I recently returned from a scholarship weekend. On the post weekend evaluation, both parents and students were asked on a percentage basis who would make the decision regarding accepting or not accepting the scholarship at this university.
My son and I both put that it was 100% his choice, 0% percent mine.
I ran into a couple of parents in the airport and when they heard that, they were aghast. They are children. We are the parents. They don’t get to choose. I countered that it was their life. I was told they were too young to be ready to make that kind of decision on their own.
I admittedly gave very limited options to my child regarding colleges due to financial issues. However, amongst those he did apply to, I told him it was his decision. Even this particular scholarship, I told him I understood if he preferred not to take it (He absolutely wanted to and thought I was being silly…)
But I am now curious - as parents - which of you made the decision for your child on where to attend (assuming other options within the same financial spectrum?) What were your reasons for doing so? And how did it work out?
I admit I was taken aback when I said it was my son’s decision and I was looked upon as if I were completely insane. So now, I am just curious - who made the final decision in your house and why?
I think it’s got to be their choice. We helped compile the applications list, we gave our daughter a budget. If she’s accepted and a school fits the budget or gave her enough merit aide to fit the budget, then she can choose it. I’ve been having this conversation with my husband. As far as he is concerned our daughter was already accepted to the perfect school and she should go there. He “sort of” understands she needs to buy in. He’s currently trying to sway her with offers of no student loans and ample spending money… but, in the end, it has to be her choice.
We let our kids make the final choice as well. We were pleased with the choices they made and understood them. It seems appropriate that they should be given the budget and parameters and make their choice among the options. Who will be attending the U anyway?
For students who count as “dependent” for financial aid purposes, parents have absolute veto power over the student’s college choice, except if the student earns a full ride merit scholarship or can otherwise self-finance college with no parental aid (including cooperation on financial aid forms as well as money).
I.e. in the end, it is 100% the parents’ decision, but many parents make the decision to allow the student to choose any college that does not exceed their net price limit (though that can be a substantial limitation for many students). But not all do (as shown by the parental control threads that show up on these forums frequently).
As long as the school fit the budget, my daughter could make the choice. I will admit, though, that if she chose a school for what I thought was a “bad” reason, i.e., to follow a boyfriend to a school that would not be a good fit, I’d struggle with allowing her to choose. I probably would allow it in the end, though.
IMO the process should be done jointly with input from parents and students. The final decision was left to our kids, but as parents we set financial and geographic parameters in advance and we talked together about colleges we saw after visits (FWIW we never gave an opinion on a school until our kids told us theirs). So basically we had our say upfront and our kids applied only to schools we would have been happy for them to attend.
@delilahxc IMO your son’s decision was not 100% his choice as you (very appropriately) limited his applications/options based on finances. So in essence you eliminated any unsuitable college from the start. If parents don’t have the foresight to do that, they they may need to have more input in the final decision.
I meant that his decision on whether or not to accept this particular scholarship was 100% his decision. Yes, as far a financial aspects go, he was limited. However, within the programs which were feasible, the decision was 100% his, I was speaking more to the notion whether or not a parent should decide on a much broader level.
We were a middle-need family when D1 applied to college (and high need by the time she started; her dad was fired from his job in the second week of May in D1’s senior year of high school) and continued to be high need during D2’s time in college. Fortunately, most if not all the schools they applied to came in with reasonable FA packages that were within our decreasing financial limits. I said that I preferred they not apply to colleges in the deep South or the mountain and high plains states. But if they had said they wanted to, I wouldn’t have stopped them. Otherwise, I expressed no preference, and they chose the colleges they attended.
D’s choice … with a caveat. Finances would have weighed heavily had Dartmouth not matched Harvard’s FA offer, and I’m not sure where I would have landed had it been a choice between paying full fare at the one versus a 2/3 discount at the other.
WE did as others on this thread did-we set a budget and D could apply and attend anywhere that fit into that budget, whether through scholarships, actual COA, etc. She applied only to places she’d be happy to attend, so no “settling” on a also-ran safety. She got into all of her choices, got enough money from all but 2, and made a list of pros and cons for each. While we did have to set a budget, the rest was on her. SHE’S the one in college, after all.
For my daughters it was their decision in the end. We tried to help guide or shape their thinking about which schools they should apply to, with only limited success I’m afraid, There was one school on D1’s list that I disliked and was holding my breath, hoping she would not pick it (she did not - whew!). And there was one terrific school that I thought was perfect for D2, but for no particular reason she didn’t want to apply, so she didn’t. And for each girl, once the acceptances came out the final choice was theirs.
We did not set a budget. We worked on a list of colleges which we thought would be a good fit and which we thought were “worth” paying what we’d need to pay at that particular school, and then let the kids work the process with their guidance counselors. One of the counselors was irritated at me for vetoing a college he felt was a good safety school for one of my kids- I told the counselor that the state U had a better reputation and better resources, facilities, etc. in this particular field and that therefore we wouldn’t be casting a wide net for an expensive “alternative” safety. One was fine- kid applied immediately, was accepted immediately, so the counselor backed down.
After that- we kept our mouths shut. We had personal feelings about some schools being a better fit than others, but once a college made it to the list, (and after we expressed our reservations about putting it on the list) we kept quiet.
Kids all made thoughtful and well reasoned decisions. They loved where they ended up, and no doubt, on the bad days (because everyone has bad days, even kids who love their college) they were not able to say, “Gee, Mom made me go here”. They chose it, they owned it.
We allowed our kids to make the choice although we discussed different schools as a family along the way through the process. In general, we were in agreement which helped although one kid chose my second choice instead of my first. Kid is happy so I’m good with it.
Honestly, I think that question is odd and being a contrarian type I probably would have left it blank as NOTB.
My son wanted JHU. I told him I couldn’t afford it and I wouldn’t let him saddle himself with the loans necessary to cover what I wouldn’t pay. I told them We had X amount (cost of in-state tuition, room and board) saved for their school, and they old have to pay if more than that. I helped them develop lists, apply early action to a school they would actually like to attend, and to limit further applications to schools “better” than where they were accepted EA. I certainly discussed options and influenced their decisions through discussion and spreadsheets, but they decided.
My kids wanted, and needed, a lot of guidance and suggestions. There are a lot of schools I couldn’t have afforded and others that I just don’t like, so I never mentioned them. My kids hadn’t heard of them, so it wasn’t an issue. One had an itch to go to college in California and I told her to research different schools and tell me how she’d be able to pay for it on the budget, but she never did the work so I didn’t pay for the applications.
My kids decided to apply to only one school (each a different school). Originally I had required that they each apply to a state school as a fall back, but both were accepted to their schools in the fall. Each agreed that if something happened and the one and only school did not work out, she would take a gap year.
I really don’t think the decisions were 100% theirs as I was driving the bus. They also weren’t 100% mine or one child would be at the Coast Guard Academy and the other would be at Flagler. Still not sure why I didn’t get my way.
Within the parameters we set, it was their choice. But now that D2 has grad school acceptances, I admit – I’m lobbying against her current 1st choice. I can’t imagine a much worse location to spend 5 years. I’m hoping a school she is visiting this week will jump up the list. It is, of course, her choice. But I’m expressing an opinion.
