I want to optimize coverletter

Hi,

I have been out of the job market for awhile and restarting my life as a janitor of the grocery store, 1 year in retail.
I hope that this coverletter will impress the employer, or else I will continue to mop aisle eight for spaghetti spill, while picking up bloody female tampon’s full of semen and urine night after night from the two female bathroom, for customers and for employee only bathrooms. It is a tough job market and without ‘honest’ and ‘good opinion’ that can steer the direction of my coverletter, I will see no hope.

Please see if there is any grammar, structure, CONTENT, length, flow or most importantly PERSONALITY in the coverletter, so that I can be differentiated and liked by my future employers. If you guys give great feedback this suffering will end soon.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am impressed by the tremendous accomplishments that Goldman Sachs continues to achieve, most recently by beating first quarter expectations as well as surpassing the trillion dollar mark in assets under management. In particular, I admire the culture of friendly but serious competition that Goldman Sachs is known for. I’d like to be an analyst at the firm and I believe that my portfolio management skills for measuring risk will prove an asset to your firm.

The skills I developed working for Vanguard investments match the job description for the position of an analyst. Under the manager, Jimmy Garrent, I was responsible for finding changes in Acme Packet stock. I was able to find financial data impacting the stock by looking over declining growth in historical revenue and EPS. Due to weak data I found in my analysis, I predicted that the stock value would decline and I advised dumping it. Eight months later the stock declined by 50.95%, saving the company a loss of $35.26 per share. Looking at data and making accurate conclusions was vital to my success at Vanguard investments. I would love to apply these skills working for Goldman Sachs.

I see on the job description a stress test is required. I have a proven track record of financial modeling in my studies. By utilizing the CAPM formula, I was able to measure the return on the portfolio and determine that the portfolio would rise 28.56% in the next year. As a result, it outperformed the S&P 500 by 27.25%. My focus and desire to beat the market will live up to your standards of excellence.

I would very much like to join this exciting, success-driven organization. Together we can build the firm’s future and vision, while impacting the global economy. Please do not hesitate to call or email me for an interview. Thank for your time and consideration.