<p>My daughter applied to 4 major universities and was accepted to all 4 and decided to go to her older brothers cllege where he had graduated from. I was worried about choice for a couple of reasons, 1 was cost and other was distance from home as daughter had shown some signs of worrying about being away from home. She went through a lot of issues over last couple years which hasn't helped her ranging from a friend dying of cancer, my wife and I getting divorced, a driver blowing a red light and almost killing her after hitting her broadside. She met a girl online through roommate search that seemed perfect for her but ended up turning into roommate from hell who has sinced moved out and back home which has soured her choice of attending college and is now looking at transferring. She has not decided on a major but is leaning towards nursing but has found out that one of the schools she wants to transfer to doesn't accept transfer applicants for nursing program. Another doesn't give as much scholarships to transfer applicants as four year students. She doesn't know what to do next and I am at a loss of what to tell her to do.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have several concerns: Cost of the school she is attending, its distance from home, your daughter’s emotional state, her indecision about a major, and where she should transfer. That’s a lot to sort out. Which of these concerns is the greatest, for you and your daughter? Maybe that’s where you need to start.</p>
<p>Can the two of you get together in person and try to sort this out in a calm manner? Could the counselor at her present college help her with some of her emotional issues? That would help her make decisions and focus on what what she would like to do next.</p>
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<p>This is usually true for any merit based aid. So probably not just an issue at one college she might want to transfer to. </p>
<p>I think the first thing you need to sort out is whether transferring is the best step for her. Sometimes kids hit their stride second semester, and the need to transfer goes away. Being buffeted by a bad roommate choice does not seem like a good reason to transfer to me… but only you and your daughter can judge for sure. And maybe that is not really even the major issue. You might do some probing to see if her reasons for wanting to transfer are social life reasons. Has she joined any clubs or organizations? That can help. Because if that is her problem, transfer students often have the same issues. A lot of friendships are formed freshman year, and it is hard to break in socially (especially for an introvert if she is one). Just be sure that the problem you are solving for can’t be resolved by staying at her college (or won’t just be worse if the transfers).</p>
<p>One option is to put in a few transfer applications, then weigh how she is feeling when the results come in. She does not HAVE to transfer even if she is accepted. D1’s boyfriend applied for a transfer in his sophomore year (got into Georgetown via transfer application), but decided to stay at their small LAC instead. Worked out very well for him in the long run, too. Just saying that not every student who applies to transfer follows through with it.</p>
<p>^^That was good advice. Start with the issue you feel is most pressing. I assume she’s back for spring semester and that she’s been successful academically? Was a new roommate assigned?</p>
<p>Since transferring may be the answer to the issues of cost and distance, and if you decide those are truly the most important, start by looking at the other 3 schools where she was accepted last year. Do not be surprised if financial aid is far less than she would have recieved as an incoming freshman. However, you may still find schools with a net cost of less than you pay now. Also, don’t be surprised if nursing transfers are either not accepted or accepted at a rate that makes an ivy look like an easy school to get into. Nursing isn’t really a major you can get to dabble in before committing. The programs often have absolutely no electives, so once you go nurising, there’s no time to explore anything else. </p>
<p>If the finances simply won’t work for transferring, the focus needs to be on making the current school fit. A better roommate might make all the difference. Sadly, the awful roommate is a very common first year experience.</p>
<p>A big part of the problem has been her dislike of drinking. I noticed during the summer she started ripping on her friends that she never used to and most of it had to do with her not fitting in anymore since they all had succumbed to going to parties or other events where drinking had become the norm. Her roommate and her roommates parents had confided to her and I that she didn’t drink and from day one at school this roommate had lied and day one puked in room and then proceeded to get picked up twice for underage drinking. The floor she has resided on has had many issues with drinkng and this has brought on most of the I can’t stand it here issues and I need to transfer. She also is homesick as her and my ex lean on each other for companionship so she comes home every other weekend and she in tears every time she has to go back to school.</p>
<p>I sympathize with your D’s issue of finding a disagreeable drinking culture on campus. I am not sure where there is a campus without a drinking culture, and if you google HYP and drinking, even at these institutions, where it is so difficult to gain admission, drinking is the norm. My own D had a group of friends in HS that did not partake, and their parties etc were substance free. It is difficult to replicate this in college. I have heard this from my friends as well about their non drinking college students. Other than keeping consumption to non alcoholic beverages even though others may partake, I have no suggestions for how to attend parties etc. If she doesn’t like parties, she must work hard to find other activities (sporting events, community service, a capella singing etc.) that do not revolve around drinking. It is not easy. However, there are other non drinking students, I dare say. She needs to broaden her horizons beyond her floor. That the random mix of people have drinking issues is not surprising. All it takes is a few to make it an issue. Can she move to a different dorm? Can she check out other dorms to see if there is an atmosphere to her liking?</p>
<p>It is a hard adjustment to college. I did not have a good first year myself, but after that I made many friends, and did enjoy it much more.</p>
<p>Just a couple of things. Unless we’re talking about a handful of ultraconservative (and probably Christian) campuses, there’s going to be a significant number of kids who party. There are also a fair number riding the temperance train. And there will be many more in the middle. There are like-minded kids out there, but your D needs to find them. And she can’t find them if she’s running home to mama every other weekend. However, that’s a minefield you need to stay out of (as a dad and especially as an ex-spouse). </p>
<p>Freshman year, D came home every weekend to avoid the stumbling-in-drunk roommate. She got a new roommate. This year (yet another roommate), I never see her. She comes home when the dorm closes and she literally can’t get in. Have your D get a new roommate and possibly a new room if she can. </p>
<p>While your d’s adjustment issues are probably breaking your heart, they are actually pretty common. We’re here to tell you that she’ll work this out and be ok.</p>
<p>Does this school offer a BSN?</p>
<p>Lots of factors and major distractions. If she wants to study nursing, she would have to get a space as a transfer which is difficult at direct entry programs. Or she would have to consider a program where you apply after finishing your sophomore year with nursing prerequisites. The most important thing seems like being closer to home, where she can touch base more frequently to get the emotional support she needs while maintaining her academics and establishing a social network she is comfortable with. Take some deep breaths. This is a common situation and your D needs time to adjust. This school just isn’t a great fit for her right now. I will say a prayer that it gets resolved and your D will find her way. You are a good Dad!</p>
<p>First off thanks so much for the responses. I have no one to talk about this with and I have found this forum to help in the past and you didn’t disappoint me this time. As far as a roommate my daughter had put in for a transfer before her old roommate moved out due to anxiety issues. She didn’t like the profile on facebook of roommate she was going to get put with in quieter more studious dorm and cancelled the move. She decided to put in for a single room which school just granted her this week so she will not have a rooommate this semester. She spoke with her advisor her today who told her she thinks she should transfer to so I hope she doesn’t regret this decision in 10 years from now. One other thing about the drinking too was one of her best friends almost died in September after falling 3 floors at ISU trying to hide from police that were called to an underage drinking party on campus.</p>
<p>Believe it or not, there are students on EVERY campus who do not party. She may not have found that group yet, though. But they are there. Playing board games in the dorms, going to movies, doing stuff like swing dancing club, maybe in the library at times when others are partying. My D1 was one of those kids at a college with a fair amount of drinking, and had some similar freshman roommate problems. The single room should help.</p>
<p>If she decides to stay, most colleges have some kind of substance free housing. She should try to get in there next year where she would meet more like-minded students.</p>
<p>My D was also very unhappy at the drinking culture at her school. Freshman year was rough because she had a suite with 6 girls in it & 3 of them were blasted much of the time. The 6th one spent 18 hours of each day with her older sister, a junior at the same school. She is a soph now & the new roommates (who chose each other) are either teetotallers or drink very moderately, a glass of wine while watching a movie in the dorm. Yes, they are all underage, and yes, liquor is not allowed in the dorms. At least they are smart enough not to drink in their own suite (they say). </p>
<p>One of her best friends from h.s. had nearly the identical issue with the roommate that you describe—freshman year first semester was hell for this girl but things brightened up quite a bit when she too, got a single for the second semester. Again, because the roommate left. </p>
<p>I also got a single in the 2nd semester of my freshman year–in my case because my roommate became suicidal and left the school. Yes, the roomie situation was difficult between us though at least we were able to be polite to each other. </p>
<p>I can tell you from experiencne, an awful lot of the problems resolve themselves when you get a single! At least you can study when you want & in quiet, go to bed in peace, and have friends in as you please. Your room often becomes a refuge for friends in the situation you were in the previous semester!</p>
<p>As to making friends–freshman year can be difficult – is there anyone in any of her classes who looks like a nice person, that she can chat up on the way out of the room. eat lunch with, study together with? That is how my daughter began to make friends when she realized all her suitemates would do was drink, last year. </p>
<p>My daughter, last year, also found kids who like the same TV shows/movies as she does, and also were not big drinkers, and they would spend many Sat evenings watching these—I mean Dr Who & Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) – the girls tend to love these shows. And she downloads movies via our family’s membership in Netflix & they watch them on her laptop. They can also connect the laptop to the TV they have in the suite (not her TV) and watch the movies on a bigger screen. This has saved many Saturday nights! I have dutifully provided much popcorn & brownie mix in care packages to boost “movie night.” </p>
<p>My best wishes to your daughter! Tell her to hang in there — if the school meets her academic needs, she is better served by finding friends & getting past this rough patch.</p>
<p>brucesprings, you’ve gotten a lot of great advice, from what I can see. I would also consider the car accident–someone crashing into her in the car like that can be extremely traumatizing and of course the other stuff doesn’t help. Will she consider therapy?</p>
<p>Maybe it is just the group on the cc board, but i am discerning that there are many, many students who just are not interested in that whole “animal house” partying scene at college. I think my own children, unless they change drastically in the next few years, will be among that group. We have friends whose son just transferred (to Univ. of Chicago) for the very reasons described in this thread. While there is drinking, he has found a much more serious atmosphere where life does not revolve around the next keg party .</p>
<p>Did any of you tailor your college list to reflect schools that might have less of this sort of thing? We are not seeking a “dry” or religious affiliated campus, but I am thinking maybe some effort put into the front end of the selection process might help us avoid problems once they are on campus.</p>
<p>One of mine wasn’t into the scene 1st year and would go to the library on Fri and Sat eves. And found it packed with other kids who felt the same. </p>
<p>You do want to keep an ear out when anxious or disappointed kids get a single- see how this works for her, ask if she’s also getting out and about. We were concerned when one of ours went this route- she needed the breathing room but desperately needed interaction, too. It worked out for her.</p>
<p>You may not be able to do much about dau and ex leaning on each other, but it’s good to think about whether this helps or not. Best wishes.</p>
<p>Sometimes it can be helpful to live in Honor dorms or substance free dorms offered on some campuses.</p>
<p>HarvestMoon1 – There have been a number of threads started recently by students who want a substance-free (or at least a non-party) college atmosphere but who don’t necessarily want to go to a religiously-affiliated school. Many students don’t want to deal with drunks and their remnants or roommates who have their sex partners over.</p>
<p>My children don’t want to look at any college that is known as a “party school”. They would like to avoid partying altogether, but unfortunately that is nearly impossible. One child has looked into non-fundamentalist religiously-affiliated colleges.</p>
<p>There is certainly a demand for more options for students who don’t want the “animal house” atmosphere. I agree with colorado_mom. Substance-free and honors dorms are often better environments. Another good option may be a single gender dorm with restricted opposite gender visitation.</p>
<p>The most important part of this equation is getting the right roommate. OP’s daughter’s roommate situation didn’t work out, but I know a number of other students who met their roommates through a matching service and are very happy. They found studious, non-partying roommates.</p>
<p>Not to sound like a pollyanna, but it would be nice for university administrators to take more note of this growing number of students who would like a more balanced environment during their college years. Just don’t understand the lack of backbone they exhibit in addressing this problem. I have always suspected that they fear their application numbers will decline if they come down too hard on greek life and excessive alcohol/partying on their campuses. Seems like these things have caused way too many problems lately - they appear to be more trouble than they are worth.</p>
<p>I’ve related this before, but want to tell the tale again. My son put his nose up to the possibility of commuting from home when he was a senior. The big Mo was on getting into a college away from home and being in a dorm and having that sleep away college experience. Name recognition was big too. So a local school that accepted him and offered him a full scholarship was not high on his list. </p>
<p>Now he sees a lot of his friends here who go there. Some commute, some share digs around the college, some dorm there. But they are have a great social life and doing just fine thank you, at the school and many are getting some chances at great internships. He told me that though he is still glad that he is away, he certainly did not look at that option the way he should have, and that it was really an excellent opportunity. He’s a bit adrift at his school, and it’s rough for him socially. Can’t come home as often as he wants, either. Hard to get some of the classes he wants. There are disadvantages.</p>
<p>So there may be some schools nearby where you DD would be happier and where she can get into a nursing program. It’s a tough go, yes, because those programs are very competitive. But it would ease some of the pain she is having of going to a school she so detests. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, freshman applications get the best offers for merit money and financial aid. Even some of the schools that guarantee full need for students, and give good packages, do not extend that policy to transfers. That is a fact of life. She will likely have to pay more or look for state or lower cost schools. Also some nursing programs are very pricey My son’s SO is going to a PT program right now, and even her stellar academic record could not get her into any of the state programs so she is paying big bucks to go private. From what I understand, the same is so for nursing and other such programs. Getting accepted to them is difficult even when they may be housed in schools with open admissions or close to it. Some programs and majors have no safety choices as they are all competitive.</p>
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There’s your problem in a nutshell. She’s not going to get to know the other kids very well when she’s gone half the time. Her dorm floor may not be the best match for her but there are lots of other kids at the school to meet in her classes, in clubs, in intramural sports, etc. But she’s going to have a hard time getting to know other kids or participating in campus life when she’s gone every other weekend. She has gone thru some rough things as you’ve described, but that doesn’t need to doom her to hating the school. </p>
<p>I would suggest she commit to spending this semester 100% at school and taking steps to get involved. Right now she has a safety valve that lets her avoid that; she stays one weekend, probably hating it and counting the time until the next weekend when she can flee to mom. Making the committment to staying on campus would encourage her to find friends and activities on campus. Not everyone has a smooth first semester, and kids are often upset when they don’t quickly form the same close friendships they had back home. But they are with new people and have to give it some time to find kids they are comfortable with and then turn those kids from acquaintances into friends.</p>