If I'm succeeding at school but not enjoying myself, should I consider transferring?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Hey all, it's been quite some time since I last posted here.</p>

<p>I'm now about 3 weeks into my sophomore year at my university and I'm doing okay, but I feel sort of depressed or burnt out--like the future is bleak.</p>

<p>The plus side is that my grades are pretty good, I'm healthy, I'm slowly coming around to getting my foot in the research door, I got a summer job, I've been lifting. But in my year+ that I've been here, I don't have one number in my phone of a person (male or female) that I could call up to ask what's going on, or to visit or have lunch with, or joke around with. I have nobody. </p>

<p>Of course, ma says (and she has to) that, "you're surrounded by friends, they just don't know you want to hang out with them yet" but that's meaningless to me.</p>

<p>I wanted to join some clubs, particularly boxing because I figured it'd help me relieve my aggression and frustrations. The parents didn't want me doing that. Other clubs don't meet regularly and feel like more of an excuse for people to put something on their resume. I went to my local toastmasters club (which meets only twice a month) and I'm figuring I'll throw caution to the wind and join it just for the public speaking/conversation boost, but these are older people and not my peers, and I don't know how much it can teach me about making friends with my generation.</p>

<p>I guess I don't really know how to approach people and form friendships? I'm not so anxious that I can't operate in the day-to-day, but I spend most of my free time on my computer either in a library, student union, or dorm room.</p>

<p>So I don't know what the answer is, is it me? Is it that the school just isn't a great fit and I'd do better at an LAC maybe? I don't know what the answer is. Like I said, school's going well so far but it's more a less <em>in spite</em> of my schooling climate, if that makes sense. I'm not really enjoying myself here.</p>

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<p>I am in the same boat. Your problem is that you are matured, while students around you are not. From personal experience, I am 18 yet the only close friends I have are 24 and 28.</p>

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<p>Join the boxing club- it’s your life, not your parents. There are many clubs that DO meet regularly and are because the students are passionate about it. For example, at my school we have the Society for Ancient Languages. People join because they’re definitely passionate about Latin (Greek is offered occasionally, but not really a focus). It’s the same with other organizations. Find something you love and do it well. </p>

<p>Also, there’s nothing wrong with befriending older people. It all depends on where you’re at in your life and where they’re at in theirs.</p>

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<p>Apply to some schools you could see yourself at. I live next to some great LAC’s (Claremont consortium). I think they have a good time.</p>

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<p>Usually social problems can make the school seem really bad but once you make friends, the school will seem okay again. </p>

<p>I think you should keep an open mind while joining things. For example, don’t join a club and assume it’s just a resume-builder or everyone there is to build their resume. If you are active in one and start participating in events, going to meetings, etc. you will make friends easily. What I have found is that people join because it looks good, but end up making really good friends in the process and it ends up that putting it on your resume is just a plus.</p>

<p>Do you ever initiate conversation as well? Especially at meetings for things?</p>

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I don’t think transferring is the answer. Looking back a few posts I see you wrote

So its 5 years that you’ve been without friends. One can rationalize this by putting the blame on everyone else back in HS and in college now, concluding that changing colleges will fix things so can be around the right set of kids. Personally, I think it would more be just trying to run from yourself.</p>

<p>There ARE things you can do, and this is the perfect time to do them. Many colleges provide counseling for students. From your earlier posts I think you are at UW-Madison, which provides counseling 100% free to students. See [Mental</a> Health Counseling & Psychiatry](<a href=“http://www.uhs.wisc.edu/services/counseling/]Mental”>http://www.uhs.wisc.edu/services/counseling/)</p>

<p>For whatever reason(s) it sounds like you haven’t developed the set of social skills that would make you happy. The contempt you show at times for others isn’t helping (eg “Other clubs don’t meet regularly and feel like more of an excuse for people to put something on their resume.”) </p>

<p>If you reach out and make the effort, you can change things more to your liking. As one researcher in the field has written

Its not unusual for college kids to have failed to develop the social skills they want. That’s why many U’s offer individual and group counseling to help people that want to change figure out how. Changing colleges and hoping things fix themselves is, I believe, unlikely to work for you. You’d waste 2 valuable years; this year you’ll put all your eggs into the transfer basket waiting for next year to fix things. The following year it would gradually dawn on you that things are about the same for you, with another year flushed away. </p>

<p>You have 3 years left that are the ideal time to work on this. There are tens of thousands of kids your age right around you now. Once you graduate and start working you will be around colleagues of all different ages, most of which spend time with their families and not hanging out with people from work. Nor are you likely to live in an area with as many people your age around as you do now.</p>

<p>But nothing is going to change by itself. Unless you make an appointment and go, I think you can expect more of the same.</p>

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<p>Your parents should not be telling you not to be involved in particular physical activity clubs. Join what you want and what interests you and you will have a good chance to find like minded people or at least you will have a common interest.</p>

<p>mikemac wrote a very good post. Pay attention. If you can’t find friends at UW, if that’s where you are, then you either aren’t trying, or are being too judgy, or need help in figuring out why not. Changing schools is not a solution. Since you are at a good school, learn to make it work.</p>

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<p>To be honest, I don’t think transferring schools would help. Transfer students can often have a harder time making friends for a variety of reasons, and if you’re already struggling to find a friend group, then transferring’s probably not going to make that any better.</p>

<p>Try to be active about making friends, rather than expecting friendships to just for randomly around you. Join clubs, but try to be actively involved in them. Go to events, try to get on a committee to plan an event, maybe you could even get involved and try to arrange more regular meetings of clubs that you’re really interested in. Join a boxing club if that’s what you want to do, and just don’t tell you’re parents. It’s your business, not theirs. Perhaps, you could try to form a study group or get a part time job where you’ll be working with a lot of other students.</p>

<p>If you’re always on your computer in your room, it’s hard to get out and meet people. Try to find ways where you’d see the same group of people repeatedly (like at work or in class or at a club, etc) and just talk to them. Invite them to get a cup of coffee or to try out a new restaurant or see a movie. I don’t really think transferring schools would automatically get you a new group of friends, but if you decide you do want to transfer, make sure you do it for the right reasons, not just because you feel like the grass will be greener over there. You may find that college students and environments are pretty similar across campuses, especially if you transfer to a school in the same geographic region or that pulls a majority of students from the same general area.</p>

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<p>Story of my college life. I would rather stay home and play PS3 rather than go out to meet people. Social stuff can be pretty easy for some, but it can also be super hard to others. I personally, have to overcome huge obstacles in order to become more social. </p>

<p>But honestly, I feel more “peer pressure” to become social rather than my own desire. I think it may not be correct if social correctness imposes its own rules upon you. If you are happy by yourself, why meet others?</p>

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<p>If your perfectly happy with your life, your grades are good, and you are doing well in experiences that will prep you for a career or further schooling, then there’s no reason to change. Why would you? You’re an adult, and if staying in by yourself isn’t interfering with anything, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But the OP made it seem liked they weren’t happy with their situation–that they wanted to hang out with friends but they were having trouble developing relationships with people where they could just call someone up to chat.</p>

<p>It can be hard work to meet new people in a new city and a new environment, but if that’s important to you, then you have to figure out a system, unless you are never going to relocate to a new area again. If that’s not important to you, then it doesn’t matter, really. There are tons of other things that you could be focusing on instead, and they may be just as rewarding and fulfilling to you. There’s nothing wrong with that.</p>

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<p>Actually, I am not happy with my situation either. My biggest problem when meeting people is that I simply have no idea what to talk about. I am not a shy person at all; I simply don’t know what to talk about in a conversation with a fellow student. I usually ask their major, how long they have been studying here, and what subjects are they taking; but that’s clearly not enough to establish a close relationship with a student. What to talk about?</p>

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<p>One “easy” excuse to be social is to establish “study buddies” for your various classes. Whether or not you need someone to work with in order for you to succeed at the homework, you may have something to offer to that other person. And remember that the best way to learn is to teach. </p>

<p>After a study session, schedule to go out for a cup of coffee or some ice cream as a reward for your hard work (with your study buddies). </p>

<p>Are you involved in your classes? Do you contribute or sit quietly in the back row? Get involved, speak up, make fun of the teacher with your neighbor, whatever. </p>

<p>I don’t know if you are into gaming while you are on your computer, but I can guarantee that there are many others who would love to game with you. </p>

<p>Talk to strangers about the weather, about the awesome lecture you just came from, about your dog (or their dog)… just talk to people… friendships will come.</p>

<p>And practice smiling… people who smile are seen as warm and approachable.</p>

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<p>hi wiscongene! before i go any further i want you to say hi back to me. WITH a wave. thanks.</p>

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<p>My mistake–your post made it sound like you were perfectly happy on your own, but you felt peer pressure to be more social than you would like to be. Sometimes meeting people in a certain context that has a built in topic of conversation can help, if you have trouble coming up with small talk. Setting up a study group is one example, since you can talk about the class and chat about other things as they just come up. You could also invite people to go to the movies or try out a new restaurant, which both have built in topics of conversation. If you’re a part of a club or org that does service activities or other sort of planned events, that can be a way to meet people because you already have something to talk about (whatever the event or project is). You can also get a part time job (especially on campus) that hires a lot of students, and you can talk to your coworkers (about the job, if nothing else, but other topics of conversation usually come up and it gets easier as you get to know each other). Try to meet people in situations where you already have something to talk about, and then as you get to know each other, it’ll become more natural to talk about random things.</p>

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<p>^ I think you are confusing 2 different posters/situations.</p>

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<p>wiscongene, come back :(</p>

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<p>Transferring is’t the answer because you will have the same problems anywhere. I bet your school has a counseling service that could help.</p>

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<p>Sorry for the confusion, I was speaking to Wiscongene and guyfromTTU separately. I tried to make that clear, but sorry if I didn’t.</p>