<p>So I'm beginning school in three short weeks two thousand miles away on the East Coast. My Mom is from the area where my school is located, so she obviously has a lot of family and friends there. Without consulting me, she enlisted the help of two of her sisters to help move me in, and scheduled two lunches and dinner with family and a few of her friends. All I want to do is move-in as quickly and easily as possible, without the constraints of having relatives there as well as having to attend these "meals." I told my Mom this and she thinks I'm being selfish and rude, and that by refusing these offers, I will be burning bridges and offending friends and relatives who really want to see me. I feel like this is my time, not hers, and she is just complicating an already complicated time. Now she thinks I should call my relatives and HER friends and cancel these plans she made.
Am I wrong on this? Am I being the selfish/rude one? Help haha
Thanks</p>
<p>Ok…these are not some random relatives. These are your Aunts. I think your Mom is bang on. What are you going to do if you come down with a true case of “stop in your tracks flu” 2000 miles from home? The kind of flu that you truly can’t physically move? What about if you break a bone, have a computer or wallet stolen? Who are you going to call? Your roommate…your RA…let me tell you something. College kids are typically a pretty self absorbed bunch and if you think they are going to stop in their tracks to help you…well…reevaluate. </p>
<p>Having family close by for crazy times is a gift. I feel you need to suck this up and keep the plans. Here is the reality. A great deal of the kids moving in will have family there on those move in days and they too will be “going out” with their families and when you have family to go out with too…you might actually be grateful to have something to do. I suspect you are not taking a car, and you might find having access to transportation for things you left behind a pretty good deal. </p>
<p>Its two lunches and a dinner…eight weeks into dorm room food you are going to be wishing these same Aunts would stop by and take you to dinner…or lunch.</p>
<p>I totally get it. You want to be independent, on your own. Can’t you and your mom compromise…meaning she calls them and reschedules the dinners? Or you could call them yourself and reschedule. Let them know you just want to get settled in and meet your roommate, college classmates…get used to the school. </p>
<p>I think her friends and family will understand…this is your college experience. Talk to her, talk to them. You can have it all…</p>
<p>A simple solution would be for your Mom to call the relatives and suggest that they reschedule their visit for a later after you’ve participated in all of the new freshman activities and settled into dorm life. After a couple of weeks, it’ll be a nice change of pace to visit with them and enjoy a real meal (instead of dining hall food).</p>
<p>Accept the move-in help. It is good to connect with local relatives for all the reasons above. Secondly, look at your schedule for move-in and see if the lunches/dinners interfere with anything important. Remember many kids will be going to dinner with their parents, going to lunch with their parents, etc. so your roommates will be coming and going with their parents as will many kids on your floor, in your dorm before the parents leave to go to their homes. It might not be such the inconvenience you anticipate. If it does interfere with a convocation or something special then ask if it can be rescheduled for a different date/time.</p>
<p>My sons would have said the exact same thing you did. Having parents around during stressful move-in time is difficult enough. I think having more distant relatives would be a distraction during a very busy and tense time. Most schools have a lot of activities planned during that time also. Getting together with them at a slighter later date in the semester would seem much better, IMO.</p>
<p>Is your mom traveling out East with you? </p>
<p>Do any of the arrangements she’s made conflict with any orientation/1st year events? If yes…that could certainly help get you off the hook. If no…she should have asked you before making the arrangements, but I’m in agreement with some of the other posts that this would be a good opportunity to be better acquainted with some of these people in case you need their help in an emergency situation. You may also find…later on…that it’s nice to get away from campus and the immediate area once or twice a semester for a change of “scenery”.</p>
<p>I agree with your perspective and would have felt the same way. Your mother really put you in a predicament and worse, she’s not willing to make amends by telling you it’s up to ‘you’ to contact them to correct the mess she made. Her scheduling you with ‘her’ friends, who you may not know, is even worse.</p>
<p>You can always respectfully decline the lunches and dinners if you want. You can also respectfully decline their move-in help offer if you want. I don’t think you should feel obliged to meet these commitments your mother made without getting your agreement first.</p>
<p>Your mother is the selfish and rude one on this by doing this without your agreement although I have no doubt she was doing what she thought would be best to help you (so go easy on her with it).</p>
<p>My daughter’s move in there was absolutely no free time for her. Check the schedule for Freshman – my guess is all your time is spokent for. I would write them all very nice letters thanking them but saying your education is important, you have to do what the school wants, and that you will take a rain check on their very kind offers.</p>
<p>At this important time in your life, Mom arranging all this socializing is the same as if she expected you to focus on her during your first days at college.
In a way, it’s hovering-by-proxy. </p>
<p>It’s more important for you to meet and start bonding with roommates and dorm kids, find your own way around campus, get acclimated. It might be nice to have an hour of family help, but then they go. Make the calls to relatives yourself, if you have to. You can be sweet about it. Find a way to gently push the dates with the relatives back two weeks. And, set limits to how long you can interact with them. Blame it on school obligatons, if you have to. You’ll have some short breaks periodically, where you can split time between friends and family. You can call them once in a while to keep in contact.</p>
<p>“Your mother really put you in a predicament and worse,”… </p>
<p>That’s the same mom that is probably helping to pay for college. And most likely she would have preferred to have D much closer to home. So if the arrangements don’t conflict with school events, I say defer to mom’s wishes.</p>
<p>So, since its the same mom paying for college, what are the limits?</p>
<p>It would be a good thing to meet up with the relatives. However, your mother should have consulted you before scheduling anything – seems like the real issue is that she scheduled something for you without telling you beforehand (most people would feel resentful of that, especially if it created conflicts with school activities and the like).</p>
<p>Thanks for all the terrific responses!
@collegeshopping I agree. I definitely am taking for granted their proximity to me. Isolating them within a day of my arrival will probably not do me any favors.
@colorado_mom That’s very true.</p>
<p>I think it was a miscommunication in general. I never told her I DIDNT want any extra-assistance. And obviously her actions were well-intentioned. I will probably try to compromise with her, and go to maybe only a dinner and try to reschedule the lunches for later. Most importantly, I just don’t want Aunts who I barely know (but yes, should get to know) helping me move-in. I want it to just be my Mom and I.</p>
<p>If your mom is going with you, is there any chance that she scheduled the lunches with her sisters for herself and thought it would be rude to exclude you? If she lives such a distance from her sisters and is that close to help you move in, she probably wants to see them before she leaves to go home. If your mom is going to be there, the scheduling of meals may be more about her than you, her wishes to see her friends and family, and her not wanting to exclude you.</p>
<p>Your mom is going with you. In that case, have your mom go to those meals by herself. It will give her something to do. She couldn’t really go back without getting together with her friends, no need to drag you along.</p>
<p>*I think it was a miscommunication in general. I never told her I DIDNT want any extra-assistance. *
Please don’t assume you’re being the insensitive daughter. You’re 18, she’s the adult. It’s not your fault for not anticipating she would do this. You’re not “taking for granted” the proximity to friends and family. You’re starting college, not visiting. </p>
<p>Kids come in and out on move-in day. Some head off with family for last-minute shopping, etc. So, that time is fluid. My experience is most kids arrive by mid-afternoon and are parent-free before dinner. There is a point, that day, when our kids hug us goodbye and they bound off, same as first day of kindergarten. We wince, sure. Good luck with this.</p>
<p>I am completely on your side with this. Your mom is probably doing what she thinks is best, but I don’t think she is clued in to the realities of move-in day. It is completely unreasonable to even think about taking you away from your dorm to go out to lunch and dinner. If it’s like my kids’ move-ins, you won’t even have time, and moreover, you’ll be hot, sweaty, anxious, and tired, and involved in meeting your own new roommate and RAs, filling out room check forms, paying your dorm fee, etc. etc. The place will be mobbed, parking and roads will be crowded, and it certainly will not be conducive to socializing with unknown relatives and mom’s friends. </p>
<p>My kids could barely unpack before parents were expected to say goodby and orientation activities started for students–I think it was around noon or 12:30 and that time came unbelievable fast. If you could politely share the thread on move-in tips with your mom she might start realizing how hectic the day is and how cramped the quarters are. Maybe she hasn’t seen a dorm room in recent times and has forgotten how little space there is. Her friends and relatives would only be in the way. If there were any way to have a meal or meet the relatives and friends the day before move-in, that would be an option to consider. Hopefully you’ll get an orientation schedule ahead of time so your mom can see what activites are planned for you and when they begin and will re-think her plans.</p>
<p>We had plenty of time to unpack D1 and meals with her. It was the case with her dorm mates too. A lot of people had their parents, siblings around. We had lunch, attended freshmen activities and had nice dinner out after moving. OP will be spending next 4 years with those kid’s, it really would kill her to have few meals with relatives. Part of growing up is to be considerate, and I really don’t see what the mother has done that’s so bad. She wanted to connect her kid with people who could give the kid some support system while she is there. How would it be if she didn’t introduce her kid, then the kid needs something, “oh, by the way, do you mind taking my kid to the hospital or give me kid a ride to the airport?”</p>
<p>When our kiddo went across country…I went with her and insisted she have lunch with a friend of MINE (from grade school/high school) who lived and worked nearby. DD came along and this ended up being a friendship (between my friend and DD) for the four years she was at the college. DD was reluctant to come but in the end…this friendship was important to DD as well.</p>