<p>Hi cc parents. I posted a thread here before about my mom wanting me to choose UCSC over UCSB because it was closer to home. It turned out that she talked to her friend and was convinced that UCSB would be a better choice. But ever since then, my mom has been complaining about how long it takes to drive to SB (~5 hours) and how much trouble I'm causing her and my stepdad. (I have been researching on the public transportation options so I wouldn't have to bother them though). Yeah and she was the one that told me to hurry up and submit my SIR to UCSB when we found out I didn't get into Berkeley.</p>
<p>We went to SB for my orientation a few days ago. We were driving around the campus the day before the orientation to see where it would be since the campus was so big. I didn't print out the campus map and my mom was saying how irresponsible I was, although there were signs showing us where to go and it didn't seem to be any problems. I also told her that they would give us the schedule and stuff at the check-in (I checked the schedule online at least 20 times though to make sure I knew everything about the program and what to bring), but my mom didn't even listen and kept scolding me all the time we were in the car. I cried for the whole night and had no enthusiasm at the orientation. Everything went smoothly though, but I was bothered by my mom's words and complaints the whole time.</p>
<p>I know that my mom is also working hard to pay for my college, but she won't stop talking like I've made the wrong choice and scolding me for every little thing regarding school. I never responded to what she said to me though, I'd just stay quiet and go to my room to cry. I asked her what I should do and she told me to be responsible!! I've been trying hard to meet all my mom's expectations. But I'm not a robot... I might have made mistakes sometimes, but I've been doing my best. It hurts when she says that I'm irresponsible. When she saw me cry she said I was being stubborn.We just had a quarrel for the first time and it seems like she won't understand me. I only need a little support from her about going to UCSB. I don't know what to do now!! What went wrong? It's like I'm never good enough. I don't want to be feeling guilty about all these things for the rest of the years at UCSB!!! What am I supposed to do? Parents, please help (T_T)!!!</p>
<p>At your age, it is probbly time for parents to let you in on a little secret. We are scared for ourselves and you, we often don't know what we are doing, we make bad decisions for you, we make bad decisions for ourlselves, sometimes events happen that neither kid nor parent can expect. </p>
<p>So, you are probably somewhat dependent on your mom/parents. So you have to deal with it a bit. Of all the options not sayign anythng and crying is probably not the worst, but there is probably a better way t go. </p>
<p>Also, you should be expected to do some things wrong as a'learning experience'</p>
<p>At a non-adversarial moment try to tell your mom..." I know this may not be a perfect sitiuation, but I want to make the most of it. I can take care of the little things, reading official mail, telling you when things will be due so you arent surprised, buying toothpaste. Taking care of health needs 9whatver they maybe) I still need your help with the big things, money for school, advice on career, I need to know you are a backstop and saftey net --at least for now "</p>
<p>Parents like kids have trouble separating when the kids go off to college. Some parents because very nit picky and controlling. My Mom was like this. I know being on the receiving end is very painful.</p>
<p>All I can suggest is for you to realize this is not your fault. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You aren't responsible for changing her behavior.</p>
<p>You can let her know that you appreciate the sacrifices she's making for your college education. At the same time, when you do this, realize that your expressing appreciation won't change her behavior because her behavior isn't your fault.</p>
<p>It's good that you don't end up shouting at her or anything like that. See if you can find a way that you can protect yourself from her behavior while continuing not to be mean to her in retaliation. Perhaps talking to a trusted friend or venting in a journal would help you. Counseling also may help so you are able to enjoy your college experiences without having your mom's words suck the joy out of what should be a fulfilling time in your life.</p>
<p>I can not tell you how much I relate. As I went off to college, my mother criticized everything about me. Everything. I was in such turmoil when I went to college. It took me years to realize that she was very proud of me, she loved me very much, and it was hard for her when I left since I was her closest friend. Her reaction, though, wasn't my fault, and I wish I had had ways back then of coping so that I was in cheerier spirits when I started college.</p>
<p>Take a DEEP breath and say to yourself over and over again-it will get better when I am at college. I'M GOING TO A UC!!!!!!You need to start to "tune her out". Go on facebook and find a forum for UCSB students and start talking with them. Your mom is also most likely feeling angst that you are leaving soon, all parents do [ but probably is conflicted and doesn't want to admit it]. Is your mom is from overseas? [ my apologies if this is not correct] So many foreign born parents place WAY to much emphasis on the name of the college, and don't understand that for UG students here in the US, where you go to college is NOT as important as what you learn there.</p>
<p>I would encourage you to have confidence in your decisions - they are YOUR decisions to be made about YOUR future - not your mom's future. While her worries are natural, to a point, you also need to stand on your own two feet and at times just tune out the negative parental input. I spent WAY too many years trying to please my own mother, all for naught as ultimately, even today, she is only capable of pointing out my flaws and the things I didn't do.</p>
<p>Hopefully your mother isn't like mine! Do your best to have open and honest discussions about your decisions. Be prepared to openly admit to a mistake if that is the outcome and share what you have learned - sometimes "mistakes" bring the best lessons. And don't be surprised at the "I told you so!"s; just do your best to chalk those up to your mom being your mom and move on. Learning to let go of resentment has been a hard thing for me, but so liberating. I manage it every once in a while and it just makes life better.</p>
<p>menloparkmom, well we're from overseas. Moreover, we're ASIAN... lol</p>
<p>My mom came to the US 4 years ago and at that time I and my younger sis went to live w/ our dad in Europe and we would see each other only in the summer. I and my sister came to the US 2 years ago, and now it's only me that's leaving for college and my sister is still with her. I'm still in California and I'll be coming home every break...</p>
<p>Firstly, you've done nothing wrong so try not to dwell on that. Moreover, you were accepted to UCSB which is a pretty good feat in itself. You have just a few more weeks to go then you'll be there and won't have to deal so much with the hour to hour parental interaction. Try to minimize the drama as much as possible until then and be mentally strong - don't let your mother get under your skin. Some battles aren't worth fighting and that probably applies to many of the ones between your mother and you. When it heats up, just try to be calm and think to yourself "only a few more weeks, only a couple more weeks, only a few more days". </p>
<p>Regarding the distance - don't worry about that either. It isn't like your mother will be going there every week (at least let's hope not). And, you can take an inexpensive train ride from UCSB to home.</p>
<p>nicha - Congrats on getting into UCSB -- excellent! As for the situation with your Mom, I agree with prior posters who suggest that she's suffering some separation anxiety. There's a good chance the intensity will slack off with time. Meanwhile, is your father available for support? My girls know that they can rely on their Dad, and that makes it easier to deal with some of the craziness in our household. Good luck with this.</p>
<p>Nicha, these are all about your mom's issues and not yours. As painful as it is, try to look past them. Unless she comes right out and says NO, go ahead with your plans at UCSB. I suspect that in a few months the fear and anxiety that is triggering her unattractive behavior will subside and you'll have your mom back again - but you'll be wiser and remember that this side of her exists. She is human, and you are not responsible for her choices regarding her own happiness.</p>
<p>I was waiting for DD the other day and I picked up a book by Deborah Tannen called "You're Wearing That?" It's not a weighty piece of research, but it does make you understand that yours is a pretty universal feeling. Head to a Barnes and Noble and get yourself something to drink and read through it - no need to purchase, you'll be able to skim and get the gist of it.</p>
<p>Good luck to both of you in the coming years.</p>
<p>Nicha, Just adding a perspective from the parent of a freshman heading off to college . . . I do not have separation anxiety about my son leaving but I have become majorly anxious about paying the college bill. We should be able to swing it, but I grew up in a poor family and not feeling financially secure pushes an unconscious fear/anxious reaction in me. I have had to work hard over the past few weeks to reassure myself . . . I'M OKAY. It IS NOT my son, but ME. I don't know if this could be a scenario for your mom, just giving you food for thought.</p>
<p>Nicha - I know of some foreign-born Asian parents who (1) show their love of their children by criticizing their children… (sad, I know, but they either don’t know how to express their love in other ways or they think criticisms will motivate their kids to become more successful or “better” in the future); (2) show their love of their children by emphasizing all the parental sacrifices that they have made… (and hoping their children will remember the sacrifices and take care of the parents in old age). I do not know if your mother thinks like that or not. I just want to point out that there may be some cultural forces at work and the criticism may not be personal about you at all. Since it is unlikely that you can change your mother’s attitude before school starts, just do the best you can to stay positive and be excited about your future. You may have to go outside of your immediate family (e.g. friends, other relatives, or CC :)) to get the emotional support you need at this time. Good luck.</p>
<p>Your letter really brought back some sad memories for me (a 46 yr old mom of a freshman UCD student) & my college experience. Getting out of the house & into a different environment is a good thing for you. Being emotionally upset like you describe tells me you need to see your doctor & tell her or him what you've told the world here. You don't have to tell your mom what's going on inside you without another sympathetic adult there to help buffer what might be said. Going to UCSB may not be the best thing for you right now. If you do start there in a few weeks, then make sure you head for the counseling center right away & take advantage of the free services they provide. Getting counseling is NOT a sign of weakness or severe illness. Many college students have difficulty transitioning from home to school. It does sound like your Mom is having lots of trouble with this. My mom did, too. Don't make the mistake I did -- I kept trying to go to school & dropping out of classes, because of the emotional turmoil I was in. Good luck to you. Reaching out on this forum shows that you are trying to do what's best for yourself.</p>
<p>Thank you very much for all your advice. I've started to feel a little better. School starts late in September so I can probably get help then. </p>
<p>I talked to my friend who's like 4 years older than me and she said that my mom could be stressing out about paying for my college. My mom has also mentioned that. But when I told her I could take out loans and would pay back by myself when I graduate she said no (=_=")... I just wanted to make her less worried about money. I mentioned the loans for before though, when I was still in high school, but she didn't agree.</p>
<p>I just want the situation to get better before I leave. I and my mom hardly speak to each other after the argument we had yesterday, even though she hasn't scolded me (yet) since then.</p>