a job or a regular volunteer opportunity where you can hang out with others? I also recommend that you reach out to student counseling today.

P.S. I wasn’t that crazy about my initial friend group in my dorm but started to get to know others as the year went on.

5

Friendship is not something you apply to. It’s something you build over time. And you do that through shared activities. So: your favorite EC. Volunteering. Study groups (I am a big fan of study groups!). In all of them, it’s not about insta-friend, it’s doing a specific thing for a specific purpose with other people who share your objective (getting the sets ready for the play / helping making somebody else’s world better by doing X / doing well on the midterm). While you are doing these shared activities you will all get to know each other. For some people that will happen quickly. Others will take a good long time.

Pretty much everybody here on CC can give you examples of why 1st term friend status is not defining… For many (most?) people the first friendship group in college often reconfigures in 2nd semester of first year or 1st semester of second year. IMO, the main reason for that is that, if you are doing college well(!) you are growing and changing a LOT during this first year, and as you sort out more about yourself, the kinds of people you want to be with evolves as well (you may have some friends from primary school- but I would be surprised if you have very many, not because they weren’t nice people or good friends, but because how you each evolved took you in different directions). Allow yourself the room to grow! And be patient with yourself.

  1. Good for you for recognizing a relapse!
  2. Do whatever self-care that is appropriate for a relapse
  3. Organize a couple of the things above to give you things to pull yourself towards to help you get through this moment.
6

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but know that you are not alone. Did you read this? Please do: http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/2016222-to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc.html#latest

I think there is plenty you can do to make your situation better. What should you do? Be proactive. You can ask people to lunch. You can send a snap. You can get involved with a club, or volunteering, or the campus ministry where you can meet like-minded people. You can get a job in a busy place on campus like the bookstore. You can go to the counseling center. You do not have to be alone, even though you feel lonely. Eventually you are going to find good friends.

I don’t see that you said you’ve had depression before. Regardless, go to your counseling center at school ASAP. They are talking to MANY kids who feel like you.

To answer the question, I do think you are misinterpreting some of what is going on with that group. I think you are seeing everything as a slight against yourself and a deliberate exclusion of yourself. I doubt that anyone’s actions are that deliberate, especially towards you. I suspect that you’ve found yourself in a similar position to the nearly 17,000 other people who have read the post I linked above, and you’re taking things too personally. When you’re feeling alone and awkward and lonely and uncertain about the new place you’ve just moved to, yes, it’s easy to believe the worst.

Please have some perspective. There is nothing wrong with you that isn’t wrong with tens of thousands of other kids who are freshmen in college. All those kids who you THINK have solid friendships, well, some do, most probably don’t. You need to give it time because good friendships don’t happen in just a few months. You haven’t been left out as much as you just haven’t found all of your people yet. None of these early friendships are set in stone. You can always keep making friends.

You aren’t looking at the positives: you do have some friends. You like your roommate. You’ve been invited to do things. You are proactive enough to do things on your own.

Let’s look at what really doesn’t matter: you weren’t invited to something. This happens. You have to brush it off and move on. It will happen again, I’m sorry to say. You can’t be invited to everything and it doesn’t mean people don’t like you. None of them reached out for lunch. Did you? Secrets are just that. Secret. It doesn’t matter if you’re privy to them.

I strongly advise against a single dorm. Very isolating. I also advise against transferring. What’s going to be different at a different school? Has anything changed about YOU that will make it easy to transfer? Transferring has its own challenges and is really best done when a student absolutely does not fit in or wants to study a subject not at their current school.

Be proactive. Hugs to you.

7

All of the above YES!! Really everything @Lindagaf wrote, YES!!!

Give it time, OP, realize you’re not the only one who feels this way even if from the outside it looks like others are doing great–everyone feels like this at some point, promise. I do think you’re probably misinterpreting some of the actions of the group. Young adults your age can be clueless and very self-focused. Be careful not to let what you think is happening take you down a road of “they don’t like me.” Once you go there in your mind you can sometimes make that happen by giving off that vibe. Stay positive, keep putting yourself out there and I promise, it’ll get better.
It really does take time. You’ll find your people. BIG HUG!!! You got this :smile:

8

Thanks everyone for your ideas and encouragement!

9

You are not the first student to feel this way. Tell someone. Talk to your RA (the person in charge of you in the dorm), find the Student Support Services office, tell your advisor–if you don’t know who to tell go to the Librarian and let them guide you through the available support services.

Everyone wants you to succeed on campus and everyone knows that means personally as well as academically. There are services to help you, find them (you’re already paying for them!).

Good luck!

10

You have received excellent advice. I just want to say that you’ve done a great job getting started with your freshman year. Things will improve. Hang in there.