<p>If the limit is too low she WORKS for the rest, or she does without or learns to compromise (all valuable skills) if it’s too high, she doesn’t learn and she can have fun with the rest.</p>
<p>She won’t decide anything is too high if she doesn’t have to. At this rate though everything will always be too low.</p>
<p>“What if the limit set by you are too low or too high?” Then she can TELL YOU how much more she needs each month for basic needs [and she should be able to give you an accounting of her purchases to justify the request], or how much extra she has in her acct at the end of the month/ semester, and you can adjust it up or down for the next month / semester. Simple.</p>
<p>In real life, our limits are based on how big our paycheck is. Our limits in real life are not based on how much we would like to have or how much we need, but based on how much we have available.</p>
<p>For example, I am looking at renting or buying a house. The first thing I do is see how much I house I can rent or afford. I don’t run around and look at the houses I want and then get mad at my boss for not paying more if the one I like is too expensive. I decide my price range and then only look in that price range.</p>
<p>My inlaws on the other hand rented the condo they wanted. When they found out it was too expensive, they whine at relatives to give them more because they can’t make ends meet. They were ones that didn’t have to budget as kids.</p>
<p>FauxNom: Thanks, it was good experience to learn from.</p>
<p>I’m not pretending dumb here and value everyone opinion about setting limits.
I’m just unable to convince myself that is the best way to make DD learn about finances.</p>
<p>But I still thank everyone for their input and hope I’ll be able to find a proper way to talk to her about her expenses over the spring break trip.</p>
<p>Momof10of13of15 and menloparkmom:
Thanks and I do understand why setting the limit might be important. </p>
<p>I just think that if I taught DD right financial responsibility than she should understand what a right limit is. But it might be true that if there is no incentive in making a budget, she might never do so,</p>
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<p>The reason for flying business class is very clear…there is more room…less people. </p>
<p>BUT when my kids are making plans to fly alone on a vacation, I will NOT be subsidizing a business class ticket purchase for them. And if they are smart and want more money to spend when they get to their destination (and don’t expect it to come from ME), they will economize and fly in the back of the plane…and it won’t kill them.</p>
<p>POIH…you talk like something awful will happen to your daughter if she isn’t allowed to spend any amount of money she wishes on whatever she chooses. You know…this simply isn’t the case. There are some wonderful ways to economize out there and they won’t make your daughter seem less well off than she wants folks to think she is.</p>
<p>Going out to eat for many meals per week as a college student…at fancy restaurants, going to very expensive concerts on someone else’s dime, shopping at Nordstrom or NM (not the sale racks) should be a TREAT. Sorry but that is my opinion. </p>
<p>Obviously you want your daughter to have nothing but the tippy top best…and are very willing to subsidize her in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. I hope she finds a wealthy husband and/or an extremely well paying job when she graduates. She’s going to need it.</p>
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<p>Certainly, I don’t want my DD to be in a position when she has no money to spend when she wants to but that doesn’t mean that she can spend as much as she wants without even considering how to pay for it.</p>
<p>I want her to learn the lesson of budgeting without having to empty her account every month.</p>
<p>Let me give it a shot here…</p>
<p>I think POIH feels while he is financially responsible for his daughter, then he will provide same life style for his daughter as he would provide for himself and his wife. I actually do get that. Since my girls were little, we have taken them on all vacations, same restaurants we went to (no kid’s menu for them), when we sat in the business class so did they, and their clothes were as nice mine.</p>
<p>What we are facing here is that our kids are going to leave our nest someday. In our case, we are not going to continue to support our girls in the style they have grown accustom to. We have always told them that they would have to live on their income (no matter what it is) once they graduated from college.</p>
<p>Even with our D1’s potential to earn a high income out of college (6 figures out of college), she will not have a lot of disposal income when she is living in a high cost area. After she pays for rent, utilities, there won’t be much left over for clothing, vacation, eating out and entertainment. In order for us to make sure D1 will continue to be happy once she leaves us, we want to make sure she knows how to live within a fixed budget (not an artificial budget). </p>
<p>POIH - you may make your daughter very happy by not setting a real limit for her now, but in the long run she maybe more unhappy because she’s never had a limit and therefore may not be able to live within a budget. It is the reason why we have started to be more hard nosed with D1. She’s had to trade off between a sushi dinnes with few capuccinos a day. She just ordered some expensive cream, but it’s coming out of some where, and it’s not from me. I think she will always try to drag me to go shopping with her (pretense of bonding time), but really just getting me to pay for some of her purchases. That’s fine, but it shouldn’t be expected.</p>
<p>“I’m just unable to convince myself that is the best way to make DD learn about finances.”
I sense that perhaps [?] you don’t want to be the “bad guy” or “selfish daddy” at this point, and tell your only D, who you are so close to and very proud of, that some day [soon?] she will be on her own and will have to learn to take car of herself financially, because that is a day you hope will never come or don’t want to think about?
Your reluctance to put a limit on how much you give her at this point is understandable, but is not in her best interests.
20 years from now, if she is in financial difficulty and you can’t help her, do you want her to blame you because she is a spendthrift, or come to you and wail " Why didn’t you make me learn how budget when I was younger?"</p>
<p>I can understand POIH’s point of view. She’s the apple of his eye. She’s met every expectation. He’d like to give her the world. However, he’s worried that maybe she doesn’t understand budgeting, and someday might need to live, or work, within a budget. </p>
<p>I suspect this darling girl does know how to budget. But you could test that. Give her a huge budget, $2000 a month. Then check in and see if she spends it all. I bet she doesn’t even come close. But what she does spend, plus a slush fund for emergencies, that’s really her budget.</p>
<p>I have a 20 year old daughter. We give her COA every year, in July or so (whenever fall tuition is due.) Other than that, we pay for any airplane tickets home. I know she doesn’t spend it all, I see her accounts. She’s saving for grad school, or something. She loves discount shopping, and finding deals. And very occasionally, they are designer deals.</p>
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<p>Sure. We as a family are choosing to fly business class for a nice vacation overseas. That doesn’t mean that when my kids are at college, they are entitled to book business class flights <em>on their own</em> to come home (or to travel elsewhere) and then expect me to reimburse them for it. See, they will have a budget (whatever that budget may be, I don’t know quite yet). I can set my <em>own</em> budget and it bears absolutely no relationship to what theirs will be.</p>
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<p>I get that too in terms of nice lifestyle, but I still think there is a difference in terms of what the wage-earners / adults do for themselves and what they are obligated to do for their kids. After all, we’re the wage-earners. </p>
<p>If my D is in college and I decide to go out and buy a $300 handbag for myself, that doesn’t mean that I have been neglectful if I haven’t included a new $300 handbag in her budget that month. If I <em>decide</em> out of the goodness of my heart that I want to treat her to one, that’s great, but it shouldn’t be an *expectation on her part that everything I get / have – with my hard-earned money – should just come to her.</p>
<p>Thanks oldfort/menloparkmom/UCDAlum82. </p>
<p>There are inherent fear of DD being on her own financially and not able to do well.
I’m practicing what UCDAlum82 has done but without any constraint. </p>
<p>I think I can try to give her a fixed amount each semester based on $750/month and monitor how well she does.</p>
<p>Thanks every one once again as it was very helpful.</p>
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<p>What’s the point of budgeting if cash flow is unlimited and requires no advance planning or extra effort? </p>
<p>The account doesn’t have to be “emptied” every month. In my family, we are all pretty clear on the concept of “minimum balance”. I don’t like to see the balance on my own checking account go under $1000. I think my daughter’s tolerance for a low balance is more like $200.</p>
<p>My d. has a credit card. It is her card, in her name, and the bill goes to her. She is very good about making payments --she has always been the type of person that wants to pay her bills the day she receives them. But since she has a credit card, if she is running short of cash, she isn’t going to starve. A parent who is worried about their kid’s money management skills but trusts the kid can always provide a credit card for use in “emergencies” that the parent pays. So you can alway provide some sort of safety net if you are afraid that your daughter will run out.</p>
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But that’s your fear – the same fear we parents might have about anything the child does on their own. For example, my daughter has traveled on her own extensively — of course I was fearful the first time she flew off on her own. What if she misses her connection? What if she loses her passport? What if she gets lost and can’t find her hostel? What if someone steals her wallet? Those are all real <em>fears</em> – but I had to let go of them. I still feel nervous when she is traveling – but I now know from spending some time with her while traveling that she has actually become far more adept than I am, simply from experience.</p>
<p>But we live in an age of cell phones and instant messaging and electronic fund transfers. If our kids run into trouble – these days – we really can come to their rescue in a matter of minutes.</p>
<p>$750 a month for essentially spending money. For a 10-month period, it amounts to $7,500.
I’ve seen graduate student stipends that are in the range of $18-26k, out of which students are expected to pay room, board, utilities, car-related expenditures, and so on, in other words, to live on; in return for the stipend, they’re expected to teach.
One can hope that she gets a far more generous stipend or that she learns to live more frugally between now and grad school; alternatively, you can continue to support her in the style in which she has grown accustomed.</p>
<p>Calmom: DD already have the unsecured CC and a saving account with her savings from high school. The only way she will see the limits if either I provide her a very low monthly allowance or she spend to much above her allowance.
Which doesn’t seem to be practically possible in 8 semesters but it seems to be the consensus that I just give her a fixed monthly allowance and forget about how she manage it.</p>
<p>marite: I thought the experiment is to put an upper limit on the amount disbursed which still doesn’t make much sense because what ever amount I provide to her between 500 to 750, she will not see the limits of it unless she reach the bottom of her saving and CC which is quite difficult to reach even in one full year.
The only limit she can realize is the limit she will understand to be appropriate and that is what the goal is.</p>
<p>My S has quite a bit of savings, both from his summer job and Course assistantships as well as from annual gifts. But he is determined to live mostly on his stipend and to set aside some money toward major purchases (like the $800 he spent on some musical gear).</p>
<p>If you want your D to learn to budget, give her a realistic one and ask her not to dip into her savings. I would think the object of having a budget is to see how little you can spend and still live reasonably well, as opposed to seeing how much you can spend! I do not consider $750 spending money a realistic amount. For a lot of students, this amount represents monthly room and board, not eating out and going to concerts money. In his first year of college, S received $100 per month (we paid for his books and his clothes–he did not have travel expenses). He said he seldom ever spent all of that, let alone have to dip into his savings. In his second year, he had earnings, so we stopped giving him a monthly allowance.</p>
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<p>I think that’s a good method.</p>
<p>I have a DD who has trouble living within budgets also because she has so many social obligations and can’t seem to say no. She is lucky she has a well paying job but saving outside of her 401K (she contributes the max) is still difficult due to the high rents (she lives alone) in her area. This is an issue that may need to be addressed repeatedly as I have with my own D for many years.</p>
<p>It is more difficult if her friends have parents who are more generous than you. Starting with a lower allowance is a better idea. Good luck with your D.</p>
<p>Boys are just different. My S can live very well within my D’s salary although he makes a few times more. He has roommates which I think made a major difference though he can afford living alone in luxury digs.He doesn’t cook either and eats most of his meals out.</p>