This thread is giving me flashbacks to when my first child was born.
Here’s the issue as I see it. OP is a mom to 2 boys. There is no opportunity to have a daughter come to her for help, advice, or just “hang out”. She is looking to her daughter-in-law to fill this hole and unfortunately, that is a losing proposition.
Patsam, you need to try to be encouraging but not overbearing. Tell your son and DIL that you will be happy to help in any way they like, and then just step back (not away). If she is very close with her mother, you may always come in a distant second, but that is a far sight better than being ejected from the race entirely.
Getting caught up in trivial nonsense about things like Christmas cards will just drive wedges between you. Is there any reason that your holiday card with the happy announcement had to include a photo? (I mean, really, don’t other people’s babies all “look the same”?) Couldn’t a gushing note been just as fulfilling? But, I digress.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but sometimes we need a good splash of cold water on our face.
Please know that I DO feel for your situation. I am sure as the mom of 3 boys I will be there someday too!
So I’ve gone back and read some of OP’s threads… It’s sort of hard to follow because it’s possible OP has more than 1 son but I don’t think the son is married and instead this is his girlfriend. It looks like the son is 24 and the GF is 22 or 23. The GF had trouble getting insurance because she thought she was covered on her parents policy and it also looks like the OP either owns the place the son is living or has co-sign the loan for the place?
So assuming we are dealing with a younger unmarried couple. The OP is probably more worried than most grandmom’s given the above situation and the GF is probably on edge too. So while originally I thought the DIL was a pill I now think it’s more that the GF is probably unsure of the future. I still think though that OP should be talking to the son about stuff rather that the GF.
@Patsam, when you tell us that you’re “letting” the baby’s mother “win,” it shows that you have an adversarial relationship with her. The best, most important thing you can do for your son and grandson is to find a way to become her ally instead. I understand how precious your grandchild is to you – I have a darling 4-day-old grandson myself (my first!). Ask yourself what you want for him. Do you want his parents to enjoy raising him without unnecessary conflict? Then make these difficult first few months easy, and about them as a nuclear family.
Beginnings are important. It seems as if you may already have established yourself in your DIL’s mind as … well, as someone whose boundaries are markedly different from hers. If you give her pushback about her choices, or try doing end runs around them, she’s going to have a hard time seeing you in a positive light. It’s a fact: grandmothers are important to children, but mothers are MORE important. This is HER baby in a way he will never be yours. If you show her you understand and accept that, you’ll have a better, closer relationship with your grandson in the future.
And please – support whatever feeding choices your son and DIL make about their baby without question, and without expecting your feelings to be a factor. Whether formula or breastfed, this is a parental decision and comments from others, especially grandmothers, are just a minefield.
Without reading this whole thread, all I could think was WOW. I was so proud of my kids that I wanted the world to see them! In fact, they’re grown, but if any of you want to feature them in YOUR Christmas card this year, I’ll send you some pics!!!
Just another thought … OP, pick your battles. The first time I ever gathered the courage to confront dh about his mom was when she kept making constant demands on our weekends. We lived four hours away from her, and she was constantly wanting us to go to this family reunion (seven hours away) for the weekend or this event at the church or come celebrate blahblabblah. I finally told dh to tell her that we would do three things a year, including holidays, and for her to decide what was most important because everything can’t be equally important.
UGH. I am getting crazy remembering all this. And what I hate is that it created a wedge that was never repaired before she died. We reached a place of pleasantness and even love, but not the closeness that I would have liked.
When my mother passed away, one of my sister-in-laws spoke at the funeral and broke down in tears describing her as the most loving, supportive mother-in-law ever. She said she always felt so blessed whenever any of her friends complained about their own mother-in-laws because hers was just so perfect.
Unknown to anyone else in the audience, whether family or friends, was the fact my mother pretty much detested this daughter-in-law from the very first time she met her. Mother really sucked it up. I only knew because Mother told me everything. (she could have used CC) That was a pretty nice legacy in my opinion.
Over the years she has frequently mentioned to me she sometimes models her own behavior on my mother. That makes me so happy.
I remembered the issue about OP being at the hospital while dil was in labor.I didn’t remember the health insurance for dil’s pregnancy issue, but now I do.
So did dil end up getting insurance for the pregnancy?
You never returned to the thread about being there while dil was in labor. So what happened – were you there while dil was in labor?
You’ve received good advice, as hard as it is. I’d encourage you to look to your own relationship with your MIL either to reflect on the good or the bad that she added, and why.
My oldest kids are almost 18 and my parents still sometimes say “we don’t want to overstep our bounds.” It goes really far towards wanting them to be MORE involved. I know they want to be very involved and I encourage it, and they know they’re not entitled to anything and don’t insist.
As a matter of fact, the only time I snapped at them to back off was when they were pressuring me to breastfeed my twins…and my doctors and I had, after several months of my preemie twins not gaining weight and careful and extensive consideration/consulting with La Leche, etc, decided that a combo of pumping, formula, and bottles was better for all concerned. Imagine knowing that yes, breastfeeding is ideal, but that it’s not working for your kids, and then getting pressure to do it anyway because your mother is so militant about it. All while being exhausted. It took some time for us to get past that.
My in-laws…I don’t like them much, to be honest, although I’ve tried to fake it. They criticize my kids and have developed extremely homophobic views since they’ve moved to a different area of the country (which they’re pretty rude about, even knowing my sister is gay & married). And the more bossy and insistent they get about some things, the less effort we make to see them. It’s their loss, but it’s also sad for us. We’ve tried explaining that if they backed off about a few things everything would be better, but they say they’re entitled as grandparents to say whatever they want. So, they only see their grandkids infrequently, and superficially.
TL;DR: Grandparents aren’t entitled, and attitude is everything.
This thread made me reflect that my mother-in-law had died before my child was born. I wish she could have been there, and I would have been happy to have her include pictures of QMP in any Christmas letters or other letters she sent out (by snail mail).
I think that exploring why people feel as they do about issues that seem very small is a wise idea. Sometimes there are hidden reasons. Sometimes the reasons may be hard to express. Perhaps the OP’s son could help the OP understand what is really at issue here.
Also, re #88, bah! Grandparents are entitled, and I intend to act plenty entitled if I ever become a grandparent!
alh-I kind of feel bad for your SIL, thinking that your mom liked her when she detested her. What a strong word! Since she’s modeling your mom without ever knowing how your mother felt about her, she must actually have some very redeeming qualities. I’d rather be liked for real, and I hope she never learns the truth.
I use my late ex-MIL as the kind of MIL I want to be if I ever get to that point. She was nothing but kind to me, even after my ex left me, and never spoke to my two older kids without asking after me and their sister, who wasn’t even related to her. She was generous with her time and talents but never tried to tell us what to do or how to do it.
sseamom: oh, I agree, I feel kind of bad for SIL about that, too. OTOH, the only reason I know is because my mother confided in me, probably instead of saying the sorts of things that would have disrupted family relationships. I could admire my mother even more if she had been able to say nothing, but of course then I wouldn’t know about it at all. It does sometimes make me wonder what she really thought about the rest of us. She wasn’t perfect by any means.
adding: one reason I know about some of this is because I’m the eldest and my parents made me in aware of various financial issues just in case from the time I was a small child. I was supposed to take care of my siblings. My siblings are blissfully unaware of generations of family history.
SIL is one of the best mothers I know. She would have been guardian to our minor kids if anything had happened to us. She is a better mother than the woman she models.
These days I see everything in the context of at least 50 years of history.
Grandparent/grandbaby relationships in first few months become less important to me in the scheme of things. Of course, I’m not there yet, so I may change my perspective entirely. I’m opining on something of which I have absolutely no first hand knowledge. I have to look to others to see how they handled it all and what seemed to turn out okay.
Son to take your side and tell DIL she is a useless mother. Break up their relationship and reduce/lose contact with your grandchild forever.
Son to take DIL’S side and you will reduce /lose contact with baby forever.
DIL to agree with you and say "I’m a terrible mom so I’ve decided to abandon my child so you can raise him/her ".
I don’t think any of these options are great for the grandchild. Number two happened in my family and I barely knew my paternal grandmother. Forget the Christmas card and STOP making every contact with your DIL an opportunity for correction and criticism. It’s not worth damaging your family over such petty things and I can’t see a good outcome long term.
Your love and enthusiasm for your grandson is very evident. Please don’t mar your relationships by making it a competition. Not mom vs grandma and not grandma vs grandma. Always looking at time with your grandson through a scorekeeper’s eye will take away from the loving grandma experience. Love this child and his parents and respect their decisions. It’s great that this new mom is dedicated to breastfeeding. Please don’t undermine her success, even unintentionally. Offer advice when asked or if you feel the there is potential for harm, but keep in mind that there is more than one way to do most things.
Becoming a new grandma is not a second chance to be a parent. It is a first chance to be a grandparent. It is time to step back and watch the wonder of seeing your child become a parent. Allow yourself to fully and freely enjoy this new experience. Stay considerate and you’ll find your rhythm. Being a grandma, maternal or paternal, is incredible.
My MIL was also a fine woman and relative. In all the years I knew her, the only thing that could pass for wanting something done her way- or even hinting- was when she said, “Will we use the good silver?” (No problem.) The only negative opinion she ever expressed (and this was rare) was about closed-minded or unethical people. By instinct, she never got involved in our parenting. Period. It was easy to be family with her. Even if we asked for advice, she side-stepped. She treasured “visits.”
I think many of us know how it feels to be excluded. It happens. But usually, if you take a breath, weigh things and keep your eye on the ball (the relationships,) there’s breathing room for things to improve. It’s not who’s the better person, who deigns to allow someone else to “win.” Or assessing how we think our comments shouldn’t hurt or be taken wrong or that “my” wants should trump. Believe me, that’s my argument with my own mother.
So the request to share photos can seem so small- and natural. But there are many ways to do this without making it so high tension, so definitive, building up the hurt- and the defense in your own mind. Especially at a time when the new baby responsibilities are so high for a new mom. Pare back to the one only and send out the dang cards. Or respect the original “no” and quietly send those dear friends, who need to be updated, a letter with a photo, in January.
Acting plenty entitled when the parents don’t want the interference can easily result in acting plenty entitled from hundreds or thousands of miles away. So you only get the chance once or twice a year. They can just move away if there is too much perceived interference if they stay close.
They’re entitled to love their grandkids completely and unconditionally, and to have a special bond.
What they’re not entitled to do is criticize, undermine the parents’ wishes or beliefs, or engage in power plays. Not saying the OP did this, but sometimes it’s hard to see in yourself.
alh-thank you for such honesty and openness. As the oldest of 5, I know things that my siblings never got to hear. Now that both parents are gone, my sibs still come to me to complain about each other, even though they never listen to what I advise!
(she could have used CC) That was a pretty nice legacy in my opinion.