I'm a student - I need some help...

Parents Forum
1

<p>I'm depressed, this is about my third post on here, thoough all were different and in different "sections".</p>

<p>My dad died a few months ago. He was terminally-ill for about 2 years. He died in my living room and I don't want to stay at home, I just finished my freshman year. Also I have rage, not just anger, but rage against almost every member of my family. Only a few of them I am mad enough at that I will never be able to get over it. One of them committed a federal crime, another was cold towards me when my dad was sick (and sometimes mean) - This may not sound like much to an average person, but to someone carrying a lot of weight, some support would have gone a long way, well most of them really were nasty in their own way. I know its not me. What I've been through is not my fault.</p>

<p>I've been alone a very long time. I've thought a lot about suicide. And I came close once. But as I was about to do it, I was overcome with intense fear, and that anxiety, the fear of death is still with me now. Even now, I worry about dieing when I grow older. I am so afraid to die, even if it be natural causes or from old age.</p>

<p>Well, you know I'm really screwed, I feel terrible all the time. I have not had any leisure and lots of stress most kids at my age won't experience in their lifetime. Not necessarily more, just a different kind of stress. </p>

<p>I want to die, but at the same time my fear of death is greater. When I planned my suicide I wrote a really good note, that I beleive would have made everything better. I just don't want to sounds selfish, I just am filled, with fear, anxiety, sadness, and most of all hopelessness. I often think back to a few years ago when I was happy and for some reason that makes me really suicidal, probably because I know I can never go back, my new memories will haunt me until the day I die.</p>

<p>I think I would feel better if I transfered away to a distant college, and was able to make some friends. (I've skipped all social events at my school, even lied when I had to, to get out of the required social events.) I kinda took care of my dad, and that I think contributed to making me depressed, and again when he had seizures, and would fall and black out I would feel so hopeless. </p>

<p>And you whats twisted I am very mad at him, and yet I miss him. I could go into detail if people are interested and could offer help. </p>

<p>Basically now, I think I want to go for engineering, or pre-law. But I'm so conflicted right now I don't think I can make such a major decision like that. But I have too. I just want to make friends and be happy. And well I guess I'm asking what the hell you think I should do. I mean I'm worried about transfering away because I'm afraid I'll have to make friends or I'll be alone all the time, this will be worse if I'm away cuz I'll have to sit by myself at lunch and dinner and be alone in the tiny dorm.</p>

<p>I've seen a therapist and she was really good. But after talking about my problems with her I didn't feel any better. In fact I felt worse. I know the first thing I need to do is just laugh, have a good time, and make some friends, but I'm so afraid.</p>

<p>How do I get started? How can I deal with my rage? I wouldn't feel that mad if I didn't have to eat with and see these family members on a daily (for some)- months (for others)basis. I was constantly criticized when my dad was sick, and given a particulary hard time, rather then recieving help. I really need to get as far away from them as possible. My uncle would imply I'm stupid and be a complete jerk, and most of the time my mom would stick up for him saying he was drunk he didn't realize what hes saying, but the last time I contronted my mom she just said to deal with it. And I guess thats why I'm mad at her, because I know she was wrong, and she does to, she just give a damn. </p>

<p>I don't remember my initial question, I just need someone to talk to, though I find I'm seeking help less and less as 1 of the two only therapists I was kept telling me that "I don't think your brother was trying to be mean, or I don't think you need to get an apartment to get away from your family". This therapist was kinda rude in the beggining and a little callous. Its just the world seems so cruel and I just wish I could be a kid again, and it just makes me want to die, knowing I could never go back.</p>

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<p>Get a new therapist asap.</p>

<p>Don’t make any major decisions in the next year. That is common advice when losing a loved one. Make some small strategic moves (but not radical, far away, etc) to make life bearable. It would be okay to take a year off of school and just work and chill and go to therapy.</p>

<p>I’m sorry for your loss. </p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>If you are thinking about suicide, you need to get some help. Now. Keep the suicide prevention hotline number around in case you need it - they’re available 24/7
1-800-273-TALK</p>

<p>You sound like you’re depressed. You’ve seen therapists - is there a chance you could go back to the one who was good? You could also look into your college counseling center. The point is, you shouldn’t go through this alone.</p>

<p>I’m sorry about your dad. It’s natural to feel everything that you are experiencing now, and it’s normal to be angry too and to feel abandoned, like he has left you. It wasn’t his choice, but many people feel abandoned after a parent dies (I did after my dad died). It takes time to grieve.</p>

<p>You’re also recovering from the stress of caring for your dad. It sounds like you did a lot, over a long time, and caregiving is stressful. (Somewhere I read that half of family caregivers suffer from clinical depression). Be gentle with yourself.</p>

<p>About your family - maybe it would help to cultivate relationships away from them. Transferring to another college where you don’t have to be around them all the time might help, but you will still have to deal with them and the effect these relationships have on you. Even if you transfer, you still should get counseling. And if you do transfer, try to get involved in some activities at your new college. Don’t isolate yourself. And go to the counseling center there.</p>

<p>Take care and good luck. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.</p>

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<p>Yes, you do need to find a therapist that you can work with. Not every client “clicks” with every therapist. Keep looking till you find the right one.</p>

<p>You are deep in depression, and you can’t expect to feel better in a session or two. It may take quite a while, in fact. But it will happen, gradually. The important thing is to keep working at it – WITH a good counsellor. </p>

<p>Has anyone talked to you about anti-depressants? They will not solve your problems, and they are not a substitute for therapy, but they can stabilize you so that you can work constructively on getting better. </p>

<p>Hang in there. I know what that black hole feels like. But you can come out of it. It will take time and work, but I know you can do it.</p>

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<p>Thanks for your replies. I know I will feel better if I could get out of my house (constant fighting, (even if its not me, I sometimes have to intervene to “ease” the situation) this is keeping me down. The most important thing is I need to make friends. Its just been so long I never really had to go out and make freinds, I went to a catholic school and was with the same small (then highschool medium-sized) group of kids. </p>

<p>When I feel cornered like I have to make friends and I anxiety and just isolate myself. How can I transfer to an away college and prevent this? Would getting an apartment be better? If I join a club won’t everyone else have a friends there and I’ll just be standing there like an idiot. </p>

<p>Therapy can only help me, but my only cure is to make friends (releive stress) and get away from family (remove stress). </p>

<p>Would it be bad if I got an apartment alone? Or what if I dormed alone? Would dorming alone be best since I wouldn’t feel pressured since I can stay alone without someone knowing, yet I would be surrounded by other people in dorms.</p>

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<p>It is very difficult for a depressed person to visualize how they will behave when no longer depressed. I think this is why you cannot imagine making new friends.</p>

<p>I agree that you need some sort of help; maybe not a new therapist but perhaps grief counseling. It seems that you are entering the Anger stage of grief. </p>

<p>Look for grief counseling services in your area; they will identify if you need additional support for your depression.</p>

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<p>bcarvings:</p>

<p>My heart goes out to you. What you are going through is heart breaking and yet, sadly, not unusual in the aftermath of death after a long illness. You mention other family members; are you responsible for any of them, such as younger siblings? Do you feel burdened by these family responsibilities? Can you try to get others to step in and share them with you?
About the therapist, if you got along well, it may not be necessary to switch. Bear in mind that recovery from grief can take quite a while. If, however, you feel worse or do not see any progress, then do consider another therapist.
I would not suggest living on your own in an apartment. It can be very isolating, and you need to be more social (but on your own terms and time, not others’). If you feel that having a roommate means spending too much mental energy trying to be cheerful all the time or coping with a roommate’s idiosyncracies, then do look for a single room in a dorm. You can make friends with people on your floor but still have your privacy.
Try joining an organization; working together is the best way to melt the ice and make friends who can become your confidantes.
Is there a dean of students with whom you can discuss your situation? Many of them have dealt with situations such as yours and might have some good advice to share.
Good luck, come back, keep us posted and continue asking for advice.</p>

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<p>As someone who has struggled with chronic depression/PMS when I was younger- tried many meds, even though I didn’t like taking them- I want to give brief advice.</p>

<p>Medication can be invaluable to get you to a place where you can even think of benefiting from therapy.
When you feel gawdaful, therapy can’t do a lot on its own to help.
Depressed people don’t make great friends.
You know the saying " misery loves company?" well- no pne wants to be around them!</p>

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<p>emerald - Yeah I agree about the anti-depressents, I think I mentioned (or mabye I didn’t) that I’m going to take AD right before school starts to help give me a boost.</p>

<p>So I think I’ll get a single dorm. Now, when I first get there, like the first week, is it socially ok to sit by myself if I haven’t met anyone yet. I just can’t take any more anxiety, and I want to make sure I’m not pressured. What if I ate lunch at a time when the cafeteria isn’t busy so theres less people and I’ll feel more comfortable?</p>

<p>How did you, or your son/daughter do the first week? Did they sit alone at lunch the first week? Am I making this into a big deal when no one really cares? Or does it look bad?</p>

<p>I’m now considered just eating off- campus all the time so I don’t have to worry about this, but then I’ll be isolating myself again which is what I’m trying not to do…</p>

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<p>Why wait until “right before school starts?” You are struggling now. You deserve the help.</p>

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<p>Why are you waiting to begin medication? It doesn’t make any sense to wait. Do you realize that it takes time for the full effects of antidepressants to kick in? It can take up to 6 weeks before you feel any improvement. There is a trial and error period with these medications. One might not work as well as another plus adjustments in dosages may be needed. If you have been advised to take medication, you should seriously consider taking it now and not later. A good mental health professional will monitor you closely during the initial introduction of medication–first weekly, then bi-monthly, then monthly, and then at 3-month intervals. In between these times, you should be going for therapy.</p>

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<p>I read the withdrawal side-effects of lexapro and other SSRI’s are terrible, and that the longer you take the medication, the stronger the withdrawal side-effects are.</p>

<p>Amoung those I’m worried about (considering I’m a college student) are: Brain zaps, brain shivers, amnesia, difficulting thinking, insomia, ect.</p>

<p>I kinda had to ask for the anti-depressent the doctor didn’t suggest it. He is only a family doctor GP so treating depression isn’t exactly his specialty. But I beleive because its a mental problem it sometimes is easy for the person to know what they need to solve their depression (as in my case). I haven’t gone out with friends and had a good time in years. Thats all I need.</p>

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<p>bcarvings:</p>

<p>Ask your GP for referrals to a specialist.
As for making good friends, you won’t make them if you sit by yourself, eat off campus, etc… Let’s hope that by the time school begins again, your depression will be under control.
To make friends, you have to begin making acquaintances. Join a table where there are already some people there; even if you don’t make the first move, chances are that some of them will say hello. Take it from there in a low-key fashion. Join small group activities rather than large anonymous events. Strike a conversation with some classmates, join a study group. My S made friends with someone who had been assigned to a study group; they just hit it off over problem sets!</p>

<p>But right now, deal with your depression. As others have said, it takes a while for the medication to take effect. Good luck,</p>

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<p>My depression won’t be under control until I treat the cause. I need to get out and have some fun, until I do, I’m not going to feel any better. Sure medication will work momentarily(and not as well as socializing), but its not going to make me feel “happier”. Anti-depressents can just give me a boost to help myself have to will and energy to become happy through socializing. </p>

<p>Sometimes during the day I get really depressed, and I just feel like not transfering and just ending it. I’m afraid now to transfer, aren’t there dorms for transfer students, I don’t want to have all freshmen freinds I’m old enough as it is (almost 20). And with everything I’ve been through I would just feel like I wouldn’t fit it because I may feel more “mature”. Understand I’m not trying to sound like a jerk, I just am not a kid anymore. And just want to be able to fit in with friends I will enjoy, and whom will enjoy me.</p>

<p>If you look at my previous posts I wanted to drop out of high school my senior year, I was kinda depressed then too, but now I’m worse. Leaving college is not an option, as I want to stay in college as well. Working will make me feel worse.</p>

<p>If hitler could kill millions of jews out of cold blood, mabye I wouldn’t be sent to the same place he was if I end it. </p>

<p>I just need to make friends, but I’ll have to use crutches (AD) for a long time. I had some high school friends call me after my dad died, and they kepy asking me to hang out but I kept saying no. I want to call them back, just to get me out a bit (for leisure - not work). But I just get so low sometimes I just don’t care. I mean I have to post on here because I cannot talk to my asswhole family. You know I don’t like to often curse, but thats a good word for them. </p>

<p>It’s been too long since I was happy.</p>

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<p>I don’t want you to believe that the cure for your unhappiness is to transfer and move away. Sure, you’ll be physically away from the mess within your household but your emotional and mental issues will travel with you. You need to get professional help. </p>

<p>Your posts hint at some very serious issues. Until you address them, confront them, and seek professional help for them, they will continue to hinder your quality of life. Moving away won’t solve this. It’s important that you seek professional help ASAP. Print out your posts from CC. Make an appointment for a complete mental health evaluation. Bring the printed posts with you and let your mental health provider read them.</p>

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<p>I don’t need a therapist or a doctor. What I need is to get out and have some fun. I just spent the last two years trying taking care of my dad with constant life and death situations. Many people will go their entire lives and not have the intense stress that I have been through. During these past two years I’ve never went out socially once. Never really laughed much, and now don’t smile much. </p>

<p>Moving away and making friends WILL solve my (depression) problems. My problem is getting myself to move away and make friends, that is actually do what I need. </p>

<p>I don’t know why I’m posting on here. I know what I have to do, I’m just afraid it won’t work out. </p>

<p>I understand everyone here has different opinions, some of them are completely opposite, but I’m not asking on what I should do. I’m just asking how I should transfer. I think my question was answered really. A single dorm would probably be best for me. </p>

<p>I mean if I talk about my feelings, and for example when my dad died, in fact right after he died I couldn’t approach him (I was crying like a baby) and I kept asking my mom “please have a closed casket and don’t want to see him again, please I can’t see him”. Well my grandmother interuppted me and kepy saiying I think if you take some medication you’ll feel better. And kept saying that the whole night.</p>

<p>In the end we had an open-casket. I spent most of my dads last two years with him, in fact I was with him most of the time, but when I try to talk about my feelings people even here just seem to be unable to understand a solution and just say to seek help. Its not everyone’s fault, its just, well, what I’m getting at is I don’t think society has the resources to help me. What I need is much more simple then a highly paid doctor. I just need some love damnit, no medication, no therapist can give this to me. It has to come from a friend or family, and it must come sincerely.</p>

<p>I don’t think I have any more questions…
Thank you for those whom have responded with well-intentioned advice.</p>

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<p>I noticed that your posts in 2007 addressed seeking help for some of these same issues while you were in high school. Back in 2007, you posted about a fear of public speaking and difficulties in forming friendships. You wanted to quit high school because you didn’t like anything about it. Over the years, posters on CC have suggested that you consider going to a mental health professional to get a handle on some of these issues. </p>

<p>Two years have past now and you seem to still feel that you still don’t need professional help in dealing with some of your issues. We all want you to feel better. You want to feel better. Perhaps now you will consider getting the help you need. Transferring and moving, friends and love are all exciting ideas but you seem to need some help strengthening the emotional tools needed to live the happy life that you so desperately want and deserve. Mental health professionals can help you to understand your thoughts and can help you to overcome some of your emotional pain/torment. </p>

<p>You have been through an emotional rollercoaster. Acknowledge that you need a little help dealing with things and be willing to seek the right kind of help. It’s OK to ask for help.</p>

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<p>I think I mentioned that I HAVE seen a therapist. It didn’t work. </p>

<p>And in 2007 I wasn’t seeking help and no one reccommended I see a professional in 2007 because I wasn’t having any problems. In fact it was in 2008 that I started feeling sad, which by the way is the same time I started taking care of my dad and stopped going out as a result of my depression. </p>

<p>If you look at all my posts in 2007 they are normal and appropriate questions. As you look at 2008 into 2009 you will see a theme, that I have been asking for help more and more, because I was feeling worse and worse. Once I learned my dad was terminally-ill I started downhill, and since then I have been continuing downhill. Although I beleive a therapist can help at some point in the future, right now I just need to releive this built up stress. So please, I have noted your opinion to see a therapist, but for the moment I disagree until circumstances change.</p>

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<p>So you saw ONE therapist. There may be others who would fit you better. As well, just because you think you were fine several years ago does not mean that you are not in a depression right now. A lot of adolescents experience depression–right around the time they get into college. As a result, their depression is often misdiagnosed as a temporary phenomenon due to the transition from high school to college and the pressure they experience.
It’s okay to come here only to vent if that’s what you want; it just won’t help you get over your suicidal thoughts or help you make friends. But the mere fact that you have entertained suicidal thoughts is a huge red flag for us.</p>

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<p>In 2007, your posts were not as normal as you think. You complained about high school and being unhappy. Mentioned trying out for football and quitting and no reason for happiness after that. Mentioned wanting to quit high school. Mentioned fear of speaking in public. Mentioned switching schools and then switching back again and not having many friends. Mentioned purposely skipping social events at your high school (retreats, sports days, etc.). Mentioned low self esteem. Mentioned concern about your IQ. You called yourself stupid. </p>

<p>I don’t want to get into a sparring match. My intent is to help you to realize that based on your CC history of posts since 2007, your issues have been ongoing. Add onto that, the trauma and emotional rollercoaster of what your family went through with your Dad’s sickness and death and it’s understandable for anyone to seek help in dealing with all of this. Because you didn’t click with one therapist should not deter you from trying again with another. Could your fear of speaking to others be holding you back from trying to speak with a different therapist?</p>

<p>We want you to find some peace of mind and joy. We’re not trying to upset you. We’re trying to help you.</p>