I am applying to University of Florida as a transfer student. And I jjust realized I submitted a draft as my personal statement, which in my opinion is pretty bad. I mean, I sound retarded. Here is the draft I submitted, it contains a LOT of grammar errors, etc.
Do you think I can change it?
…As an engineering major I am part of the “engineering club” which allows me to interact with other who are also interested in the other areas of this field, this can give a huge enrichment because you get to know how other areas of engineering overlap with yours and it gives you a bigger picture of the engineering field as a whole.
Another extracurricular activity that have helped me a lot in deciding to be a biomedical engineer is volunteer work. First hand experience of how your actions can help other and impact their lives in positive way gives me motivation to give my part to society. It was during volunteer work when I realized my career path. I can recall a time when I was volunteering on the Consulate of Mexico in Miami, the doctor who works there was talking to me about her job, I found impressive how she helped so many people, but yet I was not driven by the idea of being a doctor. So I realized that I wanted to do something related with medicine but still being an engineer.