Talk to a good friend. He/she will understand. Get it off your chest.
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Sorry you are feeling so isolated and devalued. It may not have been your uncleâs intention but that is how you feel. You might want to go to any memorial for him, regardless of your current thoughts. You may regret not going down the line. Sorry for the loss of your uncle.
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Your feelings are your feelings. I get that. By nature I am not nor have I ever been a grudge holder. I just had a major death in my family. Very sudden and very devastating. An in law of mine did not call or even text me through this loss. Didnât come to visitation or funeral. It hurts. A lot. I still donât understand it. I could let it affect our relationship but I wonât. Itâs just not in my best interest to hold a grudge.
Iâm in the camp of you can feel hurt but you need to let it go. Remember the good times from your uncle. It sounds like before this, you had a good relationship with him. Donât let money come between you and the good memories. I honestly believe it will be healthier for you. Just my thoughts.
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This.
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It is not money coming between anything. That sounds profound and wholesome but it is more like money revealed the true color. I am a bit slow in that regard. I thought we were good but probably it wasnât mutual. Time to grow up see it as it is.
Donât worry I am not that isolated. I meant I am the only âvictimâ here, no comrades in pain.
You are a victim here, only if you choose to see yourself that way. All the best to you.
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Saying you are a victim seems very entitled. Again, it was not your money. A gift is a gift. To say you didnât expect anything but be so hung up on someone elseâs money is just not a good look.
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This. I guess the difference between me and you is I see growing up and seeing it as it is would be to forgive and look back upon the good times. I donât expect money or inheritance from anyone, so I would look at it like âwow, he didnât have to do that, it was generous of him to think of me at allâ
I guess I just donât understand all the angst about inheriting some money that wasnât expected or needed just because someone else got more. To each his own I guess.
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Iâm not trying to pile on you, Iâm just trying to help you think about this inheritance in a more positive way and not hold a grudge or negate all of the good times and good memories with your uncle. If there werenât good times or good memories then that may explain the disparity.
Ultimately, I think itâs unhealthy to hold grudges, especially against someone who canât defend themselves. Try to stay positive.
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Sympathies, as the sting of this is recent and painful, appearing to be quite a shock.
I am in the camp that the reason for the change in your unclesâ will may be something not easily discovered or currently apparent. Hard to say how the story will settle out.
My kids and I were the recipients of an end of life will change by my grandmother. As she lived overseas, I didnât see her much, but we were close and I was there for her at some difficult times in her later years. Apparently she became aware that my marriage was in trouble and changed her will from my dad and his brother splitting the entire amount, to giving them each 25%. The rest was split between the grandchildren and great grandchildren. Not great largess, but it was sufficient to pay for violins when they were in HS, and a good start on college money.
The uncle had never cared to know my dad as an adult, or any of us. But I wrote to him regardless, apologized and stated how helpful this money was for education. I donât think he gave a rip, but hoped a bit of explanation may have helped settle any high emotion.
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About 30 years ago, I was talking with a co-worker who was talking about a recent inheritance from an aunt or some distant relative. I said Iâd never inherited anything. He was shocked. How could that be? I said no one who had died had ever left me anything. Thatâs still true today and I donât think I will inherit anything. Ever.
My Wills and Trust professor said everyone things the blood and gore is in criminal law, but it is really in the fighting that goes on after the Will is read.
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Oh, @Iglooo , I am sorry! Am I interpretting your comment right? That you think you misread the quality/importance of your relationship and that the bequest illuminated it? That this isnât about the gift but about your embarassment about your misguaging of the relationship? If thatâs right, it makes sense that this is a blow. But remember, you could be wrong as well. How the gifts were made may have had nothing to do with how he felt about you.
He cared enough to include you in his will. Cherish the memory of the relationship as you felt it was. Your feelings for him can be unchanged. You lost your uncle - thereâs no need to lose more.
And if you happen to be right, take the gift that comes with it. Figure our if thereâs something to be learned that can help improve other relationships. Fwiw, I increasingly feel like I may be doing a less good job socially than I thought Iâd been doing. Itâs possible that I used to be better at it, but itâs slso possible that I am becoming more sense and aware. Maybe thatâs just part of personal growth? Please donât beat yourself up. Virtual hug to you.
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I have some understanding of the personal issues here and, to a very limited degree, the legal issues.
To OP: yes, itâs painful. But do you know what the exact nature of the relationship between your uncle and each of your cousins was? Did one do more? Iâve found that truly selfless people do not make a big deal of their efforts and sometimes go to great lengths to hide it. Is that at all a possibility here in that you might not have known about a special relationship the others had with your uncle?
Similarly, was one of your cousins requiring more help than the others? Perhaps, this influenced his decision.
I am not making excuses, but please remember that your uncle left you something. Uncles are, as a matter of law, removed from your parents when it comes to wills/estates. As far as I remember from law school, the concept of per stirpes applies to lineal descendants of your uncle. I donât think you are a lineal descendant as a niece.
Why did this happen? I donât know, and, most importantly, apparently neither do you. Let it go. As you said, you donât need the money. Your uncle did what he did for whatever reason. Thereâs not much you can do except to move on.
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I donât have much to add, but I do have one suggestion for OP. I believe you said you donât really need the money?
If thatâs the case, consider treating a chunk of the inheritance as âmad moneyâ. Go blow it on a first class vacation, or buy something crazy that you wouldnât normally, but would love to have.
It might help you make a mental shift from âvictimâ to âUncle gave me a fantastic vacation and bought me a Ferrari!â
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My husbandâs family is going through something similar, and the good thing is that we are okay with not expecting much.
When you write up a will, the attorneys do tend to ask questions about family membersâ expectations. Sometimes, the person has a complex financial picture, or, they donât wish to burden a person with tax implications, probate issues, sales of properties, etc.
You cannot be bitter, jealous, or angry because itâs the decision of the person. You accept that you were mentioned, and then get over it.
As my students would say, âyou get what you get and youâre happy with it.â
Seem odd that he would be shocked to discover that some people do not have deceased relatives who actually had enough money to leave an estate.
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Iâm sorry this happened to you. It would hurt my feelings and taint my memories as well. I disagree with those who say you should just be grateful that he left you anything. Itâs the difference in what he left you and what he left the others that is painful, not the difference between getting something and nothing, because it suggests he valued you so much less than the others. If you knew his reasoning you could at least have understood even if you didnât agree with his reasoning. I am sorry you wonât get that closure.
Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.
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Itâs a hard situation. But there could be all kinds of reasons behind it. Maybe your uncle had omitted your from will due to your fortunate financial circumstances, then thought âoh, I should put in at 1/8 share to show my affectionâ. Or maybe you were beneficiary on an asset that had to get spent. Who knows.
For the other discussion, I think itâs fine that a grandfather would want estate split evenly between grandkids. Thatâs my fatherâs preference (for the amount left after a percentage defined to 2nd wife). Makes perfect sense to me, even though my sister has more children.
My friend who provides the bulk of care for her folks and has 2 kids is unhappy her folks has decided to divide the assets evenly among her 2 kids and her sisterâs 3 kids (all of whom who live 2500 miles away and consequently spends much less time and energy caring for the folks). Itâs challenging. Sister also has a lot more assets and she is a lot more comfortable financially.
Itâs a tough call and sad when folks feel slighted.
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I would have not been happy if my parents split the estate by grand children. My brother and I had the same number of children but my son died. It would have been extremely painful for me, especially as the main caregiver, if my brotherâs family had inherited more just because my son passed away.
Thankfully a non issue because the inheritance came to my brother and I, and not the kids.
I say this to illustrate how complicated and not straight forward it can be.
For OP, I can understand and empathize with the disappointment and the feelings of not being as valued. Your feelings are valid and Iâm glad you were able to vent here.
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