<p>Dear Future Community College Attendee:</p>
<p>We have briefly glanced at your application to the University of Michigan College of Literature, Science, and the Arts for Fall 2015. Given our surging egos and new $8 million dollar a year football coach, admission to the University is becoming increasingly competitive and expensive. As a result, your application has been deferred for a final decision until a later date. Probably 2065.</p>
<p>Your application will be “re-evaluated”, laughed at, and a final decision will be made based on how your credentials and academic achievements pale in comparison to the quality of this year’s freshman applicant pool. All final admissions decisions of admit, deny, defer again, triple defer, or waitlist will be made no later than early-April, 2022.</p>
<p>Please refer to the website <a href="http://www.admissions.umich.edu/deferred/">www.admissions.umich.edu/deferred/</a> for FAQs about the anxiety process and what to do next. Strong fall semester or second trimester grades may enhance your status in the deferred pool of applicants. Also, bribes may be necessary in your case. Therefore, please ask your high school counselor to forward your fall semester or second trimester grades when they become available and be sure to include a large bag of unmarked bills with material. Beyond that, short of a zombie apocalypse where all other applicants are killed, we are confident that the information you have given us is more than sufficient to deny you. But we really enjoy making you wait. The most successful candidates send us only what we require. And bigger bags of money.</p>
<p>We hope your interest in Michigan continues, but prefer you get accepted somewhere else; you have our best wishes for an enjoyable and stressful senior year.</p>
<p>Sincerely,</p>
<p>Theodore L. Spencer
Associate Vice Provost and Executive Director</p>