In need of some opinions/review

<p>I have written an essay in response to the common application transfer question, "Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve." I am applying to Syracuse for the fall 2014 term and hope to have my application in by next week. This is the last piece of my application and am just looking for some constructive criticism!</p>

<p>Watching as my father loaded up the car with various medical instruments and leaving the driveway on his way to a nearby hospital preparing for a surgery, I felt a curiosity grow within. Orthopedic instruments are my father’s specialty, and this bestowed a great influence of science upon me. All throughout secondary school I had loved learning about the sciences, and there was no doubt in my mind that I was to go on to study them in college. After high school I attended Cayuga Community College with intentions to transfer after completing one year. Starting my education at Cayuga was one of the best decisions I’ve made, as it helped me to mature and make my educational path much clearer. My goal is to go on to study the life sciences and eventually bio engineering. I wish to someday work in the field of bio mechanical instruments and improve their performance as well as design. As the end of the school year is approaching I feel I am ready to move on to a university where I can begin to learn and practice my passion of learning.
Beginning at a community college has been very enjoyable in terms of both work load and experience. However, a community college does not offer the major I intend on studying. I feel I am ready to move to a large university such as Syracuse. I want to attend a reputable school that offers an excellent program in both the life sciences and engineering, and I have found that Syracuse offers an outstanding education in both. The sciences are a calling in life as they are always improving and moving forward. In order to keep advancing in technology more people need to be willing to study the sciences. I like the location of the school. It is close enough to home, and I love the city of Syracuse as I actually used to live there in Cicero. The campus at Syracuse is beautiful and gives me an overall feeling of satisfaction. I like the way it is set up and the architecture to some of their buildings is incredible! I believe attending Syracuse University can offer me a true college experience along with excellent academics that can help me grow into a person of my major.
Making my transition into a new university I am ready to become successful in my education. One of the most important goals that should be considered is learning. In college learning and retaining as much information as possible is very crucial. After all when a person graduates and enters their field of study, they must know what they were taught to do their job successfully. A long term goal of mine is to complete my undergraduate. This will be a major milestone in my education allowing me to go on and complete more. After I have completed my undergraduate I wish to go on to graduate school for bio engineering as well as to pursue a Master of Business Administration. This will correlate with my degree of bio engineering by giving me knowledge and the process of sales. I hope to become molded through what I am taught over my next few years in college.
I have done well at Cayuga Community College, and have enjoyed my time here. I am ready to explore my inner curiosity with the sciences and the bio engineering field. By Attending Syracuse University I believe I can grow as well as meet my academic goals.</p>

<p>Write an essay that shows you and give explanation of exactly how Syracuse will mold you to be who you want to be. While you started out great, the rest of the essay had some downfalls. Along with grammar, you were repetitive and I did not gain a great sense of “you” as an individual. You said “it gives me an overall feeling of satisfaction,” which sounds like you are merely satisfied with Syracuse, and not happy or ecstatic about the campus. Now I am just a student in his senior year of high school, but I am well regarded as a writer. If you would like, I could share my statement of interest with you and help you edit this essay. I also applied to Syracuse.</p>

<p>Contact me at franciscodeltoro134(at)gmail(dot)com if you would like. Won’t let me use @ symbol or period symbol for privacy issues.</p>