I need some advice on sentence structure/ editing.

College Essays
1

<p>First off, I am writing a transfer essay. As such, there is less room for creativity, since the question is very discreet. I know some of you may disagree with me right off the bat, and it truth I am trying to describe my reasons for wanting to transfer while telling a story, but it gets hard because I have to stick to the prompt. </p>

<p>Anyway, I am trying to go by Harry Bauld's method (of which I am a big fan.) I have the first good draft of an essay I really like, but I feel that it's wordy. Not too long, but weighted down by adjectives. Moreover, while I sincerely mean the adjectives I use, a lot of my expressions sound overdone and dishonest. </p>

<p>In particular, I have fallen into the habit of using two adjectives to describe my nouns. That is, a ____ and ____ something. Here is an example:</p>

<p>"[My reason for wanting to transfer is driven by]... desire to be a part of the unique and specific ILR program within the more expansive and diverse Cornell community."</p>

<p>I realized that unique and specific & expansive and diverse make this sentence bloated. However, I very much mean what I say and give a lot of thought to my word choice. The Cornell ILR program does focus on a very narrow field of study and in unique amongst the Ivies. The Cornell community is both (ethnically and socially) and academically expansive.</p>

<p>I am not trying to defend my word choice, and this one example is just the tip of the iceberg. My essay is loaded with phrases like these - descriptions that I mean sincerely that sound very overdone. "academic and social environment," "cultural and academic diversity," "individualized and highly sought-after field."</p>

<p>What is a good way (alternative) to avoid such sentence structure? In some cases it is possible to just remove one of the adjectives, but in the examples I've given I am sometimes challenged by what exactly to remove, since I put a lot of thought into the words I choose and I feel that each adds something important to the description.</p>

<p>Help with the tinkering please!</p>

2

<p>Switch words around. For instance, start with a prep phrase, or gerund or clause. The traditional subject/predicate structure is terribly BORing! Also try to vary your sentence length. Quick phrases help. Then, be sure to also add transitional words as well. I’m too tired to show all that, but I hope this helps.</p>

3

<p>Thanks for that… bump?</p>

4

<p>Viola, get away from those adjectives anyway! They weigh down an essay. Inject verbs instead. The writing becomes much more lively and visual. Most dangerous verb: “is”…</p>

<p>Here’s one example…“[My reason for wanting to transfer is driven by]… desire to be a part of the unique and specific ILR program within the more expansive and diverse Cornell community.” blah, blah, blah. </p>

<p>Instead of having your subject, “My reason”, make the subject drive the action…</p>

<p>here’s what i mean: Finding Cornell’s unique ILR program inspired me to investigate further. What I found drove me to…</p>