<p>Love , patience and perspective will carry your family through. Fear is playing a large part on the problems you are experiencing with them. They lack the knowledge of the steps and processes that are involved with applying/beingaccpted/enrolling into college. Believe me, this is not a race problem, don’t hate your heritage. My wife and I had to learn all this as well and we probably have more spare time. This process frightened us at times and getting all the paperwork squared away is very stressful. While it may suck to have to do extra “leg-work,” to get them to understand and comply, you are personally learning valuable skills if you’re finding yourself doing most of the paperwork. Their just stressed and scared, worrying whether things will work out. Just make sure you explain each part of the process and what their role will be and you’ll all get thru it.</p>
<p>I’m trying to teach my kids to say “Interesting point, Mom.” “Good thought, I’ll consider that.” “Yes, I’ll take that into consideration.” And similar comments that make me feel like I’ve been heard - after which they can do what they want/need to do. It makes me feel like I’ve done my ‘job’ as a parent which is to make them aware of what I perceive to be the issues/risks/trade-offs. And it doesn’t diminish their autonomy or turn into an issue of respect/power/control.</p>
<p>Read “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. She has some good ways to frame things into arenas. You may not get the parents to change, but you can learn to manage your responses and your mindset. </p>
<p>You might also consider counseling – for yourself alone and then, later, with them. It may be the parents are afraid for you and think their harping is “helping” you.</p>
<p>This isn’t necessarily tied to having Asian parents.</p>
<p>This is a pretty common feature among parents who immigrated from less developed countries, and it seems like this is an Asian cultural thing, when it actually has more to do with the fact that many Asian parents were immigrants.</p>
<p>Lol counseling?
I guess one thing I like about having an asian family is that we don’t believe in counseling. We just move along 
That being said, thanks everyone for your helpeful advice and please keep them coming, reading it is like catharsis</p>
<p>OP: Don’t take your parents for granted. Yes, maybe they are annoying sometimes, but they are what you’ve got. You may find some other people very cool and not annoying at all, but they are not yours and they will not make any sacrifice for you like your parents have been doing, and they certainly will not contribute one cent to your UIUC tuition. Be thankful and take advantage of your opportunities.</p>
<p>Ha, parents come in many flavors sprinkled across all cultures. In most cases, the parents want to control more than appreciated by the teens.</p>
<p>Long ago I read this interesting explanation about teen family turmoil. Teens see older siblings and peers, and they want to be treated like them. For example, a 16 year old teen would likely be asking for freedoms more appropriate for an 18 year old. The situation is further complicated by parents having tendency to treat the teen 2 years younger. In above example, the 16 year old has 18 year old expectations and parents are still stuck in 14 year old mind set… ie 4 year “gap” ;)</p>
<p>PS - My turmoil this week involve my 85 year old father not wanting to part with his motorcycle. So yea, maybe children and parents never see eye to eye on everything.</p>
<p>Wait until you get to college and start comparing notes on how bad your parents are. You may think it’s because of your ethnicity but it’s a common thread for teeens and parents to be on totally different pages. My 1/2 Asian son likely had more complaints about me, his Us born parent, than his father. And yeas, college teens are embarrassed by their parents- reagradless oth those parents’ advanced degrees. It’s a matter of personality differences. What “obedient…” child was someone talking about??? Not any teen I know of- kids need to grow past compliance and be their own persons.</p>
<p>Short answer- don’t worry. You are normal with normal parents. Their quirks are no better/worse than any others. You get to leave home and enjoy college- do so.</p>
<p>PS- I sometimes wonder why all Asians are lumped together- Chinese/Korean/SE Asian/Indian et al. Many disparate cultures. Same intensity can be found among US born and raised parents of European descent like me.</p>
<p>If it helps to know, my (non-Asian) son heard Amy Chua speak at his college and called to berate me for not pushing him harder (I could have played at Carnegie Hall, Mom!!). In fact, a picture he had taken with her is his Facebook Profile photo. We (parents OR kids) just can’t win!</p>
<p>OP, I’m an Asian parent, and I know exactly what I’m guilty of. On behalf of your parents, I apologize. But get back to work now
I remember for S3’s religion class, parents were asked to write a letter to our kids to tell them what we expected of them now that they were leaving home to go off to college. I told my S to tell the religion teacher that 1) Asian kids already know what’s expected of them, and 2) Asian parents don’t write letters like that. Take heart, you are not alone. My kids know I love them, and you should know that your parents would stop at nothing for you.</p>
<p>OP, if you think having white parents is a bowl of cherries, I need to introduce you to one of my inlaws, who has driven her dear, sweet, eager-to-please daughter into life-threatening anorexia with her extreme helicoptering. And yes, she’s white.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone who said you’re barking up the wrong tree here. Frankly, I think any parent who has created a profile on a website to be publicly concerned about their kids’ college experiences is just nuts! Every time I see a parent on CC say something along the lines of “we’ve been working hard on his scores,” it makes me want to thank my mom for not being crazy and overbearing like that. Of course I don’t actually thank her for it because I can’t TELL her I appreciate her parenting, but maybe one day I’ll let her know that I’m glad she never took credit for my actions or inserted herself into my affairs without being asked.</p>
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<p>Loved this :)</p>
<p>Immigrant , Professional Asian mom here. Did my post graduate studies in this country. Know the system. Let my teen have total control over her choices. Have let go of my cultural inhibitions to a certain extent.
And then I hear from my teen at various times that I know nothing about the system in America ; I am too controlling ; I am not aware of social customs here ; why don’t I leave her alone like the American parents, why don’t I get her a car even tho she has no job, nothing lined up for summer, why am I after her to complete the requirements before cocollege begins???
Little does she know I am on CC all the time and know exactly what the American parents are up to:))
To the OP : talk to your parents, involve them in the process, tell them everything, ask their opinions.
Still might not change much , I know, my Asian parents are pretty annoying too!lol!</p>
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<p>Can’t hide either. We need to be there whenever needed.</p>
<p>Lol…mom0809. Loved the letter.</p>
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One of my neighbors, who is white (and a mother), once told us that her high school daughter complained to her about why she had not pushed her harder, when she found she was not able to dance as well as some of her classmates (even though she was sent to dance classes while she was younger.)</p>
<p>Later when the daughter was in college, we heard from the same neighbor that her daughter said she was “behind” in almost every subject academically at a state school (she was in some relatively “hotter” major which could more likely lead to a job and therefore more competitive students were in it), even though she had always been a honor student in high school. She also refused to take her less than ideal SAT the second time, and both the mother and daughter thought some 50 points or so less than 1000 (back in 1600 full score days) should be about the same as 1000.</p>
<p>When the mother replied that she herself chose to quit the dancing lessons, the daughter shot back that “Why would you listen to a 5 (or 6 or7) year old? It is your job to insist that I was staying in the dance class no matter what I said at that time.”</p>
<p>The parents can never win, one way or the other. LOL.</p>
<p>I think that line of when to push or not is difficult to know and different for different kids. </p>
<p>Mostly, I have just tried to keep pointing out to my son what I think he is capable of. That it is up to him to perform at the level. If it is less than we both know he can do then he can’t just say it was too hard, he needs to take responsibility for his own performance. </p>
<p>I think it would be a cop out for a student to say something like they would have worked harder if the parent had pushed them more. It is up to the parent to be able to know when to push and when to back off but ultimately it is up to the kid to decide how hard they are willing to work.</p>
<p>^ Exactly! To do it just right distinguishes a good parenting from a bad parenting. But it is not easy to get it right. (I wish we have done it mostly right.)</p>
<p>Be thankful your parents will pay for college. It is worth saying, “Interesting. . .Yes, I’ll consider that.” And don’t forget, “Thank you!” (One of my sons–hs junior–has already mastered these “feel good phrases”–unfortunately, he says “Yes” when he has no intention of doing what he’s agreed to any time soon. I’m not completely fooled, but the right words and tone of voice do help avoid bickering and make our relationship much more pleasant.)</p>