I think you can feel however you want to feel, and distribute the money how you wish.
In your case, I might divide the estate awarding 1/2 to each brother. Then divide that half by the brother and children of that brother. So, if Brother A has 2 children, you divide that 1/2 of the estate by 3. Then award 1/3 of that brother’s share to him and 1/3 to his first child, and 1/3 to his second child. Do the same for the other side.
That way your nieces/nephews get their portion directly from you. I think that’s a great way to ensure they get a chunk of your estate. Waiting for your brothers to die does not guarantee the children will ever see a dime, for various reasons.
I believe you can set it up so it goes to your brother and then his kids (a friend was widowed and when he remarried, he set it up so kids got a lot of the estate (that their mother helped build!), but wife #2 was taken care of too).
You could let your bother know your wishes for your estate and how you’ve set it up.
I would think your brother (and his wife and her kids) would completely understand that you want your nieces/nephews to inherit some of your estate (vs people he has never met).
H and I had a related conversation recently. He assumes that if he dies before me, his portion of his parents’ estate would go to me. I said it was very likely to skip me and go to our children, which I would understand (and we’ve been married for almost 30 years).
I seem to be the executor of choice in my family, and now when an older relative tells me I have been named their executor, I ask that in addition to whatever legal work they do, they also prepare a letter explaining why they did what they did. It helps keep everyone sane and happy. The speculating always leads to hard feelings!
if i’m right, my inlaws have set up a trust where anything to be inherited follows the bloodlines - from the four kids they have. – rookiecollegemom, i asked my DH about your conversation; and looks like I too am skipped if DH were to pass before his parents. OP - on one side of my family, there were splitting issues in regards to the second wife, and her child and the majority of the inheritance. Ties were severed between aunts/uncles/cousins etc. I understand your thoughts and are glad you are considering this all. I’d talk to your brothers. I hope you stay well.
I think it’s a good idea to leave what you have only to your children and not to their spouses. One never knows what will happen in their marriages. If my sons get all my money and they want to give it to their spouses, or to their children from a second marriage, or to the local zoo – that will be their decision. But for me to leave my money directly to my children-in-law – ummm, no.
My advice is get a really good estate and probate attorney. Discuss your concerns but you’ll be surprised at how various scenarios can work out. A good attorney will think of things you haven’t begun to consider. Much of it is tax concerns.
Thanks OP for this thread, and many of you for the helpful comments, which remind me I have been far too lax in general about setting up trusts etc, and that I need to get advice to look at some very specific issues (money to support my parents if I predecease them, an estranged sister who I don’t want anything to go to but I want to leave something for her son).
Yes, this is a good reminder to review our estate plan and figure out tweaks. It was made sone years ago and there have been tax changes since. So much to think of, but I’d like to meet in person with our estate attorney after our state incidence of covid goes back down. It’s climbing again now.
Yep, I recently read that. Believe it or not that book is what prompted my worries. When setting up the living trust I had figured our interests (me, my brothers and their wives, and the divorced brother) are aligned in that I’d want them to use the money to both improve their lives and that of my nieces/nephews and they’d want the same thing. But after reading the book I became concerned because of the stories he gives. The new wife of the divorced brother, having come into a million or so dollars from some guy she’s met twice in her life up to now (her 2nd husband’s brother), I can see how it might be tempting to want to pass a good chunk or more onto her children. And as shown in stories in the book, things like that can happen.
These things can be tricky. I am very interested to read examples of Trusts people have set up.
My 93 father needs to rewrite his will, but he struggles over what to do about the wife that he married late in life, about 15 years ago. His current will splits things between wife (who also gets right to stay in house as long as desired) and the grandchildren. Nobody would mind if he left everything to her, since she is 14 years younger and may someday need nursing home etc. But… there is a concern that if there is any leftover money of Dad’s after she passes that it would go to her estranged family or even another husband if she remarried. I have been encouraging him to get a new hearing aid and then visit a lawyer to discuss.
We had a doozy of a situation with my dad’s wife (of a year) when he passed in spite of very careful lawyering. She had requested a change about 3 months before he passed that, due to some links between trusts - one of which my dad’s lawyer missed --, created a opportunity for her which she exploited. Exactly the opposite of what my dad intended. It was a legal mistake but it’s hard to find a lawyer to sue another lawyer. And as a friend who’s a judge said “in criminal court, you see bad people at their best. In probate court, you see good people at their worst.”
Something similar happened with my father in law and his second wife. The legal papers were a mess, largely due to the incompetence of his lawyer. I would be very very careful to vet any estate lawyer you retain.
@cinnamon1212 - based on my personal/family experience you are very right in being careful choosing an estate lawyer. I can not go into detail but while my parents had great intentions a poorly written trust document has led to a lawsuit and a bitter family split. I would also add: be careful who you choose as trustee. Do NOT assume that the oldest, the male, the one who is an accountant or lawyer, the person closest geographically, or child who provided care is the best person for the job.
There is a reason that my own kids will be fully in charge of their own money as soon as H and I are gone. No strings, no one else controlling them. If one spends every penny in a week and one invests the money wisely - that’s on them.
I agree with the importance of carefully vetting and choosing your estate attorney. We asked around. Our bank made some recommendations as well as my brother who works at a competing bank. My neighbor and a family friend are also estate attorneys. We chose an estate attorney who is the son of the former probate judge in our state, whom my brother recommended.
For my SisIL, who was very ill, we chose an estate attorney who was recommended by my cousin. She is a tax attorney who also does estate work. She was older and nice and willing to go to my SisIL’s home that weekend and get her estate in order and papers executed immediately. Even then, after The death, that attorney kept wanting to make the estate resolution much more complicated than the heirs were interested in. I was so glad they were steadfast in insisting everything split fairly as my SIL would have wanted instead of getting sucked into weird rabbit holes the attorney wanted to pursue.
Assets and $$$ sadly can bring out the worst in folks.
I think planning as best as you can is an invaluable tool, but I refuse to try to control people from the grave. These same scenarios can happen if a spouse remarries. I was talking about this recently with a friend. When I die whatever is mine goes to dh. His all comes to me if he precedes me in death. My friend asked, “You don’t have your stuff going directly to your ds? What if your dh marries a floozy??” I told her that would be between my dh, our ds, and the floozy.
Dower and curtesy rights can come into play with marriages as well. Those will vary by state, of course.
As the mother of an adult child who is my heart, by far the most important person to me in every way and not related by blood to me at all, this was difficult for me to read.
Hog girl, oh wow! I saw this happened and it was a catastrophe. My friend, a lawyer himself, died. He left everything to his wife, my former GF. Some poor habits intensified without her husband, and she (whoops, better to keep circumstances private). Anyway, she disowned her children. One lived with a family friend for awhile.
I’m a strong believer in leaving a % to spouse, children, siblings, etc.
I redid my Trust when son married. I’m sure he is leaving her everything. Each sibling will keep the $ within their sphere. My lawyer gave me several options. Having 1 child is quite different than having more. Future grandchildren also need to be protected.
