<p>My S is in his second year at BS and is not thriving. He's lost a lot of confidence (academically and athletically). His school is pretty competitive and, in the sink or swim environment, he's metaphorically sinking. I know it's part of growing up and we are sending good thoughts his way ("it will be okay" message), but any ideas on how we can help him? What should we lean on the school to do, if anything?</p>
<p>G, don’t know if your S/D is soph/junior/senior, but what helped me through was getting OUT for a term. My school had an off campus program in DC, which I did in the spring of my junior year and it was a lifeline. Start looking at summer alternatives or term study programs off campus…get your kid involved so it’s something they’re excited about and can look forward to. Sometimes a change of scene and new faces/friendships can be the perfect intervention. (By senior year it’s easier in general as the whole class is focused on moving on…)</p>
<p>My cousin also had a simialr experience and got out of her intense city prep school and went to the Mountain School in VT for a semester.</p>
<p>I worried about this problem with one of my children. I was not happy w/ the response of her advisor so I made an appointment to talk about my concerns in person. It was a good move for us because I was also able to meet w/ most of her teachers and we worked out a game plan as to how to help my child. Now on yr 2 of BS, D is better adjusted and thriving. As for the advisor, I asked my D to request a new one. Your son may need a person he feels comfortable to talk to. I hope that helps you.</p>
<p>From what my d relates, the winter term is the most difficult. …cold (especially this year), shorter days, lots of work, etc. Stay in touch with his advisors and dorm counselors, if you aren’t doing that already. They may have some ideas. Perhaps he could take the opportunity to try some new things. BS offers so many choices. Care packages are always welcome. He might also need some extra support…tutoring, counseling, etc. It’s tough for kids this age to reach out for what they need. </p>
<p>My d has had more homesickness this year too. I’ll be interested to hear of others’ experiences.</p>
<p>I’d be curious to hear from someone who threw in the towel and transferred schools, and how that turned out.</p>
<p>Working with his advisor is a good idea. Teenagers are more attentive to the advice from the school than from the parents. He/she also has easier access to him than you do. Be specific about your concerns and expectations, try to be on the same page as the advisor, and work out a plan all parties can keep track of. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, try to be more patient and optimistic. Kids mature at different times. If he himself does not want to be there any more, I’d consider getting him back to a local school; otherwise be positive about the future. He has many many years of life ahead of him. It’s only high school. I am sure he’ll learn a great deal in his BS including some lessons he can benifit from in the future. Good luck!</p>
<p>Edit: It’s only the second year of high school. You’d be surprised how kids would suddenly grow up!</p>
<p>Def. contact his advisor and discuss the issue. Perhaps they can steer him into a less competitive EC at the school which he hasnt explored and in which he may thrive (newspaper, drama, etc).
It can be very difficult to adjust to a high pressure BS if you were a “big fish” among people, and here you are in a completely new environment that is comprised of mainly “big fishes”. If at all possible, follow up your conversation with the advisor by driving up and taking your kid to lunch/attending a game. If not, keep at the advisor and perhaps have a chat with the coach.</p>
<p>If this helps, advisor is attentive (and willing to help) but is not close to S so I am not sure what plan/advice he should be deploying. I know my S but have never experienced a total loss of confidence before. What is somewhat interesting, and troubling, is he has not bonded with any adult faculty/coach/advisor and that’s part of why he feels alone and sinking at BS.</p>
<p>Not bonding with any adult at the school is a big red flag. These schools have lots of adults interacting very closely with the kids. I would also be concerned if my C had not found a confidant and supporter in some teacher, coach, etc. I would call the school counseling office. They may be able to help. They may be able to find a new advisor that might be a better match. If nothing else talking to a school counselor could be a great way for your S to vent. Also, they could make sure there was not any depression playing in to this. Depression often first emerges in the teen years, wherever they are in school.</p>
<p>If he feels alone, and sinking at BS, then I think you should talk with him about what he wants to do. I think PrepintheSouth’s advice is very good. Some time away from campus could help. At almost two years, it isn’t homesickness any more. Whatever he is not finding at boarding school, I too worry when you say that he has not bonded with any adult. Does he have a circle of friends?</p>
<p>My earlier post was probably too abrupt. My point was that one of the things I’d be considering–along with all the good ideas others have posted–is transferring to another school–either another boarding school or back home. </p>
<p>The important thing is how he would feel about leaving: would it mean a further loss of confidence or would it be an enormous relief? In general, I don’t believe in it’s good for kids to quit, but the high school years are short, and I’d hate to have my kid miserable for most of them in hopes that things will turn out okay in the undefined future.</p>
<p>Of course, there’s lots of good advice above worth trying before taking any drastic steps…I’d just be starting to think outside the box a bit at this point in hopes of coming up with the best solution. </p>
<p>This must be tremendously difficult…my heart goes out to your family.</p>
<p>We threw in the towel. My son attended one of the big, old academic boarding schools in New England. We never saw it coming. BS was his idea, he had his pick of schools to choose from, and he never doubted his choice. But I suppose he was one of those kids who, for whatever reasons, boarding school wasn’t a good fit. Academically he did fine. Even made the honor roll. But socially, he was never comfortable. He’s not shy, either, and didn’t have any trouble making friends. Most people probably thought everything was fine. But as the school year went on, I just don’t think he was thriving in a living situation without any real parental or adult guidance. Some of his friends were getting into trouble with rule violations, and it was affecting him, even though he managed to stay out of trouble and keep his grades up. I think he was overwhelmed by the new environment and it affected his confidence.</p>
<p>As parents, we were a troubled by the lack of communication and supervision in the dorms. Advisors were somewhat non-existent, too. But those were our only complaints. In the end, we all decided together that it was best for him to come home. I’m confident that had we sent him back this fall, he’d figure things out and he’d be fine. Part of me regrets seeing him leave such a wonderful academic environment, but we were worried about him, and as parents who were used to having him around, it was hard on us having him there and not being able to really help him through some of the issues he was dealing with. </p>
<p>As it stands, he’s having a great year back home and seems like his old self again. He returned to a small private school and he’s excelling in sports and academics. Technically, he took a leave of absence and can return to boarding school next year. But he recognizes that he’s happier at home for now, and he’ll be heading off to college in a few years anyway.</p>
<p>Appreciate the thoughts. We think alot about a return to a local private school, and have offered it (and the old school will take him in a second), but S sees it as a failure and doesn’t want to “quit” --darn, I think he got that from me. I think his situation is a lot like Blake Robs: he’s without any real adult guidance or parental support. I don’t know if the right thing is to keep at it and he’ll eventually emerge full of growth from it or whether we will deeply regret not pulling the plug. Any ideas how we can get S to see that he has other options?</p>
<p>grinzing, my son’s former school was very helpful in talking to my son while he was trying to decide. He met with an advisor who told him how much the school cared about him and how everyone would love to have him back. They told him that they’ve experienced kids returning from boarding schools for many many years. One recent student returned from a HADES school. Just didn’t like being away from home. She went on to be valedictorian and early admission acceptance this year into her first choice for college. Most of all, she was very happy to be home. I think that conversation helped my son a lot. But it also helped that he had a very strong school to return to. </p>
<p>As far as regrets go, I think we have some, as does he. Not so much from a sense of failure or “quitting.” He recognized he wasn’t in an ideal situation, so his regrets are mostly about how something that seemed so perfect to him, wasn’t perfect after all.</p>
<p>BlakeRob, your son was not attending a HADES school?</p>
<p>@grinzing: if you see it’s necessary, I’m afraid you’ll have be the one to pull the plug. Otherwise nothing will change. I know it’s risky. What if he isn’t doing well or not happy in the local school? But you have to use the best judgement and make that decision for him, if you have decided that boarding school is not for him. Once he gets back and starts enjoying being home and handling “easier” academics and social scenes, he’ll be happy. Kids are adaptable.</p>
<p>Sometimes as parents we try to solve things for our kids rather than let them work them out. While we always need to rule out a medical issue like depression (which I would do by talking to a trained professional), I would not take the decision to leave boarding school away from my child. I think that would only reinforce the feelings he is having of not being able to cope.</p>
<p>I would let him know he has choices. Encourage him to look at other places - local or away. See if the school would give him a leave of absence for a semester to explore this. Just knowing that he doesn’t have to make a permanent decision may help him not feel so overwhelmed or defeated.</p>
<p>When my child faces something difficult like this, I find that the most important thing I can do is listen, not act. I let him know that what he is facing is hard and that I will support him any way he decides to go.</p>
<p>When my son first when to private school, he had a very difficult time fitting in with the other boys, all of whom had known one another for a much longer period of time. He struggled with this because he really loved being in a more academically challenging environment. Plus, he do not want to give up and go back to public school. While he confided in us about the situation, he asked for us to not bring it up to the school and took it upon himself to work it out.</p>
<p>This year, he wrote a poem about his struggle to fit in and the outcome for his admission essay to boarding school. Looking back, he is very proud of himself for having learned to cope. I’m glad we didn’t take that away from him by trying to smooth things over even though it was very hard to watch him suffer through it.</p>
<p>Anyone know how a transfer to another school might work? If the DC is not thriving, I would think other schools would want to stay clear of that applicant.</p>