So I have always been a really good student. In high school I was super active with my school and got good grades and all of that. I got into the University of Maryland and I was very excited to go but none of my friends went to the school so I was going alone.
I had a very hard time adjusting to life on campus, at least 3 times a day I would just completely break down because of how much I dislike it here. I had no friends and all of my attempts to make friends had not worked out. I joined clubs that interested me, and talked to the people in my classes but no one seemed to be willing to even really talk to me. This has continued for a a couple months and I am more miserable and hopeless now than I have ever been in my entire life. I have a therapist I go to as well (I saw her in high school too) but even that isn’t helping the situation.
At this point I am so lost with what I should do. I have absolutely no friends and nobody on campus knows anything more about me than maybe my name. I hate it here so much but I don’t know if I have another choice. I feel like I have been doing all of the right stuff but none of it is working. Being this alone is not something I feel like I am handling very well. Any advice would be appreciated.
Big hug.
I promise you that you are not the most miserable kid on campus right now. You need to seek out someone who is even lonelier than you, or find a volunteer organization which services needy children in the community, or get a campus job where you’re interacting with other people- serving pancakes in the dining hall, manning the help desk at the library?
Your job right now is NOT to make friends! Your job is to go to class and study, AND to maintain some level of human contact with peers, professors, TA’s, even the staff people (have you thanked the security guard at your dorm today?)
Friendships take time. And they WILL come, but not in the first few months. You need to keep yourself talking and communicating and walking and going to therapy until you find your place. You will find it- don’t give up!
A cousin of mine had a rough start to college, until he walked past a room where a folk dancing class was going on (trust me- he was no dancer). He walked in-- and saw a bunch of the International students (many of whom were ten thousand miles away from home- talk about homesick!) and smelled the refreshments which they’d set out for after the class.
That was the beginning of some lifelong friendships, including a summer in Nepal, attending a wedding in Ethiopia, and some hilarious cultural misunderstandings when he’d bring his buddies home for breaks and vacations.
Trust me- there are students on campus feeling sad because their families live too far away to come for parents weekend. They can’t go home for Thanksgiving because the flights are too expensive for such a short break. They aren’t attending football games on weekends because in their countries, football is soccer and they don’t understand what a quarterback is and what the heck he’s doing.
And of course- lonely students who’d be happy to sit with you during lunch and dinner, who live in the area/state/region, and are just having trouble finding their peeps like you are.
Keep it up with your therapist. Big hugs.
Thank you. I guess I just don’t know where to find people I click with. The clubs I go to I always feel like an outsider. Also I normally say hi to people at the dining hall and ask for help with my homework (even if I don’t need it) to possibly make friendships but I always get the feeling that people aren’t interested in me. It’s really hard to justify keeping on trying when every single time I have tried I feel rejected
I don’t have anything to add other than to echo that it takes time to make friends and feel comfortable. Please know that you aren’t alone in your feelings.
I feel you. My kid at Stanford never got to have mid-night deep discussions with his roommates during his freshmen year because all of them were so busy and hung around with the kids who had the same major. For most part, I think it’s not a good idea to throw in kids with different interests and expect them to learn from each other; I think this is why Stanford is changing their residence operation system. I visited Stanford cafeteria many times, and there are many kids eating alone, whether by choice or not. It’s not easy to develop good friendships in this age of iPhones and texting. Hang in there, try to exercise to generate some endorphin. Sometimes this period of aloneness might be a good time to learn to really like yourself.
My point is what you are going through is not unusual, and I believe is a symptom of a deeper problem for this generation. When you have too many things to do alone, such as texting, watching movies on your computer, exercise etc., it becomes harder to connect.
Try to relax about making friends and change your focus. (I have known several couples in my lifetime who tried and tried to get pregnant, they gave up, started the process to adopt, and in all cases ended up with two children very close in age). I’m not suggesting that you give up, just dig deeper into something else available at your campus to focus on ( your academics, research, theater, walking, running, whatever) and let go of the press to make friends. Stay open though and be prepared for the fact that you may meet someone at the most unexpected time or place. This is true of all life’s relationships, not just those in college.
Thank you. That was helpful
My point is what you are going through is not unusual, and I believe is a symptom of a deeper problem for this generation. When you have too many things to do alone, such as texting, watching movies on your computer, exercise etc., it becomes harder to connect.
I couldn’t agree more with this statement from Websensation. I truly believe we are damaging our youth (and more) with this constant use of technology including social media. We have more young people than ever suffering from anxiety and depression. The human mind is not meant to replace physical and face to face contact with screens. Kids/teens aren’t learning to interact and socialize the way they used to and the human heart and brain is not meant for social media while it’s still developing.
When I was in college (a hundred years ago) everyone was always talking to another. There was so much more face to face contact that you couldn’t help but meet people. I remember meeting a new friend in a registration line. Now nobody is looking up from their device long enough to notice one another let alone hear them due to the earbuds.
The others have given you great advice. I noticed on a FB page where my son goes to school that a local church was inviting the college kids to attend. That might be a welcoming place for you if you are so inclined. Hang in there. Keep at it. I truly believe it will get better.
First of all, how have you been in college for two months? Classes didn’t start until the 26th. So at most, it’s been fewer than seven weeks. Why did you start crying three times a day? What does your therapist say?
Please read this: http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/2016222-to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc-p1.html
Friends don’t happen overnight, or even in seven weeks. It takes time. You are
not the only person who feels like this. It will happen, just not as quickly as you think.
You are doing things right. Keep going to clubs. Get a campus job in a sociable place like the gym or bookstore. Get involved in volunteering or with campus religious groups. Join study groups. Stay out of your room if you’re in a single. Be where other people are. Carry a bag of candy or cookies, and if people are nearby who look approachable, pull out the bag, eat one, and offer some to a stranger. Persevere. You’ll be okay.