<p>Before you read this, I just want to point out that I am no professional. I am just a student from Nepal, going to join college in US this fall. I had taken a seminar "Transforming Life" couple of weeks back. Some issues relate to your situation. So, I am just using my experience to assess you. I am sorry if I offend you or anyone with this post. I have no intention of doing so. However, if my words imply wrong things, please make me aware.</p>
<p>When we are in our mother’s womb, we do not have any thing to do with the social rules and the world outside. We feed, breathe and do every task through our mothers. But, immediately after we come to earth, social distinction and rules apply. The first being the difference in social behavior we face on the basis of our sex. Soon, we get engrossed in such social mess so much that we begin to consider our personality as our identity instead of our authenticity. Make note, ‘Authenticity’ and ‘Personality’ are two distinct parts of our existence. Most of us develop our personality in order to achieve greater social recognition and suppress our authenticity. Personality markers are behavior, education, job, and so on. Actually, when you suppress your authenticity you begin to feel sad and unhappy with your life.</p>
<p>For example, compare a 9 year boy and a 30 year man. Who do you think is happier with day to day events? Undoubtedly, it is the 9 year old boy. It is because he is authentic and has not yet considered his personality more important. The boy speaks what he feels, does what he wants, expresses, cries when he is in pain, laughs when he feels i.e. he is authentic with himself. But, the man is not. He won’t tell his boss if he feels sth is wrong, because he fears the wrath of his boss. He doesn’t cry when he feels pain, because he fears he will be considered weak by the people around him. And, when he sits back and looks at his day, he regrets that he could not express himself when he wanted. In short, he is unhappy with his life.</p>
<p>In your case, as you tell, your peers made fun of you because of your mental issues. As a child, our mind is very receptive and makes conclusions of every incident we encounter. When you were criticized for the first time, maybe, you made your own conclusion that you are not normal, that you are less capable than your peers. Then, every time you faced the similar incidents, you just supported your form of ‘truth’ - that you are incapable. You begun to feel that if you were normal, you would have done great. You considered (and still do) your mental difficulties as your barrier to your growth and started hating yourself. Thus, your authenticity which tells that you are no different than others was suppressed by your own admittance of incapability and abnormality. And, since your authenticity is not in tune with you, you are feeling down and unhappy.</p>
<p>Realize it, you said you are always trying to hide your past and conceal it from others, but people eventually find out. Let me use an example. A man has a forged hundred dollar bill in his pocket. When he goes to the market, he is very conscious of the fact that he has the forged money with him. He feels as if everyone is staring at him and he checks his pocket time and again. If anyone discusses about forged money, he feels as if he has been caught. And, people or friends notice that something is different, even if they do no know the actual cause. But, a man with authentic money never realizes such thing. The same is with you. You are trying very hard to conceal your past, so it shows in your behavior. People notice this. Unless you accept who you are instead of your incapability – as you say it. Please remember, no one is incapable – you won’t be happy.</p>
<p>You feel incapable and not normal. And this all shows in your actions. You said, “I'm lazy….At least when it comes to myself. I have no problem working hard if it benefits others.” You are not lazy, you just put off your tasks because you think you are not good at doing them. And, you never think about it this way because you have found a convenient excuse – “I am lazy.” But, you admit that you have no problems working for the benefit of others. Have you realized why? Because you want ‘Acceptance’. You desperately want people to compliment you. You say you don’t but your actions suggest otherwise. If you didn’t want to be complimented, why do you work hard for other’s benefit and put off tasks concerning you? You want people to consider that you are good. You are so desperate to make people happy due to which you have no time to make yourself happy </p>
<p>I am sorry if I am coming too strong but this is a possibility. You have developed a ‘strong suit’ around yourself. The strong suit that tells you that you are not good, you are not normal. Just as a fish doesn’t realize water around it, just as a dog doesn’t realize the air around it, we do not realize our ineffectiveness. We do not realize our strong suits because we make them parts of our personality. You might be feeling that I am talking rubbish. Yes, whenever someone tells us that we are proud, greedy, jealous, we counteract by saying “You do you think you are?”, “You are different?”, “I am as fine as I am.” Or we punch him/her. These actions are called ‘rackets’. We use rackets to protect our strong suit. This is just how we behave because our strong suit is very dear to us. It would be because we have cultivated it for years. But, unless we remove our strong suit we are never going to change ourselves. Yes, it is difficult, but we need to try and transform ourselves for the better. It will take time but eventually it will occur.</p>
<p>“With my laziness, lack of motivation and direction it seems like I'll be proving everyone right years from now.” See. Your conclusion is even directed at people around you, not to yourself. Please try and realize it. Transform yourself. It doesn’t matter if everyone doesn’t encourage you, be honest with yourself. Be authentic. Embrace yourself and who you are. Don’t let people rob you off your authenticity. Do not let yourself act as people want you to. Those people, who always torment you, want you to be a failure. If you just corroborate them as you have been, you’ll indeed fail. Helen Killer? Does this ring the bell? She was deaf, dumb, and blind. Yet, she proved that physical disability is not a curse. Believing oneself is the key to success.</p>
<p>People, who discourage you, are not the ones who love you. I think that you don’t have too many friends because you never let anyone come near you. You fear rejection. Do not. Unless you accept yourself, you can never have fruitful relationships with your father, mother and friends. Talk to them about your insecurities. They are the only one in this world of more than 6 billion people, who care for you. Don’t push them. If you do, you’ll never be happy.</p>
<p>You know, those who always wonder “What if I had done this?”, “What if I was like this?” are the losers. Do not ponder over something that you don’t have. Always make use of what you have.</p>
<p>I have written blunt and straightforward coz I just figured that it would be better this way, not because I count myself an expert. Please meet professional people. They are much better help and give you more suggestions. I hope this helps.</p>