The title is a bit vague but do allow me to continue.
Let me begin by stating that in high school I wasn’t particularly academic, with some relatively weak SATs (1400/1600 in modern scale) and a GPA that really did beggar belief in its mediocrity; I was someone who ‘coasted’ in school if you will.
Ever since graduating high school, I’ve only continued to coast by going to an average state school and deciding to major in history and political science. Now, whilst I have gotten a high GPA in doing so (3.9/4.0), it feels like I’ve accomplished very little in doing so in that I’ve really not had to put in a terrible amount of effort–very rarely being pushed.
I say that not to brag (and obviously if it was 100% easy, I would have a 4.0 instead but I do have my reasons for not having one), but rather to highlight my overall disgruntlement. I realized midway through my college career that to learn isn’t really about the grades on the transcript, but rather in engaging with the material, grappling with it, forcing your brain to come up with novel ways of problem solving and all in all feeling rewarded once that work is completed.
Instead, I’m a bit of a parrot who leeches of the brilliance of others for mediocre papers, knowing that what I’ve studied hasn’t necessarily led to that
I wake up every day feeling just a little bit more empty as I approach graduation, knowing that I may well have had chances to challenge myself, change my course, set myself up for a better position career-wise and yet I didn’t. All I did was sit.
I’m sure it’s apparent that I’m not in the best headspace at the moment, and for this I do apologize. In fact, that’s been the case for the majority of my college years–cursing myself for not taking the plunge to do something different with my life and yet being frozen anyway to placate my parents and to avoid appearing lazy even though I’ve been nothing but.
I know that this post will not necessarily lead to a foolproof road to success, and I also know that I need some sort of professional help as my self-belief is effectively zero.
Essentially then, I’m in dire need of guidance as someone who has gone through the past two years in an antidepressant-fueled haze, lurching from one day to the next, growing sadder and sadder as I approach a graduation that looks more and more of a mistake with each passing day. Any help is appreciated and I also accept any criticisms one may have of me–I probably deserve them.