<p>My S is leaving Tuesday of next week for his fresh. year at a U about 13 hours away. For about the last week, both he and I have been totally weird with each other. We have always had such a close relationship, but we are snapping at each other and avoiding really talking about anything. I want this time to be special, but I am so irritable with him. Every evening he bolts right after dinner to go hang out with his friends. (This is all a "new" version of my usually home-body son.) I don't blame him for that, because I know he is really going to miss seeing them, but I don't think he realizes how much we, and I mean the whole familiy, are going to miss him. I feel like he is being insensitive, but really don't know how to broach it with him without being more of a nag than I seem to have become! </p>
<p>Take a breath, step back and make your own plan. Your best bet is to accept what your son can give and make your plans for visiting on campus or meeting in a neutral location later. Mostly you need to respect what your child is going through for you are the adult and he probably cannot worry about you at this moment. It passes and you will be better able to tell him all the things you wish to on his turf later.</p>
<p>I can't remember who said it, but a few months back a parent here with kids already in college said something that has stuck in my mind: Baby birds always foul the nest right before they leave, otherwise their parents would never let them go. It's part and parcel of the whole breaking away experience for many families.</p>
<p>Completely normal. Sometimes it happens earlier during senior year. My daughter's high school principal said that she often sees parents and students regressing at some point between beginning of senior year and beginning of college. It will pass. The first few home visits can be weird too. One of mine came home and talked down to me for two hours while I made Thanksgiving dinner. The only thing that prevented me from smacking him was my remembrance of beating my own poor mother over the head with Descartes' Meditations while she fought with a 20-pound bird and peeled potatoes for a crowd. Also, they sometimes go out and don't tell you where they're going and don't come home until 4 am and look at you like your insane when they come home to find out you've called the police and every hospital in town. :)</p>
<p>It's perfectly normal. Separation anxiety plus all the drama of getting ready, not forgetting anything, etc...
I think it is appropriate for your S to want to hang out with his friends. YOU will always be there when he comes back. They won't. He is saying good bye to friends and to childhood, but not to you.
Check the number of times you will be visiting him or he will return home: at those times, he will be all yours. Try to look forward to those times.</p>
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<p>I don't think he realizes how much we, and I mean the whole familiy, are going to miss him. <<</p>
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<p>He knows that he will always have family, but for some of his friends, this may be the last time he spends time with them until the XXth reunion. Don't sweat--but DO make him fit into his schedule a family event (dinner, beach trip, whatever) before he leaves.</p>
<p>Ellemenope, I don't know about that. My son and I have been very close and still are. But given a choice between spending time with me and spending time with his friends, guess who always comes first? I think even if my son will see his friends when they come for vacation, he spends time with them....this is that phase in their lives. Family becomes less important. It is very hard on the parents and they had better get used to it..</p>
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Also, they sometimes go out and don't tell you where they're going and don't come home until 4 am and look at you like your insane when they come home to find out you've called the police and every hospital in town.
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Ah, the memories. Of my Mom standing in her nightgown with arms folded as I came wandering in at about that time.</p>
<p>If you're freaking out now, it will just get worse, so time to be honest. His life is just gearing up. He'll have a new school, new friends and new plans for some breaks. My mom is honest that it hit her hard the first time I asked to go on a trip with a friend on break.</p>
<p>I love my parents to death. I love to spend time with them and will always make time. But there is such a pull because you meet people from all over and want to see their part of the world, travel and have new experiences. Honestly, it doesn't mean we love you any less but we need to do this to grow and have a full life!!</p>
<p>Thank you so much for your comments. It means alot to me to hear from those of you who have been through it before. I thought I would be just fine! I think it is the pressure just getting to me. I literally started boohooing when I recieved the parking info for move in day. I know..I am being a spaz!</p>
<p>I am going to try to set up a lunch date with him (won't impinge on his nightly activities) so that he and I can have some time together. We are also going to plan a "family dinner" Monday evening for just the 5 of us. He can bolt afterward!</p>
<p>ag54: one year ago, I was exactly where you are now. And, like you, it stung and hurt me personally. But I accepted it as part of the adage I live by: it's not the kid, it's the age. And, lo and behold, this summer I have a different daughter. She still prefers to spend her evenings with her friends but she's content to talk to me during the day or go out to dinner with us. She's chatty and willing to actually sit for longer than 5 minutes (and no exasperation in her voice either!).</p>
<p>One thing to remember: next time she comes home, she'll be on a different body clock. Mine doesn't start to go out until 9:00 or so (some of that is because her friends are all working retail jobs) so that kind of dovetails very nicely with my body clock. She's home til 9 pm and we can spend some time together -even dinner out - and just as she's gearing up for an evening with friends, I'm gearing up for bed!</p>
<p>I really like your idea of a lunch "date" and we also made sure to have one last family dinner before she left for college. I didn't give her any choice and she accepted it fine.</p>
<p>And you've just reminded me that I need to plan for that for us since my daughter leaves next weekend and even though she's a sophomore and her dad and I are divorcing, I still think a last meal together is really important.</p>
<p>ag - we're in the same boat ; mine leaves a week from tomorrow... and im beginning to forget what he looks like LOL! but I have a friend whose son is a year ahead...well, last school year, after the first college acceptance, she called to ask if i was crying yet! we laughed! but she said, don't worry we all do it and it helped me the rest of the year knowing i wasn't alone when those tears welled up! then at graduation, she pulled me aside and asked is he being a pain yet? i asked how'd you know! she said dont worry next summer it'll be all about his family! and she gave me a hug! so i'm passing on this verbal hug, unless you want to come out to the west coast for the real thing!</p>
<p>Yes, it's happening here, too, with S leaving in 9 days. A bit of a change from June when he was so pleasant and helpful to be around. </p>
<p>To be honest, I'm really ready for him to go now. I was much sadder last fall while he was applying to colleges and we were making the visits. Now, it feels like I won't miss this half-man in my house, the one who leaves dishes and food trails everywhere for the blasted, never-ending ants, who postpones every assigned chore until I'm totally exasperated and ready to do them myself, who hasn't shaved in a week and who has spent the last FIVE days lying around reading FIVE books back to back and wondering aloud what's for dinner. (Okay, it is sort of cute that the books are Harry Potter I through V, and I'm wondering if, as someone mentioned above, he's somehow preparing to let go of "childhood"... so that kind of gets me a little teary-eyed, but still...) </p>
<p>I'm just so irritated at him for his procrastination; I mean there is loads for him to do to get organized for his move and I refuse to do it for him. I've had to "take away" the laptop, video controlers and ban him from TV so that he will clean his incredibly gross bathroom, to which a trail of ants has seemingly built a permanent super-ant-highway... I haven't had to ground him from electronics for years!).</p>
<p>His slothfulness makes me wish I could take him to college this weekend! I guess I'm ready to start missing him. :)</p>
<p>Ag54 - all good responses and mine is similar.....DS leaves for jr. year this weekend...he agonized over his choice of schools before frosh yr.....then it was so apparent within months of his leaving that his 'home' was now at school - of course he loves his fam and still comes home for breaks (so far!), but it's more like he's visiting when he's here, and he's busy w/pals at home, but just can't wait to get back to his school fam. He and I are very similar personalities, so the clashes can be huge, but they blow over quickly. It is reassuring to see him so comfortable and self-assured at school....that is, after all, our job to give them their wings and then let them use them.</p>
<p>DD leaves for frosh yr. the following weekend....I will miss her sweet self even more, but can't put a damper on her excitement and eagerness to get going.</p>
<p>That will leave DH, me and the poor dog, who will not know what the heck has happened with full attention turned to him!!</p>
<p>Wow... It's strange to hear about other students already going back to school. I don't move in until September 1st, and my classes don't start until September 6th. I guess I'm still stuck in summertime mode. Even so, I'm starting to think about school more and more. I'm extremely excited to go and just can't to get there. However, I'm still nervous about all of the changes that I'll be making and whether or not everything will turn out okay in the end (even though, deep down, I know they will).</p>
<p>Wow! It must be a thing! My soon-to-leave-son is at this moment finishing Book 5 of Harry Potter after spending the last week of waking moments rereading the first four. He won't read the most recent one until he has read the others again. I hadn't thought of it as a passage toward letting go of childhood, but I feel sure you are right!</p>
<p>He has gotten a lot happier after hearing from Brown today that he got in ALL of the classes he requested, and has his dorm and roommate's name. I think the fear of the unknown is driving a lot of the reactivity he has shown earlier in the summer. It is good to see the relief!</p>
<p>momofthree,
Same thing! How weird... S wanted to read the 6th Harry Potter last week but refused to until he'd reread 1-4 and read for the first time the ominous number 5. I'm wondering if he can finish 5 in one day, it's so darn long. So that would mean at least 2 more days of him draped over the nearest sofa or chair and his poor bathroom languishing through the weekend. I think you are right about the fear of the unknown. I should be more sympathetic, but it just looks so much like complete and utter laziness. </p>
<p>I wish kids had pop-ups that told us parents what was really going on. Like, "it may look and sound like I'm an 18-year-old lazy know-it-all who could care less about how hard you and dad are working to afford my unbecoming indolence, but REALLY I'm nervous about leaving my friends and making new ones." Oh well. This too shall pass. </p>
<p>Congrats on your S getting all his classes. Mine got his at Cal, too, and he "met" his roomate over myspace.com, and they've agreed not to bring/buy any television or game consols! Whoo-hoo. Of course with 6 other suitemates, there's bound to be those time-killers around (not to mention games on his computer), so I shouldn't feel too happy, but I'm indulging myself in the one good decision he's made this month! (To put it kindly, S seems to lose track of time a little when engaged with gaming devices and DVDs). And they've decided to go in haves for a small fridge and microwave.</p>
<p>D has also read the Harry Potter book. And then reread one other - not every one. I think there is something to this idea that they revisit their young selves. Today she actually talked baby talk to me. It was cute.</p>