I'm Emotionally Spent and I Don't Know What to do

Student Lounge College Life
1

Hi everyone,

In order to properly tell my story it requires a bit of background. For four years I attended an extremely competitive, rigorous high school that produced 10+ Ivy League acceptances a year in a class of only fifty. For those who did not attend Ivy Leagues, nothing less than a top fifty school was acceptable, and most everyone was accepted to their dream schools and felt prideful on graduation day, as top ranked university after top ranked university was called out upon the receiving of diplomas. Going in-state, that being Florida, was frowned upon and the farther West or North you went, the more respect you received. My friend group throughout high school was made up of a University of Pennsylvania attendee, a Georgetown attendee, a University of Chicago attendee, two Boston University attendees, and a Stanford Naval Academy recruit. Essentially, my entire life has been monopolized by a strong group of intellectually judgmental human beings who only expect the best from whom they associate with (not intimidating at all, right).

As of now I’m currently a first semester freshman at a four year University in Boston that I won’t name out of respect for the school. Since I toured Junior year, I had an absolute obsession with being admitted to this college and was convinced it was the school of my dreams. Being from Florida, I was thrilled by the idea of experiencing the four seasons on a beautiful campus in close proximity to a young, thriving city of intellectuals. Although also interested in numerous, even more highly ranked schools, I was admitted to my current college in Early Action and decided immediately to attend. My current school (not Harvard), was highly regarded amidst my friends, and though I was not attending the most prestigious college of the bunch, I was well regarded and happy.

As of now I loathe this school. It is not the school that was portrayed to me during the information session or the tour that I took during my Junior year. The dorms are filthy and the bathrooms are only cleaned on a two week basis, the campus has lost all of its beauty to me, and the classes are less rigorous than my high school. Fall has come and gone and I’ve sunk into a depression that has taken all of my excitement for the beauty of the seasons and shoved them beneath a sad cloud of loneliness and constant sadness. Because all of my high school friends were so intent on moving to the Northeast and I was so obsessed with the idea of prestige, I ignored all of the highly ranked schools close to home and fought my parents to come up north, a decision I regret more than any other I have ever made. I have tried for months to acclimate myself, filling out endless club applications (this school doesn’t have greek life and much of the social scene is tied into club involvement), interacting with people in my classes and the girls in my hall, and attending every possible sporting event that occurs on campus.I was rejected from every club I applied to (I guess upperclassmen always get priority and freshman are rarely accepted), made a solid friend group (but still feel desperately lonely and depressed), and hate supporting a school I am so unhappy at. The only benefit to come from my unhappy experience here is that I channel all of my sadness into my school work and am managing an all A average at a highly ranked university. I have found that in order to distract myself, I can do all of my work and sometimes do it twice, obsessively trying to fill my time with something other than tears and calls home. Unlike my counterparts at school, I do not look forward to the weekends, in fact I despise them, as they are filled with seemingly endless hours of nothing to do and nowhere to go. I’ve found, despite proximity to the city, no one wants to get out of bed on Saturday or Sunday and I’m left spending the entire day on the phone with my mom, very obviously driving her completely insane.

I have also come to find that I hate the Northeast. Being from the South, I was unaware of how different the atmospheres are between these two parts of the country, and I despise the way in which the Northeast operates. I miss the feeling of being at home and I hate how cold and closed off everyone here seems to be. Many of my friends at school are from this area and complain about how annoying it is that people get homesick, making me feel more lonely than ever. Even my two friends from Alabama and Florida are completely adjusted and never call home, their parents constantly upset with them for almost never reaching out. Everyone seems stuck up and look down upon people for the stupidest reasons. I’ve also found that education isn’t a driving force here and that partying most nights is the norm, a culture I am not used to, nor do I partake in. Ultimately, the climate here has me feeling so unbearably alone it is physically painful. I should also mention that I suffer from serious anxiety that I have always had a handle on until now. I have frequent, painful panic attacks and I’m worried I’ve sunken into a very serious depression.

This school is costing my family an unbelievable amount of money, and both of my parents are extremely disappointed that I am so unhappy. Recently, I went home for the first time and cried every day I spent at home thinking about having to come back here. Right now, I am debating between leaving after Christmas to take a semester off and work at my high school job back home during which I will have resubmitted applications to schools that are closer to home and use my high level college GPA as an extra boost to my application. During this time I could also take classes at the local, low ranked four year university in my home town to continue making headway towards my degree as I await my fall decisions. I would love to spend a few months back at home recollecting myself from this very negative experience and get back into a stronger mindset before I restart college in the Fall of 2019. The downside to this option, however, is the harsh and definite judgement I will receive from all of my friends and their parents if I choose to leave college. It is extremely rare that someone from my high school leave college, even just for a semester, and I would likely receive passive aggressive judgement because of it.

My other option is to tough it out another semester here and hopefully not become unbearably depressed. At this university, one cannot withdraw and receive any tuition money back after the start of Spring semester classes, and my family and I worry that I will have a terrible panic attack during the freezing, dark months of February and have to come home without that $35,000 check. The only benefit to this decision could be a transfer acceptance to an extremely high ranking university after receiving 30 credit hours at this college with a high GPA.

Essentially, I am posting this discussion to receive advice about what choice I should make. I really believe I may not last if I stay through the spring semester, as I literally count the days and sometimes even the hours when I’m within a week of coming home. My life here is extremely unhealthy for both me and my family and I worry that my continued time here will lead us all to our breaking points. I know this is not the right place for me, but I don’t want to let my emotions and sadness make this extremely tough decision.

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First I would make an appointment at the counseling service. Do it today. Talk to a professional and and talk to your parents and work through things together. If the decision is that this college can’t work for you then develop a plan to move forward with your life, finish out the semester (if you can), and leave.

3

I should also mention that I’ve met with the counseling service at my current college twice now and on both occasions they were extremely unhelpful and honestly quite rude. I cried in both sessions and both counselors (two different women) essentially told me I was having a “abnormal” reaction to college and there wasn’t much they could do for me. They advised me to transfer and told me I was probably in the wrong place (granted this was during the second and third weeks at school). This led me to feel even more alone than before and I will likely reach out to an outside counseling service back home.

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The feelings that you describe here are so intense (and not entirely rational, i.e., you “despise the way in which the Northeast operates.”) that I think your best bet is to explore some of this with a qualified therapist. Hopefully, with the clarity that can come from this kind of effort, you’ll be able to better discern how much of this is situational, versus how much it is the result of other issues. Good luck!

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Ask your parents to help you find a counselor off campus that is in your insurance plan. You need to get good support and counseling if you are feeling depressed.

My $.02 is to try to stick out the rest of the semester while seeing a supportive counselor and then sending out transfer applications. Do NOT worry about what your friends or their parents will think. Your happiness and mental well being trumps everything else.

6

Your happiness and mental health is way way more important than what people from your high school would think.

7

There will be more than just you returning to your home state I would bet…it is common for people to chase that dream only to find out it wasn’t really their dream.

  1. Get help. The counseling center wasn’t helpful…ask your mom to find out what therapists you could talk to that are on your insurance

  2. Talk to the dean of students. You want to plan things out so you don’t affect your GPA or waste money if possible.

  3. Look at possible schools…see what they require. Do you need 1 year? 1 semester? 2 years before you transfer?
    They will want a good GPA…so try to stick out this semester and do well

  4. As far as other people…who cares? “I did well enough up in Boston, but realized that the sunshine was for me. I didn’t want to try to make it through a Boston winter.”
    “The brochures made it seem like there were charming buildings and academic students…I found that not to be the case.”
    Senior year is a time where it seems like the most important thing in the world is what college you got into…but after that it truly is not as important.

  5. Don’t make decisions based on anyone but you and your parents. Make choices that don’t waste money, for sure. Only start a semester that you think you can finish.

  6. When I was a student, there were friends of mine freshman year that transfered back home or somewhere else. Eddie from Miami, stayed one year in Cleveland and then went straight back to Miami. I didn’t think badly of him…just that this environment was not for him. Mike went back to Rochester. My friend’s kid at Cornell was asked to leave for academic reasons. He could have gone elsewhere for a year and then returned, but he was happy at the second school. He is working at his dream job in robotics at Amazon.Sam had undiagnosed spectrum disorder and didn’t even make it til thanksgiving. He is taking community college classes. My Sister in law dropped out after a year and returned years later. My nephew dropped out after a semester, joined the Air Force, and is now returning to college to become a teacher. You will find out there are tons of people who didn’t graduate from the school they started at.

7)If you are a star student, you will be a star student wherever you go…and will do better as a big fish in a small pond.

  1. If you are paying full price, then any other school will the same or cheaper.
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Yes, to add to my original comment if the counselors on campus were not helpful then speak to your parents and see if you can find a private therapist. You need to take care of yourself. Many people transfer – it is no big deal.

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I’m sorry that you are having such a rough time in Boston. I’ve live here pretty much since I came to college at MIT many moons ago. Your assumption about Boston being filled with intellectuals is actually true, and you just haven’t met any yet.

First things, it’s important that you have a mental health team in place.
Are you on the school’s health insurance policy or your parents, or both. In either case examine your health insurance policy for the mental health benefits. Go back to the counseling center and, insist that they REFER YOU OUT to a licensed PhD Clinical Psychologist.

You need to do this to get he help that you need. You may also need to see a psychiatrist to get medication, but let the Psychologist recommend someone to evaluate you.

FWIW, you are clearly homesick and lonely and you lack the basic non-judgemental friend support that we all need. Friends who would criticize or judge you for are not really your friends. I think that you know that, but clearly it’s the social environment you are used to, have grown up in, and oddly miss.

I’m pretty sure I know which school you go to, and though I do think your crowd exists over there, it seems hard to find. and the folks you have met don’t stimulate you. Also, that school does tend to draw more locals and though is hard to get into, is not quite as intellectual as some of the other universities like MIT, Tufts, Wellesley or Brandeis so it can easily feel like you don’t belong.

Might I suggest that you find a friend or two at your school or at another school, and suggest the two of you go into Boston and attend some events or Halloween parties at MIT fraternities (or sororities) on the Boston side of the river. MIT fraternities range from really wild to really mellow and everything in between. The reason I suggest this is that you need to meet people your age from all over the world who have come to Boston for the same reason you did, and MIT is full of these people. Also, MIT is less snooty and I believe more socially accessible than Harvard. As an alum of one of these frats I can tell you that the frats on the Boston side of the river are much less spoiled by the proximity of being on campus and often have a much larger network of friends from other schools than frats on campus. So it would not be abnormal at all for people from other schools to make friends and hang out in these places and for people from a variety of local schools meet each other there. I would call around first and make sure you can get in with your school’s ID. It would at least be a different potentially comfortable social scene, something to do and would get you into the heart of our beautiful city.

Also, Saturday night will be game 4 of the World Series, and it’s conceivable there will be all night celebrations of the Red Sox world series championship which happens roughly every 4-6 years around here. You live here now, so you should feel welcome to become a fan. It is a lot of fun.

In the meantime, try to be positive and plan on continuing to look for your crowd and if you are sure you can’t find it, I don’t think going home after Christmas is a terrible idea. You will need to find a new group of friends at home though as you want to stay clear of those who judge you. You need to do what’s best for you and not care what those people think.

Good luck.

10

I just want to tell you that you’re not alone. The feelings you’re experiencing are not uncommon. I also want to tell you that you’re an intelligent and thoughtful person. And I believe you’ll be successful with whatever direction you choose. Good luck.

11

You don’t owe them an explanation. If the school is not the right fit, then it’s not the right fit. If your friends can’t see that, then they’re really not your friends. I’ve found that the “lower ranked” schools have students that are a lot more down to earth and accepting. You usually won’t find that kind of snobbish culture in most universities. “Competing” to get into a student organization is insanely stupid! Only an elite school would put those kind of artificial barriers to actually make like-minded friends. Sheesh! Just find a school where you’re happy and stay there. High school is over!

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Well, first of all, there’s nothing wrong with knowing right away that a place is not right for you. I mean, heck, I"ve checked into hotel rooms halfway across the world and checked out an hour later because I didn’t like the place. BUT i’ve also had the opposite reaction where I really loathed a location or a job at first and then, 4 or 5 or 6 months later,I have loved it. It’s so hard to know 8 weeks into a new life whether it’s the right move. I do like the idea of paying an outside therapist…its money well spent. And after that, I see nothing wrong whatsoever with transferring if that’s how you feel at that time.

13

Seeing a counselor off campus may be helpful, as others have suggested. I also wonder whether you have also been experiencing some level of Season Affective Disorder (SAD) on top of your general homesickness and other issues. It is more common in northern climates.

One of my kids suffers from it, and she just started using her light therapy lamp again in the mornings several weeks back, when lack of daylight started making her feel out of sorts.

I think Boston has also experienced a fall full of overcast, wet weather. It may be worth discussing SAD with a counselor if you end up seeing one, especially since you moved from the ‘Sunshine’ state. Therapy lights are available on line and are not very expensive. Spending more time outside in natural light and near windows is helpful, too.