<p>Dh dragged ds to college fair this evening. Ds did not interact with recruiters at all. Wore state U hoodie - not represented at fair. State U is expensive. As long as he gets 3 A-s or fewer in core subjects this year (3.8 core GPA), he will get $8K off per year but it will still cost us at least 12K per year. I can tolerate paying 12K per year for State U but I do not think it is worth 20K+, whether his friends are going there or not. With an ACT of 31+ and a GPA of 4.0+ I know he could get merit aid somewhere else where they have a good program in his area of interest. We would end up paying much less and he would get what I think would be a better preparation for his desired career. I am not convinced that state U has sufficient internships and connections in his desired career. It could be a wasted 4 years if they can't help him get employment later. I am anticipating that we would end up paying $100,000 to send him to state U. That's a lot of money. Shouldn't we get to decide? Grouchy Mom</p>
<p>If your son is not happy about college he will not succeed. Compromise, communicate, it’s not about the bottom line, it’s about your son.</p>
<p>Hmmmm. An interesting problem, and one I wish “we” had. Not that many can expect to pay less than state U, especially at 12K! I was expecting something totally different!</p>
<p>You can set limits on what you will pay for, but no, you shouldn’t get to decide. Only he knows what is going to make him happy, and forcing him to go along with your choices is a recipe for four years of complete misery (trust me, I endured two). There is DEFINITELY room for compromise here and the way to reach a happy decision between the two of you is not to run in wielding the checkbook and making demands. Let him know your limitations in what you are willing to do and let him work with it. There are thousands of colleges for him to choose from and he can choose something that suits both your needs without you choosing for him.</p>
<p>If he chooses to attend a school outside what you are willing to pay for, however, it would not be unacceptable for you to require him to come up with scholarships or loans himself to cover the rest. I am not saying you are obligated to pay out the nose for his every whim, just that you cannot choose for him. You can only tell him what you are willing to do and let him figure it out from there.</p>
<p>You could try to make sure she has a couple of options, just in case late April of her senior year she is not keen on State U.</p>
<p>The hardest thing to remember…your CHILD is going to college, not you (the parents). That being the case, if the money is not the deciding factor, I think the student should choose the school. Agreed with others…you can let your kiddo know your dollar limit, but within that limit, I think the kiddo should choose the school.</p>
<p>BTW…many large public universities have fine undergrad programs and decent connections within their communities for internships and jobs. </p>
<p>There is NO GUARANTEE of a job regardless of where your kiddo goes to school. </p>
<p>I will say…if your kiddo isn’t happy at the school, it is unlikely they will do well.</p>
<p>If you pick the college it will leave a permanent scar.</p>
<p>I don’t think, as others have said, it’s fair for you to insist on “deciding” where your son goes to school. But I think its important to insist that he apply to a lot of schools, not just state U. Rather than taking him to a college fair, which can be an overwhelming and impersonal experience, maybe research one or two schools you think offer better programs for him than State U and take him to visit them. He’ll never be happy at a place where you force him to go, but if you can show him why other schools might be desirable, even if his friends won’t be going there, you could score some points. </p>
<p>Order a bunch of the free booklets from colleges you think he would like, keep trying to explain to him what other colleges will offer, and insist that he applies to other colleges and visits all the ones that he gets in to. </p>
<p>In the end, if you can’t convince him, and you can afford it, you might just have to accept that he’ll go to State U, but keep trying to show him other schools that might also offer things that he wants. </p>
<p>Speaking of which, it might be good to try to get him to write down the things he wants in a school, other than a place where he knows people. You want internships and opportunities, but what does he want? He should know and take a little ownership of the process.</p>
<p>You might think that he will get merit aid at another school but whether the final package is cheaper than the state school … I doubt it. If you think there will be more jobs because he went to another school … what makes you think that likely?</p>
<p>I looked at college choice almost as a rite of passage into adulthood and my sons beginning to standing on their own two feet.</p>
<p>I set the financial guidelines, gave advice, and helped research but the decision was theirs. It was their life not mine. If my choice proved to be wrong, as yours could be, that is just not what I want them to remember about their last few months at home.</p>
<p>Sigh, maybe the reversal in our house. Our D could go to our extremely highly regarded public, especially in what would be her area… and for free (since we teach there). But alas, wants to get as far away as possible. Which is completely understandable, we really get her reasoning. But so hard to justify so much more money for what may not be as good or ‘better enough’ education. We have some time yet and we do want her to decide and we are fortunate enough to not require any debt for any place she goes…but it’s a tough one nonetheless.</p>
<p>I noticed your location was the midwest. There are some reallky good State Us in the midwest. Perhaps it’s not going to be such a detriment to his future. His future employment is much more dependent on him than it is on the career center at the colleges.</p>
<p>H an I did similar to others suggested. We discussed what we are willing/able to help S with financially. We give advice, help with research, analyze pros/cons and help track requirements/deadlines. But we believe it is his choice where to apply and eventually where to go.</p>
<p>Answer to OP’s question: </p>
<p>If you pay AND are the one attending, then you get to choose the college. </p>
<p>Otherwise it is a joint decision between the person attending and the person(s) paying.</p>
<p>I go against the grain on this issue. I told my kids up front I would not pay tens of thousands of dollars for a college I felt was a bad choice, and they understood and respected that. We jointly came up with lists of acceptable colleges, and it really wasn’t an issue in the end.</p>
<p>I think you get to say how much you’re willing to pay and set some parameters such as how far away your kid can go to college, but I don’t think you should be the one choosing the college. If money is an issue, I think you need to make it very clear now what you’re willing to pay each year, and what your kid would need to do to borrow or otherwise obtain the money to fill a gap if the college he wanted would cost more than you’d pay.</p>
<p>I also think that the parent can put parameters on what grades are required for the parent to continue to pay for college. This needs to be discussed before a kid goes off to college, not addressed for the first time after the kid gets a grade report that the parent finds unacceptable.</p>
<p>You can choose. Of course you can. It’s your money. If you don’t pay the tuition, he won’t be going to State U.</p>
<p>How much you should have input in the decision is another matter. On the one hand, if you think your son will just be wasting his time at State U, then you should think hard about whether to fund his timewasting. On the other hand, if you force him to go somewhere he doesn’t want to go, if he’s stubborn he could well flunk out just to show you, or do poorly and spend all his time playing video games, or in some other way fail to justify your expense. You know your son best.</p>
<p>In most families I know about, the decision of where the child goes to college is a joint one. The parents set some parameters and the child makes the ultimate decision.</p>
<p>If you are hoping for merit aid because of his scores you may be sadly disappointed. It seems most private schools have a handful of merit aid for the top dozen or so kids, and even if he had half paid for, that leaves 20-25,000 per year. Take the $12,000 tuition and smile!</p>
<p>In my book paying for college gives the parent a significant voice in the choice and perhaps veto power over a totally unacceptable, off-the-wall choice. But it should never come to that. And likewise it would be very unwise for a parent to force a child into a situation that is unacceptable to him. By discussing, setting mutual expectations up front, and both sides going into the process with a willingness to compromise, such big disagreements can be avoided.</p>