I'm on Academic suspension and don't know how to tell my parents. What do I do?

Parents Forum
1

Hello all. I’m 20 years old and I’m currently a college junior (technically a sophomore by hours.) Last semester, I was placed on both financial aid probation and academic probation and set up an academic plan. Due to dealing with many personal issues up to this point, my GPA was so low that I needed a 3.25 just to get back into good standing last semester.

I tried to remain optimistic last semester, but I ended up getting a c in 2 classes, a b in 2 classes, and failing a class. Realistically, the odds were well stacked against me and, despite bringing my GPA up by .4, I couldn’t pull it off. I have one last opportunity to appeal with the dean, but he likely won’t accept it either. So here I am, scared to even leave my room, with school starting in 3 days, with my parents thinking I’ll be leaving Sunday night to go back. How do I talk to them about this? I’ve never felt so low in my life before. I’m probably going to lose all support from them, the rest of my family, and my girlfriend. I’m honestly scared right now and I can’t think straight. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

2

Your second sentence “I’m 20 years old” tells you what to do.

You are an adult. I would tell your parents as a matter of fact. "I know you are disappointed and I have beat myself up over this, but I won’t be going back to school this spring since I’m on academic suspension. I need to start thinking positively. I am going to start actively looking for a job so that I can support myself and I’d appreciate your emotional support and temporary financial support until I get on my feet. Make it clear that you are looking for weeks of support not years.

I would also tell your girlfriend. If you lose the support of your girlfriend over this, she’s not the one for you.

Being successful involves not being afraid to fail. Be unafraid. Figure out what kind of job you would like to get to support yourself. Look for work that provides training for advancement. Over time think about if going back to school makes sense for you.

View this as an opportunity to regroup and become the independent person that you want to be.

3

Thank you for this. I’ve spent a large portion of my life pretending that everything is perfect, and just running away from my problems. I’ve gotten so accustomed to being stuck between a rock and a hard place that I don’t know how to work towards getting myself out of it. Now that I think of it, there have been few times in my life in which I’ve done something on my own and been successful at it. I’ve been too dependent on my parents and not focused enough on what my personal goals even are. It will be difficult, but I will talk to them tonight about the situation. I can’t say I’ll be prepared for whatever happens after that, but I’m gonna have to face it regardless.

4

Were your parents aware that you were on probation and needed especially good grades this last semester? Perhaps they sense you are in trouble but are waiting for you to start the discussion.

5

My response is a bit different - yes you are 20 years old. That means you are an adult but a YOUNG adult. I would almost argue that yes, now you are in a rough spot and have to take responsibility etc etc (all of which you know), but I think, looking back, that you took TOO much on your own earlier on, while this situation was in its earlier stages. Any sort of probation in college is a HUGE red warning and I’m betting your parents will wish that they would have known about this a long time ago. So that is where the explaining lies - how did this happen from the beginning, why did you not tell them so that you could let them become involved and at least help you to help yourself, before the situation at this particular college became so dire?

Having said all that - hoping you have talked with your parents already and if not, that you do it SOON. It’s gotta happen. They can help you to figure out where you stand and your options but only YOU can figure out the path forward that has the best chance of working for YOU. Any return to college would have to be with much support.

[As an aside - if your parents are only now becoming involved, and you all decide that it is worth trying to return to college, then this serves as a possible starting point for discussion with the dean - I tried to handle this on my own, I failed, but now my parents are behind me, guiding me and they will help me to HELP MYSELF be successful in college.]

I wish you the best of luck. Although I have not encountered a TON of threads on CC that are on this theme, the reality is that a LOT of students struggle with the transition to college. And there is more then one pathway. You will find it. Life is not linear. Twenty years from now, this will be something that was tough but something that you learned from and hopefully, something that served to strengthen the evolving relationship you have with your parents (from parent/kid to parent/young adult).

6

They were aware, and I’ve told them all semester that I was doing fine, because I was scared to tell the truth. I did a bit better this semester than I have in the past, but obviously not well enough. I think they may have suspicions, but it will definitely blindside them once we do have the discussion. I came here because I wasn’t even really sure how to go about it.

7

It’s tough!! Just gotta do it. Write out a couple of notes to be sure that you say the most important things. And be ready to listen! But I bet you know all this!

Remember that there are options - like for the class you failed, maybe you can re-take it and have the new grade replace the old one.

I have a nephew who has had a couple of rough patches, which led to discussion about BIG LIFE issues - what are you interested, in, what are your goals, etc etc. Ultimately, I think he is in a better situation than some of his peers who, because they didn’t have the academic difficulties here or there, have stuck with majors they didn’t really like. Always an up side!

8

I’m assuming your parents know nothing of your academic issues. I’m going to answer this from my perspective. My daughter (who also likes to pretend that everything is perfect) came home last spring, having told us nothing of her mental distress and its effects on her grades. She had lost her scholarship and didn’t know where to begin the conversation.

Begin by telling your parents that you need to talk with them about school. Tell them that you delayed talking with them because you feared disappointing them. Outline your current status, and give them a rundown on the last two semesters so they know what happened to bring you to this point.

It sounds like another appeal at this time wouldn’t be very successful, and you might be too late anyway. Do you need to officially withdraw from school? If so, do it – but not before you talk with your parents. Have a plan (and a backup plan) in mind with as much detail as possible. Work full-time? Work part-time and sign up for classes at a local community college? Attending a CC and getting good grades would probably be your best path to reinstatement at your current school or a transfer to another school, if that is your goal.

Regarding work, tell them how you plan to job hunt, and get their input. Express gratitude for any support they give, and for their ideas on moving forward. They may think of something that never occurred to you.

Good luck!

9

Great advice here already, I will just add to please come back and tell us how your conversation went - good luck! Everything has rough patches and everything DOES work out in the end.

10

I have been your parents. Keep in mind that you have known all along, and they will just be finding out. It is a shock, but there’s no avoiding it. DO NOT LIE. It’s too much for you to carry alone.

Go and say something like this " I have something to tell you, and it’s bad, and I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to worry, and I thought I would do better, but now I’m fessing up. I’m on probation and maybe going to have to leave school. I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m sorry. Please help me figure out what to do"

You will all cry or yell or have lots and lots of questions. Keep being honest. That’s your ally. don’t judge them by the first reaction. Don’t make excuses. Give yourselves 24 hours (" I want to figure this out together, but I know it’s a shock. Can we start planning to orrow? Do you want time to think?")

This can all work out fine. You may be allowed to continue. With support and honesty, you will find a path forward. Lots and Lots and LOTS of students have nonlinear paths. Don’t give in to negativity, don’t hang your head in shame. Perserverance has as much power as anything in this world. Our main concern was for our son’s morale and future. We did not lack understanding of how sh$& happens or snowballs. It was okay.

Let us know how it goes. Get this part over with. Go! Now! Let them llove you and yell at you and then hang on together.

11

Sorry greenbutton, I can only like once but your response deserves more. I hope your situation worked out ok.

12

You have received some excellent advice here. I just want to say that most ultra successful people have experienced some sort of major setback like this. The important thing is what your do with and take away from this experience. Personally, I have more faith in the future success and contribution of someone like you than the many students here applying to Ivy schools with their long list of Ultra high GPAs and Resumes. You’ll be okay.

13

Update: I attempted to talk to my mom about the situation, and she immediately refused to let me go into detail. So much for coming clean. She’s clearly highly upset with me, and basically told me she’s disappointed and that I’m not going to amount to anything. I’m currently in the hallway crying my eyes out. I don’t even want to talk to my dad about it now. My mind is all over the place right now.

14

I am so sorry. Your mom probably just reacted without thinking. If that’s the kind of reaction you get when you talk about your problems, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to them that you avoid it. Let her have time to calm down.

It was very brave of you to approach your mom. I’m sorry she wasn’t more supportive. Passing 4 classes isn’t horrible. Where is your dad?

15

You’ve gotten great advice here, I’m sorry your mom did not react calmly. You’ve been struggling with worrying about this over all break, and she just learned about it. Hopefully, she can calm down, and will be prepared to listen more tonight. I’m embarrassed about how I handled some fraught conversations with my kids – we don’t always act like the grown ups in the room.

Sometimes, my kids and I email each other when emotions are running particularly high – it allows us to process things separately and allows me, if I’m the one reacting emotionally, to calm down when I see my child’s pain in writing, to correct my approach.

16

Update #2: I talked to both of my parents and they’re both highly disappointed, which I understand. My mom wants to send me to the Air Force and talks as if there’s literally no other opportunities out there outside of minimum wage. My dad basically doesn’t care what I do, as long as it doesn’t involve sitting around doing nothing. They both let me know that my relationship with my girlfriend is likely done, which I hope isn’t the case. She’s one of the few people in my life that make me happy. Her last text to me was ironically “when do you leave for school again?” and I don’t even want to respond back.

17

Are you within commuting distance of a community college? You could ask the dean if you can bring your GPA up by attending classes there.

Have you addressed the personal issues that interfered with your schoolwork? That’s probably the first step. Do you have transportation available so you can get a job? Doing something with your time while you create a longterm game plan will help.

You should call your girlfriend and talk to her. If she attends your school, it might be difficult to maintain the relationship, but only time will tell.

18

So is your girlfriend at your college or at home? Are your academic problems due to spending too much time with her?
So what is your next step – do you have a housing contract at your college that you need to get out of? Did you want to sign up for a class or two at your local CC or are you planning on taking a break from your studies?

19

They will be shocked, and they will be disappointed. But they will get over it, especially once they see you rise to the challenge. Here’s what I would suggest.

*Come up with a game plan.
*Tell your parents the truth. Be ready for their shock and disappointment. And probably some yelling.
*Apologize. Tell them you tried, and that you almost pulled it off. Tell them about the grades, and the mathematical challenge facing you. Tell them you were ashamed, which is why you didn’t tell them earlier about your difficulties. Then apologize again, and maybe yet again.
*And then, tell them your game plan. This will accomplish two things: one, it will get you and them to focus on the future, and not the past. And, two, it will show your parents that you plan to take responsibility for your actions, that you’re ready to face and deal with the consequences.
*Execute the game plan.

So what’s the game plan?

Well, what do you WANT to do? Are you ready to face school again? If so, realistically, it’s community college, right? Check out if you can still enroll for classes, talk to a counselor, explore possible courses of study and future transfer options. Not going back to school will likely mean living at home, right? Add a part-time job to the game plan, so you can offer to pay some rent or your tuition. Your parents may not want you paying rent or your tuition, but they will appreciate you being an adult about the offer.

But maybe the game plan excludes school, maybe you’re burned out, and need a break. Which means, it’s time to look for a full-time job. Look, tens of thousands of students have taken a year-long break in their studies, worked, then resumed college. This could be you. Or, you might find a job with prospects and a future, and you stick it out longer than a year, and go to school part time at some later date. That’s OK too.

The game plan is all about moving ahead. Yes, these may not be ideal scenarios, not the scenario you and your parents had for you, but they’re good enough scenarios for now.

Trust us, old fogies (some of whom have had kids in your predicament) that you can absolutely recover from what seems like an utter disaster.

The first step in that recovery is figuring out what concrete, forward-looking action to work on right now.

Good luck. (It will be OK.)

20

It is really great you spoke to your parents, even though they didn’t react well. They just need time to process this. It’s better having it out in the open and when things are calmer, you can work toward a plan that works for you.

I know it’s tough but you will get through it. As for everyone’s questions, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re just very overwhelmed right now and not quite sure what to do. Hopefully you are able to discuss things with your girlfriend too but most importantly, please take care of yourself, try to do something to relax, get some sleep tonight. Hopefully everyone will have a clearer head in the morning. You will figure out what to do next and things will get better! You will get through this and be stronger for it! Just hang in there.