Before you read, you need to know this is a rant post from someone very demotivated. If my implication is not clear enough, please don’t post anything negative and/or discouraging here or any criticism like “you’re childish.” And if you think so, you probably missed the point of this post. So please no negative remarks. Thanks.
So it all started on May 2015 in my sophomore year, when I decided to take the SAT. Before this test came into my life, I was very successful at school with an A+, an awesome class, a large project to work on (which I was quite very successful at), I was animating and leading, making extra research, and I was a happy kid who wasn’t yet aware of college stress. I thought school was the big feat I have to prepare for very well, and I did what I loved so much outside school (animation and projects and scientific research). I had a lot of fun in my class and I worked very hard to make the best out of my time. Now you might criticize me for not worrying about college at that time. The issue is I’m the first one in the family to take the SAT and everyone else I know has done tests in my country. No one did the SAT and our college application process is VERY different. So it comes as no surprise that I actually wanted to do a “diagnostic” SAT in my sophomore year to “study well in the summer to get rid of it early” - I thought I was being merciful to myself…thought.
I did the SAT in my sophomore year and got a 1930. It was one of the worst experiences I have ever had in my life so far. My anxiety was so uncontrolled, and to make things worse, my family had traveled earlier than I did and I directly traveled the next day and I was VERY sick - it was a mess. Anyway, I decided to study very diligently to hit my goal of 2250+.
So I wasted (I’m not sure if that’s the right word) my summer studying for the SAT. I was lifeless. From the moment I woke up till the moment I slept, I studied for the SAT. I had no breaks, I had no fun, and I just studied and studied until school started. I was sick of the SAT but still had the motivation to get my dream score.
School started. I started sleeping less, waking up earlier, getting even more pressurized, all of that to manage studying the SAT and for school. I wasted again all my vacations studying for the SAT. I kept telling myself it will all end on January 23rd. On December, I superscored a 2270. I was crying. I was so happy.
Now you might think where the problem is. What I previously mentioned is perhaps a clarification for what’s coming next.
I don’t know why, but I had this strong urge to superscore a 2300. So I decided to take the Jan 23rd SAT and wasted my last vacation. I was so tired while studying it (it was directly after finals) and I really needed to rest. But I studied nonetheless. Today I got my score - it’s the lowest score I have ever gotten. And to make things worse, my drop was in math alone - my math score dropped by 110 which is a disaster, because all my majors have to do with math. My English scores were OK, but math is a huge problem. I don’t know what I’d look like, a person who had an 800 in math then a 690. I never got such a score on my real SATs or practice tests before… this score really doesn’t reflect my math skills.
On December after the SAT, I was very depressed. I’d sit alone in my room crying and I skipped a week of school. My health started deteriorating until I had to go to three separate clinics in that one week of absence. I had lost all my motivation and confidence, and I just wanted to go somewhere very far and stay alone for 3 weeks. I’ve never been so demotivated in my life.
With the start of the second term, things have just been getting worse. I can’t help but notice how annoying and dead my class is, how unqualified my teachers are, how ambiguous my tests are, and overall how school is no longer challenging and fun and that they’re not even qualified enough to teach juniors. They do a lot of mistakes, they never give me my rights back after long arguments and my parents complaining, and they’re too overrated and full of themselves while they suck big time. I’m tired of correcting teachers, telling them the questions are not written well, spending time in the most boring class ever (by the way, the class I’m in REALLY affects my mood and drive to work) and having nonchallenging material. The way I see school now has changed a lot - I see school now as a place with a bunch of overrated failures who are wasting my time and frustrating me. They’re now pressurizing us for the sake of false reputation, and I’ve reached this point where I want to do a lot of stuff (project management, astrophysics, upgrade my animation skills, computer science, fitness, Model UN) and I’m so lost in life. I was deluded by the excellence of my school. It’s actually not great after all, and it’s not only I saying this - most juniors and seniors are too. The fact my teachers give false info and write wrong questions really puts me off because all my effort goes straight to the trash because THEY are wrong, not ME. I’m now procrastinating a lot and I get my homework done at school a period before it’s due, I can listen to music for 6+ without interruption (and I don’t mind spending my day this way) and I’m almost always in a bad mood and isolated from everyone. I miss my old class and life. I’ve reached the point in which I just want to stay alone and do nothing for weeks - I want to empty my head a little. But I have no chance with this stupid school. Also, all what I want to do and college application are overwhelming me like hell. And to add to this, I got an amazing 690 on math. I’m so sick of everything and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired of everything.
I thought that my post-Jan 23rd life would be happy and a bit easier - but it’s actually a LOT worse. I just want to be myself again - the motivated student who worked very hard to achieve her goal, and who had other interests in which she invested a lot of effort. I just want to recover.
How would you recover from such a situation…