I thought this was supposed to get easier once they're in college

Parents Forum
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<p>A day or two looking through posts on here and talking to friends IRL, and it's easy to see that parents with college-age students are seeing their kids struggle with all kinds of issues -- depression and more, drinking citations and worse, failing grades, wanting to change schools, etc. This weekend, I had a discussion with a relative whose kids are now in their 30s who said the years when your kids are 18-26 are the worst years of parenting as you try to transition them into adulthood. My dh feels ripped off, lol. He feels like we did our job -- and a damn good job -- for 18 years and that ds should take it from here, but it's obvious that it's not like a child turns 18 and then, boom, they are automatically blessed with all the skills needed to run their lives.</p>

<p>I'm not sure what my question is, but it seems like just finding them the right college -- which is why we all probably came here -- isn't enough. And I'm not talking about life skills like doing your laundry or balancing your checkbook. How hands-on are we supposed to be in the first year or two of college? I've always thought get them to college with good values and then it's up to them to make the most of what they've got, knowing there will be the occasional stumble.</p>

<p>I have friends who don't know and don't think it's their business to know their kids grades, which seems too hands off. And I have friends who talk/text/Skype with their kids every single day, which seems like overkill. Obviously, if there is a major medical issue we should get involved. But what about the more minor issues. For instance, my kid in two terms hasn't made a single A. He really doesn't say a lot about his classes, like they are so difficult. He's made mostly B+s. So, not failing by any means, but when I hear about his really rockin' social life, I know that more studying and less other stuff would result in better grades. Do I make an issue of this? Part of me feels like I think he's doing a pretty good job of trying to figure out how to handle all these new-found personal freedoms, but part of me is really disappointed that he's not putting in the time needed to do his best academically as well as not taking advantage of things put in place to help students, like tutoring. He seems happy enough with B+s. Say something, or let it slide?</p>

<p>Just wondering how others have handled these transitioning years. Personal stories encouraged!</p>

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<p>Happykid has no expectation of us ever being out of her face. I get to blame all the noseiness about her life on Happydad’s Spanish/Cuban/Venezuelan side of the family, even if that isn’t quite always the truth.</p>

<p>It would be perfectly OK (in my book) to say “Hey, I never hear about your classes. Do you have a favorite one this semester?” or even, “You have been getting B’s in college and you had all A’s in high school. I remember that college was a lot harder for me than high school too. What would your advice be for the kids at your high school about dealing with the different expectations that the professors seem to have? Has it been hard for you to figure out how to balance your course work for all of those classes?”</p>

3

<p>I’d rather take a dozen preschoolers to Chuck E. Cheese everyday than watch what my son is going through right now. This young adult phase has been the hardest yet. And it’s just beginning.</p>

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<p>Some kids seem to take longer to “get it”. Older s “got it” and was very responsible, both academically and financally. He was very open and shared a lot. He is now almost 25 and less spontaneously open, though certainly willing to chat. I try not to pry.</p>

<p>Younger one is taking way too many hours so his grades are, IMO, middling (3.4ish). That said, I think he could work more and party less, but he seems to feel his balance is right for him. I have to trust that he has it under control. He has always been very private and has the “I’ll do it myself” attitude, though he hasn’t always had the experience to go with the attitude. However, yesterday, he actually asked my opinion on something, asked me to help him word an email and then said he liked my input!!! I have died and gone to heaven!! Now, I have to wonder if he actually sent the email…</p>

5

<p>I think getting B+'s and having a happy social life sounds like a perfect combination, and don’t see any problem, but maybe all things are relative. He may mature a bit and focus more on studies, but it sounds like he is doing fine in a steady, even way.</p>

<p>In general, sons are a little different from daughters and tend to be a little less communicative (sorry for stereotype here, but it does seem to have some merit). I kind of follow the kids’ lead in terms of communication and involvement.</p>

<p>I like to ask about classes, what is interesting about them, even workload but would never ask about grades. But that’s just me. I did the same thing throughout their earlier education.</p>

<p>These years are hard, and the difficult years have been extending up through the twenties, as adulthood seems harder to attain economically.The murkiness of it all is hard on us parents, and we just have to feel our way, depending on the particular child. They do still need our support, but it seems to work better when it is asked for, and is given on their own terms. </p>

<p>We have kids with medical problems, that sometimes interfere with education. I do have to be involved in those to some extent. If I were you, I would be grateful for the situation you have right now (not that you aren’t), and hope it continues.</p>

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<p>My over 40 DH was talking with his mom one day and discussing some issue about one of kids. He asked her, “When do you stop worrying”. She replied, “I’ll let you know”. Budump, bump.</p>

<p>How much we are involved in our kid’s lives is really so dependant of the personalities and expectations of the people involved. There is no “right” answer. As with all stages of child rearing, you do the best you can with the information you have available. </p>

<p>As for the “good enough” B+s: This is so hard for us parents to see. The “if only” scenarios we run through our head can be difficult. What we have to keep in mind though is that this is the path they forge for themselves. We all have limitations. Even if those limitations are self-imposed b/c we don’t want to spend Sat night in the library studying,we go out partying instead. So, med school is out, but there are so many other things still in. B+'s still get you into grad school or a job. It’s ok. Really.</p>

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<p>It is hard to let go, and the letting go continues into adulthood. My S is a junior (and sounds something like yours, Youdon’tsay). He is a lot like me–a little shy and reluctant to put himself out there. His light is sometimes hidden under a bushel. My mantra: He will find success in life based on his intelligence, curiosity, personality, and ability to work collaboratively with others. He’s a thinker and an explorer, not an extroverted leader. We need both in this world. </p>

<p>I think I expected him to have an “aha” moment during college that frankly I did not have until my late 20s, when a promotion landed in my lap, forcing me to be more assertive and work harder, and leading to a successful, rewarding career. It’s even harder for my husband, who got his PhD in a field and in an era when you marched lock-step into a profession and stayed there. I’m trying to let our S make his own way, and he will deal with the outcome. I’ve heard that for boys this part of the growth process takes longer than for girls.</p>

<p>For the record, we’re talking respectable grades. Sometimes he admits they could be better with more effort. He has a good social life and a nice group of friends, but he doesn’t appear to be a huge partier. All through his teen years and still today, people tell me what a genuinely nice young man he is. To his credit, he’s thinking about job and grad school options. If his GPA and GREs are good enough to get him into the grad schools he’s thinking of, fine. If they’re not (and I think they may not be), he’ll wish he had worked harder, find a job, and build experience that will make him a stronger applicant in a couple of years.</p>

<p>On the details of your post: We do express our feelings when his academic performance is lower than we think it should be–but interestingly enough, he usually feels the same way about himself. He calls a couple of times a week (he’s always been chatty), but freshman year he was much, much less communicative. We don’t use Skype. Usually he calls us, but if we want to talk to him, we pick up the phone. Sometimes I’ll just text him and ask him to call when he has a chance. He tells us his grades voluntarily–not all of them, but he seems to report them on both ends of the spectrum (really blew a paper last semester, got one of three A’s in the class on a paper recently). We do expect to hear his semester grades. </p>

<p>Re-reading this, I know some CC parents will scream “slacker.” But by our family’s definition of “success” he’s headed in that direction, but he’s just beginning the journey. He drives me absolutely nuts sometimes because I would be handling things differently than he is. To put it in perspective, recently a very smart and once-promising childhood friend of his had a horrible accident due to drinking. This kid started to take a nose dive in HS and continued in college. I thank my lucky stars that I’m not in his parents’ shoes.</p>

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<p>I am with GeezerMom: respectable grades and a nice social life = happy and well balanced college student. I want my kids to be happy/healthy in college as much as I want them to have good grades.</p>

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<p>I think that these days, adolescence has extended into the mid-twenties. Families will differ about how much interaction is appropriate and also perhaps based on who is paying for he education. We talk or email at least once a week. It can be especially difficult with this economy. Our accustomed structures are, in some cases, crumbling. The elderly moving in with middle aged children, recent college graduate moving back with parents until that first real job. Lot’s of uncertainty and competition. It’s immpossible to know precisely what to do. We try to keep the lines of communication open and let our S know he is loved and supported as best we can.</p>

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<p>Frankly, I feel that American way of child raising is deficient in that we start a big hands off, trust sort of thing at ages 13-18 when those are the years the kids need the most monitoring. By keeping them relatively safe and away from contraband during those years, you increase the chances immensely of being able to easier beat problems when they arise later. Instead these are the years kids most often fall into these temptations and troubles. Once they are 18, they are adults and your hands are tied in may ways. There is a deadline to your influence on your kids having legal weight and it is age 18.</p>

<p>You can only hope when they go off to college or off into the world as adults that you’re words will ring in their years and all of those years of conditioning have had effect. </p>

<p>The big problem is that the these are the years when emotional and mental illnesses, hormonal jumps, stress truly takes a quantum jump. So many of us send our kids off at the time when they are the most vulnerable into environments that are dangerous and tempting, dripping with peer pressure to indulge. </p>

<p>When I was a young parent, there was neighbor whose kids were much older and finishing up college. I remember her telling me how the elementary school issue were a piece of cake, junior high/middle school a walk in the park, and high school a downright bargain in terms of money. College, grades, arguments, all nothing compared to the huge toll young adult kids can pull when you think you are done and they are not. These neighbors were well to do, but their budgets were not designed to pay for many of the things that came up post college. I should have taken those conversation more seriously. Young adulthood is not always easy and when your kids struggle, it really can bring you down more than anything.</p>

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<p>All the telecommunications tools we have, today, make it harder to “let go,” I think. My daughter calls me between classes, and we are in contact every day, even though she is far away. I like having the chance to chat, but I am aware that I have a lot more “input” than my parents had. Of course, I’m paying a lot more for school than my parents paid (@0)…So, yeah.</p>

<p>I sometimes wish I didn’t have as much information as I have. My kids seem to tell me everything. I’ve heard that this is not the case so much with boys, but I have girls…not to stereotype. I’m sure there are girls who say nothing and vice-versa. But, I get phone calls like, “I’m a little nervous because I’m about to get in the plane.”</p>

<p>“What? What plane?”</p>

<p>“Oh. I’m going sky-diving.”</p>

<p>“WHY DO YOU TELL ME THESE THINGS?”</p>

<p>“Oh, sorry. I just thought you could calm me down.”</p>

<p>“Yeah, all right. Here’s a way to calm down. Get in the car and go home.”</p>

<p>“OH MOM.”</p>

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<p>lol poetgirl!!</p>

<p>AL34 i need 3 books, my 3 boys are all so different</p>

<p>s1 was a communicator while in college, we talked everyday…about college and life. my hardest time with him is now…trying to find the line as a mom, when he now has a wife. He may tell me something and my normal reaction might be to respond…but i dont know if he has talked to his wife about it and its a mutual decision and i dont want to interfere.</p>

<p>S2 has been away from home since 15, going to boarding school, so as a college freshman it is like he is already 4 years out… he tends to cycle through telling me everything and wanting my input …to obvious impatience with me</p>

<p>S3 is 16 and i have no clue how to deal with him!!!</p>

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<p>Like poetgrl, I talk/text with my junior D every day, as she walks to and from class. I love this (she wasn’t particularly demonstrative as a teen and I love hearing about her life) but some times I wonder if it’s too much. She tells me almost everything and she often"dumps" on me when she’s upset or mad - I understand this, I’m glad she feels she has a place to vent, but some times it’s emotionally exhausting.</p>

<p>As to the larger questions of worrying and “finding your way”: I think that parents (well, neurotic parents like me, at least) just worry, no matter the kid or the circumstance. My D is a joy. She has an amazing GPA, a great boyfriend, and a small group of friends whom she loves. She also has a fantastic summer internship lined up that should lead to a job offer upon graduation. And yet, I worry a LOT: is she happy? Is she spending too much time by herself? (She lives alone and loves it that way.) I know she loves her friends - why doesn’t she have MORE friends? Why doesn’t she go shopping with X instead of shopping by herself? And why am I so worried when she isn’t worried?</p>

<p>So, what I’m trying to say is that even if the academic/career achievement looks okay, there’s still plenty for neurotic moms like me to obsess over. Maybe I worry about the social aspects because I think these are equally important determinants of success. Maybe I worry about them because I feel I don’t have to worry about the academics. I can’t figure out, sometimes, why I worry about her when she seems so satisfied! </p>

<p>I do laugh when I remember how much I worried about potty training… or elementary school science projects… I think these worries pale in comparison to some of the concerns of young adulthood. Really, we just want them to be happy, self-sufficient people. Maybe the deeper problem is that we don’t always know exactly what success looks like or when it will occur.</p>

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<p>There is a lot of neurological research out there that shows that the frontal cortex of the brain is not fully developed until ~25. So, while our kids have the bodies (and hormones) of adults, they still have the brains of growing children. Sometimes they act like adults; sometimes they act like the kids that they are. Unfortunately, our legal system also regards them as adults at 18. 18-25 is the age where there are adult consequences for childish behavior. It’s still our job as parents to help them understand those consequences and make good decisions as they transition to adulthood.</p>

<p>And yes, there is a very big difference between boys & girls, both in terms of communication and brain development. </p>

<p>Cptofthehouse hit the nail on the head in post #10. A very wise friend reminded me this past weekend that our kids are like trees. We’ve planted and nurtured them to have good, solid roots. When they go off to college, hopefully they grow and branch off in many different directions - although some are not necessarily the directions we want for them. But it’s those roots that we cultivated years ago which will anchor them to the ground, to the values with which we raised them. I really, REALLY hope that she is right.</p>

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<p>geogirl1, thanks for repeating the comment from your mother-in-law. I’m not advocating worrying as a way of life, but if one is a worrier, there will always be something in one’s child’s life to worry about. This was really brought home to me a few years ago, when I went to my brother-in-law’s funeral. He was about 60 when he died. And there were his parents, in their late 80s/early 90s, having to mourn the loss of their only son to cancer.</p>

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<p>I wish I had known this before our oldest son went off to college last fall, 2000 miles away from home. Looking back, there WERE a few signs he was struggling, but I discounted them. He has ended up with a pretty severe mental illness that has rocked all of us. He’s still in school, but I’m not sure what will happen next year. His grades in engineering school first semester were excellent, but now he’s having a really hard time. I never expected to be in this position - worrying about him all the time, and wondering if he will be able to live up to his potential (he’s a very bright kid). Now I just want him to be happy and functional. I found a good counselor who can listen to me share my deepest feelings and concerns. I am very thankful for her.</p>

<p>My main advice to parents would be to get your child into a doctor if you have ANY concerns about their mental well-being. Since this has happened to DS, I have been shocked at how many people’s young adult children are going through similar trials.</p>

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<p>Hi YDS!! Great great topic for a new thread and I liked reading your OP. I have no magic answer, but I think your son will turn out okay either way! I’m gonna bookmark this thread and come back when I have more time…</p>

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<p>Freshman year, I admit I did most of the calling and he knew that if he didn’t offer a proof of life by Sunday night I was going to hunt him down. This year, I am much better and frankly rarely call him at all because he calls me! And while he is getting straight A’s for the most part, I think I wouldn’t mind the B+'s if he had a stronger connection to the school and a large group of friends. I’ve spoken about this elsewhere, but I can’t figure out if he just dumps on me and then, once relieved of the burden, goes off on his own merry way or if those conversations are just the tip of a very deep and unhappy iceberg. </p>

<p>Some of his unhappiness rests in his not playing sports in college. And you know, it’s not as if it’s really the playing as much as I think it’s being part of that group of friends. That fraternal connection, so to speak. But I was talking to a friend of mine whose son is really loving playing hockey at the next level. But she too worries that while my kid might be struggling at times, he is learning so much about himself and yet, her son is still, more or less, maintaining a certain schedule that he had in HS. And too, while he wants to go to medschool and wishes he could major in science, playing sports requires he have the minimum amount of hours devoted to labs and only during second semester or even summer school due to the hockey season. </p>

<p>The point? Dont really know. And I don’t think S can be deemed “unhappy” because so much great stuff happens for him as well, and he DOES seem to enjoy that. But it hasn’t been this “college is going to be the best years of your life” BS that maybe he thought it would. </p>

<p>But I think life in general is all about balance. So while a kid making B+'s MIGHT be able to get straight A’s - would that upset his apple cart so they all come tumbling? We certainly dont want that. And all I know is that when I hear my son’s ringtone on my phone, I drop whatever I am doing and answer it. :)</p>

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<p>These are all great posts! Thanks for contributing. And many good thoughts to those who are struggling with really serious stuff.</p>

<p>The whole prefrontal cortex thing is what really has me rethinking my ideas on this. I heard a lecture a few weeks ago on adolescent brain development and how it really doesn’t stop until the mid-20s. Ever since then, I have heard an amazing array of stories from moms of, yes, mostly boys and some of the knucklehead things the guys have done and how the moms aren’t sure of when/how to intervene. Exs: College freshman son who got a speeding ticket and hadn’t taken care of it the day before the deadline; does she jump in and save him/nag him when she really wants him to be responsible for it (knowing that NOT taking care of it in the next 24 hours would cost her $300 more)? HS senior son who got caught with friends drinking on a school trip and he took the fall because all his college apps were done and he didn’t think there would be any consequences for him. College freshman who got a consumption by a minor citation. In that case, does the parent write it off as bad luck that the kid got caught doing what most college kids do, or do you still try to maintain a level of control by saying “two strikes and we bring you home”?</p>

<p>Just had to share that after my first post, a former neighbor dropped by and proceeded to brag about his dd’s, one a college freshman and one a college senior. The freshman hasn’t made below a 96 despite carrying an 18-hour load and being bored; the senior is pouting about her one B in four years. He’s always been an insufferable brag. I love the irony of the timing. :D</p>

<p>I guess up until now I have been really confident about my parenting and was looking forward to “retirement.” Like dh, I’m a little bummed that the kids aren’t able to handle it all on their own. I haven’t been worried that much about him because he seems so happy, but now I’m wondering whether I should be a little more hands on and provide some nudges.</p>

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<p>The only reasons we stay on younger s about grades are (a) to keep the scholarship, , and 9b) to be compeitive for med school or engineering jobs where they want the student to have a 3.5 + GPA</p>