I'm not sure how to best be supportive. . .

Parents Forum
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<p>Background: When I was a senior in HS, I was having personal/family issues that so upset me that I flat out refused to apply to colleges, even though I was a Merit Finalist. The college I went to actually sent an admissions rep up to my school 2 hours away to cajole me into signing an application so they could offer me scholarships. I went from there to dating and being at public university with my fiance/husband to having a family. Because I was a "gifted underachiever" and had the stress issues, I never went through the nailbiting and waiting for admissions stress. </p>

<p>My son is like me, in that he's very gifted (today his Spanish teacher called me about something and the first thing she said was, "Of course, he's very <em>brilliant</em>...", which made me very embarrassed!), and not like me in that he's got a great GPA, and is much less stressed than I am. He's a very cool person, with "angular" passions and a quirkyness all his own. Because of his talent, he can graduate from high school early if he wants. This is his junior year and he chose to apply to one (very selective, top tier) university, because it is his first choice. If he doesn't get in, he's going to take a gap year, possibly. </p>

<p>So here we are, waiting for the decision. We consider his admission to be a long shot -- he's not at the high end of the usual stats, and he has 1 year fewer classes and grades to show. The way we saw it, applying was to his dream school was like buying a lottery ticket that had a 1 in 10 chance. I mean, it <em>could</em> happen, and you can't win if you don't play.</p>

<p>But the thing is, because I didn't do this myself, I don't know how to support him, in admission or rejection. I mean, at first, I was very positive, saying, "I believe you'll get in!" but he got upset at me and said that he was starting with the assumption he <em>wouldn't</em> get in, so he wouldn't be disappointed. I am literally driving him nuts, because I can't seem to find any way to be or think or talk about his impending decision that doesn't freak him out a little. I thought it was my job to believe in his success, as a parent, but he tells me that he thinks that means that he's not really worthy of admission, because really, parents just support you because they're parents. </p>

<p>Anyone have any words of advice on this? Every time I ask him how I can support him, or how he'd like me to respond to admission or rejection, he doesn't know, or he gets upset at me for asking.</p>

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<p>The best thing right now is to stop asking. He's not at all unusual in his reaction to stress. He'll learn very soon, and then you can decide which way to jump and what to say.</p>

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<p>Generally, I think it's helpful to communicate to your son a realistic evaluation of his chances, but there's the rub: What is realistic these days at the most sought after schools? Yet I don't think you should discourage him from applying anywhere and being cautiously optimistic. Parents ARE different than other advisors, and kids DO need to feel that we are their strongest advocates, as long as said parents are not totally deluded! As far as dealing with actual rejection: Let him vent and come to terms with it, without jumping in too much with advice about how he "should" feel. Good Luck!</p>

4

<p>TrinSF, now is the time to listen, listen, listen. Not ask questions, or even talk. WHATEVER happens, put your arm around his shoulders, give him a hug, and tell him you love him. This is truly all he's looking for. And, on a different note, a big HUG and WELL DONE! to you for raising such an incredible kid. You've done it all right so far, don't worry about this...just love him.</p>

5

<p>Wonderful advice, quiltguru. As my kids get older, I find value in that old saying, "Least said, soonest mended." Sometimes a noncommital grunt is all the response they want -- it allows them to believe that you are really listening, without judging or offering advice. It really doesn't matter what you say now, since the decision will be coming soon. He just needs to know that you want whatever he wants. If he's disappointed, try not to minimize it too much -- just agree with him. If he is accepted, let him lead the way.</p>

6

<p>We kind of went thru the same thing with my S regarding his PSAT scores. I was pretty confident that he would score high enough to make NMSF (and he did) but while waiting for the scores, I never felt like I was saying the right thing in response to HIS questions to me about it. He kept saying things like: "I know you think I'm going to score high enough but I don't think so." I knew if I said that I thought he'd score high enough that he'd get annoyed at me.</p>

<p>So..... whenever he brought up the subject, I would say......"I think you have a good shot at it, but however it turns out, I know you did your best."</p>

<p>The best thing not to say is: "I'm sure you'll get in" That makes a kid worry that YOU"LL be disappointed if he doesn't.</p>

<p>Has he received any other acceptances? Does he have some safeties and matches that will likely come thru?</p>

7

<p>Well, all of the (few) students I know who've tried to go to college out of junior year have succeeded (including my son and now my sister's son and a few others). BUT it really isn't a bad idea to take a gap year in this situation either. I think your son has come up with a great plan. </p>

<p>As for being supportive, your son sounds mature enough to answer honestly when you ask him what kind of support he needs. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

8

<p>
[quote]
The best thing not to say is: "I'm sure you'll get in" That makes a kid worry that YOU"LL be disappointed if he doesn't.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Agreed 100%.</p>

9

<p>Trin--
I support you and others here. </p>

<p>Remember that you are human too-- with joys and disappointments-- and you are trying your best to be supportive in the best way you know how .. it will be beautiful when you both celebrate together... but its ok to mourn over a real disappointment together, too. It is very valiant to try to hide disappointment.... but our kids usually know how we feel regardless.....besides-- its not our kids that are the disappointment-- it is the "satanic" process of college admission that is the disappointment! ... LOL-- :( he he he...</p>

<p>My d applied to 8 stretch schools -- regular decision -- and our line is: you will be lucky if you get into ONE of the stretches-- you, my dear sweet child deserve the Best of the Best -- but remember that status should NEVER be the first priority in your life.. no matter how sweet it seems. </p>

<p>All human beings are of equal value and have equal worth and dignity. </p>

<p>When we understand this at a deep level, a rejection by the cool crowd or by a status school is not so bad, although it is always natural to be sad --- because we live in a world that prizes status and we are human. </p>

<p>We are all of equal value, BUT we are all given unequal levels of talent and giftings in life. Your son and my daughter are gifted--- yet there are always going to be kids that are MORE gifted than they are and this can be OK too.... as long as we know our value at a deep level.</p>

<p>What's most important is finding out how to best use, identify and celebrate the giftings and talents that we do have-- and this has very little to do with acceptance into a status school...</p>

<p>I have to preach to myself here, because i realize that my "sin" is that i am a "status whore." :) given that my whole family has advanced degrees from top universities -- I have some pressure here.... </p>

<p>Anyway, my daughter knows that I struggle with the "status whore" problem-- and she is very understanding -- she will be disappointed if no stretches come through this week-- but we are actively getting excited about the targets that she has gotten into.... and making plans about how to best employ her giftings in this precious life, and about which target school would best fit her talents and personality.</p>

<p>I hope for the best for your son-- "to everything is a season" -- and I hope it is your season to celebrate alongside your son with a joyful acceptance at his chosen school.. ! Good luck this week!</p>

<p>btw-- I noticed SF in your screen name-- i grew up in Berkeley..</p>

10

<p>TrinSF</p>

<p>My son is hearing from one reach school this afternoon and his other reach school tomorrow afternoon. I plan to be out of the house both times when he goes on line to check. I just sense that this is kind of a sacred moment and he deserves privacy to process the news (whether positive or negative).</p>

<p>So far, he's received all acceptances from the eight colleges he's heard from. It has been easy to rejoice with him....</p>

<p>If he does receive a rejection, I think the best thing for me to do is hug him, be there if he wants to talk but say very little myself unless he asks for my advice/opinion....</p>